Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

NEW RULES!

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • NEW RULES!

    Stealing the concept blatantly from Bill Maher, here are some New Rules for the bar!

    thirtynothing: New Rule! If you're under 30, you cannot express shock at being carded. Nor can you in any way say, "I'm old." If you have not yet been on this planet for 30 years, and you are carded, your only job is to shut the fuck up and show your ID. This not only allows us to do our job and follow the laws where we work, it also prevents the patrons who are older than you from beating you over their heads with their walkers and running you over with their Hoverounds.

    Full of Crap: New Rule! If you're only here to use the bathroom, don't lie and ask to see the food or drink menu. Just be honest and say, "We're just freeloaders, and we're here to take advantage of your plumbing facilities, so we can shit out the egg, potato, habanero, oatmeal, peanut butter, oyster, Pepto Bismol, sawdust, and paint chip burritos we had for breakfast at another place." If you're gonna use stuff you will never pay for, be like a politician or Fortune 500 executive and be proud of it!

    Eyes Wide Shut: New Rule! You can no longer walk through the open front door of a restaurant, look around at the workers working and people eating and drinking and ask, "Are you open?" You're not Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder, you don't have a red-tipped cane or seeing eye dog, and you're a functional enough adult to have dressed yourself and wandered out of your house or hotel room on your own. By now, you should be able to read the blatantly obvious signs that, yes, we are open, and those people eating over there aren't confused picnickers who couldn't find the park or the beach, and in frustration wandered into a closed business, without any of the employees telling them they were trespassing.

    Bazaar behavior: New Rule! You are no longer allowed to attempt your Trump-level negotiation skills to lower our prices. Our prices were set by management, and are not changing. And if they were, we would not be the ones changing them, as we are merely employees, and don't make such lofty decisions. So your pathetic so-called jokes about prices being less for you, such as, "Oh, this is only a dollar, right?" will no longer be tolerated. Unless, of course, you're willing to allow us to come to your jobs and attempt to negotiate with your boss into lowering your wages. "I think he's paid a bit much, don't you, Larry? How about we just round down by a few thousand on his salary, okay?"

    Slappy Birthday: New Rule! You can no longer ask for free shots on your birthday, or on your friend's birthday. The bartender--and only the bartender--decides who, if anyone, is getting free shots, and since you're not blowing him at the moment, you're no different from any other mooch that wanders in here looking for free shit. If you really want free shots, be just as sly and sneaky as everyone else, and casually mention that it's your/their birthday. Or, better yet, stay at home and raid your parents' liquor cabinet, replacing the stolen booze with water, the way anyone else acting like a teenager drinking for the first time would do.

    Brew Ha Ha: New Rule! It's about time you morons learned your basic geography, so when I say that domestic beers are on special during happy hour, you don't ask if that includes Guinness, Corona, or Stella. Those beers are from other countries, as you well know, and therefore are imports...as you also well know. Or, as we in the business like to call them, "not domestics." Wait, you don't like domestics? Guess what? No one else does, either. But they're on special because they're cheap beers. And people buy them because they're cheap people. You can have cheap or you can have tasty, not both. Your choice.

    Remote control: New Rule! If you ask us to change the channel to a sporting event you say you want to watch, and we do so, you should stay for more than three minutes after that, so you can actually watch the event that was so important to you to make you stop us from helping other people just so we could change the channel to it. If you're only gonna watch a few minutes of soccer midway through the first period, it clearly wasn't that important to you to begin with. With such a short attention span as one of your endearing characteristics, it's no wonder your girlfriend is eyeing other guys around the bar.
    Last edited by Jester; 07-26-2015, 07:55 PM.

    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
    Still A Customer."


  • #2
    Quoth Jester View Post
    when I say that domestic beers are on special during happy hour, you don't ask if that includes Guinness, Corona, or Stella. Those beers are from other countries, as you well know, and therefore are imports...as you also well know.
    A while back, there was a scandal that Beck's (supposed to be imported from Germany) was actually being brewed in the U.S. for the U.S. market. Would "imported brand brewed domestically" be considered a domestic or an import for the purpose of this special?
    Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

    Comment


    • #3
      Quoth Jester View Post
      thirtynothing: New Rule! If you're under 30, you cannot express shock at being carded. Nor can you in any way say, "I'm old." If you have not yet been on this planet for 30 years, and you are carded, your only job is to shut the fuck up and show your ID. This not only allows us to do our job and follow the laws where we work, it also prevents the patrons who are older than you from beating you over their heads with their walkers and running you over with their Hoverounds.
      If I get carded, I do look surprised/shocked. Then I look happy, show my ID and double your tip. Of course, I'm more than a few years older than 30 which probably makes a difference in my attitude about it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Jester View Post

        By now, you should be able to read the blatantly obvious signs that, yes, we are open, and those people eating over there aren't confused picnickers who couldn't find the park or the beach, and in frustration wandered into a closed business, without any of the employees telling them they were trespassing.
        Sometimes people will knock on our doors until someone notices and we have an annoying conversation through the door, since I refuse to open it and give them a chance to slip in the building. "Are you open?" "No." "Well when do you open?" "At nine, like it says on the door." "I saw you let someone in!" "That person works here, and we locked the door behind her because we're not open yet." "Oh."

        Quoth Jester View Post
        Wait, you don't like domestics? Guess what? No one else does, either. But they're on special because they're cheap beers. And people buy them because they're cheap people. You can have cheap or you can have tasty, not both. Your choice.
        Is it just the big name domestics? 'Cause craft/microbreweries are super duper popular around here, and also pretty good, or so I'm told by people who like beer. The other day I was behind a college age guy in line at the grocery store, and he looked all hip and whatnot. All I wanted to say is "that brand is what my dad drinks, and he's over 60!" (well, technically he's moved onto whiskey, but this is not the point.) Not that I care what beer people drink, I just think of that brand as an older guy's brand if that makes sense.
        Last edited by notalwaysright; 07-26-2015, 08:32 PM.
        Replace anger management with stupidity management.

        Comment


        • #5
          your Trump-level negotiation skills
          That low-level? Why bother?
          When you start at zero, everything's progress.

          Comment


          • #6
            These rules are wonderful.

            I'm a partner in a new bar/restaurant/live music venue (yet to open but we're getting there) and I'd love to be able to borrow/steal/plunder some of them, please Jester.

            Pretty please???

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth wolfie View Post
              A while back, there was a scandal that Beck's (supposed to be imported from Germany) was actually being brewed in the U.S. for the U.S. market. Would "imported brand brewed domestically" be considered a domestic or an import for the purpose of this special?
              No, for two reasons. First, because in my bar, it's not all domestics, but as I tell people, "domestic non-premiums." So all the craft beers are out the window, as would this be under this supposed loophole.

              Secondly, it's an import, no matter where it's brewed, because it's a product of Germany, damn it.

              Also, there are a few "imports" that are brewed under license of the original brewer here in America. For pricing purposes, they are still imports.

              Quoth Slave to the Phone View Post
              If I get carded, I do look surprised/shocked. Then I look happy, show my ID and double your tip. Of course, I'm more than a few years older than 30 which probably makes a difference in my attitude about it.
              I'm 45. I got carded this last April in Orlando, though technically I was only 44 at the time. I handed my ID to the bouncer, turned to my 24 year old friend, and said, "You're a witness!

              Quoth LesserSouthernFroglet View Post
              These rules are wonderful.

              I'm a partner in a new bar/restaurant/live music venue (yet to open but we're getting there) and I'd love to be able to borrow/steal/plunder some of them, please Jester.

              Pretty please???
              We can discuss it. PM. All I would want would be credit. Not credit as in a bar tab, but credit as in my name on any such sign in your bar. My actual name, not Jester.

              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
              Still A Customer."

              Comment


              • #8
                Here in Alaska, it doesn't matter if you look like a grey haired grandma, you're getting carded. I just make sure I have my ID out when I'm buying adult beverages.

                The train version of Eyes Wide Shut is Ears Stopped Up. The Bartender explained how tabs work. I'm the cook, I don't want your credit card. No you cannot smoke on the train. The trip takes about 4 and 1/2 hours. The Bartender takes the orders and makes the drinks. I make and run the food. You still cannot smoke on the train. You should have ordered the first time the Bartender came to your table. Tables 15-20 haven't been served yet. Your luggage is on the ground waiting for you.
                Question authority, but raise your hand first. -Alan M. Bershowitz

                Comment


                • #9
                  If I were to get carded, I would look astonished and the waitperson would probably get tackle-hugged . . .

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    You can have cheap, or you can have tasty, not both.
                    How very very true.
                    Life's too short to drink cheap beer

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I didn't get carded the last time I went out drinking. Damn grey hairs of mine.

                      Quoth Jester View Post
                      ...it also prevents the patrons who are older than you from beating you over their heads with their walkers...
                      You mean to say you get these as customers?


                      Damn Jester I really want to go to your bar for drinks now
                      Last edited by Talon; 07-31-2015, 04:53 PM.
                      Happiness is the exercise of vital powers along lines of excellence in a life affording you scope.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Quoth Talon View Post
                        You mean to say you get these as customers?
                        From time to time. Those Miami folk really love their machines.

                        "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                        Still A Customer."

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Talon View Post
                          You mean to say you get these as customers?
                          I think he meant this walker.
                          "I don't have to be petty. The Universe does that for me."

                          Comment

                          Working...
                          X