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Thanks for the Emails

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  • Thanks for the Emails

    Dear All...

    My thanks to all those who have sent me emails this past year........

    I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat crap in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing. Also, I now have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

    I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown); who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

    I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.
    Or from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants to split $7 million with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a customer who died intestate.

    I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

    I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

    Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward e-mails to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

    Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

    I no longer can buy gas without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling up.

    I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

    I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore and Uzbekistan.

    Thanks to you, I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my bum.

    And thanks to your great advice, I can't even pick up the $5.00 I found under the car as there is probably a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

    If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.

    I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's gay beautician.

    And, by the way....a South American scientist, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with low IQ who have infrequent sexual activity always read their e-mails with their hand on the mouse. Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

    All the best and Merry Christmas!!!!!
    My basic dog food advice - send a pm if you need more.

    Saydrah's leaving the nest advice + packing list live here.

  • #2


    that's great!

    Thankfully, it is past 5 pm so I don't have to worry about that dove...
    I don't go in for ancient wisdom
    I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
    It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

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    • #3
      Quoth Saydrah View Post

      If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 7 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 pm this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump.



      All the best and Merry Christmas!!!!!
      coincidently 144,000 is also the number of people Jehovah's Witnesses believe will make it into heaven... this is in no way related to the discussion but I thought it was interesting.
      If you wish to find meaning, listen to the music not the song

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      • #4
        Quoth smileyeagle1021 View Post
        coincidently 144,000 is also the number of people Jehovah's Witnesses believe will make it into heaven... this is in no way related to the discussion but I thought it was interesting.
        Really??? kinda makes you wonder why they come around looking for new members as every person they convert would lessen their chances of getting in.
        Be Nicer To Retail Workers 2K18, also known as: stop being an incredibly shitty human to people just doing their job.

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        • #5
          Ummm....if you know a post is irrelevant to the discussion, why would you introduce something so potentially controversial into a frivolous little joke thread?

          Let's move on people. No more discussion of Jehovah's Witnesses and their beliefs in this thread.
          Too tired of living and too tired to end it. What a conundrum.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Saydrah View Post
            Dear All...
            I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

            Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
            Are the toilet stains caused by the sweating?

            Oh and at my old job we used glue sticks to seal envelopes, you could do more than one at once and no sealer taste.
            How was I supposed to know someone was slipping you Birth Control in the food I've been making for you lately?

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            • #7
              I may have a low IQ, but at least I get frequent sex!
              ...how do used tampons attract thieves? ---Sleepwalker

              Chickens are Asexual!

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