Stupid Tourist Customer Questions

[Cosmic Cat]

1). Northern tourist: Why is it so hot here?

Because it's Texas. Duh.

2). Japanese tourist: Where are cowboys and Indians?

Sorry, but you're a century too late for that.

3). British tourist: There are lots of churches here and that's scary. All you religious people are BACKWARDS!

GO. HOME.

4). Northerner: How can you eat catfish and black-eyed peas? That is SO GROSS!

Put in mouth. Chew. Swallow.

5). Northerner: I'd rather kill myself than have an accent like yours.

Words fail me.

6). Northerner: Omigod, you have cars!

No way! I rode to work on a horse, you know.

[moekosowl]

*Raises paw* Some of those clueless ones are from up here. I apologize, I thought I turned on the electric fence.

I think these are the same people that move into developments built next to farmland and then complain that it smells like a farm.

[auntiem]

Washington state (coast):

You have paved roads?
We put those in for tourists - most of us kayak to work.

I thought we came in the "dry" season.
Aside from a few short weeks in July - we have no "dry season" we have three other seasons - "warm drizzle" "cold downpour" and for two brief days - "frozen drizzle" for which we have no snowplows so don't complain to us that everything is shut down for two days.

Do you know [insert name of Grunge band]?
I have met a few back in the early bar band days - and thank-you soooo much for assuming I was that old.

And my personal favorite:
I thought you could see Alaska from here.
WTF have you never seen a map?

[Cosmic Cat]

Washington state (coast):

I thought we came in the "dry" season.
Aside from a few short weeks in July - we have no "dry season" we have three other seasons - "warm drizzle" "cold downpour" and for two brief days - "frozen drizzle" for which we have no snowplows so don't complain to us that everything is shut down for two days.

Ha ha ha! That reminds me of the tourists who ask about the snow here--we don't have any! We have:

Summer, 90-110 degrees F: late Feb/early March to late October/early November
Cloudy Grayness, 60 degrees F: November-February

And my personal favorite:
I thought you could see Alaska from here.
WTF have you never seen a map?

Now that is incredibly stupid. How do people that stupid stay alive?

[Gawdzillers]

Screw those ignorant Yankees.
But the smart ones are always welcome here.

[BlakeMP]

I know your pain. I'm from New Orleans.

"Oh. I thought you'd have more of an accent."
Yeah. Like those guys in the movies? Yeah, those movies are full of crap.

"What's it like to live in the swamp?"
I don't know, let's call someone from 1865 and ask them. We've got paved roads, shingled roofs and -- and I know this will come as a shock -- dentists.

"Where do the Cajuns live?"
Lafyette. Drive west. If you reach Texas you've gone too far.

[Gawdzillers]

Washington state (coast):



Do you know [insert name of Grunge band]?
I have met a few back in the early bar band days - and thank-you soooo much for assuming I was that old.

Ah, yes. I forgot that grunge came from Seattle.

[ArenaBoy]

Grunge is awesome by the way.

Michigan

"Do you know *insert Detroit musician here?*
Uh, no.

"Doesn't every Michigander own a boat?"
No, we don't.

"Is that a Great Lake?"
No, you (In head: NO you sorry excuse for a human)

The 3rd one floored me though, I have to admit.

[Hicksey]

I had a bunch of idiots from Michigan come over to Windsor on the July 4th weekend to go snowboarding and come into my store asking where the nearest ski resort was. They were dressed up in parkas with the a/c blasting and snowboards on the roof.

I gave them directions to Banff, AB and told them it shouldn't take them long to get there from Windsor, ON. In reality, its about a 2050 mile (3310km) trek.

[Giggle Goose]

Don't really know if this has to do with tourists, but it was still an ignorant comment. I live on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, but I'm originally from Annapolis (west side of Chesapeake Bay, for all you non east coasties) and my best friend goes to school in Washington, DC. Anyway, the Shore is really flat and only really known for the beaches and chicken farms. So when I came to DC to visit one weekend, she goes: "Wasn't it cool to drive on a road that wasn't DIRT for once?" Oh yeah, you know, because any area that's even slightly rural doesn't have the modern convenience of paved roads

[South Texan]

Cosmic Cat, I hear you.

7). Typical tourist: You mean the Alamo is just an OLD BUILDING and a museum?

What were you expecting? Rollercoasters, laser shows and a house of mirrors?
It's a shrine in memory of a significant battle in our state's history and where people died. It is not here for your amusement.

(Sorry. I work in downtown San Antonio near the Alamo and hear this all too often - even from other Texans visiting here.)

[Hicksey]

Don't really know if this has to do with tourists, but it was still an ignorant comment. I live on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, but I'm originally from Annapolis (west side of Chesapeake Bay, for all you non east coasties) and my best friend goes to school in Washington, DC. Anyway, the Shore is really flat and only really known for the beaches and chicken farms. So when I came to DC to visit one weekend, she goes: "Wasn't it cool to drive on a road that wasn't DIRT for once?" Oh yeah, you know, because any area that's even slightly rural doesn't have the modern convenience of paved roads

I am a truck driver now and I get that all the time. I went to a factory in Georgia one time and I get asked in August how much snow there was on the ground. It is amazing the ignorance people have of areas other than where they live.

[HawaiianShirts]

I should be doing homework, but I have to add to this one.

These all come from a summer I worked in Yellowstone National Park.

"Do you turn off Old Faithful at night?"
"Do you turn off the waterfalls at night?"
"Where is the control room for Old Faithful?"
"Where do you get all the water for the geysers?"
"Where do all the animals go in the winter?"

I overheard a conversation one day that blew my mind. Some elk were standing by the side of the road, so, of course, everyone stopped to take pictures. I had the windows down. The car in front of me (with Wisconsin plates) had its windows down as well.
Boy: What's that animal, Dad?
Dad: Uh... that's a moose, son.
Boy: How do you know?
Dad: You can tell by the felt on its antlers.

And the question that made my day, asked in all seriousness:
"When are they going to reintroduce the gorillas back into the park?"

[Jester]

Very long....and scarily, very true....

Oh, it’s Stupid Tourist Questions time again? Oh, goodie. Because here in Key West, where we get everyone from everywhere, and everyone is drinking…and drinking…and drinking….well, we seem to get not only the stupidest tourists, but the stupidest tourists who are sousing their brain cells with alcohol. Always a good combination. That being said, most of what follows, with one notable exception, were generally from seemingly sober people. Makes it that much scarier, huh?

Also, what follows is an example of what separates a tourist (someone on vacation from somewhere else) from a touron (a combination of a tourist and a moron).

“Does the water go all the way around the island?”

“Can I see Cuba from here?”
Cuba is 90 miles from here. Not that anyone would know that, of course, since there are only several thousand signs saying “90 Miles to Cuba.”

(pointing to small island a few hundred yards across the water from Mallory Square, a famous wharf we have here) “Is that Cuba?”
For the stupidity factor, see above.
On a related note, a friend of mine had a great comeback to that one. She looked them dead in the eye and said, “Yes. It’s much closer than it appears.”

Fairly intoxicated woman, standing on the sidewalk of Duval Street: “Where’s Duval Street?”
Jester, being his usual smartass self: “Darlin’, turn around.
It should be pointed out that not only drunk people have asked this question when they are actually ON Duval Street!

“Do you accept American money here?”
Key West is in Florida.

“How far is it to Florida?”
See above.

“How many times a day do you have the Sunset Celebration?”

“Does the sun set on the same side of the island every day?”

Throughout the Keys, there are mile markers, going sequentially down US1, just the same as on many highways, and many businesses in the Keys, though not in Key West, will use these to tell people where they are located. And yet people will constantly ask the following question:
“How far apart are the mile markers?”

“What do you do with all the boats in the winter?”

“What kind of fish can we catch under the island?”

“These streets are really narrow. How do snowplows get down them in the winter?”
Coldest recorded temperature in Key West: 41 degrees Fahrenheit.

Asked of my friend who used to work on a Glass Bottomed Boat:
“Where’s the glass bottom?”

“How long is the Seven Mile Bridge?”
One girl topped this. When we were telling her about some of these stupid tourist questions, and we got to this one, she said the now infamous words:
“Oh, I didn’t realize it was seven miles long. I thought it was seven miles high!

“Boy, let me ask you a question. The waters around here…are they pretty well stocked with fish, or are they about fished out?”
What I was thinking, but did not say, being at work and all: “Oh, you mean the ATLANTIC OCEAN and the GULF OF MEXICO, two of the largest bodies of water IN THE WORLD? Yeah, I would say they are pretty well stocked with fish. Most of them probably smarter than you, it would seem!”

“Can we walk and drink?”
Key West, much like Savannah and New Orleans, allows you to walk around downtown with your adult beverage in a plastic cup. But the ridiculousness of the phrasing of the above question caused us much laughter. Just for those who have read this far, yes, it was asked by the same girl who thought the Seven Mile Bridge was seven miles high..

Fair question if you meet me out and about, but utterly stupid question that I get constantly when I am at WORK:
“So, do you live here?”
No, nitwit, I commute from Phoenix every day. It’s only 2600 miles!

“When you have all those thousands of people here for those big festivals, and they are all on Duval Street, doesn’t that make the island tip over?”
No, I am not making any of these questions up. These have all been asked of me or one of my friends at some point. Many of them multiple times of multiple people.

“Is there a gift shop on the reef?”

“Can we drive our scooters out to the reef?”

TOURIST: “How long have you been here?”
JESTER: “I came here for a month, it’s been seven years.”
TOURIST: “So, you like it?”
You would be amazed how often I get this one. Sometimes more than once a day. Seriously.

Asked while standing in front of Margaritaville, which has a sign that clearly reads “Jimmy Buffett’s Margaritaville”:
“So, does Jimmy Buffett REALLY own this place?”
No, they blatantly use his name without permission.

Also often asked by people standing right in front of aforementioned Margaritaville:
“Where’s Margaritaville?”

The following is an actual conversation. I could not make it up if I tried. Several jesterish brain cells took their own lives immediately after this exchange rather than trying to reconcile the utter stupidity of this person with any form of higher plan:
TOURIST: “How long are the bridges that connect the Keys?”
JESTER: “Which ones?”
TOURIST: “All of them?”
JESTER: “Well, it varies, of course. Some are only a few hundred feet long, like the last one on to Key West, others are much longer, like the very famous Seven Mile Bridge.”
TOURIST: “Yes, but how long are all of them?”
JESTER: “Excuse me?”
TOURIST: “How long are all the bridges that connect the Keys?”
JESTER: Sir, there are 41 bridges that connect the Keys to each other and the mainland. I do not know how long each one is, nor how long they are all together. As I said, it varies.”
TOURIST: “How come you don’t know this?”
JESTER: [speechless due to the aforementioned hari kari of multiple families of brain cells]
TOURIST: [walks away in disgust at Jester’s obvious lack of intelligence.]
I have lived in Key West for seven years, and have learned much about this place. But I have to tell you, I know people whose families have been here for seven generations, and they would not have been able to answer this idiotic question. Unless you are a mapmaker or a transportation planner or some other job where such information would be something you would know, why WOULD you know this? And yet this tourist expected me to know….well…not sure what he expected me to know. Never did get that far. Utterly amazing.

“Where does everyone live around here?”
Um, in apartments and houses, like everywhere else. Yes, we have many that live on boats, but still…you actually think we bus staff in from Miami? Don’t laugh…many people DO think we are bussed in from Miami. Daily. Over 150 miles of slowgoing road. Yes, that is another question I have been asked. Repeatedly. Working in a tourist town will make you weep for the future of the species.

“Why do they call the cats at Hemingway’s House six-toed cats?”
Maybe because they have six toes on their feet, rather than the normal five?

“Where can we get some marijuana/cocaine/illegal party favors?”
Okay, you’re in a strange town where you know no one. Why would you ask someone you don’t know this question, and why would you then expect them to give you accurate information on this, not knowing who YOU are?

“Do you know Jimmy Buffett?”
Yes, everyone in the Keys, all however many tens of thousands of us, are all close, personal friends of Mr. Buffett. I had him over for a lovely brunch just the other day. He said to say hi if I saw you.

“Why is it raining?”
“How come it isn’t sunny?”
This is the tropics. Which means gorgeous whether a lot of the time. And a lot of rain a lot of the time. Ever hear of tropical storms? They start in the tropics. Do the math.

“When will the rain stop?”
“When will the sun come out?”
See above. Also ask yourself why you are asking the person serving you your burgers and beers for an expert meteorological opinion on an area notorious for unpredictable weather.

“There’s a hurricane coming? This is going to ruin our vacation! Why does it have to come now?”
This is what you get for being a cheapass and booking your vacation in the middle of what we locals mysteriously call “hurricane season.” There’s a reason your rooms were so cheap, genius.

[KuzcoLlama]

You'd think California is safe...

It is not.

"You don't all surf?"
I only tend to surf if I wish to drown. It will be a one-time only experience.

"I thought you all had guns."
I....what?

"There are a ton of mexicans around here!"
You're cured of your blindness! It is a miracle!

"You have a strange accent."
And I've come full circle.

"You're so tan! What do you do?" (less CA, but amusing all the same)
Got birthed by Mexican parents.

(When arriving, and this is my personal favourite)
"[insert question or statement referencing the tv show The O.C.]"
There is no response, only a boot to the head. It usually does the trick.