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Wherein Freedom Was Always An Illusion

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  • Wherein Freedom Was Always An Illusion

    Something happened this evening that prompted me to crawl back here to the only people that could possibly understand. The only ones who have seen what I have seen and yet still cling to life.

    This evening at approximately 9:37 PST my phone rang. This is quite unusual for after finally leaving my job I have become an unwashed hermit living deep in the mountains. Few people know where I am let alone how to contact me. The only person that could possibly be calling this late would be my mom; seeking tech support for Netflix.

    I picked up the phone, curious and naive, and glanced at the caller ID. The number began with 867. Second only to 666 in Farthland's International Numbers Of The Damned Index. The area code of Nunavut.

    An old, familiar terror stirred up somewhere deep within me. A beast that has largely slept these last several years. Now roused by the scent of my rising panic. It has been some odd 7 years since I took a call from this area code. Why now? What happened? How did they find me?

    The sensible thing to do would be to leave it. Let it ring. Do not open Pandora's Box. Yet, there was an unmistakable morbid curiosity....


    Me: "Hello?"
    SC: "HELLO. I AM LOOKING FOR MY COUSIN DARLENE <lastname>"

    Oh no, that voice. That voice. I know that voice. That "My whole life is a grievous head injury so it will take several seconds for me to load a complete sentence. Thank you for your patience." voice. Everyone who ever called me in the dead of night from Nunavut had that voice. Who are you and how did you find me?! Wait, whose Darlene?

    Ahh, I see what happened here. Darlene's last name and my last name are almost the same but mine starts with the next letter in the alphabet. You effectively called Mr Todd looking for Mrs Sodd. I understand. You're not excused mind you. But I understand.

    You were faced with a relatively simple task ( FIND DARLENE ) and you failed in an obvious and easily avoidable way ( LETTERS R HARD ). But don't worry. I had low expectations for you to begin with so I am not disappointed. Just sad. Sad and tired.


    Me: "I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number. Besides this is "Todd" not "Sodd""
    SC: "Yeah, but its still close in the phone book"

    I take back what I said about exceptions. You have somehow found a way under the already incredibly low bar I had set. The years must have made me soft. I was careless. It will not happen again.

    <deep breath>

    Phone books do not work that way you rectal spittoon. It is not organized by physical or genetic distance. And how did you even get the phone book for here?! You're in Nunavut! You're like 3000 kms away! Did a wayward tourist forget it and you think it's an ancient manuscript for contacting the entire country? Wait, are you just calling EVERYONE in my town whose name ends in Sodd or Todd (and maybe Rodd?) and asking if Darlene is there?


    SC: "Uh, so my number is 867-"

    Yeah I am not writing that down. I would rather staple my ballsack to my taint and take up luge.

    But I guess if it will give you back the piece of mind that clearly rattled around and fell out I can not just hang up in disgust.


    SC: "So, uh, bye."

    May your ass hair become fatally entwined with your next bowel movement.
    Last edited by Gravekeeper; 04-17-2020, 05:54 AM.

  • #2
    Damn, they can't let you alone. Even retired and anonymous.
    Because of that nitwit you returned. Talk about doing good unwittingly.

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    • #3
      I needed this laugh, I haven't been able to talk to any of my relatives in a few months no, And it's not only due to Corvid-19

      Comment


      • #4
        And you thought that "Freedom's just another word for nothin' left to lose" ...
        I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
        Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
        Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

        Comment


        • #5
          Wow. Even in exile, they keep dragging you back in.

          In any case, GK, you always have a place here -- even if all you have to say is "Hi." ^_^

          Yeah, yeah, the rest of you, too. I guess.
          "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
          "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
          "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
          "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
          "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
          "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
          Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
          "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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          • #6
            Gotta love those wrong numbers, especially when they find you in the phone phone.

            Forty years ago, shortly after Mrs. IA and wed, her telephone book listing was changed to both of our names, Ironclad and Tinclad Alibi. One day I answer the phone and the following ensues:

            Me: Hello.

            Them: Hi Ironclad. Is Tinclad there?

            Me: No she isn't.

            Them This is Gail:

            Me: Yes? (not recognizing the voice)

            Them: Is this Ironclad Alibi? (realizing I didn't recognize her voice)

            Me: Yes:

            Them: Major Ironclad Alibi?

            Me: No.

            At which point that call ended.

            Turns out there was another couple with our names in the area

            Over the next several years we got a number of calls from people trying to find them.

            One of the last callers Mrs. IA spoke with told her they had divorced.

            So Sad. They were one of the nicest couples we never met.
            "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

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            • #7
              We used to get letters and sometimes packages for someone who had the same first initial and last name as my mom. Who evidently was a real estate developer or some such.

              We kept the poinsettia, but sent everything that had a return address on it back.
              “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
              One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
              The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

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              • #8
                16 years ago, I moved into a flat with the future ex-wife. It was a lovely place, art deco frontage (actually featured on a couple of episodes of Poirot!), 24 hour concierge at the front of house, all that cool shit. We did our due diligence and set up mail redirects, and settled in...

                Over the next few months, a lot of my mail went missing. Like, almost everything. Luckily most bills were set up in my partner's name, as she was the one earning the most reliable wage, but it still presented me with some problems - and then one day a large package turned up with all my mail in! Strange thing is, it was addressed to "the new residents", not to me in particular?

                Turned out that the previous couple that had lived there included a guy whose full name differed from mine by one solitary letter; he had an additional character in his surname which I lack. On moving out, they had done their due diligence and set up mail redirects, and I'm sure by now you can see where this is going - yep, anything that was sent to our flat for me was being forwarded to him because that one letter was being overlooked! Hie figured it out, and had tried once already to forward my stuff back but had foolishly put my name on the package so it had just gone straight back to him!

                Fast forward 8 years. I'm working at my solitary station by now, well ensconced and happy in my new career. One day I'm selling a chap a season ticket; he hands me his ID to bring up his records, and it's him! The guy with (almost) my name! Luckily it wasn't busy, and I was able to introduce myself and we had a quick laugh and reminisce, and we chatted on and off any time he came through from then until I left. Nice bloke, but then I already assumed as much from his going above & beyond to get me my mail back!
                Last edited by RealUnimportant; 04-17-2020, 09:55 PM.
                This was one of those times where my mouth says "have a nice day" but my brain says "go step on a Lego". - RegisterAce
                I can't make something magically appear to fulfill all your hopes and dreams. Believe me, if I could I'd be the first person I'd help. - Trixie

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                • #9
                  So glad to see you back, GK, even if it's only momentarily, and even if it was due to a phone call straight out of the Twilight Zone.

                  This is why I almost never answer my phone. I used to have an answering machine; my current ISP offers an internet-telephone bundle and with that comes an answering service.

                  The other morning my phone rang at 7:30 in the fucking ayem. They didn't leave a message so I have no clue who it was.
                  Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
                  ~ Mr Hero

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                  • #10
                    Gravekeeper, I am so sorry to see you posting again. How horrible that you are here

                    Ummmm...that came out wrong, didn't it. OK, I am happy to see you alive and posting, not happy that it took you being traumatized by the sins of your past.

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                    • #11
                      I went to college in the early 70's, got a BA, served in Peace Corps, got interested in a different career and went to a different school for a BS degree. This was long before cell phones.

                      My first name is fairly unusual for my age cohort, almost never met anyone with the same name. Let's say it's "Edgar Martinez". At college #2 there were 2 other guys with the same full name as me, not just first name but full name. One was in all my classes but he spelled the last name differently. Doppelganger #2 has the same name as me. I've never met him, or seen a photo, but he's hot. As in male-model hot.

                      Year 1 I was in the phone book and he wasn't. I'd get breathless phone calls from women, usually using a flirty, little-girl voice. "Hi Edgar!!!" "Hullo?" "It's me, Sally!!" "Sally??" "We met at Paula's wedding, don't you remember??" "Uh, no, I think you have a wrong number" "But you're Edgar Martinez, aren't you?" "Yeah, but not the one you are looking for". Then I started getting his mail, perfumed letters on pink stationery. I found out his phone number and address (he lived in a frat, surprise surprise). I'd give the women his number and forward his mail. Year 2 he was in the phone book and I was not. Peace Corps buddies would pass through, look me up, and call. He'd go "You got the wrong guy" and hang up.

                      Fast forward 30 years, i started getting Facebook messages and friend requests from women looking for him. This astonished me as I have my picture on my FB page and I'm not the least bit hunky. He's not on FB so I cannot forward them on. Too bad, so sad.

                      It could be worse. My brother has the exact same name as a TV celebrity. He disappoints a lot of hotel desk clerks when he travels...
                      Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
                      TASTE THE LIME JELLO OF DEFEAT! -Gravekeeper

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                      • #12
                        "Just when I thought I was out... they pull me back in." - Michael Corleone (Godfather Part 3)
                        "Kamala the Ugandan Giant" 1950-2020 • "Bullet" Bob Armstrong 1939-2020 • "Road Warrior Animal" 1960-2020 • "Zeus" Tiny Lister Jr. 1958-2020 • "Hacksaw" Butch Reed 1954-2021 • "New Jack" Jerome Young 1963-2021 • "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff 1949-2021 • "Beautiful" Bobby Eaton 1958-2021 • Daffney 1975-2021

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                        • #13
                          We had moved 20 miles (in 2002) into a new house when the land line rang. It may have been the first call in our new home.

                          LOL = Little Old Lady
                          me = Me

                          LOL: Hello, may I speak with Alvin Flatbush?
                          Me: I'm sorry, I think you have the wrong number.
                          LOL: He's my insurance agent. Is this --- --- ----?
                          Me: Yes, that is the number, but it's our home. This isn't a business, and Mr. Flatbush isn't here.
                          LOL: Are you sure?

                          Funny thing is, a couple years later, she called again, and we had the same conversation.

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                          • #14
                            Quoth workerbee222 View Post
                            ... Funny thing is, a couple years later, she called again, and we had the same conversation.
                            I expect it won't be many years before I start trying to call CR8-9874 and asking, "Mom, can you come get me? I'm scared!"


                            That was our number when I was 9-18 and I'm getting childish again...
                            I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                            Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                            Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                              I would rather staple my ballsack to my taint and take up luge.
                              LOL, I gotta use that line.

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