The Asshole Tax
In my wildest fantasies, I see our company instituting an Asshole Tax, calculated thusly:
If you hit on me, the tax is the equivalent of the numbers of years difference between my age and yours, as a percentage. For example, the cost for the 70 year-old man hitting on me today would be 39% (70 years minus 31 years).
You will be taxed 1% for every 10 seconds beyond 60 seconds it takes you to count out your coins if choosing to pay with change, especially if the cashier can see bills in your wallet. The tax will be multiplied by the number of people in line behind you. Example: The lady (with a wallet full of twenties) who took 3 minutes to count the change for her purchase today would be charged a 36% tax (12 ten-second periods, multiplied by three for the number of people waiting for her to finish).
The No-Bag-Yes-Bag-Three-Bags-Please tax: A 10% surcharge will be added to your bill for every time you change your mind about whether or not you need a frickin' bag.
Now add your own....
If you have to ask, it's probably better posted at www.fratching.com