Grand Theft Auto: Not as Fun as the Videogame

[fireheart]

I love stupid crook stories.

I've got a few courtesy of various "COPS"-esque shows over here: they're cheap to make, hence why they're so common. They're also kind of funny.

The good ones from the shows:

-Cops are doing a round of shoplifting busts in a mall. They come across a guy who's clearly just stolen an $8 bottle of over-the-counter cough syrup*. They take him through and process him, only to discover that the guy actually WORKED in the mall (albeit not necessarily in the supermarket he stole from-not entirely sure on this one). Standard procedure was to issue a 6-month ban from the mall. Guy then has the balls to ring up his boss, let him know of this and ask if he still has a job!

-One not from The Force, but from another show with the same idea (I believe it was a DAFF** show): "cops" show up at a couple's house because they've received a tipoff that the house is basically selling certain oysters and fish illegally to restaurants and other businesses. Woman denies it, continues to deny it when they find records showing that she's sold this fish. Tries to claim that the fish found in the freezer downstairs were for "personal or medicinal use" (not sure which). Tries to block the folks from going upstairs because "there's a baby up there." Turns out she's correct-there is a baby up there, but there was also the rest of the haul. Needless to say, the couple were busted, fined and I think there may have been some prison time involved. (Illegal fishing/fish smuggling over here is srs bsns)

-One from Border Security: a tomato farmer from Belgium comes over here from Argentina wanting "to swim" without giving any indication of where he was going. He was also acting a bit sus, as though he was on drugs. Customs check: no drugs. What did pique their suspicions though was that he was carrying this very old keyboard that "apparently" cost 100 Euros. Customs hold onto the keyboard with the proviso that Mr. Tomato Farmer can pick it up when he leaves. He winds up leaving sans keyboard, but some asshole kept ringing up about it. Turns out the keyboard actually hid skimming equipment and as a result, not only did the Tomato Farmer get arrested, but so did the guy who kept ringing up about it. (They actually hid the equipment quite well as it didn't show up on the scans as anything unusual...this is in comparison to the guy who managed to hide "dummy slots" in his laptop but it got picked up by security)

-One on the news recently: A guy wound up driving and then just suddenly stopped in the middle of the road. They checked on the guy and found he'd actually fallen asleep.

-Another one from Border Security: this guy came over from Bali and bought a whole bunch of "questionable" things over. Among those items were a bunch of weapons, a BB gun and pellets*** (for his 2-year-old! ) and a whole bunch of porn. Customs were not amused and he would've faced jail time if he hadn't admitted what had happened. While the weapons were confiscated (I believe he was allowed to keep a couple) and one of the porn DVDs was confiscated (I believe that one involved beastiality), he at least did not face jail time.

-Some guy had the stupidity to pack a belt with a buckle that resembled a grenade. Did I mention that the buckle was metal? And it looked like the pin was still inside it? Yeah....cue a mass evacuation of the airport and the belt getting seized.

*-Under our current laws, children's cough syrups and whatnot have to be sold at pharmacies behind the counter. This particular cough syrup was NOT in that category and really can be considered to be more or less a "somewhat useless" remedy at best.
**-Department of Agriculture, Fishing and Forestries. Basically the Fish Police. They mostly make sure that people have boat licences, aren't overfishing or underfishing certain species (most states require a fishing licence, my home state does not), that any fish being sold are a certain size (one company got busted for trying to sell undersized fish and wound up getting a massive fine as a result...yeah, you do not fuck with DAFF ) and that people aren't trying to sell fish without a permit.
***-Both are illegal in Australia. Oddly enough, Nerf guns are not despite the fact that they can be modified to deliver not-so-nice results. (My partner modified one of the powered flywheel guns to be "moar powerful". End result: a few nice welts on his arm >.>)

[seigus]

I remember a few years ago in San Antonio a man committed a murder, went to his car to make his getaway but couldn't find his keys. Figuring it was fate, he surrendered to the law and confessed. While the police were examining the crime scene, they found the perpetrator's keys under the body.

[Latekin]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNNNDDDDD I've seen good ol' Tim!

Not in person, but close enough. There's a local store I go to close to the train station I go to to get to University.
It has a wall of shame.
Everyones favorite vehicle thief is on said wall of shame. He has a lovely full colour photo of him there and all. I talked to the clerk at the counter, apparently dumb-ass tried sticking batteries down his pants and legging it about two days ago, but they fell out of his pants leg before he got to the door.

I really hope they get him soon, I want to see what else this idiot's been up to while we've been waiting.

[Tama]

How many crimes is he up to now?

[Argabarga]

Zero, remember, it's the WORLD that's got the problem! Not him!!!!

[notalwaysright]

Someone in my home town cooked meth in a hot tub, in the middle of town. When they were reported, it was because of the smell and because they were keeping a sofa on the front lawn. See why I moved away? The residents of the town considered the sofa as big a crime as the meth... Snotty town.

[SailorMan]

...'Victoria's Secret' forensic science department...

There, fixed it for ya! And from what I hear, it's a great place to work!

[That Guy]

My favourite tale of stupid things that someone got caught for was when a Road Train was found on the side of the road with the engine still running but no driver. So after the local DMV had made some phone calls to the owner, a small request had to be made to one of the other Australian DMV's to confirm that the driver in question really was only allowed to drive a car an not a 50 plus meter heavy vehicle followed by some very interesting conversations with the Police.

Having driven along the main roads on the north coast of Australia, I can assure many of you that in the one to three or more hours of high speed driving between petrol stations there is almost nothing besides the road that would indicate that humans have ever been there.

[prjkt]

Having driven along the main roads on the north coast of Australia, I can assure many of you that in the one to three or more hours of high speed driving between petrol stations there is almost nothing besides the road that would indicate that humans have ever been there.

to the point where there's a plan to implant wi-fi extenders in a cow's ID chip so rural farmers have internet access... there are some farms or "stations" as they're called that are bigger than some European countries.

[dawnfire]

to the point where there's a plan to implant wi-fi extenders in a cow's ID chip so rural farmers have internet access... there are some farms or "stations" as they're called that are bigger than some European countries.

our largest is larger than Israel and is several time larger than the USA's largest ranch but only has about 17 people for about 24,000km squared.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Creek_Station

[Tama]

WiFi extenders in a cow's ID chip? That is a great idea!

[lonnolan]

Reminds me of a few stories in a book I had titled Worlds Stupidest Criminals. Favorite one is still two guys bust into a large party with knives drawn, shouting for the people inside to get down and no one would get hurt. The next thing they hear is over 100 safeties clicking off, as every one of the people there is a cop. They busted into a police retirement party, and must have been blind walking past the fifty or so marked police vehicles in the parking lot.

[prjkt]

one of my company's stores is in a bogan area, to the South East of Melbourne's CBD.

once upon a time a couple of locals decided it was a good idea to ram raid the only camera shop in the area, and take everything from the front window.

Every camera in the front window was a fake/dummy camera. This, they didn't realise until they got their loot home.

What they also failed to realise, is that they left part of the front bumper behind. The part that had the licence plate attached...

[wolfie]

our largest is several time larger than the USA's largest ranch

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anna_Creek_Station

Sounds like a great piece of trivia for "baiting" stereotypical Texans.

[Latekin]

Sounds like a great piece of trivia for "baiting" stereotypical Texans.

Already had that conversation with a Texan at a pub here a year or two back. Actually, we're getting a lot of people from Texas, Alabama and Kentucky over here lately. Any insights Americans?

First Update:
Anyway! We heard from Tim! (A while back, admittedly, last month or so, my apologies).

Tim called the store, on purpose this time! Tim wants to come in, pay all his fines and overtime rates, blah blah blah, in return for us dropping all charges against him in regards to the whole theft thing. Which makes little old me suspect that Tim's mighty close to getting picked up by the coppers, and is trying to erase as much naughtiness off his list as possible.

The third party that owns the vans is considering saying yes, but the ultimate decision is down to our Ops Co-ordinator, since it was stolen off store property.
Ops-Coord is still really pissed, and wants to continue to throw the book at him, but will consider dropping charges if Tim actually does show up, and actually does pay.

Good thing he specifies that too, cause Tim doesn't show up, and Tim doesn't pay.

Second Update:
The coppers know where Tim is! They'll apparently be waiting a few days to make a jump on him though, and the lead theory at work is that it's because the person he's staying with is a known dealer. (Lives a few blocks from our store, comes in every so often).

So I guess they're gonna get confirmation, and then jump on the lot. The saga of Tim may be at an end soon.