CS Christmas Songbook

[BroSCFischer]

I thought it might be interesting to test all your creative energies. So, since it is that time of year again, I think it would be neat for those of you who can to create a parody of a popular Christmas song (ie: tell what truly happens at the holidays.) The rule is you must do at least two verses and the chorus or if the song is short (ie: I'll be Home for Christmas or White Christmas) it must be the whole song.

To start, here is my version of the Carol of the Bells

Carol of the Crowds

Hark! How the crowds
Are so damn loud
All seem to need
Some therapy
Christmas is here
Where’s the good cheer
Young and old pout
When we’re sold out

Bing, Bang, Bong, Boom
All ‘round the room
Cart crashes ring
Messing up things
One never hears
Words of good cheer
Screams from pulled hair
Filling the air

Oh how they pound
Trash to the ground
O’er hill and dale
For a damn sale
Daily they fling
Most ev’rything
Reason be damned
This season we’re slammed
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas
Merry, merry, merry, merry Christmas

On, on they wend
Lines without end
Their angry tone
‘fore they go home

Thank God their gone

Enjoy,

SC

[fireheart]

I get the feeling that Jester should be cracking his knuckles in here.....

Nevertheless, I shall quote him anyway

For the twelve days of Christmas, Kusanagi's store gave to him....

Twelve straight days of working,
Eleven obnoxious children,
Ten twits who can't plan,
Nine delivery no-shows,
Eight self-important assholes,
Seven busted tables,
Six verbal smackdowns,
Five cheeeaaapppp aaaaaaaaasssssss shiiiiiiiiits.....
Four difficult bastards,
Three foul-mouthed dickheads,
Two insurance claims,
And one boss that's always out of toooooownnnn....."

By the way, that's from an old thread....



And my own shot at it....:
Jingle Bells: The Ham Escapade

Dashing through the store,
looking all around,
throwing all the hams....
right onto the ground.....
bitching at the clerk,
"Don't you have some more?"
"Oh sorry we've all run right out but I can call another store!"

Oh,
Christmastime, Christmastime,
Oh how I loathe thee,
2 months of, all of this,
And no help for poor me,
Oh
Christmastime, Christmastime,
Please be over soon,
So I can go and raid the booze
And forget all about you!

[BroSCFischer]

It’s the Most Horrible Time of the Year
(It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year)

It’s the most horrible time of the year
With all the kids yelling
No parents are telling ‘em
“Behave while you’re here”
It’s the most horrible time of the year

It’s the crap-crappiest season of all
When adults keep shoving
For Elmo’s sweet loving
‘Cause it’s the last in the mall
It’s the crap-crappiest season of all

There’ll be riots and crying
Managers in hiding
Screaming kids that won’t let go
There’ll be scary snow warnings
And tales of the gorings
Of Christmases long, long ago

It’s the most horrible time of the year
The crowds will be crushing
And blood will be gushing
To be first in here
It’s the most horrible time of the year

There’ll be riots and crying
Managers in hiding
Screaming kids that won’t let go
There’ll be scary snow warnings
And tales of the gorings
Of Christmases long, long ago

It’s the most horrible time of the year
The crowds will be crushing
And blood will be gushing
To be first in here
It’s the most horrible time of the year
It’s the most horrible time
It’s the most horrible time
It’s the most horrible time of the year

I’ll Be Stoned for Christmas **This referring to literally throwing stones
(I'll Be Home for Christmas)

I’ll be stoned for Christmas
You just wait and see
When the crowds find we’re sold out
Of what they think they need
Angry mobs will find me
And leave me in the street
I’ll be stoned for Christmas
Someone please help me

SC

PS: Just because a song has already been parodied, there's no reason that it can't be done a different way.

[Jester]

I get the feeling that Jester should be cracking his knuckles in here.....

I was hoping someone had that laying around. But I could have sworn I did a version from my own bar. Perhaps someone more industrious as myself (i.e., less freakin' lazy) can find that one.

That being said, I shall try my hand once again at the bartender's version of Twelve Days of Christmas.

Later.

Right now, however, with our annual insanity known as Fantasy Fest just completed, I thought I'd give you a taste of that with the same song. Now, technically there are only about ten days of Fantasy Fest, but with as much alcohol as is consumed, I doubt anyone would notice the slight scheduling change.

With that said, I now present to you the world premiere of The Twelve Days of Christmas Fantasy Fest.

And I'm already running into a problem. The numbers in the song don't lend themselves all that well to a festival that causes the island's population to literally quintuple for several days of pure partying. So I'm going to have to improvise just a bit more than normal. Please give me a little leeway on this one....

For the twelve days of Fantasy Fest, the tourists gave to me....

"Twelve longer shifts of working,
Eleven varied theme parties,
Ten thousand overflowing trash cans,*
Nine hundred laws a-broken,
Eighty thousand drunken tourists,
Seventy-year-olds in g-strings,
Six hundred thousand plastic beads,
Fiiiiiivvvveeeeee mmmiiiiilllllliiiioooonnnn dddrrriiiiiiiiiinnnnkkkssss.....
Four different costumes for me,**
Three impressive hangovers,
Too many body paintings to count ,
And one impressive weekend that's completely off the hook...."



*(To Key West's credit, this city has the most amazing cleanup crew I've ever seen. Literally the next day, after EACH ridiculous day, be it Fantasy Fest, Conch Republic Independence Days, New Year's Eve, or whatever, the very next MORNING, the downtown streets look immaculate. These guys are GOOD.)

**(It was a light year for me. My record was 10 costumes in 8 days, probably back in '06.)

[BroSCFischer]

Credit Card Folly
(Deck the Halls)

Fill the shelves with toys for Christmas
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
We’ll be sold out by end of business
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La

Do you choose to pay with plastic?
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
Things are now becoming drastic
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La

See, your card’s over the limit
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
Now I’m being told to snip it.
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La

Surely you don’t think I’m joking
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
Please let go I think I’m choking
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La

Quickly the police are called
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
To the jail you will be hauled
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La

We got the whole thing on camera
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La
You’ll spend Christmas in the slammer
Fa-La-La-La-La-La-La-La-La


SC

[Kristev]

Tis the season for bankruptcy.

Deck the halls with stuff that's all free.
fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Tis the season for bankruptcy,
fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Don yourself in discount clothing
fa la la la la, fa la la.
And give yourself lots of loathing
fa la la la la, fa la la la.
That's the way your budget crashes,
fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Next Christmas, self-control and strictly cash.
Fa la la la la, fa la la la.
Have a chat with yourself about overspending.
Fa la la, fa la la, fa la la.
Debt through credit cards and presents.
Fa la la la, fa la la la.
Next time, you should remember, please.
fa la la la la, fa la la la,
your kids will still love you if they don't get a Wii.
fa la la la la, fa la la la.

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Not based off a Christmas Song, but still appropriate.

A tweaking of the song "Black Friday," as originally done by Steely Dan.

When Black Friday Comes
I'll stand right by the door
And try not to get trampled
As the shoppers ransack the store

When Black Friday comes
our numbers, they're no longer red
The people spend lots of money when they
should be home in bed

When Black Friday comes, it's such a sight to see
Just keep 'em away from me

When Black Friday comes
I'll need all the Tylenol I took
'Cuz I'll be sore and cross and angry
and giving intense mental therapy a look

No one buys soap or TP
They don't buy no socks or shoes
They're fighting over toys, iPods and games
And probably over booze

When Black Friday comes, you know it's such a thrill
I'm drawing up my last will

When Black Friday comes
I swear people, they sell their souls
For Tickle Me Elmo
Or Barbie My First Stripper Poles
When the customers all pass by me
I need a friendly co-worker to hide me
But if I cannot move quite fast enough
I guess they'll put me in a hole

When Black Friday comes
it's greed as far as I can see
What bad economy?

[fireheart]

<snip>

Barbie My First Stripper Poles

Thank you IPF, I just now snorted Pub Squash out of my nose!

[protege]

A tweaking of the song "Black Friday," as originally done by Steely Dan.

Hehe I was wondering if someone would cover that tune! Other retail-oriented "Dan" tunes are The Last Mall and Everything Must Go. I suppose you could say that their tune Dirty Work could apply as well.

[Jester]

What other non-Christmas songs could be applied to this thread to make them anti-SC type jingles? Hmmmm....

Take this job and shove it I ain't workin' here no more
My paycheck's too small and it was all the reason I was working for
Ya, don't let the customers get in my way
Cause I'm walkin', out the door
Take this job and shove it I'm done dealing with those whores.

Well, I been working in this retail store for way too many years
All that time, the entitlement whores drove me to drinking whiskey and beer
And I've seen a lot of bad folks buying crap they could never afford
Management skunks let them buy on credit because the almighty dollar is their Lord.

Take this job and shove it I ain't workin' for you twits
I have things you'll never understand, like morals, ethics, and wits
Ya, don't you spineless managers get in my way.
Cause I'm walkin', out of here
Take this job and shove it you ain't never seeing me back here.

The manager, he's a sexist dog, the big boss, he's a fool
Got a brand new German sports car Lord, he thinks he's cool
One of these days I'm gonna rip him one and that sucker, he's gonna pay
I can't wait to see their faces when I get the nerve to say...

Take this job and shove it I ain't takin' any more crap
The money's too low for me to deal with the shit coming out of your yap
Ya, don't let anyone get in my way
Cause I'm walkin', out for good
Take this job and shove it, I'm finally doing what I should

Take this job and shove it



The great thing about a song like that is that it doesn't need much changing for the parody!

[Marmalady]

To be sung to the tune of 'Sleigh Ride':

Just hear those tills a ring-a-ding, ring-ting-a-ling-a-ling, do,
It's time for Christmas shopping with swearing to turn the air blue,
Outside there's tempers warming and SC's forming a queue,
All of the aisles are blocked in and someone's got locked in the loo.

Dearie me, dearie me, dearie me, oh no!
They've run out of dough!
To the ATM they'll have to go!
Dearie me, dearie me, dearie me, what fun!
Just look at them run!
But they're up to their limit today, and there's nothing that can be done!

Our seats are hard and lumpy, and grouchy and grumpy are we,
SCs are moaning and mumbling and grumbling continuously,
Small kids are screaming and storming and roaming and swarming around,
I keep on hitting the Tannoy but the manager cannot be found....

When the line for Christmas Barbie stretches round the block,
And they say you've ruined Christmas 'cause you're out of stock,
And they want to return something they bought at quite a different shop,
Say they can't have a refund and watch their eyeballs pop!
(pop! pop! pop!)
When you've been on tills for five hours of this pain and grief,
And you can't go on your break because there's no relief,
And the noise level has increased to where you can't hear yourself think!-
These wonderful things are the things that have driven us all to drink

I'm feeling down, defeated and oh-so-treated like sh*t,
All of our carts are missing and SCs are hissing a fit,
But now my shift has ended and I can get off my till,
Go home and try to recover from the stress of the time of 'goodwill'.....

[BroSCFischer]

Shoppin'
(Walkin' in a Winter Wonderland)

Watch your step
Are you listenin’
In the lane
Floors are glistenin’
A slippery sight
He’ll fall out of spite
Shoppin’ with a Bitter Old Man

Go away, you old pervert
I’m here to work, not to flirt
Don’t make a cheap pass
Quit pinchin’ my ass
Shoppin’ with a Dirty Old Man

I wish I could go and build a snowman
And pretend that he’s a pervert or a grouch
We’ll have lots of fun with mister snowman
Beatin’ on him till he screams OUCH

Hey, great jobs to fireheart, Marmalady, and Jester.

And, yes, I know I have too much time on my hands.

SC

[XCashier]

(to the tune of Do You Hear What I Hear)

Said the CEO to the District Man.
Do you see what I see
Read the profit sheets, District Man.
Do you see what I see
It's November
Time to start the show
By the New Year, I'll be in the dough,
Sorry, we will be in the dough

Said the District Man. to the Manager
Do you hear what I hear
Take a listen now, Manager
Do you hear what I hear
The crowds are here
Flocking to the store
Let us sell them all they want and more
Let them beat a path to our door

Said the Manager to the employee
Do you know what I know
You're the cannon fodder, employee
Do you know what I know
It's Black Friday
Go unload the truck
And I'd wish you lots and lots of luck
But I really don't give a f***

Said the worker to the people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Hold your horses, people everywhere
Listen to what I say
Oh please calm down
We've got what you came for
Just please don't trash our store
I don't want to be mopping up gore