Specific answers for vague/general questions

[edible_hat]

"how much is a groom?"

Well first you have to meet him, then seduce him, then get him to propose, then plan the wedding...

[Difdi]

My favorites are the customers who call for computer support and tell me they got "some error message about something" and want to know how to fix it. I get that one all the time...

The proper answer to that is "Well, you mess with the thingy in the whatsis, and it fixes it right up. Or, if you tell me what the specific problem is, I can give you the specific answer."

[froglet]

My favorite:

"How much does the electricity run?"

"It really depends on usage"

"Just a ballpark figure then will be fine"

If this happens a lot, get some actual figures for actual ballparks, like Rogers Centre (formally SkyDome) in Toronto, Houston Dome, Olympic Stadium, anywhere they play ball-based games

[Mango]

I can't believe I'm the first to post this, but the one I get all the time is "Is the server down?"

In which I will fix your problem as soon as you tell me what's going on.

SC: Mango, is the server down? Thanks, SC
Me: Nope. --Mango
SC: Mango, Oh. Are you sure? I'm getting an error on my laptop. Thanks, SC
Me: I'm sure. What's the error say? -Mango
SC: Mango, 'Non system disk or disk error. Replace and strike any key when ready.' Thanks, SC
Me: Do like it says and take the floppy out. --Mango
SC: Mango, thanks, it's working now! The server must be back up!



In which I don't mince words.

SC: Mango! The server's down!
Me: We have eighteen different servers. You use them all. What can't you do?
SC: Oh...uh...I am attempting to send email using Outlook Express and am receiving Error 550.
Me: Gooood user. Good boy.



In which we have a common variation on the theme.

SC: Mango! Are you working on the server?
Me: Given that it's between the hours of nine and five, yes, yes I am.
SC: Oh. Could you let me know when you're done please?
Me: Er...why? I'm testing the latest update to our merchant services reporting software. Not exactly worth waiting around for.
SC: Isn't it down whenever you work on it?
Me: If the server were down every day between the hours of nine and five, I would be fired. What isn't working for you?

[Mango]

If this happens a lot, get some actual figures for actual ballparks, like Rogers Centre (formally SkyDome) in Toronto, Houston Dome, Olympic Stadium, anywhere they play ball-based games

HAHEHEHE~!111!SNORT!

Thanks esf, I'm glad I wasn't drinking anything just then

[thehippie777]

Holy crud, I got this one last night!

Older lady walks past the desk, goes outside. Appears back a couple minutes later & simply asks, "Did someone die?"

I just looked at her like she was crazy at first...wondering if she saw an ambulance, dead body...or what?!

Apparently the MDA building across the street from us has their flag half-mass....but it took me awhile to find out wtf she was talking about.

[thedrunkenmonkey]

One of my personal favorites as security head at a 1,500 person event, where I was on radio with hired and volunteer security the entire night.

Three guys walk up, one with a case of Labatt's hidden in the way only a pregnancy that began with a wild night in a pineapple under the sea could be hidden.

"Hey, so we paid at the other door."
"The other door? What other door?"
"The door at the other end of the building, man!"
"There's a door at the other end of the building?" (There is no other end of the building, therefore no door)
"Yeah, man, they told us it was cool, we didn't need wristbands to get in, just to come down here."
"You paid at the other door."
"Yeah. Let us in."
"Oh, I see. Well, they actually didn't tell you the right thing. This is the door for people with wristbands. The door for people without wristbands is about a hundred feet down that way."
"Yo, dude, just let us in this door."
"Well, I'm sorry. This is the door for the people with wristbands. There's no other door. There's definitely no other door for skimmers trying to sneak in."
"Dude! Check with your fucking boss, man!"
"I'm sorry, give me a second."

*sound of radio check, with a dial-over to Stupid Channel, which we use for fucking around*

"Hi, door number two? Could you give me a confirmation on your sale of fee to two individuals at the other door? Confirm. Could you confirm description? Confirm. Could you confirm lack of any door other than this one for this event at all save the backstage door and this one not including warehouse doors only to be opened? Confirm. Could you confirm that I'm the head of security for the event? Confirm. Could you now confirm that underaged morons trying to sneak into events with cases of beer will be subject to immediate expulsion and/or summary arrest by police currently working event?"

"Huh. Looks like you guys are lying sacks of shit. Option one: leave. Option two: leave with assistance."

"You THREATENING us?!"

"No no, you misunderstand. I'm just outlining the consequences of the course of your actions. The first is you leaving under your own free will. The second is having the two nice cops on my radio channel right now arresting you and taking you home to Mommy and Daddy. Your choice, but only for the next ten seconds."

So close....but late by five.

[Tireana Dorcha]

I more get people that ask one question and mean something totally different...

SC: When does your childcare open?
Me: Well, it runs 6:30-6:30 at <My> facility and 6:30-6:00 at the schools.
SC: That's not what I mean, I want to know when your childcare opens!
Me: Now I'm baffled. Do you mean when the program starts?
SC: --Says nothing of course--
Somehow I know the answer I give is going to be wrong.
Me: It runs every week, Monday thru Friday. If you're not registered you can register up to the week you need it.
SC: That's NOT what I MEAN! When does your childcare open up out at <location north of me>?
Me: They are running childcare there at the school, and have been all year.
SC: No! The building, when does the building open?
Me: It clicks. I get it now. You mean the Family Facility? That should open up this summer.
SC: Thanks, bye.

Ooookay...Family Facility is primarily a workout facility. We have never said the childcare was going to be based at it. How the heck was I to know 'when does childcare open' equated out to 'when does the new Facility open'?

[IHateStupidCustomers]

Off topic: The best pizzas I've ever had were from this one place which is always kind of crowded on Friday and Saturday nights despite being a bit of a way away from all the hot nightspots. They have two sizes and prices start at $5.50.

On topic: I've been asked "How much will it cost to fill my car?" over the phone. I have no idea what kind of car the customer had, what kind of fuel it takes or how much was already in it. Also for some reason it's illegal for me to give out fuel prices over the phone.

The BEST pizza ever is Giordano's is Chicago. Stuffed pizza with like a two-inch layer of cheese inside. The toppings are inside with the cheese, and the sauce is one top. I've never had a better pizza!

When I worked in Shoes, I had quite a few woman (always woman, lol) that would call in and being a conversation that would go something like this:

SC: "Do you have the shoes in the ad in a six?"
Me: "Which shoes in the ad were you looking at?"
SC: "The SHOES in the AD!"
Me: "There are 12 shoes in the ad this week. Do you have any idea which one you wanted?"
SC: *Grunting* "OMG!!! The black ones!"
Why me???
Me: "There are six black shoes in the ad this week. Do you have any other details?"
SC: "Shit!! Why does this have to be so hard! I want the black shoes on saw in there last week! There on sale now in the ad! I need them in a six!!!!"
Me: "Ma'am I don't know which shoes you're talking about."
SC: "They were on the wall with the kids shoes! They're black!"
Okay, kids shoes! We're pointed in the right direction now. But, just about every kids shoe we have is displayed on the wall
Me: "Okay, so it's a black kids shoe. Was it girls or boys? Athletic or dress? Do you know the brand or the price?"
SC: "IT WAS BLAAAAAACK!"
Rinse and repeat a thousand times
Me: "Ma'am, I just need some more information from you. Even if you can tell me if it was a boys or girls shoe, that would something. Do you have the ad in front of you? It will tell you the brand and the -"
SC: "F*ck it!" *click*
Well, have a nice day, too, ma'am.

[Skarredmind]

Two here:

Both video store love...

SC: Do you have Blood?
Me: What??? Yeah I guess I am chocked full of it.......
SC: Huh?
Me: Are you looking for a DVD??
SC: (Condescending tone) Blood, the Last vampire, its ANNNNNNNNIIIIIIMMMEEEE.
Me: Its probably in the Anime section... under B...


SC: Do you have that movie... you know the one with the guys... and they had guns...
Me: There are a lot of movies like that... Do you know the title? Or maybe the Actors?
SC: No... I guess you're not a movie buff then (Stopms off in a huff)
(Me: Oooooh that's Carebears the movie, you worthless sack of protoplasm)

[Geek King]

SC: Do you have that movie... you know the one with the guys... and they had guns...
Me: There are a lot of movies like that... Do you know the title? Or maybe the Actors?
SC: No... I guess you're not a movie buff then (Stopms off in a huff)
(Me: Oooooh that's Carebears the movie, you worthless sack of protoplasm)

Noooo! That's when you smile and say, "I know exactly which one you want sir! Let me get it for you!" Then grab The Punisher. The origonal. Trust me, they deserve it.

[Anriana]

"How can I help you?"
"Is there an outage?"
"Well, yes, we are working in Birmingham, AL, Montgomery, AL, Fairbanks, AK, Juno, AL...."


"How can I help you?"
"My VOD isn't working. It gave me an error code."
<ten second pause>
"And what is that error code?"
"Oh my god, I have to go through all of that again? Why do you need the error code? Just fix it!"

[cinema guy]

SC: Do you have Blood?
Me: What??? Yeah I guess I am chocked full of it.......

Off topic, but I was in a video store in London,

Me: "I'm looking for Innocent Blood."
Brother: "Why did can't you find any in <hometown>?"

[BookstoreEscapee]

If this happens a lot, get some actual figures for actual ballparks, like Rogers Centre (formally SkyDome) in Toronto, Houston Dome, Olympic Stadium, anywhere they play ball-based games

Damn, you beat me to it!


Well, sir/ma'am, Yankee Stadium runs about $X a month; and Shea is about $Y....now the Blue Claws...they're minor league...their stadium is a little less...

[PepperElf]

SC: Do you have Blood?

possible answers.... Yes. It's in my veins right now...
and when it comes to dvds... hell it could mean anything from "There Will Be Blood" (which was what I suspected first) to "Bloodbath at the House of Death".


and i remember working at little ceaser's ... people would ask for "Everything" so, as per company policy, we had to tell them just how much everything costs on a pizza. they always changed their minds and opted for the supreme, or whatever meat-lovers / veggie-lovers deal we had.