Things I am not allowed to do at work.

[Kanalah]

No naked quilting - sorry peds.
Not allowed to curse at family during shows. (after shows...at the pub, different story)
Not allowed to call mom out on her behavior.
No editing my Etsy profile to tell the truth about my crazy family. (I consider it bad form)

[fireheart]

-I am not allowed to sing the corny "Water Safety" song that pops up on TV every so often.
-Nor should I get kids to sing along with me.

Lyrics for your pleasure are:

Fence the pool (fence the pool)
Shut the gate (shut the gate)
And teach your kids to swim,
It's great (it's great!)

Supervise (supervise)
Watch your mate (watch your mate)
And learn how to resuscitate!

[fireheart]

We use these in our Level 1 classes, they have a hole near the bottom which results in them "weeing" when you pull them out of the water:




They are called "Dive Sticks"

Not "Wee Sticks"

Not "Pee Sticks"

Not "Two Shakes"

I should not encourage the kids to make the sticks "wee" at the instructor.

Do not let the kids hold said Dive Sticks near their crotch to make it look like they're peeing in the pool

And under no circumstances am I to say "Look, the seal is going for a wee!"

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Don't ever do this again:

* While rummaging around in a shipper of kitchen gadgets, locate a nametag bearing the name Lorena, from whatever warehouse this shipper was sitting in before it went off to the DC.

* Attach said nametag to my shirt in lieu of my regular work nametag.

* To further the ruse, cut out the face of one of the bra models in the current clearance swamp ad circular, and tape it to the nametag.

* Demand to be addressed as Lorena and refuse to answer to my real name. ("Irv? Who's this Irv person you're talking about? Is he new?")

[fireheart]

OK, editing from above, I CAN actually let the kids have the sticks wee on the instructor.

And a few from placement:

-Do not replace words in the morning verse with inappropriate ones. (or the meditation)
-Do not invert the words in the morning verse or meditation (i.e. "I look into the sun" becomes "I look out of the moon")
-As much as I would like to, I am not allowed to cut the hood part off of the childrens jumpers. (we have several male children who think it's hilarious to pull their hoods on despite repeated warnings that it is extremely rude)
-Do not make a tower out of the beeswax crayons in the library.
-Do not sort the beeswax crayons by colour.
-Do not mess around with the very pretty rainbow spiral puzzle on the desk in the library. (the picture provided is pretty damn close except that ours does not have the wooden "edge" on it)
-As tempting as it may be, I am not allowed to light the candles on the table.
-Do not light the candles in the back of the classroom.
-The coloured pencils are for the CHILDREN. (which is why I am buying a set for myself)
-So are the fountain pens. (yes the children use fountain pens, albeit ones that are designed for them and DON'T LEAK)
-When they are doing recorder lessons, I am not to whistle the tune. (I can sing along if I wish)
-Recorder size does not correspond to penis size.
-Nor does the choice of instrument.

[crazylegs]

I am not allowed to suggest to a family, that have collectively fallen off their bikes 3 times in the past fortnight resulting in 3 separate ambulance rides, that they cease cycling.

[lobo94]

I am not allowed to forment revolution.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

No answering pages for intimate apparel and introducing myself as Butch, which is something I've been threatening to do for a little while now.

[fireheart]

As tempting as it may be, I am not allowed to stab misbehaving children with a felting needle.

(If you're wondering what the difference is, a felting needle is a bit wider and longer, but is also barbed to help push the fibres from the felt into the base material, which binds them together. They are also EXTREMELY sharp and hurt like hell if you stab yourself (as I did the other day))

[pzychobitch]

Quoth Irving Patrick Freleigh

No answering pages for intimate apparel and introducing myself as Butch, which is something I've been threatening to do for a little while now.

I would pay serious money to hear audio from those phone calls.