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Sigh...
I have been amazed, simply AMAZED at the reactions of my coworkers since I came out back in May. I'd been terrified for years about how people would react, I imagined every horrible scenario over and over. And for the most part, I would get a shrug and something along the lines of "Hey, you have to be who you are. Nothing wrong with that." The one thing I never imagined was acceptance. CASUAL acceptance.
Because I had it in my head that I would make subtle changes over time (along with the subtle changes to my body that have happened over time due to the hormones), I haven't made any drastic changes to my appearance. I haven't had my hair cut in nearly 5 months. It doesn't grow like people hair though, it just gets thicker. Policy states that no officer's hair can touch any point below their collar, so in a way this works in my favor (most females get their hair cut short or put it up in a bun). I do (try) to style it, it's a much more feminine look. The very first change I made was talking in my natural pitch, rather than try to fake a deeper tone like I always thought I had to (yes it was stupid, but I got tired of being tortured in middle school for sounding like a girl). I was just talking to my bestest girlfriend at work last week about how I want to actually go to a stylist and get my hair done but I'm hesitant, and she said, "What are you worried about? EVERYONE knows." And she's right. It's been almost 3 months since I came out, everyone knows what I am. And no one treats me any differently, except for the fact that people enjoy talking to me now since I'm a total chatterbox and not so closed up all the time. Well, ALMOST everyone knows at this point. Yesterday a coworker's wife brought him to work, so he needed a ride to the tower he was posted in, which was on my way so I offered. He got in my car and I moved my purse from the passenger seat so he could sit down and he said, "Is that YOUR purse?" And I just smiled and said, "Yes it is." And that was that. There are a handful of coworkers at this point who've seen me totally prettied up, and they say it's incredible how "natural" I look (my counselor recently brought up a good point that my fears all this time about not being able to pass as a female were unfounded, because my real struggle was spending so much time trying to pass as a male since that's what didn't come naturally to me).
So what's the problem? The problem is that I've only had 1 issue since I came out. I was expecting to be called names, hear whispers and/or laughing behind my back, whatever. It never happened. But one day in June, I came in with my nails painted. I was already aware that this was not against any policy (believe me, I have gone over the policies on appearance many, many times), and many female officers paint their nails. My Captain noticed when I came on shift that day and EXPLODED. He yelled at me in front of the entire shift (which you are never supposed to do in any job), took me to his office to yell at me some more, and even called the Major at home on his day off (it turned out to not be a big deal, the Major thought it was hilarious and handled it admirably). His main issue was that, even though I pointed out that I was NOT violating any policy, he refused to allow any MALE officer into the facility with painted nails.
So the next business day, I spoke to my HR Manager about it. Not to file a complaint, but just to get clarification. See, the state's EEO policy for state employees includes wording of "gender identity." I knew this when I told my HR Manager about me about a month before I formally came out, in preparation for doing so. She said that they, obviously, didn't really know much about how to handle it but that she would find out and make my transition as smooth as possible. So now that I hit a rough spot, I let her know. She said that, since I am the FIRST openly transgender officer in the department's history, there were no guidelines established, and I said that I know this, which is why we need to establish them. Because I'm the first and I won't be the last. So I knew that whatever happens with me will set the precedents for what happens with those who come after me. She asked a little about my intentions, I told her that yes, I plan to change my name and my "legal" gender to female, but that for now, I am not demanding or even asking anyone to address me as anything they're not comfortable with. Some coworkers use female pronouns to refer to me, some don't. And I don't try to force them to do otherwise.
I was told that she would contact Central Office so they could make an "official" determination, but that while she could not tell me I can't paint my nails again (because it's against policy for her to do so), she recommended I not do it unless I feel I "have" to. Okay, that's was odd, when do you feel you HAVE to paint your nails. But she said she'd hear back by the end of the week, and I believed her. I called her a week later. "No, we havent' heard back yet, so just proceed as we discussed for now." Okay. A week after that. "Not yet, just proceed as we discussed at this time." Oh... alright. A week after THAT. "Haven't heard anything yet, just proceed as we discussed." Grumble.
I stopped checking. I figured I'd just wait until I beat my court case this month and start bothering her about it again. I kind of figured they were stalling for time, because if I get convicted in my case (not gonna happen, for the record), then I lose my job and I'm not their problem anymore. Although I maintain that I WILL NOT be the last of my kind and that eventually they will have to deal with it. My trial has now been moved to late October (for medical reasons on the part of my attorney, and I gave him my blessing to request the continuance to see a specialist out of state), so yesterday I called her to let her know court has been moved. And then I asked if, by any chance, had she heard from Central Office yet? And she said yes. "We're just going to proceed as we discussed." I said, "until they make a determination?" And she said, "No, that's what they said. We won't hear from Central about it again."
Now I'm not so content to play their games. Central Office did NOT say that, those are the same freaking words she's been feeding me all along. I honestly doubt she ever contacted anyone about it. She told me she'd help make things as smooth as possible, she didn't think I'd actually go through with coming out. Then I did and she didn't want to be the one to handle the fallout. But everyone is okay with me, so there's no fallout to deal with. This is literally a non-issue. And like my coworker told me, EVERYONE KNOWS. It's been almost 3 months, I've actually got people asking me why I haven't made more changes to my appearance (although my day-to-day look is much more feminine. You can tell what I am just looking at me whether I have my uniform on or a skirt). I understand that this is... I dunno, weird, but there are 9 million LBGT people in the US so it's not like I'm something new, or even special anymore. And we have a handful of openly gay or lesbian officers. No one tells one of our Captains that they recommend she not get a mullet (I love that woman to death, she is pure awesome, and more of a man than any man I've ever known. I mean no offense by saying that).
Technically, I haven't been prohibited from doing anything. I've been cautioned against doing something. And I haven't been told what the consequences will be if I decide not to follow that recommendation (although, I suppose I can just say I HAD to paint my nails, I guess?). And the only issue we've even addressed is my nails. What if I get my hair styled? The only thing that policy mentions about hair is that it can't be more than a certain length. What if I wear a nice, professional-looking top that is a bit sparkly on a dress-down day? There are plenty of guidelines about clothing, but none that say I can't. What if I wear my better hair to work, if I put it up so it doesn't fall below my collar? Can they say I can't? We had a female Captain who wore a weave every single day. I wear a bra (out of necessity now), can they tell me they "recommend" I don't? All I can think of to do is start pushing the limits. Get their attention, all the way to Topeka if I need to, let them know that I understand what is in policy and what isn't, and I WILL continue to be me. I left the point of no return behind a long time ago, so it's not even possible for me to stop now. And why the hell would I want to?
I was talking to my work bestie online last night, she's in the union and knows people at Central Office. She's going to make some calls, see what she can do for me, so I'm not going to do anything drastic YET. But it's time for me to stop trying to make things "easy" for everyone else, when everyone else already accepts me. The ones who matter to me do anyway. It's time to fight. And as soon as I know for sure what my options are (since they don't seem to understand what "gender identity" is even though they grant me equal rights in their own policy), I will start the fight.
I'm not asking for anything unreasonable, I'm only asking to be help to the same standards and expectations of any other female officer. I also don't think it's too much to ask for them to stand behind their own policy.
Because I had it in my head that I would make subtle changes over time (along with the subtle changes to my body that have happened over time due to the hormones), I haven't made any drastic changes to my appearance. I haven't had my hair cut in nearly 5 months. It doesn't grow like people hair though, it just gets thicker. Policy states that no officer's hair can touch any point below their collar, so in a way this works in my favor (most females get their hair cut short or put it up in a bun). I do (try) to style it, it's a much more feminine look. The very first change I made was talking in my natural pitch, rather than try to fake a deeper tone like I always thought I had to (yes it was stupid, but I got tired of being tortured in middle school for sounding like a girl). I was just talking to my bestest girlfriend at work last week about how I want to actually go to a stylist and get my hair done but I'm hesitant, and she said, "What are you worried about? EVERYONE knows." And she's right. It's been almost 3 months since I came out, everyone knows what I am. And no one treats me any differently, except for the fact that people enjoy talking to me now since I'm a total chatterbox and not so closed up all the time. Well, ALMOST everyone knows at this point. Yesterday a coworker's wife brought him to work, so he needed a ride to the tower he was posted in, which was on my way so I offered. He got in my car and I moved my purse from the passenger seat so he could sit down and he said, "Is that YOUR purse?" And I just smiled and said, "Yes it is." And that was that. There are a handful of coworkers at this point who've seen me totally prettied up, and they say it's incredible how "natural" I look (my counselor recently brought up a good point that my fears all this time about not being able to pass as a female were unfounded, because my real struggle was spending so much time trying to pass as a male since that's what didn't come naturally to me).
So what's the problem? The problem is that I've only had 1 issue since I came out. I was expecting to be called names, hear whispers and/or laughing behind my back, whatever. It never happened. But one day in June, I came in with my nails painted. I was already aware that this was not against any policy (believe me, I have gone over the policies on appearance many, many times), and many female officers paint their nails. My Captain noticed when I came on shift that day and EXPLODED. He yelled at me in front of the entire shift (which you are never supposed to do in any job), took me to his office to yell at me some more, and even called the Major at home on his day off (it turned out to not be a big deal, the Major thought it was hilarious and handled it admirably). His main issue was that, even though I pointed out that I was NOT violating any policy, he refused to allow any MALE officer into the facility with painted nails.
So the next business day, I spoke to my HR Manager about it. Not to file a complaint, but just to get clarification. See, the state's EEO policy for state employees includes wording of "gender identity." I knew this when I told my HR Manager about me about a month before I formally came out, in preparation for doing so. She said that they, obviously, didn't really know much about how to handle it but that she would find out and make my transition as smooth as possible. So now that I hit a rough spot, I let her know. She said that, since I am the FIRST openly transgender officer in the department's history, there were no guidelines established, and I said that I know this, which is why we need to establish them. Because I'm the first and I won't be the last. So I knew that whatever happens with me will set the precedents for what happens with those who come after me. She asked a little about my intentions, I told her that yes, I plan to change my name and my "legal" gender to female, but that for now, I am not demanding or even asking anyone to address me as anything they're not comfortable with. Some coworkers use female pronouns to refer to me, some don't. And I don't try to force them to do otherwise.
I was told that she would contact Central Office so they could make an "official" determination, but that while she could not tell me I can't paint my nails again (because it's against policy for her to do so), she recommended I not do it unless I feel I "have" to. Okay, that's was odd, when do you feel you HAVE to paint your nails. But she said she'd hear back by the end of the week, and I believed her. I called her a week later. "No, we havent' heard back yet, so just proceed as we discussed for now." Okay. A week after that. "Not yet, just proceed as we discussed at this time." Oh... alright. A week after THAT. "Haven't heard anything yet, just proceed as we discussed." Grumble.
I stopped checking. I figured I'd just wait until I beat my court case this month and start bothering her about it again. I kind of figured they were stalling for time, because if I get convicted in my case (not gonna happen, for the record), then I lose my job and I'm not their problem anymore. Although I maintain that I WILL NOT be the last of my kind and that eventually they will have to deal with it. My trial has now been moved to late October (for medical reasons on the part of my attorney, and I gave him my blessing to request the continuance to see a specialist out of state), so yesterday I called her to let her know court has been moved. And then I asked if, by any chance, had she heard from Central Office yet? And she said yes. "We're just going to proceed as we discussed." I said, "until they make a determination?" And she said, "No, that's what they said. We won't hear from Central about it again."
Now I'm not so content to play their games. Central Office did NOT say that, those are the same freaking words she's been feeding me all along. I honestly doubt she ever contacted anyone about it. She told me she'd help make things as smooth as possible, she didn't think I'd actually go through with coming out. Then I did and she didn't want to be the one to handle the fallout. But everyone is okay with me, so there's no fallout to deal with. This is literally a non-issue. And like my coworker told me, EVERYONE KNOWS. It's been almost 3 months, I've actually got people asking me why I haven't made more changes to my appearance (although my day-to-day look is much more feminine. You can tell what I am just looking at me whether I have my uniform on or a skirt). I understand that this is... I dunno, weird, but there are 9 million LBGT people in the US so it's not like I'm something new, or even special anymore. And we have a handful of openly gay or lesbian officers. No one tells one of our Captains that they recommend she not get a mullet (I love that woman to death, she is pure awesome, and more of a man than any man I've ever known. I mean no offense by saying that).
Technically, I haven't been prohibited from doing anything. I've been cautioned against doing something. And I haven't been told what the consequences will be if I decide not to follow that recommendation (although, I suppose I can just say I HAD to paint my nails, I guess?). And the only issue we've even addressed is my nails. What if I get my hair styled? The only thing that policy mentions about hair is that it can't be more than a certain length. What if I wear a nice, professional-looking top that is a bit sparkly on a dress-down day? There are plenty of guidelines about clothing, but none that say I can't. What if I wear my better hair to work, if I put it up so it doesn't fall below my collar? Can they say I can't? We had a female Captain who wore a weave every single day. I wear a bra (out of necessity now), can they tell me they "recommend" I don't? All I can think of to do is start pushing the limits. Get their attention, all the way to Topeka if I need to, let them know that I understand what is in policy and what isn't, and I WILL continue to be me. I left the point of no return behind a long time ago, so it's not even possible for me to stop now. And why the hell would I want to?
I was talking to my work bestie online last night, she's in the union and knows people at Central Office. She's going to make some calls, see what she can do for me, so I'm not going to do anything drastic YET. But it's time for me to stop trying to make things "easy" for everyone else, when everyone else already accepts me. The ones who matter to me do anyway. It's time to fight. And as soon as I know for sure what my options are (since they don't seem to understand what "gender identity" is even though they grant me equal rights in their own policy), I will start the fight.
I'm not asking for anything unreasonable, I'm only asking to be help to the same standards and expectations of any other female officer. I also don't think it's too much to ask for them to stand behind their own policy.
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