Internal Explosions

[Gaki]

My vacation is so close I can smell it. It's in the AIR.

Me: Your change is eight dollars.
SC: I'd like eight hundred.
Me: I'm fairly certain we don't just keep that lying around.
SC: I didn't say eight hundred DOLLARS.
Me: Eight hundred pieces of poop then. I could probably wrangle that right up for ya.
SC: Uhm...pieces of copper?
Me: *picks up the donation thing which probably weighs around 15lbs and mainly pennies* Do you think you could catch it? Cause I'll throw it.


SC: My card doesn't have points on it. *goes on huge tirade about people on welfare and the system ripping people off.*

Ten minutes later.

SC: It still has points on it, I just got confused.


SC: I want to speak to a manager.
CW: We have a shift overseer.
SC: Good. Call him over.
CW: Uhm...I'll call...her.

Me: How can I help you.
SC: *appears inordinately shocked* You're......You're just a TINY KID!
Me: *internally explodes*


Woman: Are you open?
Me: Yes.
Woman: Are you going to take this other lady?
Me: She's getting lottery. I don't do lottery.
Woman: Oh...uhm. That's interesting.
Me: We try to NOT stand around being useless.


Me: *hands an SC 30 dollars in ones and 50 dollars in fives* We usually don't break 100s.
SC: [other company] is the same. I don't know how you guys do business.
Me: People don't usually bring them in and expect us to have eighty dollars since we could be robbed.
SC: Please, the company has insurance.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Uhhhh no. If I had bigger bills in my drawer to break this I could be FIRED. Insurance or not.
SC: .......*walks out.*


I was off the clock for this one:

SC: Do you just stand around and talk? Is that all you do?
Me: Yep. Even when I'm working obviously. Not that you'd know since you don't come in on my shift anymore.
SC: *slinks out*

He doesn't come in anymore because I sassed him so bad one time I think I embarrassed him.


CW: Do you have a [company] rewards card?
SC: TWO PACKS OF SALEMS.
CW: *without moving* Do you have a [company] rewards card?
SC: Uhhhh...no.
Me: *right in front of him* Sometimes I'd like to just shank people.


Snippets from my mouth:

Me: You have no idea the lengths I have to go to get men to stop talking to me. Telling them I'm into serial killers is better than the lesbian argument any day. Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

Me: I should just write it on the invoice. "I've seen your penis. All of the store has..." Girls don't ask for those pictures.

Me: We should get one of those stress man things with the popping eyes so we can hit it with a hammer on the counter in front of annoying people.

Me: The shit I find while sweeping the parking lot. *decorates hat with velcro body parts from a fabric Mr. Potato Head*

[KhirasHY]

Me: You have no idea the lengths I have to go to get men to stop talking to me. Telling them I'm into serial killers is better than the lesbian argument any day. Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

My other favorite that I would hear guys say to my lesbian friends was the ever-present "what a waste" snippet. I could never do anything but facepalm when someone managed to use that one in public, an action that accompanied me wondering how they still had all their organs attached.

Kinda like how guys like me always get the "how do you know, if you've never slept with a woman!?" version. They never seem to want to reverse the situation though..."how do YOU know, if you've never slept with me, big boy?"

[Eevie]

They never seem to want to reverse the situation though..."how do YOU know, if you've never slept with me, big boy?"

Would I kill to see the look on their face when you say that!

[wolfie]

You have no idea the lengths I have to go to get men to stop talking to me. Telling them I'm into serial killers is better than the lesbian argument any day. Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

Or you could tell them that the reason you're into chicks is that you've encountered guys with his attitude too many times.

[cashierbex]

I tell them I have seen penis' and never had a desire to do anything with it.

[Argabarga]

One of my towing customers was your typical overly cocky 18 year old college frat boy who straight up asked me "So, when was the last time you got laid?"

I didn't answer

I should have said "Thanks, but you're not my type"

[MoonCat]

Gaki:

SC: My card doesn't have points on it. *goes on huge tirade about people on welfare and the system ripping people off.*

How are those two things even related??

Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

That's when you bring out the magnifying glass.

Argabarga:

One of my towing customers was your typical overly cocky 18 year old college frat boy who straight up asked me "So, when was the last time you got laid?"

Should've looked at your watch and said "What time is it?"

[ComputerNecromancer]

Me: You have no idea the lengths I have to go to get men to stop talking to me. Telling them I'm into serial killers is better than the lesbian argument any day. Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

A friend's response often works well: "Sorry, I make a point of never dating outside my species."

[Gaki]

Gaki:
How are those two things even related??

Apparently the "system" is punishing hard working 'mericans like himself while giving out welfare to people who don't bother to work and just lay in the park all day and this is just another example of "the man" oppressing him and ripping him off. He's a "hard working man" and they can't do this to him, he's not on welfare, blah blah blah. "Rant rant rant, I'm racist but I can't get any closer to saying the 'n word' than 'people on welfare' because being racist is socially taboo."

[MoonCat]

Apparently the "system" is punishing hard working 'mericans like himself while giving out welfare to people who don't bother to work and just lay in the park all day and this is just another example of "the man" oppressing him and ripping him off. He's a "hard working man" and they can't do this to him, he's not on welfare, blah blah blah. "Rant rant rant, I'm racist but I can't get any closer to saying the 'n word' than 'people on welfare' because being racist is socially taboo."

Another idiot. I wonder if he's aware that many white people are on welfare, too? I guess not.

[Cia]

Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

"I have and I wasn't impressed. Now leave before I grab a magnifying glass and make believe you're an ant."

[XCashier]

Me: Your change is eight dollars.
SC: I'd like eight hundred.
Me: I'm fairly certain we don't just keep that lying around.
SC: I didn't say eight hundred DOLLARS.
Me: Eight hundred pieces of poop then. I could probably wrangle that right up for ya.
SC: Uhm...pieces of copper?

Dude, your joke fell flat. Let it go already.

Me: *hands an SC 30 dollars in ones and 50 dollars in fives* We usually don't break 100s.
SC: [other company] is the same. I don't know how you guys do business.

Simple, we're a convenience store, not a bank.

Me: You have no idea the lengths I have to go to get men to stop talking to me. Telling them I'm into serial killers is better than the lesbian argument any day. Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

Nothing gets through to some guys. They'll hit on you even if you're wearing an obvious wedding ring. A whack on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper is the next step.

[PepperElf]

Whenever I tell them I'm into chicks they just motion to their crotch and tell me it's because I haven't had THIS yet.

I don't remember much from the movie Tank Girl but... I do think one of the lines I do recall might work well here...

Tank Girl: I'm gonna need a microscope and tweezers.

[DGoddessChardonnay]

I don't remember much from the movie Tank Girl but... I do think one of the lines I do recall might work well here...

Tank Girl: I'm gonna need a microscope and tweezers.

Even better would be to have a chainsaw when faced with a bunch of teenage male ROTC cadets acting juvenile making a pathetic attempt at "saluting" a female officer and saying "Line up boys! Who's first for circumscision?" while cranking the thing up.

Needless to say, when my imagination runs away there's no telling where I'll find it later.