lovely realizations

[Midnight12]

that cause me to turn to sarcasm or humor to defend myself

basically...trying to get my crafts prepared for a convention in april if i start a slow process now i'll be ready by then

so as i am preparing images in photoshop for my crafts to print out....its a repetitive process -ugh - a realization of this pops up

i am suicidal again because my medicine is failing so i have episodes and freak outs. i have these BECAUSE my medicine isn't working (currently on a new med again. yay fun fun adjustment time. NOT) so the episodes are not happening. for now

that was yesterday or a week ago i forget time feels different for me now but i am aware of time passing but remembering when things happened not so much

the second realization comes today:

my medicine isn't failing me so much as i don't have the one person who was like medicine for me but also a friend, hell this person was medicine for everyone here....and i need to get to a counselor soon as the grief is STILL there...jebus....

and the third realization as i am typing this, i let the grief eat me alive and knew this...and didn't care....as long as my family wasn't so much affected by it...but they were....through my issues they were


so what do i do now between now and my counselors appointment NEXT FARKING WEEK...yes i am impatient to get better

[Andara Bledin]

Have you considered finding an online support group for this?

I know the task can be daunting, but if you give yourself a schedule to follow in the search, it could help provide structure and the result if you find one could be extremely beneficial for more than just the near-term.

^-.-^

[AnaKhouri]

As I recently had to tell my husband, no matter how well you think you're hiding it, your depression/anxiety WILL affect the people around you. There's no way around it. Good for you for seeking treatment.

I've never been through this myself, so I can't give much advice, but we're all proud of you for trying to help yourself get out of this quicksand.

[Akasa]

You recognize there is a problem, you know you need to get help, you are taking steps to get help, it's only a week till the appointment. I know it seems like a long time, but if you let yourself get busy with getting ready for the convention time will fly.

[Midnight12]

thank you. the worst part is that i avoid all the places online and in life that this person went to. sadly sometimes it is this place.

the online group would be nice. its difficult, i want to be on the computer, i don't want anything to do with it, i cling to it, i hate it....man. love hate relationship or what?

i didn't meant to hide it, well yes i did, its what i knew to do even knowing its a bad idea to hide it. i kept telling myself hiding it will keep from hurting others. wroooong


thank you all for your words and help it really is appreciated and i wish i could better express it than just typing/saying it. dammit why aren't we psychic so you can feel the loves and emotions! rrrr (lol)

[Midnight12]

new realizations. i want to sew just to poke the hell out of my fingers. i don't want that pain but i want to hurt myself. huh

so instead i listen to linkin park and do my crafts....in my comfy chair....
hoping nothing needs repair sewing...sheesh

[Akasa]

/hugs
We're here for you.

[Midnight12]

lets pick up the pieces, AGAIN!, NO AGAIN!

well i was back on track and putting all the pieces back together so to speak.
got a call this morning that my grandmother passed away in her sleep.

the grandmother that taught me how to cook, taught me the first steps in how to stay sane, the grandmother that nagged me about my weight but only because she cared and so on....

that whole masterpiece of puzzle pieces youy(me) JUST finished? yeah now it fell apart because there is no glue, DO IT AGAIN! NO I SAID AGAIN!

buries herself into her work and tries not to get things wet while crying

[Akasa]

/hugs
I'm sorry for your loss. Take a break when you need to and cry yourself out. Repeatedly if need be.

[Zapper]

I'm so sorry for your loss, Midnight.

It's not much, but you mentioned finding an online community. I recommend this one:

http://www.halforums.com/xenforo/

It's been my Internet "home" for seven years now, a tight, accepting group of people. A bit geek-centric, but we run the gamut. And I think that you'd find it a comfortable place to interact, too. It's always been a welcome distraction when I needed it.

[Midnight12]

been burying myself in my crafts. just finished a pendant necklace for my grandmother and i hope i can put it in her coffin.

thank you Akasa and Zapper.
leaving this friday and will be back sunday or monday. progress is progress. did some crying yesterday. and as is my nature i am fighting it and will crash eventually

[fireheart]

I love your avatar.

[Seshat]

I find comfort in feeling a connection with my own Nanna, doing things she taught me how to do.

Nothing can make the pain stop; but time will make the pain easier to live with, and blunt the edges of it. And make a point of doing the things that help you feel closer to her.

[Midnight12]

thank you fireheart

i feel horrible for not feeling more devastated. but i think its maybe because at one point that i knew she wasn't going to leave the nursing home or rather not ever going to get up from the bed to walk and i think i may have let go then....

i remember going up to the coffin thinking i'm going to bawl my eyes out, but i didn't because she looked like she was still sleeping, like she was before she went into the nursing home. different than when grandpa (pa) went in because he went differently than in his sleep.

the worst part is that she was the glue of the family and it was a combination of disgrace and expected shock...or a sit back and watch this (can't find the right words) almost as if a reality tv show how the uncles and aunts just fell apart and didn't talk to each other...but then they had begun drifting when granny went into the nursing home.

and again it was alienation for me and a slap in the face that i am still the ignored black sheep of the family. but i also chose not to reach out to the family so no one to blame really. just so tired of being reminded i am the failure don't talk to me. really how am i supposed to learn if people in My own gd family keep doing this to me.
family is all you have at the end of the day? thats bullshit aunt kathy thats a lie. I have a family but its not my own blood. how sad is that

(its the family i married into, my mom's side, the family here in this community and those i made OUTSIDE the one i was born into. how sad is that)


HOWEVER the good side, Granny taught everyone in her family that no matter who it was you treat everyone the same, EQUALLY. if was the ceo or the person that cleans the bathroom you treat them as a person. and i remember we would go to the store and she always talked to the cashier like they were a friend or long lost friend and treated them AS A PERSON. even if she had a bad day. she was one of the few people that got joy from being a caregiver...a rare rare person even after all that happened to her.
so even in her passing she taught me valuable things and i remember the good times. will never forget the first baking lesson, making peanut butter cookies and i got flour all over my dress and i didn't care...i had cookies

[Midnight12]

slowly getting better.
remembering the good things about the times i spent with her and how no matter how bad or good, every picture and drawing done by her kids was on her fridge and her house was covered with family pictures of HER family