You might be a drunk when....

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Stolen Permanently borrowed from Modern Drunkard magazine.

If it only takes you one person to convince you to go to a party, but at least four strong men to convince you to leave, you might be a drunk.

If you shout "Turn up the fuckin' stereo!" in department stores, you might be a drunk.

If you have a garbage can in your living room, you might be a drunk.

If you lost your job and had to live on nothing but food and water for a week, you might be a drunk.

If your binge drinking gets in the way of your benders, you might be a drunk.

If you like to start each day with a cheery "Who the fuck are you?", you might be a drunk.

If you have proof the Bud Bowl is fixed, you might be a drunk.

If you heckle during AA meetings, you might be a drunk.

If you feel irresistibly sexy despite the vomit stain down the front of your shirt, you might be a drunk.

If you fell into a whiskey vat and bravely fought off your rescuers for three hours, you might be a drunk.

If you failed CPR class because your breath set the dummy on fire, you might be a drunk.

If you use peppermint schnapps as mouthwash because it eliminates that irritating spitting hassle, you might be a drunk.

If you're up and at 'em mot every day at 5:00 am and then you pass out, you might be a drunk.

If you have ten ice cube trays in your freezer and they're all empty, you might be a drunk.

If you take pub crawls very, very literally, you might be a drunk.

If you shout "It's too political! You're alienating half your demographic!" at winos holding cardboard signs on street corners, you might be a drunk.

If you invent a Sesame Street drinking game so you can spend more time with your children, you might be a drunk.

If crying your beer increases its alcohol content, you might be a drunk.

If you complain to your friends that you got really sober last night, you might be a drunk.

If you can identify the bars in your town by the undersides of their barstools, you might be a drunk.

If your first tree fort had a wet bar, you might be a drunk.

If you've forgotten how pants work, you might be a drunk.

If you refer to grapes as "wine eggs," you might be a drunk.

If your favorite breakfast is Hamm's and eggs, minus the eggs, you might be a drunk.

If your alarm clock is a garbage truck, you might be a drunk.

If you've ever had a loud argument with your barstool neighbor over the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle, you might be a drunk.

If the monkey on your back is in rehab, you might be a drunk.

If you built a still for your first science fair project, you might be a drunk.

If your favorite drinking game is "Do A Shot Every Time You Do A Shot," you might be a drunk.

If the officer tells you you have the right to remain silent and you waive that right to finish singing "Enter Sandman," you might be a drunk.