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♪ I don’t wanna grow up, cause I’ll turn into this… ♪ (very long)

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  • ♪ I don’t wanna grow up, cause I’ll turn into this… ♪ (very long)

    Whoever described my work life as being a cartoon fight dust cloud that just happens to sweep me up once in a while sure did hit the nail on the head.

    I dealt with three instances over the last two days. All of them involve older people. Like, World War II old. And back when WWI was called The Great War old.

    I have a tremendous respect for the elderly but I have never met bigger assholes with a sense of entitlement than an older customer who lost their sense of decency and everything that would be considered aging with dignity.

    Like my previous story with the 29 year old “kid”, I seriously don’t think anything is wrong with these people except they’re such a ray of sunshine that the kids can’t wait for them to die so they can either get their inheritance or get them out of their lives.

    Tragic, but you know the type.

    Compounded on top of everything, we got about a quarter inch of rain last night. Just enough to make every single person in southern California forget everything they ever learned about how to drive except for steering with their knees while they apply makeup. The normal traffic report has around five accidents each morning. Today? Forty two. (and me caught on the freeways without a towel)

    I don’t think I got faster than 30mph the entire 50 mile trip to work this morning.

    Congratulations if you got the reference in the title, I don’t know if anyone from the east side of the pond got it.

    This involves multiple choice! Please select your answers when the questions appear.

    Instance the First – Oh dear god, please don’t tell me I have this to look forward to

    I will start off by saying that this customer is 99 years old. I will also say that she either has the oldest phone known to man or the weakest hearing aid known to man. Everything with this customer needed to be repeated no less than 10 times. I’m counting. Trust me. It took me fifteen minutes to tell her what the number for our claim center was, and she still got it wrong, TWICE.

    Bit of a backstory – customer purchases sofabed back in June, calls us to enter a claim at the end of July stating that the seat is too hard. We get a technician out there to her, he finds out that she’s only been sitting on one side of the sofa so that side is breaking in while the other side still has the swirl marks the drivers left on it from handling it.

    Customer then calls us a week ago, stating the bed itself is damaged and she no longer wants the sofa and we need to come pick it up. It literally took thirty minutes to get just this bit of information. I seriously thought someone was prank calling me because I never thought anyone could be that slow on the uptake.

    Without boring you with the play by play of the Holy Mother of Village 867, I ended up leaving a note for the manager.

    Fast forward to yesterday. Customer calls me, and the only two words out of her mouth are “What?” every time I tried to say something, followed by “Lawyer!” every time I wasn’t saying anything. Through a process that I would rather be covered in a thousand papercuts and dipped into a vat of salty lemon juice than go through again, I found out that she still had not received a callback, according to her. After another fifteen minutes of me saying that I would see what I could do (and not because she refused to understand, it literally took her that long to get what I was saying, even with me shouting into the phone) I called the claim center directly.

    Surprise surprise. She had called the woman there and left a very very nasty message with the best examples of colorful language of the last 5 generations I had ever heard. The phrase that sticks out in my mind that I will forever be using from now on is “motherfucking poppycock.

    The technician called her back yesterday to schedule an appointment, and she refused it because it would take him a week to get out there. Normally it doesn’t take that long but our techs get pretty busy with warranty issues after a big sale. I’m still working with the corporate office to see if we can do an exchange but I doubt they will say yes for the two following reasons:

    -The customer had the piece for a month and was turned down service when she never broke in the other cushion
    -The customer refused to have our technician come out there to fix her sofabed (I doubt there was anything wrong in the first place with it)

    So Question 1! The reasoning this customer is behaving this way is…

    a) She’s just old and batty
    b) Buyers Remorse
    c) Both A and B
    d) God hates me

    Instance The Second – Kusanagi Smash

    This was a fun one. I dealt with a woman yesterday who personified the word “bitch.” Imagine Bea Arthur with Paris Hilton’s entitlement and Britney Spears’ grip of reality. She purchased a sofa from us five years ago and two weeks ago wanted us to come out there and fix it. It had been her son’s only bed for five years and not only was the mattress shot, so was the frame.

    Well, this thing is WAY out of warranty but for whatever reason, the technician was feeling generous and we offered her the option of replacing the mechanism and mattress at cost.

    Since you’re reading this, I’m sure you can guess if she accepted the offer or not.

    I get three calls in a row – one from her, one from the tech, who states after he was treated there’s no way in hell he’s going back out there, then from the woman again. She launched into a tirade and would not let me get a word in edgewise. What follows is the latter part of the exchange in question where I finally get tired of her BS.

    SC: This is unbelievable! This piece of #$^@ sofa is broken and you need to come out and fix it!
    Me: According to the tech, you’ve been using it every night for the past five years. It’s not designed to take the place of a real bed. It’s a four inch mattress, of course it’s going to go flat after five years.
    SC: Oh, so you’re admitting that you sell cheap product?
    Me: (pulls up the order in the system, and see that she bought the cheapest promotion we’ve ever had, five years go on final clearance. It was a sofabed for $200) Well, you bought the cheapest promotion that we’ve ever had, you didn’t get anything else to go with it and you didn’t upgrade the mattress. Honestly, I’m surprised it lasted as long as it did, you got a lot of use out of it.
    SC: SO YOU ARE ADMITTING THAT YOU SELL CHEAP PRODUCT?
    Me: (grinding teeth) Ma’am, show me any place where you can buy an actual mattress for under $200 that won’t go flat in six months. The average sofabed, with average use, lasts about ten years, like any other couch. If you’ve been using it every single night to sleep on, then yes, it lasted much longer than normal.
    SC: So what are you going to do for me?
    Me: (Fold the bed up with you in it to make some vintage "vin'de bitch"?) The sofa’s been out of warranty for four years, at best we can offer to replace the mechanism and the mattress at cost, I’m showing here that’s what the tech offered you.
    SC: I shouldn’t have to pay for it! How much is it?
    Me: Let’s see…with the install and mechanism it would come out to be roughly $150.
    SC: That’s ridiculous! No way in hell will I pay that! Why should I?
    Me: Because a) it’s the only thing we’re going to offer, and b) You got five years worth of use out of it, and for another $150 you can get ANOTHER five years worth out of it if you still insist on using it every day.
    SC: Well my son has back problems now from your horrible merchandise! He’s going to need an operation to fix his back now!
    Me: ...because he’s been sleeping on a sofabed for FIVE YEARS! Most people only sleep on it for a few days, maybe a week or two at the most, because it’s a temporary solution or an extra bed. It doesn’t take the place of a real mattress, and a real mattress is not something you can be cheap on if you don’t want to have problems later on in life!
    SC: You have no idea what you’re talking about.
    Me: Actually, I do. I’ve been in retail and sales for four years now, I’ve been a manager at this company for three, and I sold mattresses before that.
    SC: Can you put someone on the phone who can actually do their job because it’s obvious that you can’t.
    Me: Can you put someone on the phone who can understand what I’m saying because it’s obvious that you can’t?

    I’m wondering how much damage the phone took because there was a huge crash and suddenly a disconnect.

    So Question 2, boys and girls! What happened to the phone?
    a) She slammed it down so hard the receiver cracked
    b) She threw it onto the ground or wall
    c) The force of the Kusanagi Smash was so great the sound was actually the entitlement whore going off like an atomic bomb, taking out everything in a five mile radius
    d) God hates me

    Incident the Third – This is the least of your worries.

    A nice older couple (Mid 60s, if I had to guess) came in a few times leading up to the actual purchase of a couch before the 2nd of October. They needed something very small, and I worked with them to find a piece that would work. They purchased it, I gave them the measurements, they left. The next day, the husband called me back to cancel it stating that it was too large. The husband gave me the order number, the credit card number, and the other information I needed to do a refund. I cancelled it, no problem.

    Fast forward a week. I’m calling customers with their delivery time windows and lo and behold, I get a phonecall from the wife, asking when her couch was going to be delivered.

    Me: Um, ma’am, your husband called me and cancelled it the day after you placed the order.
    SC: (0 to apeshit in the blink of an eye) WHAT? THAT’S A LIE!
    Me: Um, I’m sorry?
    SC: (to her husband in the same room) He says you cancelled it.
    SC’s Husband: (a ton of screaming I can’t make out)
    SC: THAT’S A LIEEEEEE! Why would we cancel?
    Me: (digs out paperwork) Well, you came in on the 2nd and ordered it, and I received a phone call from your husband the next day saying that when you went home and measured it was still too big, so you would like to cancel. I personally remember that conversation because you’re the only cancellation I had in the last three weeks. I checked that your credit card information was valid, we processed the refund and it should have been back in your account on the 5th.
    SC: That’s a lie! We didn’t cancel! Why would we cancel?
    Me: I don’t know ma’am, all I can go off of is what I have right here in front of me and what I recall. Someone who sounded an awful lot like your husband called, gave us all the info of the order, and cancelled it, giving us the credit card number to do the refund to, which matched your credit card number. Are you sure your husband didn’t call us and do this?
    SC’s Husband: (picked up the phone in the other room) Now listen here young man. I never cancelled anything.
    Me: (yeah right, bullshit you didn’t, but I’m not going to say that to him) Well, sir, if that’s the case, and you really didn’t make that phone call, you’ve got much much larger issues to deal with right now than just this sofa.
    SC: What the hell are you talking about? I bet you cancelled it anyway or someone pulled a prank on you!
    Me: I’m the only one who was working here those two days and nobody else could have gotten into the computer system…and it makes no sense for me to cancel it. I work on commission, what possible reason would I have to cancel an order that would have put money in my pocket?
    SC: I know for a fact we didn’t cancel, what is your company trying to pull?
    Me: Okay. If this is really the case, and you didn’t call to cancel the order, then here’s what you need to do. As soon as you get off the phone with me, you need to contact your local government offices, you need to contact your bank, and anything else you can think of.
    SC: Why would we do that?
    Me: Because if someone called in with all the information they gave me, including credit card information then that means you’re a victim of identity theft and you need to get on it right now or else a cancelled sofa is the least of your worries.

    Both SCs went really, really quiet. The reason I said this was to shut them up. If they weren’t lying (which I very, very highly doubt) then yelling at me is the last thing they should be doing. Plus, this also catches them in their lie. If they are lying, then they can’t continue to yell at me because if they do, it means they know I see right through their bullshit. I mean, if someone had my credit card info I’d be more concerned with someone buying a sofa, not someone canceling one.

    The husband came back in and reordered the sofa.

    Question 3! What do you think was REALLY going on?
    a) Husband has selective Alzheimer’s and really did cancel the sofa, and forgot all about it
    b) Someone actually DID get ahold of all their information and was able to call us and cancel their sofa
    c) They changed their minds and instead of being, you know, human, they decided to tear me a new one and save face as a way of getting what they want
    d) God still hates me

    So those were the three events that just made up the last week for me. This is gonna push me over the edge I swear.

    For fun, here’s the extra credit question!

    When Kusanagi finally goes off the deep end, how exactly should he go out in a blaze of glory?
    a) Anything that turns 867 into a huge crater
    b) Suicide bomb the waiting room of the local BBB where one files frivolous complaints
    c) Death by snoo-snoo (any female volunteers wanna help me with that one?)
    d) Hari-kiri with a table leg

    Pass your papers to the front, please. How’d ya’ll do?
    "Time shall help me face my painful memories with indifference, and with more of it, I won't feel the need to face them at all..."

  • #2
    SC: Can you put someone on the phone who can actually do their job because it’s obvious that you can’t.
    Me: Can you put someone on the phone who can understand what I’m saying because it’s obvious that you can’t?
    I am so stealing that.

    You are full of win.
    Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

    "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

    Comment


    • #3
      1) all answers suck, it is clearly e) all of the above
      2) a and d
      3) c and d
      4) a would make Gravekeeper happy, but then he wouldn't have as many stories to post, so I'll go with c
      "Never argue with an idiot; they'll drag you down to their level and beat you with experience." - Anonymous

      "I thought I'd get your theories, mock them, then embrace my own. The usual." - Dr. House

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth Kusanagi View Post
        a) Anything that turns 867 into a huge crater:
        Hey, I live in 867 (Sometimes). But, hey, the two intelligent portions of 867 are a very small place that are easy to spare. 'Sides, most of GK's customers are from Nunavut, just flatten that bit.

        I personally vote for c).
        'I never thought it would end this way. But I always really, really hoped!'-Fry
        Burn the land and boil the sea, you can't take the sky from me!

        I like big bots and I cannot lie.

        Comment


        • #5
          Whoever described my work life as being a cartoon fight dust cloud that just happens to sweep me up once in a while sure did hit the nail on the head.


          I'm just glad I'm on your side so I can get fair warning before the PATH OF RAGE gets unleashed.
          "You know, there are times when it's a source of personal pride not to be human." - Hobbes

          Comment


          • #6
            The answer is always D
            ALWAYS
            "Jester, I have an opportunity for you." Uh oh. What does he want me to clean? "It 's a chance for you to make some extra money." Crap, it must be really gross!

            -Jester

            Comment


            • #7
              Quoth Decker View Post
              The answer is always D
              ALWAYS
              Not always. I took an anthropology class in college and the tests were always multiple choice. Most of the questions had ABCD choices, but every once in a while he'd throw in one with an E choice (like 5 or so per test). In those cases, it was always E.

              How do you make music notes? And is Geoffrey the Giraffe around? Cuz I'm a Toys R Us kid!
              I don't go in for ancient wisdom
              I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
              It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

              Comment


              • #8
                What the hell is snoo-snoo?!?!?

                "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                Still A Customer."

                Comment


                • #9
                  Quoth Jester View Post
                  What the hell is snoo-snoo?!?!?
                  Euphemism for sex. Started in Futurama. Basically the male characters in one episode were forced to have sex with large (And I mean like giant 10 feet muscular women). The petite women were still huge.
                  The Grand Galactic Inquisitor hears all and sees all.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    A
                    A
                    C
                    A and C
                    and how about a cookie and provide you with cookie goodness

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Because of this:
                      Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                      Me: Can you put someone on the phone who can understand what I’m saying because it’s obvious that you can’t?
                      I think I'd be more than willing to assist you with c) below.
                      Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                      For fun, here’s the extra credit question!

                      When Kusanagi finally goes off the deep end, how exactly should he go out in a blaze of glory?
                      a) Anything that turns 867 into a huge crater
                      b) Suicide bomb the waiting room of the local BBB where one files frivolous complaints
                      c) Death by snoo-snoo (any female volunteers wanna help me with that one?)
                      d) Hari-kiri with a table leg

                      Pass your papers to the front, please. How’d ya’ll do?
                      Oh, and Jester? Snoo Snoo is a term from an episode of Futurama, where they go to the planet Amazonia, and the mens' punishment is "Death by Snoo-Snoo," which basically means death by sex.
                      "In the end I was the mean girl/or somebody's in between girl"~Neko Case

                      “You don't need many words if you already know what you're talking about.” ~William Stafford

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        which is why all the skeletans had happy smiles to go with their broken pelvi and hips.
                        I believe its death actually by Broken pelvis and starvation.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Jester View Post
                          What the hell is snoo-snoo?!?!?
                          Its' from an episode of Futurama where they were stranded on a planet populated by 10 foot jungle women who killed all the males inhabitants by fucking them to death.

                          Hence, "death by snoo snoo"
                          Total surrender
                          Your touch is so tender
                          Your skin is like water on a burning beach
                          And it brings me relief
                          "Nails in My Feet" - Crowded House

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            In case nobody pointed it out yet, snoo snoo refers to sex.

                            Just checking.
                            "Time shall help me face my painful memories with indifference, and with more of it, I won't feel the need to face them at all..."

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                              The normal traffic report has around five accidents each morning. Today? Forty two. (and me caught on the freeways without a towel)
                              You should know better than to forget your towel.

                              Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                              So Question 1! The reasoning this customer is behaving this way is…

                              a) She’s just old and batty
                              b) Buyers Remorse
                              c) Both A and B
                              d) God hates me
                              Oh, I think it's pretty obvious from what you've posted before that the answer is definitely D.

                              Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                              So Question 2, boys and girls! What happened to the phone?
                              a) She slammed it down so hard the receiver cracked
                              b) She threw it onto the ground or wall
                              c) The force of the Kusanagi Smash was so great the sound was actually the entitlement whore going off like an atomic bomb, taking out everything in a five mile radius
                              d) God hates me
                              No matter how much we all (especially you) deserve this to be C, I'm going to have to go with D, again.

                              Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                              Question 3! What do you think was REALLY going on?
                              a) Husband has selective Alzheimer’s and really did cancel the sofa, and forgot all about it
                              b) Someone actually DID get ahold of all their information and was able to call us and cancel their sofa
                              c) They changed their minds and instead of being, you know, human, they decided to tear me a new one and save face as a way of getting what they want
                              d) God still hates me
                              Well, I am actually leaning towards another option entirely, which is the husband really didn't want the sofa, but didn't have the balls to face off with the wife over it and he thought he could go behind her and she would decide it was too much trouble and they would end up not getting it. However, that doesn't exclude my also going with D, again.

                              Quoth Kusanagi View Post
                              When Kusanagi finally goes off the deep end, how exactly should he go out in a blaze of glory?
                              a) Anything that turns 867 into a huge crater
                              b) Suicide bomb the waiting room of the local BBB where one files frivolous complaints
                              c) Death by snoo-snoo (any female volunteers wanna help me with that one?)
                              d) Hari-kiri with a table leg
                              Well.... if you really, really have to go out, don't go with D; it's just too boring. And B should be out (I like how you put the BBB option as B, btw), because there are trod-upon customer service people working there, too. Personally, I think A is the most intriguing choice, although if you do go with C, I am local.

                              ^-.-^
                              Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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