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How to deal with my grandmother?

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  • #16
    Quoth Aragarthiel View Post
    I'm not sure I'll ever be able to totally trust him again, I think I'll always be afraid of him going back to the way he was, so I'm not planning to jump right into this. It helps me to know that if things do go bad again, I have something to fall back on (I didn't think I did before which is why I stayed so long), but I do think he's genuinely trying to change. Through our talks I've seen that he knows exactly what he did wrong and he's trying very hard to listen to his therapist, so I do have hope for him.
    I hope you're right but don't forget that often abusers will be nice for a little while to get you back and then revert to their old ways. the other posters are right, take a long time to think if you can ever trust him.
    How was I supposed to know someone was slipping you Birth Control in the food I've been making for you lately?

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    • #17
      I've read somewhere that it's recommended you stay separated for a year while he continues to get counseling about how not to be abusive. Don't know if that is the current thinking.
      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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      • #18
        My therapist cancelled on me. Again. This is the third time, and we actually got all the way there before they told us "Yeah, we just called to let you know ten minutes ago" (when we were already well on our way). I'd find another therapist but can't afford a better one- I'm going to a state-funded clinic and it's the only one I know of in the state. I know there are probably more but the thing about living in a rural area is that another clinic would either be too far to drive or just as bad, if not worse.

        I'd give up on therapy if it wasn't for the fact that going looks good in court. IF I could even go!
        The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

        You would have to be incredibly dense for the world to revolve around you.

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        • #19
          Update, if any of you were interested.

          The therapist kept cancelling on me because apparently she quit, and the office didn't tell anyone, they just kept cancelling appointments until they finally got a new guy. I met him today, and we're waiting on a couple things they have to do next week (namely, those infernal labs) before I can officially start treatment. The new therapist seems genuinely concerned about helping me out, and when I mentioned to him that I don't know how I was diagnosed as bipolar, seeing as how I've spent more time depressed than anything, he mentioned that what others see as manic may just be a manifestation of my anxiety. We're planning to talk more about it at my next appointment, which sadly won't be for another couple weeks because of family issues on his part.

          I'm actually really happy to have this guy as my therapist, the others I've had all seemed to blame my problems on myself instead of thinking they were out of my control.
          The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

          You would have to be incredibly dense for the world to revolve around you.

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          • #20
            Quoth Aragarthiel View Post
            The therapist kept cancelling on me because apparently she quit, and the office didn't tell anyone, they just kept cancelling appointments until they finally got a new guy.
            That is...unprofessional at best.
            Unseen but seeing
            oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
            There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
            3rd shift needs love, too
            RIP, mo bhrionglóid

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            • #21
              What, they couldn't say "We're sorry, ShittyTherapist has resigned, and we're busy looking for a replacement"???

              Glad to hear you've got a good understanding with the new guy - that helps a LOT
              The report button - not just for decoration

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              • #22
                Quoth Aragarthiel View Post
                Update, if any of you were interested.
                Honey, please try to curb this kind of thinking. OF COURSE we're interested. Try not to put yourself down like that. (Hard, I know.)

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                • #23
                  It wasn't meant to come out as a negative thing, I just wasn't sure how many people were keeping up with the thread. I've seen people continue to update threads long after others have lost interest and I try to avoid becoming one of those. I promise, it's not me being hard on myself. ^^

                  I actually had a talk with my mom earlier about my therapy appointment, and she shed some light on a few things for me. Her side of the family has a pretty long history of mental health problems, and she told me that the therapist may be right about my "manic" episodes being a manifestation of anxiety. Her mom has anxiety as well, more severe but it manifests similarly for her. She tends to lose her brain-to-mouth filter while anxious and may say something that she means totally innocently but may seem hostile (for example, cursing where it may not be necessary). It took several trips to different therapists for her to find out that her "hostile behavior" was really just "I'm nervous and have a hard time with words."

                  With a little bit of thought I realized how I was being diagnosed as bipolar. The episodes that the doctors saw as manic were episodes where I, from the outside, seemed angry. But inside, I was afraid. The abuse in my past has me set to perceive things that are harmless as threatening- a slightly raised voice, certain body language, accidentally setting something down a bit roughly, things like that. My response was to get defensive, escalating the situation and making it worse. But that's pretty clearly my anxiety at work.

                  It's really hard to believe, I've only met the therapist once and he's already helping me figure things out.
                  The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

                  You would have to be incredibly dense for the world to revolve around you.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    her "hostile behavior" was really just "I'm nervous and have a hard time with words."
                    I think I just figured out why a certain ex-supervisor (nickname: The Cobra) told me I was "being hostile" toward her.

                    Thanks!
                    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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                    • #25
                      It's awesome that you're clicking with your therapist. I'd always been wary of therapy before (having tried it briefly and it was disastrous, the therapist was more interested in the sound of her own voice), but after the Ex ended things, I found a bloody MARVELLOUS therapist who GOT me. Let me tell you, it makes so much difference. You're on your way!
                      The report button - not just for decoration

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                      • #26
                        Okay, update.

                        Apparently the delay with getting me on medication was that the therapists can't prescribe anything, only the doctors can, and they're only there twice a month so getting an appointment is a nightmare.

                        I've been put on a medication that works for both anxiety and depression, we're going to see how this works then I go back in July to see what changes need to be made. It's supposed to be a temporary solution, to sort of help with the mental roadblocks that are keeping therapy from working to it's fullest. The doctor isn't willing to completely rule out bipolar disorder yet, but since depression is my biggest problem on that front, she's just going to treat me for that.
                        The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

                        You would have to be incredibly dense for the world to revolve around you.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          Ok just finished getting caught on on this thread, So pardon if I am out of date on my following comments.

                          In regards to the Grandmother that is "I know everything medical" A good response would be to ask her if she ever shat in an out house? Then point out how great indoor plumbing is. Then point out that the world changes and advances and maybe her information is out of date.


                          The fact your mom says your family has a history of mental illness makes me question your grandmothers. (Just saying)

                          To being put on a medication that helps (Yaaa you!!) If your therapists has not already mentioned it I would start a log. When you take it how you are feeling, Mood swings, anxiety, anger, exct exct. You can even put the data into an excel sheet and watch for a pattern. What triggers you, problem areas ect.

                          I hope this all sorts its self out, we await your next update.

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                          • #28
                            Quoth Crai View Post
                            The fact your mom says your family has a history of mental illness makes me question your grandmothers. (Just saying)
                            I actually have three grandmothers. My dad's mom died over ten years ago so I'm not sure about her mental health struggles, and my mom's parents got divorced when she was very little- it's my maternal grandmother that has the severe anxiety. The one that gives me problems is actually my mom's stepmother, so she has no biological connection to me, but she married my grandfather well before I was born so my sisters and I call her "Grandma." She was actually very kind to us when we were little, and she's excellent with my daughter, but she never had kids of her own so she seems to have no clue how to deal with kids once they outgrow the cute and fun stage.

                            I like the idea of keeping a journal but for the most part I already know what triggers me- I've been living with this for years before I was diagnosed, and I did a lot of soul searching in hopes of finding out what causes it and how I can overcome it.

                            Something I forgot to mention- when I met with the doctor last week, she said that I might actually have post-traumatic anxiety. I lived with an aunt and uncle who were never physically abusive but put me down and made me feel worthless (did I mention them already? I can't remember), and my anxiety might have stemmed from my efforts to make sure I never did the slightest thing wrong to trigger their anger. I'm still dealing with a lot of other issues they left me with, including a rare type of eating disorder, but I thought I had overcome the emotional damage. I guess not.
                            Last edited by iradney; 05-16-2016, 05:21 PM. Reason: fixed quote tags
                            The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not having brains gives hope to many people.

                            You would have to be incredibly dense for the world to revolve around you.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Quoth Aragarthiel View Post
                              I thought I had overcome the emotional damage. I guess not.
                              I don't think anyone really over comes it you just learn to cope with it. I grew up in a crap environment lots of abuse, all kinds. I don't form bonds with people, I have issues with trust, anger, a suspicions nature, general disdain for society, add in a high IQ and penchant for sarcasm and you get a Crai.

                              We all find our own ways to cope some get help from a therapist, some choose the chemical route. Some of us just beat our heads against the wall till we see the light.

                              I posted a little about my life in another blog. This is not the place to relate that but at the end I had this to say and I hope it will help you as it helped another.


                              "I have taken all the world has thrown at me and turned it into humor and training opportunities. Nothing can destroy me because I have seen the worst and climbed out of it on my own.

                              This is the lesson I offer to all, learn from the past and those around you if you do not like what you see then change your world. You have that power."

                              Signed:
                              Respectfully
                              Crai

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                              • #30
                                Quoth Crai View Post
                                We all find our own ways to cope some get help from a therapist, some choose the chemical route. Some of us just beat our heads against the wall till we see the light.
                                I doubt you meant this to be ambiguous, but it can be interpreted as if the chemical route was somehow 'less' - less emotional strength, less whatever - than the therapy.
                                I suspect you didn't mean that interpretation!

                                Anyway; for anyone who did interpret it that way:

                                Part of how the brain works is chemical. The brain is awash in chemicals - the 'cerebrospinal fluid' is a bath of 'neurotransmitters' and nutrients. The neurotransmitters are vital for when the brain wants to make a thought or emotion jump from one neuron (nerve cell) to the next.

                                If you don't have enough 'happy' neurochemicals - you literally can't be happy. The kids' movie 'Inside Out' is actually right about that: if Joy isn't in Headquarters, Riley can't be happy!

                                One of the 'happy' neurochemicals (dopamine) is also used as part of the learning mechanism: if you lack both serotonin (the main happy neurochemical) and dopamine, you're not only unhappy, it's bloody hard to learn stuff.

                                It's also possible to have too much 'happy', or too much or too little 'fear/anxiety', 'anger', and so on and so forth. If you're too anxious, lack the learning neurochemical, or a whole bunch of 'way too much' or 'way too little' neurochemicals; therapy alone just can't help you.

                                My usual analogy - and it seems to work - is that some diabetics MUST have insulin, because their pancreas just doesn't make enough. They can lifestyle change all they like, but they'll die without the supplemental insulin. It's neither good nor bad, it's just the way it is.
                                Other diabetics can benefit from insulin for a while, while their body adapts to the lifestyle changes, and they get into the habit of living the way diabetics need to. Then they can drop the supplemental insulin; or maybe just keep some around for emergencies.
                                And yet other diabetics never need insulin at all.


                                Mental health is the same. Some people need chemicals all their lives. Some need it to help them while their brains (and themselves) adapt to what they learn in therapy. And some never need them.
                                Seshat's self-help guide:
                                1. Would you rather be right, or get the result you want?
                                2. If you're consistently getting results you don't want, change what you do.
                                3. Deal with the situation you have now, however it occurred.
                                4. Accept the consequences of your decisions.

                                "All I want is a pretty girl, a decent meal, and the right to shoot lightning at fools." - Anders, Dragon Age.

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