Something snapped inside

[Cookie]

Guys, I'm about to cry now. Thank you, thank you. I just don't know what else to say. I'm in a lot of turmoil right now, but I do feel like you guys care.

Peds, you put me in a simultaneous giggle/cry mode. How the hell?

[Der Cute]

Please do remember that when you're at that level of dark, it takes a FUCKING LONG TIME to get back out and at the functional level. And besides that, it takes professional help to get to be stabilized and functional.
You're on your way up. How will you stay up? That is up to you.

[firecat88]

Peds, you put me in a simultaneous giggle/cry mode. How the hell?

It's Peds. He's talented like that. Now, then, *squeezyhugs you mercilessly*

[dragon_wings]

Please, don't go. I'm not above begging, either. Judt... don't go. please.

I'm with Peds. Please don't leave us.

[RootedPhoenix]

*clings to Cookie* Stay heereee.

I'm in the same boat. CS loves you and me and we can't go. We just can't.

[MoonCat]

When you can sit there and rationalize dying that way....that's when it's NOT rational. And if one counselor doesn't work, try another. Please. Look in the phone book for a crisis services hotline. You can talk to people who will not judge you. There is nothing you can say that they have not heard before. They understand, and they care.

Don't underestimate the amount of pain you will cause those who care about you.

[lupo pazzesco]

Cookie,

Everyone has said what I wanted to say, and I'm over here kicking myself because while you were posting this, I was stuck working my lastest shift ever in Textbook Hell.

Please don't go. Please.

I've lost way too many down that route. We may, in real life, be faceless strangers, but you're one of the people I count as close on the interwebverse. I go through the day, see something and think "I need to take a pic, Cookie will appreciate that!" Or, "geez, wait'll Cookie sees this recipe/tea/random blurb about how I've injured myself, etc etc etc"

I don't have the eloquence, or any of the right words for what I want to say, but like Pedersen, I'm not above begging. Please. Please don't go.

you're always in my thoughts in some way, in the back of my mind because you're a wonderful person, whom I love talking to on a regular basis because we're so similar in a lot of ways. I'm gonna keep you closer to the forefront and flood you with so much positive energy, good thoughts, happy feelings and joy, you're going to burp sparkles randomly, just see if you don't.

*MEGAHUGS*

Stick around, we're gonna see/do a lot of fun things in this life, just wait.

[XCashier]

I'm in the same boat.

As am I. I'm sure many of us are. That's why a community like this is a good thing, we can talk about things to each other, get it out of our systems, and know we have a support network.

Cookie, I'm praying for you. I understand what you're going through, I've been through those deep dark times, more than a few times. It will pass; they always do. And we're all rooting for you.

[Seraph]

Praying for you as well, Cookie. <biiiig hugs> Stay with us, hun. We all hold you very dear, and don't ever stop thinking that for a second.

[Eireann]

Cookie, last winter I was so close to suicide that I was holding a knife against the side of my neck. Yet I'm still here. Counseling didn't work well with me, either, until I found the right person. The sad thing is, not all people in the profession are good people to work with; thus some patients give up, thinking that all counselors/therapists are the same. They're not; just find one who clicks with you, and you're on your way.

[Der Cute]

Cookie:
I'll say it again. I've felt that calm, flat, just-about-ready-to-go feeling. At the last minute I didn't want to go. I chickened out, plain and simple. The next day was the day I really got going on working on the depression.

But we can't fix you, honey. You have to fix yourself. You're already reaching out for us to help you, which means you're not dead yet. You're asking for help to NOT die.
And yes, it's legwork and sucky legwork at that to find a counselor. it takes at least 3 visits to see if you're compatible and trustworthy. And then you find out...no...and bang your head..and keep going.
(It took me almost 2 months to find a counselor that worked with my specific depression issue. And it got worse when I was trying to find one..slippery handles)
Could you call the 211 number in your city, and ask for sliding scale, low income, counselors? You might also have to go to a place where there are many counselors (think university, possibly the mental illness clinics around?) and start from there.

I can totally relate. You come back from feeling flat. You're mostly flat. You realize that you don't like being so flat. So you decide to push for help..and you feel so desperate and sad, frustrated, disappointed..starting to go flat again...just to find the help you're looking so hard for. (flat is a word/description for social affect. Monotone, no facial expression, monosyllable responses...I call it being a turtle). You're crying internally, you feel like..inside your chest your soul is bawling.

Cookie. When I was that way, I had no help. My family sucked rotten eggs. I had a family friend who was at least 200mi away, and couldn't go there to help myself. I had to do ALL of this shit on my own, barely making step by step..my feet felt so heavy. You have us. You have phone people to call. Do you have a friend somewhere you can hang with or spend the night with? There have been some really fucked up days recently where I asked a friend to come over and just crash, so I didn't go too nuts.

People tell you to get a hobby, get a pet, do this, get that...but when you're this dark, you don't see /have the energy to do it. I will say the pet one, because having a kitty for me..she always listened to me and loved on me when I needed it the most. Then she asked for food..lol.

Can you make Monday's mission to get to a mental clinic and start asking for low income or sliding scale counseling? Specify that you're super depressed and have suicidal ideations. Specify that you're pretty damn close to doing it.
One mission per day was my motto. I knew there were so many goddamn things to do and that overwhelmed me. So I said, Fuckit, Yalls can wait. I picked a mission for the next day, and focused on that.
Also, a technique I use when I'm getting spazzy and overwhelmed is STOP WEEK/ STOP DAY/STOP MONTH. This is more for anxiety, but you could try it. I'm feeling squirrely. Ok. I can identify that. If I look to next month the tasks multiply and start looking like a massive rat colony. There's where I tell myself: STOP RIGHT THERE. "I have these things to get done this month. I will not look past the last day of this month. Agree, self? Ok." Then, catch yourself if you start going past your STOP DAY. As you gain confidence and feel..lighter? stretch it a bit. "Self, we stopped at the end of the month. We did good. Self, would you think a 6 week stretch would work? Push it for 2 months? Ok, let's give it a go, self. Agree? Ok." Same concept - past that STOP DAY, you tell yourself - "Hey. Remember our deal. Got it?"

But right now, today, tomorrow..Make a deal with yourself for a single mission. And when you get it, or even part of it done, give yourself a high five. This week is a day by day. (Stop day concept). Or if that's too much, go hour by hour.

Oops. I did the "go do that" thing. Sorry. Take this from a person who's been there, done that, and had to use these techniques to get back out from the dark. If you'd like, I have a chart to track moods and feelings. Day by day chart, and it might help you find patterns. Plus, doctors/treatment people like to know data. Let me know by PM if you want it.

Hugs, more hugs, and understanding from a person who's got mostly out of the ditch.

[Bright_Star]

No matter how desperate things get, sucide is NEVER the answer. There are ALWAYS solutions to any problem. The trick of it is asking for help when you need it. We're here for you. ALL of us!!!

[BookstoreEscapee]

Peds, you put me in a simultaneous giggle/cry mode. How the hell?

He's good at that, isn't he?

Here's a few things from me..

[Pedersen]

Peds, you put me in a simultaneous giggle/cry mode. How the hell?

I choose to take that as a good thing. We want you to stay. We'll help if we can. I'm not so good at the "giving advice" thing, so I'll go for the "listening" and "being a friendly ear" and the "just a silly doofus" thing. Those I can do well.

And, if that doesn't work, I'll come to your town, find your car, and turn it into a glittermobile. One way or another

[RootedPhoenix]

And, if that doesn't work, I'll come to your town, find your car, and turn it into a glittermobile. One way or another

I'll help buy the glitter.