Thank you and I'm sorry

[PawnPrincess Ardra]

I don't know you (or anyone on the boards) well, Kanalah, but I'd sit with you if I could. Sometimes crying helps, I'm sorry you're having such a rough go of it. If you'd like to vent at all, please feel free to pm me. I don't know if that would help, but if you think it would, please feel free.

[Seraph]

I think today I just need to sit and cry.

Both kids are being brats, and hubs thinks it's funny that they're disrespectful towards me.

Talk to hubs about it, I know its rough, but you've gotta keep your sanity somehow. <big hugs>

[Mytical]

*hugs Kanalah* Wish I could help in some way. If you were close I'd offer to sit, but since I am of old school discipline most won't take me up on that

[Kanalah]

Ugh.

I hate my stupid brain. I hate that if I want help with housework that I have to yell and scream, and then I feel terrible for asking for help. I don't want to ask for help anymore, I'd prefer to work myself to death.

It sucks waking up every morning and thinking that because I'm too much of a coward to end it, that I'm making all these other people suffer. Then I work my butt off to get stuff done so that I don't get thrown away.

Hubs insulted my cooking last night, so I'm not cooking tonight. I have to get the rest of the house cleaned up and then I'm going to get more work done and go sleep on the couch.

[Pedersen]

kana, your hubs is an idiot. You are far from it.

You're a wonderful person, too kind for her own good, and I would love to get you out of that situation somehow. Please, remember that there are plenty of people here who love you just for being you. We want to keep you around, and we will help, if we can and you will let us.

I know I'm one of them.

[dragon_wings]

I'm with Peds. We want you around. And I'm glad I'm not the only one less the thrilled with your hubs. Hang in there.

[Der Cute]

Kanalah - I just personally got through a week long depression spell. And this was totally 'legit' for my brain, no triggers, just part of my illness. (weird though, it popped up out of the blue, it wasn't a normal predictable one- I have that too)
I was sleeping 12 hours if I could, dragging ass to function, no desire to get outside and enjoy things. Showering and daily functions were ok but postponed/procrastinated. I "wanted" to go do something fun, but the other 70% of my brain (depressed) said no. I did not eat much. I spent time w/ my munchkin but barely made it through that day.
This bastard took about a week to get from "I'm thinking about the ER" to "Hey, I like getting out of bed, I WANT to go outside and garden". Oh, note. During the spell, I did have some good spots like "hey I'm enjoying this driving. Heh, the light turned green fast." But those were just sucker holes - you are a sucker if you think that will stay! (Old fishing term)

This is a normal description of a depression spell. YMMV. I did only what NEEDED to be done (because my brain was fucked up) but when I was closer to normalish (yesterday) I cleaned up and tidied and stuff. I was no longer wanting to sleep all day, procrastinate and/or hide.

If you're sick enough to know you 'want' to clean but the other 70% of your brain says cry sad dark goaway get help. At that moment, decide: What is necessary to make house stand up and not explode? Nothing. THEY can cook/eat. THEY can pick up. THEY can do dishes. Sit down, play with the kids, make sure they don't set fire, but screw the housework/other stuff.
And get help. GET HELP GET HELP NAO.

Ok? You are trying to isolate yourself as much as possible, procrastinating on anything you can, only getting up to do the essential functioning. And barely making it through that. Sweety, been there done that tshirt. Even worse, when you KNOW you're sick and you KNOW you need help, you drag ass as much as possible to try to get the help. 30% says I want help, I need it. The 70% says nooo dark you don't want to today, do it next weeeek.

IMO the first thing to do here is to make yourself healthier. With that, and a lighter brain, you can make better decisions for your life. I hope you will take my advice and pushyness to get help. You are welcome to ask me any questions, and if you give me locations etc I can use GoogleFu to look up help for you. I can do legwork.

[XCashier]

Hubs insulted my cooking last night,

Then he can do the cooking. What a jerk.

[Kanalah]

Well hubs doesn't like eating raw chicken, and our oven is notorious for not maintaining the correct temperature. So I served dinner the other night and he said that his chicken was raw.

Uhm sorry no. Not only did I cook it for nearly twice as long as the recipe called for, I also checked the temp of that very chicken leg that I served him. I *knew* it was cooked properly, but the fact that he didn't trust me to make sure and didn't think that I would check, pissed me off.

When I get in a "slump", it's actually fairly predictable that it will happen at least monthly. I feel like my worth is tied to what I can do - so I furiously clean the house and go through and donate some of my stuff because I don't deserve it.

The part that really bothers me is that hubs knows this happens and instead of trying to help me through it, either totally ignores me or tells me I'm being a drama queen/bitch/making it up to get attention. Which really doesn't help at all and only makes me want to get rid of more stuff.

I know it would help to have someone to talk to, but we don't have the money right now to spend on me. I have to take care of everyone else - that's more important. I know I do not want to take any sort of medication. I'd rather alter my diet or take a vitamin instead.

A very big part of me doesn't trust counselors - mom had me in therapy from the time I was 6 years old until just before she kicked me out. They kept telling me over and over that my mom was right and that I need to stop complaining and just do what she says. So I'm scared that if I get someone new they'll do the same thing.

[KiaKat]

Then you had crap therapists who should have had their licenses taken away.

A good therapist will help you figure out how to cope with the stressors in your life, and also help you figure out how to talk to the people around you so they stop being dicks. They'll offer advice, methods, sympathy, and concern. And, occasionally, medication.

Don't knock meds - sometimes it really is a chemical imbalance that needs correcting. The stigma of "OMG UR CRAZY" is one that pisses me off. Mental illness is just that - an illness. Something like high blood pressure or high cholesterol, that needs treating with the proper therapies, which can include lifestyle changes, diet changes, and medication to balance everything out.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 10, and I always feel better knowing there is someone there to help me, that I'm not doing this on my own. It's an extra boost of support at just the right time.

[redsox33413]

Kanalah,

I haven't been around here long, but based on what you've shared with all of us so far... You have beaten the odds and then some. Your patience and tolerance in the face of adversity will serve you well your whole life... Never lose that or lose sight of who you are (and who you are is AWESOME!). Keep your chin up, keep quilting, and keep posting whenever you feel you need to get something off your chest.

P.S. I wish I had your mad quilting skillz, I am insanely jealous.
P.P.S. I do make my own chocolate covered bacon. Help yourself to as much as you'd like!

[Der Cute]

Then you had crap therapists who should have had their licenses taken away.

A good therapist will help you figure out how to cope with the stressors in your life, and also help you figure out how to talk to the people around you so they stop being dicks. They'll offer advice, methods, sympathy, and concern. And, occasionally, medication.

Don't knock meds - sometimes it really is a chemical imbalance that needs correcting. The stigma of "OMG UR CRAZY" is one that pisses me off. Mental illness is just that - an illness. Something like high blood pressure or high cholesterol, that needs treating with the proper therapies, which can include lifestyle changes, diet changes, and medication to balance everything out.

I've been in and out of therapy since I was 10, and I always feel better knowing there is someone there to help me, that I'm not doing this on my own. It's an extra boost of support at just the right time.

QFT.
There is nothing wrong (it is hard to do) by saying, hey. I've got depression. It sucks. This stuff is affecting your life enough to change your daily functions, behavior, self-worth.
Look. Mine is (I think) was genetic, and the epilepsy didn't help either. I've been on meds to help me with this since I was 25. And those should have been started EARLIER.
There is nothing wrong with admitting you need help, asking for it. Vitamins will help somewhat, but with your description, I don't know if it will bring you back up. I take Vitamin D in the winter to help my mood, I take general vitamins. But that doesn't do much for moods, it's more on the body health side.
Plus you've said you have monthly mood dips. That's also a depression thing. What I think would help you is to research low-income/free mental health clinics. They exist. Trust me, I've had to find them. Request counseling, and use that for a month or two. Then after that (you learn coping skills, triggers, root causes) if you decide to use medication, that's a way to do it. 2 pronged approach, and since you don't want to use drugs, ok, start with counseling.
You had counseling since you were young, but the environment which you lived in soured the help. So that's a write off. You are here NOW, you're an adult, you are responsible for your own care. Sorry if I offended you, but, that's where you are. Start journaling. Start recording moods. You might find a pattern there too.

I am sick enough (depression and stuff) to release custody of my kid to his dad. I can't work currently. I'm messed up enough to not be able to take care of my child and live. There's no money. Know what? The other day I spent with him, I was in a depression slump. I wanted him to go away. I didn't want to interact with him. I was moody, irritable, impatient - but I recognized that and did my best to change my behavior. Not easy. My point is - it's not good for my kid if I'm this sick. It's a super hard thing to do - adjust behavior when you're super depressed.
How can I be a parent without taking my stuff out on him? I feel guilty. At the same time, I'm proud of myself for working on this. I don't have much of a family cushion either. But I'm doing it. Make self better, interact better, behave better = investment to be able to be a better parent and get a job.

I got the help. I decided I was too messed up to do work and parenting. I WANT to be better.

[Kanalah]

I think this spell is over. Trying to figure out what helped me get out of it.

I did make lunch for all of hub's work friends and hearing all the compliments helped out a lot.

Thinking about therapists - I did have one who was an angel. She did therapy out of her home and after all the preliminary testing, she could tell my mom was batshit crazy. So instead of therapy we'd play or do art projects or whatever. Mom moved me to another therapist when she didn't see any results though.

I think hub's insurance pays for some counseling, just need to look it up online.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Please do try the counseling again, Kanalah. If you find the right person it can be extremely helpful. As for taking care of other people, you do have to take care of yourself first...and your children of course, but whatever they can do for themselves should be encouraged. They'll be thankful later that they learned life skills early. And as for your husband, I can relate, so yeah, he can go piss up a rope and cook his own damn chicken. ***hugs***

[Gizmo]

Hugs Kana.

I don't venture to this board often and have just seen your post. You have nothing to apologise for and I admire your strength considering everything I've learned about you and what you have gone through.

I have a few friends who have 'difficult times' (sucky phrase but I really can't think in this heat!) and I have my own from time to time. Its a horrible place to be.

I feel like my worth is tied to what I can do

I totally get that and have the issue about work whenever I can't be there or fix that specific disaster instantly etc. Then I get in a slump and totally lethargic so that only makes it worse. Going back to work after 3.5 weeks off was a nightmare for me because I was convinced I couldn't deal with the backlog and it would be a mess. I'm the same way with housework unfortunately and have been promising myself a clothing clear out for a year! There is a reason I've logged about 600+ hours on computer games since November last year and its just a coincidence that that was when Skyrim came out.

I too have issues with my husband when I get depressed or are having a problem - He shuts down emotions and will ignore it when I try to start a conversation to get something off my chest. Totally unhelpful and I haven't worked out how to fix it in the 10 years we've been together.

The food issues I have fixed another way - If he constantly whines about something not being done right / not good enough etc. I'll stop buying it or stop doing it. I no longer do his ironing because he'd leave it on the rail for a day and then see a natural wrinkle (which smooths as soon as you put the shirt on) and declare it not good enough and redo it. I have certain things I won't cook because its never right according to him - if he wants it he can learn how to cook it.

I've had to do that as a defence to be honest. I've done it with social groups as well and, on one occasion, a job. At some point you have to start to respect the value of your own sanity above being 'useful' and serving/fulfilling others.

I'm sorry that most of this post has been self-referencing (the heat really is killing my brain!) but hopefully it will make you aware its another person sending you long distance hugs and support.

We all have the option not to read stuff if we think it will cause us pain. Please don't stay away for the sake of others. We all think you are awesome anyway.