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Wherein I Pen My Last Wishes
Oh Lordy, the special ones were out this week. Brace yourself, kids. >.>
Last Minute
Why, why do you do this? Everything was going so well! You had placed your order. It only took a couple of minutes. I was giving you the total. It was going to arrive in two weeks. You would have been happy and clothed. But no, no you had to change your mind right at the last minute just as I was about to hang up. You wanted to take one item off and add another. Then what followed was 15 minutes of the most profound confusion I have ever witnessed. Most of which was dead silence and muttered noises. It was like watching a monkey with 2 foot arms trying to reach a banana 3 feet down a storm drain. You were just smart enough to try, but not quite smart enough to comprehend the futility.
Then after 15 minutes of desperately flailing at the banana just out of reach, you just re-ordered the exact same item you asked me to remove 15 minutes ago. Upon which you triumphantly held up the wet sock you fished out of the storm drain. Congratulating yourself on finally having reached the banana.
Hot Tips
SC: “I have a concern. I am phoning to make a complaint about someone who is enjoying policing. Any kind of policing.”
So…..you’re calling to complain about....what…exactly? You have an issue with cops who actually enjoy their job? That’s a rather peculiar and oddly specific pet peeve. Dare I ask exactly what it was that triggered this? Did you encounter an officer who enjoyed locking you up? Because I’ll tell you right here and now, that enjoyment didn’t have anything to do with his job. I’m not a cop myself but I can straight up admit I would quite enjoy it too. Especially if it was a sound proof room.
Fabulous Offers
I believe I already made this offer once. But I suppose you’re right, this isn’t a catalog order. You’re ordering from the website this time. So you may not be aware of all of our fabulous special offers. Well, you’re in luck! We have one standing year long offer that will save you both time and effort! That’s right, when you call in to order what is effectively everything we sell then you can get that, and more, with just a few simple words! Remember kids, if you want it all, then just say so! When I ask for the item number, all you gotta do is say: “ALL OF THEM”.
There’s no need for the pesky and time consuming task of listing of item numbers one by one. No sir, those days are gone! If you want it all, just ask for it! We’ll gladly comply if only to escape the next 20 minutes of listen to you fumble around with catalog pages or furiously clicking a mouse trying to relocate the lost treasures you saw only moments ago.
Hot Tips 2
SC: “This is a complaint about someone who was using my phone number and my hand signals.”
Someone stole your phone and your secret handshake? That’s terrible! Having your phone stolen is really awful. Having your secret handshake stolen, though? That’s appalling. Especially if it was a really cool one. Did it go way up high, then way down low? It did, didn’t it? Oh you poor thing.
This Thing Is Driving Me Insane
( All god damn morning >< )
“What if the constitution no longer applied?”
Gee willickers, I don’t know obnoxious robocall from Fox News! But I’m sure if I don’t hang up immediately you’re going to explain it to me at length.
Hot Tips 3
SC: “I have a question for you. I have somebody that has been saying hello to me without really saying hello.”
One of your neighbors is a telepath?
SC: “What I wanted to ask you and tell you: This is not a joke. This is not a Telus Busters joke. I’ve been harassed by someone from the Telus Busters phone number.”
….the “Telus Busters”? Is that the superhero team this telepath is a part of? They don’t really sound that super to be honest. I mean, I know superheroes need to diversify to stay interesting. But restricting yourself to doing battle with a single phone company seems like a rather narrow scope of operations. Plus Telus is pretty low grade evil to be honest. The sort of evil that can be kept at bay with a strongly worded letter writing campaign.
The Gator
Erieely quiet this evening. However, now that I look, I realize its Friday the 13th. Which means that this quiet spell is probably just the movie building up suspense until I get knifed by a guy in an alligator mask. Most likely after I hear an odd noise coming from the server room and go over to investigate it alone while calling out “Hello? Is anyone there?”.
Hax
SC: “Is this Continental?”
Me: “No, sorry, you have the wrong number ma’am”
SC: “Oh, well can you check my reservation?”
…..Sure, just give me a moment to figure out some way to hack into Continental’s reservation system and see what I can do for you. Now, I’m not 100% sure how long this will take or indeed whether or not the server in question is even accessible online. It’s possible I may have to physically drive to one of their offices, break in and hack someone’s login directly. But rest assured, I will retrieve the information for you eventually. Just hold tight.
OH SHI-
SC: “Can I get the number for <eastern office>?”
Me: “Sure, it’s xxx-”
SC: “Wait, I don’t have anything to write with so I’m going to have to enter this into my phone”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “You’re gonna hear some beeps, be careful.”
Wait, what? Beeps?! Holy *&#@ wait, wait, let me brace myself! I have to get under my desk, give me a sec. Man, it’s a good thing you warned me there. There’s no telling what would have happened had I just been hit by the beeps out of nowhere. I could have been seriously injured!
Inspiration
You know, when you’re specifically requesting that I go above and beyond the call of duty for you and directly break client policy. You would really garner a lot more sympathy for your case if you didn’t immediately go off a 2 minute rant about how I’m a moron that “lacks common sense” and “the ability to think outside the box” because "We all have rules in life but a real man should be able to look beyond them". ( PS. Looking beyond them would get me fired. )
As the saying goes: You catch more flies with honey than with hairspray and a lighter.
Silicon Humour
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “It’s 528. Isn’t that silly?”
……I…..er…..no? I think something has been lost in translation here. I do not find that particular combination of numbers to be any more ridiculous or amusing than any other 3 digit combination. Unless I’m missing something on a mathematical level…..wait, are you a robot? Was that robot humour? You’ll have to forgive me, I am a soft, fleshy, organic thing. So you’re going to have to explain the joke.
The Gator II: Son Of Gator
TG: “Is this Steve?”
Me: “No, sorry, you have the wrong number.”
TG: “Oh, well, I have a question for you then.”
Me: “Alright?”
TG: “Do you want to go snowboarding?”
…Sure? I mean if you guys are paying for it. That would be pre-….hey hey hey, wait a minute. You’re the guy in the alligator mask aren’t you? Nice try! But I’m not falling for your little murder trap. The dead of the night on a mountain in the middle of a dark forest. Riiiiight. I see what you’re up too.
After These Messages
Attention car owners of the Lower Mainland! It is I, your friendly neighbourhood pedestrian who really doesn’t want to die tonight. If I might just have a word with you really quickly. Now, I know its Saturday night and you want to be out on the town impressing the ladies with that….thing….you call a car. But let me point something out here if I could. The city is a sheet of ice right now. Your silly vehicle with its lowered suspension, giant rims and undercarriage neon lighting has maybe 2 inches of clearance between it and the street. There is easily 6 inches of snow and ice on said street. You are no longer driving a car. You’re now driving a giant plastic plow with the traction of a stick of butter on a warm kitchen floor.
And you're doing it through a crosswalk.
Reboot
SC: “Well, fuck, I’m not going to wait for fucking ever here.”
…Alrighty then. First of all, the reason you’re waiting is a conundrum entirely of your own making. Seeing as you do not know the name nor address of your building. Thus I must take time to correct your oversight and deduce the building myself based on what hints you have provided. Second of all, you sound old enough to be my grandmother so that sounded……pretty surreal.
Me: “Ma’am, please don’t use that sort of language”
SC: “Fine, fuckhead, have it your way.”
Apparently I’ve stumbled onto the set of a gritty reboot of the Golden Girls.
Last Will & Testament
Hello, sir! Yes, it is I, the CSR you have quite literally been screaming at, at the top of your lungs, for the last 15 minutes now ( Aren't you feeling light headed yet? ). Since this litany of enraged abuse doesn't look like its going to end any time soon I can only assume it will continue until I perish beneath its cruel onslaught. Thus, I thought I would leave you a note that might be able to better explain. So after you finish pummeling my broken corpse with your meaty fists like a gorilla that escaped the zoo and found its way into a meth lab, you might finally be able to understand my side of the story.
You see, its not that I don't understand that the power is out in your apartment. I understand that, I really do. And despite your repeated threats that I am intentionally discriminating against you based on....well ok you didn't specify, but you were insistent. So despite your claims that I'm discriminating against you, lying too you, intentionally refusing you service ( which you claim is illegal because I'm an emergency line, failing to note I am only an emergency line for building maintenance. ) and how I'm the only person that has even dared to do this too you and everyone else you've ever talked to on this line has been kind and helpful and showed up at your doorstep immediately to help you clean that really hard to reach part underneath your scrotum with their tongue. Just as a courtesy. One simple fact here remains that I've been explaining to you repeatedly for the last 15 minutes:
The power is out for your entire section of the city. In other words, this is a problem with the power company. Not with your apartment or your building, both of which would be under my domain to assist. Thus I can not help you in any way shape or form and you are calling the people.
Now, I know you probably feel pretty bad now for having bludgeoned me to death in your primate like rampage. So, here, tell you what. Let's forgive and forget. In fact, why don't you head down to Ikea and get yourself something nice. No no, its on me. Roll my corpse over, my wallet's in my back pocket. That should cover it. So head down to Ikea and get yourself something. On me. Get a nice book shelf or an end table or something. Something that'll spruce up your apartment so it'll look nice when the power does come back up.
I want you to take it home and think of me. Know that everything's fine. I don't blame you at all for my untimely death. Heck, you know what? Why don't you drag that Ikea box into the living room right now. Open er up, reach in there and pull out the first piece you find. Pull that bad boy out and go fuck yourself with it. Fuck yourself with it till the instructions make sense.
And don't stop until the instructions actually call for that piece.
annnnd rest. ( I feel better now ).
Last Minute
Why, why do you do this? Everything was going so well! You had placed your order. It only took a couple of minutes. I was giving you the total. It was going to arrive in two weeks. You would have been happy and clothed. But no, no you had to change your mind right at the last minute just as I was about to hang up. You wanted to take one item off and add another. Then what followed was 15 minutes of the most profound confusion I have ever witnessed. Most of which was dead silence and muttered noises. It was like watching a monkey with 2 foot arms trying to reach a banana 3 feet down a storm drain. You were just smart enough to try, but not quite smart enough to comprehend the futility.
Then after 15 minutes of desperately flailing at the banana just out of reach, you just re-ordered the exact same item you asked me to remove 15 minutes ago. Upon which you triumphantly held up the wet sock you fished out of the storm drain. Congratulating yourself on finally having reached the banana.
Hot Tips
SC: “I have a concern. I am phoning to make a complaint about someone who is enjoying policing. Any kind of policing.”
So…..you’re calling to complain about....what…exactly? You have an issue with cops who actually enjoy their job? That’s a rather peculiar and oddly specific pet peeve. Dare I ask exactly what it was that triggered this? Did you encounter an officer who enjoyed locking you up? Because I’ll tell you right here and now, that enjoyment didn’t have anything to do with his job. I’m not a cop myself but I can straight up admit I would quite enjoy it too. Especially if it was a sound proof room.
Fabulous Offers
I believe I already made this offer once. But I suppose you’re right, this isn’t a catalog order. You’re ordering from the website this time. So you may not be aware of all of our fabulous special offers. Well, you’re in luck! We have one standing year long offer that will save you both time and effort! That’s right, when you call in to order what is effectively everything we sell then you can get that, and more, with just a few simple words! Remember kids, if you want it all, then just say so! When I ask for the item number, all you gotta do is say: “ALL OF THEM”.
There’s no need for the pesky and time consuming task of listing of item numbers one by one. No sir, those days are gone! If you want it all, just ask for it! We’ll gladly comply if only to escape the next 20 minutes of listen to you fumble around with catalog pages or furiously clicking a mouse trying to relocate the lost treasures you saw only moments ago.
Hot Tips 2
SC: “This is a complaint about someone who was using my phone number and my hand signals.”
Someone stole your phone and your secret handshake? That’s terrible! Having your phone stolen is really awful. Having your secret handshake stolen, though? That’s appalling. Especially if it was a really cool one. Did it go way up high, then way down low? It did, didn’t it? Oh you poor thing.
This Thing Is Driving Me Insane
( All god damn morning >< )
“What if the constitution no longer applied?”
Gee willickers, I don’t know obnoxious robocall from Fox News! But I’m sure if I don’t hang up immediately you’re going to explain it to me at length.
Hot Tips 3
SC: “I have a question for you. I have somebody that has been saying hello to me without really saying hello.”
One of your neighbors is a telepath?
SC: “What I wanted to ask you and tell you: This is not a joke. This is not a Telus Busters joke. I’ve been harassed by someone from the Telus Busters phone number.”
….the “Telus Busters”? Is that the superhero team this telepath is a part of? They don’t really sound that super to be honest. I mean, I know superheroes need to diversify to stay interesting. But restricting yourself to doing battle with a single phone company seems like a rather narrow scope of operations. Plus Telus is pretty low grade evil to be honest. The sort of evil that can be kept at bay with a strongly worded letter writing campaign.
The Gator
Erieely quiet this evening. However, now that I look, I realize its Friday the 13th. Which means that this quiet spell is probably just the movie building up suspense until I get knifed by a guy in an alligator mask. Most likely after I hear an odd noise coming from the server room and go over to investigate it alone while calling out “Hello? Is anyone there?”.
Hax
SC: “Is this Continental?”
Me: “No, sorry, you have the wrong number ma’am”
SC: “Oh, well can you check my reservation?”
…..Sure, just give me a moment to figure out some way to hack into Continental’s reservation system and see what I can do for you. Now, I’m not 100% sure how long this will take or indeed whether or not the server in question is even accessible online. It’s possible I may have to physically drive to one of their offices, break in and hack someone’s login directly. But rest assured, I will retrieve the information for you eventually. Just hold tight.
OH SHI-
SC: “Can I get the number for <eastern office>?”
Me: “Sure, it’s xxx-”
SC: “Wait, I don’t have anything to write with so I’m going to have to enter this into my phone”
Me: “Alright.”
SC: “You’re gonna hear some beeps, be careful.”
Wait, what? Beeps?! Holy *&#@ wait, wait, let me brace myself! I have to get under my desk, give me a sec. Man, it’s a good thing you warned me there. There’s no telling what would have happened had I just been hit by the beeps out of nowhere. I could have been seriously injured!
Inspiration
You know, when you’re specifically requesting that I go above and beyond the call of duty for you and directly break client policy. You would really garner a lot more sympathy for your case if you didn’t immediately go off a 2 minute rant about how I’m a moron that “lacks common sense” and “the ability to think outside the box” because "We all have rules in life but a real man should be able to look beyond them". ( PS. Looking beyond them would get me fired. )
As the saying goes: You catch more flies with honey than with hairspray and a lighter.
Silicon Humour
Me: “And your phone number please, ma’am?”
SC: “It’s 528. Isn’t that silly?”
……I…..er…..no? I think something has been lost in translation here. I do not find that particular combination of numbers to be any more ridiculous or amusing than any other 3 digit combination. Unless I’m missing something on a mathematical level…..wait, are you a robot? Was that robot humour? You’ll have to forgive me, I am a soft, fleshy, organic thing. So you’re going to have to explain the joke.
The Gator II: Son Of Gator
TG: “Is this Steve?”
Me: “No, sorry, you have the wrong number.”
TG: “Oh, well, I have a question for you then.”
Me: “Alright?”
TG: “Do you want to go snowboarding?”
…Sure? I mean if you guys are paying for it. That would be pre-….hey hey hey, wait a minute. You’re the guy in the alligator mask aren’t you? Nice try! But I’m not falling for your little murder trap. The dead of the night on a mountain in the middle of a dark forest. Riiiiight. I see what you’re up too.
After These Messages
Attention car owners of the Lower Mainland! It is I, your friendly neighbourhood pedestrian who really doesn’t want to die tonight. If I might just have a word with you really quickly. Now, I know its Saturday night and you want to be out on the town impressing the ladies with that….thing….you call a car. But let me point something out here if I could. The city is a sheet of ice right now. Your silly vehicle with its lowered suspension, giant rims and undercarriage neon lighting has maybe 2 inches of clearance between it and the street. There is easily 6 inches of snow and ice on said street. You are no longer driving a car. You’re now driving a giant plastic plow with the traction of a stick of butter on a warm kitchen floor.
And you're doing it through a crosswalk.
Reboot
SC: “Well, fuck, I’m not going to wait for fucking ever here.”
…Alrighty then. First of all, the reason you’re waiting is a conundrum entirely of your own making. Seeing as you do not know the name nor address of your building. Thus I must take time to correct your oversight and deduce the building myself based on what hints you have provided. Second of all, you sound old enough to be my grandmother so that sounded……pretty surreal.
Me: “Ma’am, please don’t use that sort of language”
SC: “Fine, fuckhead, have it your way.”
Apparently I’ve stumbled onto the set of a gritty reboot of the Golden Girls.
Last Will & Testament
Hello, sir! Yes, it is I, the CSR you have quite literally been screaming at, at the top of your lungs, for the last 15 minutes now ( Aren't you feeling light headed yet? ). Since this litany of enraged abuse doesn't look like its going to end any time soon I can only assume it will continue until I perish beneath its cruel onslaught. Thus, I thought I would leave you a note that might be able to better explain. So after you finish pummeling my broken corpse with your meaty fists like a gorilla that escaped the zoo and found its way into a meth lab, you might finally be able to understand my side of the story.
You see, its not that I don't understand that the power is out in your apartment. I understand that, I really do. And despite your repeated threats that I am intentionally discriminating against you based on....well ok you didn't specify, but you were insistent. So despite your claims that I'm discriminating against you, lying too you, intentionally refusing you service ( which you claim is illegal because I'm an emergency line, failing to note I am only an emergency line for building maintenance. ) and how I'm the only person that has even dared to do this too you and everyone else you've ever talked to on this line has been kind and helpful and showed up at your doorstep immediately to help you clean that really hard to reach part underneath your scrotum with their tongue. Just as a courtesy. One simple fact here remains that I've been explaining to you repeatedly for the last 15 minutes:
The power is out for your entire section of the city. In other words, this is a problem with the power company. Not with your apartment or your building, both of which would be under my domain to assist. Thus I can not help you in any way shape or form and you are calling the people.
Now, I know you probably feel pretty bad now for having bludgeoned me to death in your primate like rampage. So, here, tell you what. Let's forgive and forget. In fact, why don't you head down to Ikea and get yourself something nice. No no, its on me. Roll my corpse over, my wallet's in my back pocket. That should cover it. So head down to Ikea and get yourself something. On me. Get a nice book shelf or an end table or something. Something that'll spruce up your apartment so it'll look nice when the power does come back up.
I want you to take it home and think of me. Know that everything's fine. I don't blame you at all for my untimely death. Heck, you know what? Why don't you drag that Ikea box into the living room right now. Open er up, reach in there and pull out the first piece you find. Pull that bad boy out and go fuck yourself with it. Fuck yourself with it till the instructions make sense.
And don't stop until the instructions actually call for that piece.
annnnd rest. ( I feel better now ).
Eeeeewwwww. I actually saw that . . . . 
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