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I haven't told a lot of people this yet, but I need to get it out. Before anyone says anything, I'll be seeing friends in a couple of days and I'll start telling people and bringing in my support system.
Some of this may be gross to some, so I've put some parts in white.
A few weeks ago, I learned I was pregnant. We were surprised, but very excited and quickly fell in love with this little one that we knew didn't even look quite human yet. Oddly enough, we both had the feeling it was a girl and came to that separately without even mentioning it to each other. We told our immediate family and we were going to tell friends soon.
Then, a little over a week ago, I started having scary symptoms. I rushed to the doctor and it didn't look like I was miscarrying. (While I was bleeding a bit, it wasn't heavy and I wasn't passing tissue.) They did a blood test to be sure and my HCG levels were low for where they should be at this point in the pregnancy.
Fast forward a few days and they test again. (There's hardly any blood at this point, so I thought it was one of the other 23425807 things that can make a pregnant woman bleed.) My HCG levels were still a bit low for where they should be, but they had risen significantly. My hopes were definitely up and I was breathing easier thinking I'd still be able to see my baby.
Another few days later, they drew more blood and tested again. My HCG levels had dropped to barely more than half of what they were instead of continuing to rise. They also tested progesterone (both are needed in certain levels for a healthy pregnancy) and it was below the threshold where there is any hope of not miscarrying.
That was Wednesday when I got this news. Since then, I've cried harder than I ever have in my life. I've had periods of being completely numb. I've also had times when I acted completely normal. I actually made it through Thanksgiving with friends and none of them knew. I will tell them, but I didn't want to bring them down on Thanksgiving. It's honestly frightening how good I've become at pretending I'm ok - especially now when I'm hurting and grieving more than I ever have.
I know the statistics. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, etc. It doesn't help when it's your little one that's now gone. The pregnancy symptoms have all gone away now so I'm sure she's not still growing in there. On top of everything, what's scaring me to death it this:
I still haven't shown any signs of my body "finishing the job". If I don't soon, I'm afraid I'll need to go in and have a procedure to remove everything. I'm not scared of the procedure, but I don't think I could handle it emotionally. I'll be seeing the OB/GYN this week to follow up.
Unfortunately, I've had many friends go through this before me. Some of them wrote a bit about their healing process and I ended up learning things I hoped I'd never have to use. Some find it helpful to name the baby. We've done so and it does help for us. We also plan to get something with her name on it as a little memorial.
We've also been planning Christmas since the summer. I'm hosting this year and 5 family members are going to come stay with us for 2 nights in our apartment. I'm still looking forward to seeing them, but it's not going to be the Christmas I thought it was. Instead of celebrating the first baby in our family in 23 years, we're grieving.
I don't know how to handle all this. I just had to fire my therapist for being a total idiot (related thread in Sickbay). So I know I need to find a new one and fast because I feel like this is crushing me. At the same time, I don't feel I have the resources to hunt for a new one.
Sorry this got so long and rambling. I really just need some prayers/positive thoughts right now.
Some of this may be gross to some, so I've put some parts in white.
A few weeks ago, I learned I was pregnant. We were surprised, but very excited and quickly fell in love with this little one that we knew didn't even look quite human yet. Oddly enough, we both had the feeling it was a girl and came to that separately without even mentioning it to each other. We told our immediate family and we were going to tell friends soon.
Then, a little over a week ago, I started having scary symptoms. I rushed to the doctor and it didn't look like I was miscarrying. (While I was bleeding a bit, it wasn't heavy and I wasn't passing tissue.) They did a blood test to be sure and my HCG levels were low for where they should be at this point in the pregnancy.
Fast forward a few days and they test again. (There's hardly any blood at this point, so I thought it was one of the other 23425807 things that can make a pregnant woman bleed.) My HCG levels were still a bit low for where they should be, but they had risen significantly. My hopes were definitely up and I was breathing easier thinking I'd still be able to see my baby.
Another few days later, they drew more blood and tested again. My HCG levels had dropped to barely more than half of what they were instead of continuing to rise. They also tested progesterone (both are needed in certain levels for a healthy pregnancy) and it was below the threshold where there is any hope of not miscarrying.
That was Wednesday when I got this news. Since then, I've cried harder than I ever have in my life. I've had periods of being completely numb. I've also had times when I acted completely normal. I actually made it through Thanksgiving with friends and none of them knew. I will tell them, but I didn't want to bring them down on Thanksgiving. It's honestly frightening how good I've become at pretending I'm ok - especially now when I'm hurting and grieving more than I ever have.
I know the statistics. One in four pregnancies end in miscarriage, etc. It doesn't help when it's your little one that's now gone. The pregnancy symptoms have all gone away now so I'm sure she's not still growing in there. On top of everything, what's scaring me to death it this:
I still haven't shown any signs of my body "finishing the job". If I don't soon, I'm afraid I'll need to go in and have a procedure to remove everything. I'm not scared of the procedure, but I don't think I could handle it emotionally. I'll be seeing the OB/GYN this week to follow up.
Unfortunately, I've had many friends go through this before me. Some of them wrote a bit about their healing process and I ended up learning things I hoped I'd never have to use. Some find it helpful to name the baby. We've done so and it does help for us. We also plan to get something with her name on it as a little memorial.
We've also been planning Christmas since the summer. I'm hosting this year and 5 family members are going to come stay with us for 2 nights in our apartment. I'm still looking forward to seeing them, but it's not going to be the Christmas I thought it was. Instead of celebrating the first baby in our family in 23 years, we're grieving.
I don't know how to handle all this. I just had to fire my therapist for being a total idiot (related thread in Sickbay). So I know I need to find a new one and fast because I feel like this is crushing me. At the same time, I don't feel I have the resources to hunt for a new one.
Sorry this got so long and rambling. I really just need some prayers/positive thoughts right now.
You can have all my hugs. 
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