Things I Learned at Work This Week

[Havering]

(These are not all from the same caller, but several different ones to my wee little state agency.)

1. "In the 155 years of our country...." I think his math may need some work.

2. "I woulda voted for JFK's kid, but he was killed by the mafia while he was investigating how the mafia killed his dad." News to the FAA, I'm sure.

3. "Flesh-eating bacteria happen because raw sewage is pumped into water-ways and ducks and geese eat it and die." I guess the progression is:
1. Pump out raw sewage.
2. Water fowl eat it.
3. Water fowl die.
4. ??????
5 Flesh-eating bacteria happen. Wait for Nobel Prize.

4. "Gold and silver coins are the only real currency." Fine. Hand over all that illegal paper in your wallet, please. We could use some party hats and noise-makers 'round here.

5. "Mine is the only nationwide petition, ever." News, I'm sure, to the 80 bazillion online petition writers that are both nation- and world-wide. Then, again, the concept of that "Internet" thingie kind of confused him, so....

6. "It's illegal for you to X" where "X" is something that's actually set out in our state's law. As in, it would be illegal for us *not* to do X. I read the law to her, but she still wasn't convinced. Which leads to my number one call this week by volume:

7. "I heard blah-blah-blah! Is that true." No, no, it isn't and here's the law that backs that up, followed by, "Well, I just don't think that's right!". Then why, pray tell, did you bother to call? Honestly? I'd like to know the answer to that one. It's usually followed by the hollow thunk sound of my head hitting my desk.

To be honest, none of these people were actually sucky (most were quite polite, really), but the ones calling for information and when you give it to them think the most cogent argument they can muster in response is, "I don't think that's right" drive me right up a tree.

[morgana]

"I don't think. That's right"

Fixed that for you.

[Mriswith]

Fixed that for you.

Dangit, this is why we need a Like button!

[dalesys]

... "I don't think. That's right" ...

Fixed that for you.

Supplying a period to some idiots is more than a momentary pleasure.
R.A.H.! R.A.H.! R.A.H.!

[Pixelated]

(These are not all from the same caller, but several different ones to my wee little state agency.)

2. "I woulda voted for JFK's kid, but he was killed by the mafia while he was investigating how the mafia killed his dad." News to the FAA, I'm sure.

No no no NO!! JFK Jr. was killed by the evil minions of the evil Hillary Clinton! So he wouldn't get a seat in the state Senate that year! Which wasn't even holding an election that year, but never mind that! And he wasn't running in the election that wasn't being held, but never mind that either! And there is more than one seat in that particular state, but ...!!!!!!!!

Seriously, people, get your facts straight! Haven't you ever heard of YouTube??

[nutraxfornerves]

"I heard blah-blah-blah! Is that true." No, no, it isn't and here's the law that backs that up, followed by, "Well, I just don't think that's right!". Then why, pray tell, did you bother to call? Honestly? I'd like to know the answer to that one. It's usually followed by the hollow thunk sound of my head hitting my desk.

Part of my job at one time including taking that kind of call. Our press officer taught me something that worked beautifully. After making a few sympathetic noises (Looks like that is something important to you), you go to "I'm not the best person." Different from "not my job, man."

But, you know, I'm probably not the best person to talk to about that. That law was passed by the Congress/Legislature/City Council, and my agency isn't able to change it. The best person would be your Member of Congress/Legislator/City Council Member. Would you like me to look up their contact information for you?

This also was good for variations like having to transfer a call, explain that it was a completely different jurisdiction, or tell them to use a specific method of complaining. As long as you keep them thinking that you want to help them find the absolutely best thing to do, you are golden. "Reporters want to talk to the best person," the press person said,and I discovered that everyone else does, too.

Although it sometimes took a bit of time to find out who to foist them off on--I mean, that best person, it usually enabled me to get rid of them faster, instead of having to listen to their life history.

Didn't hurt my career one bit that bigwigs figured out one reason why my department had a reputation for being the most helpful government agency there ever was.

[Kit-Ginevra]

Part of my job at one time including taking that kind of call. Our press officer taught me something that worked beautifully. After making a few sympathetic noises (Looks like that is something important to you), you go to "I'm not the best person." .

I get the feeling with many of this callers it would be 'I'm not the best person for you. The best person for you is the man with the white jacket and the comfy couch with nice padded walls.'

[Pixelated]

*snip*

Although it sometimes took a bit of time to find out who to foist them off on--I mean, that best person, it usually enabled me to get rid of them faster, instead of having to listen to their life history.

*snip*

Good one.

One of the things I loved about my job at that little weekly paper was that we had the time to look up things for people ... no matter how strange the requests might be. AND call them back with the answers.

Had one woman call us once all in a fluster because it was getting on towards winter and she'd spotted ... a caterpillar, crawling up the exterior wall of her house. The poor thing would surely freeze! Should she bring it inside??

We called some expert on creepy-crawlies, who (once he accepted that it wasn't a crank call, and once he stopped laughing) told us to advise her that would mean she'd have a moth (most likely it was a moth and not a butterfly) fluttering around her house all winter.

That kinds dampened her enthusiasm for any rescue attempts ...

[Havering]

Fixed that for you.

I believe you're on to something and I believe I love you (in a platonic, Internet-ish-kind-of-way).

No no no NO!! JFK Jr. was killed by the evil minions of the evil Hillary Clinton! So he wouldn't get a seat in the state Senate that year! Which wasn't even holding an election that year, but never mind that! And he wasn't running in the election that wasn't being held, but never mind that either! And there is more than one seat in that particular state, but ...!!!!!!!!

Seriously, people, get your facts straight! Haven't you ever heard of YouTube??

Oh, we were heading all 'round Robin Hood's barn, believe me. And the gentleman consistently referring to "Senator So-and-So" (male name) and "Representative So-and-So" (male name), followed by "Mrs. Clinton" was grinding my gears as well (not to mention some other petition he'd read that dealt in "coded language so that those not in the know wouldn't know what it really meant....")

Part of my job at one time including taking that kind of call. Our press officer taught me something that worked beautifully. After making a few sympathetic noises (Looks like that is something important to you), you go to "I'm not the best person." Different from "not my job, man."

Believe me, most of my end the conversations consisted of "Mm-hm", "mm-hm?", and "Really?" while I worked on a sudoko. There really isn't anything else to do other than make vague noises and wait until they wear themselves down.

[drjonah]

NO NO NO! JFK and Marilyn Monroe faked their deaths and are living in a mountain cabin together with Elvis and Hitler! I learned that in a very reputable magazine, the Weekly World News!

[dalesys]

NO NO NO! JFK and Marilyn Monroe faked their deaths and are living in a mountain cabin together with Elvis and Hitler! I learned that in a very reputable magazine, the Weekly World News!

It's shocking how a 90-year-old LOL has to keep 3 old perverts serviced...

[nutraxfornerves]

Believe me, most of my end the conversations consisted of "Mm-hm", "mm-hm?", and "Really?" while I worked on a sudoko. There really isn't anything else to do other than make vague noises and wait until they wear themselves down.

In my case, it was solitaire on the computer, or reading my email. But I did learn a lot about how to sympathize without admitting anything. "Gosh, that would make a lot of people feel angry." Few people catch on that you haven't agreed with them at all.

One of the good parts, though, was that once the receptionists knew that we really meant it when we said "your job does not include being yelled at. As soon as that happens, give it to one of the managers," the receptionists started handling more of the difficult calls on their own, because they knew we had their backs. Every so often one would ask me for training, so they could get better at it, like me. That made me feel warm & fuzzy. It also meant that whenI did get a call, it was a real horror.

I particularly liked the caller who informed me that she was calling the President himself, to have me fired.

[Pixelated]

*snip*

I particularly liked the caller who informed me that she was calling the President himself, to have me fired.

Wow. How'd you dodge that bullet??

I have the same issue with some calls at Office Job. People (potential new clients in particular) want to tell you their entire life history. Primary Secretary has told me not to engage with them; the best way is apparently to say "Hang on, you're going to have to tell [Bossman] all this anyway, so don't tell me now. You can explain it to him when he returns your call."

He's pretty good about returning calls ... sooner or later. Even if it's to tell the person this is not a situation he can help with.

I do feel sorry for some of these people -- sometimes the stories are pretty horrific and sometimes you get the nagging feeling there are mental health issues at play. But it's just best if they save the details for the actual lawyer.

[Ironclad Alibi]

NO NO NO! JFK and Marilyn Monroe faked their deaths and are living in a mountain cabin together with Elvis and Hitler! I learned that in a very reputable magazine, the Weekly World News!

For the real story about JFK and Elvis check out the documentary Bubba Ho-Tep.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

It's shocking how a 90-year-old LOL has to keep 3 old perverts serviced...

What can't get up can't get out.

And thank you so much for putting such disturbing mental images in my head of an elderly 4 way. I may not sleep again tonight.

Oh, and BTW . . . everybody and the dog knows that Elvis is riding around in a UFO and can be found at a KMart near you.