Rules for Tech Support

[Depot Denizen]

Most clients have Norton installed, and they forget to turn off the Windows Firewall. So you end up having the two programs jockeying for resources, and they do not work together. A friend of mine blocked himself from using World of Warcraft because Norton and Windows kept fighting over network ports. Norton has a habit of asking you to block *everything* that it thinks is bad. Windows just asks you once, and leaves you be.

[Cvstos]

A compilation...

Here's what I'm going to print out and post on my door when I move into the dorm. Some bits from here, and some of my own thoughts.

RULES FOR TECH SUPPORT!

1) You will not call me for remote assistance. I don't do that. You will come to me, describe the problem, and set up an appointment for me to take a look at it.

2) You will NOT install Kazaa, Bonzi Buddy, or any other program that has no use, wastes system resources, and installs spyware and malware.

3) When I ask "When is the last time you updated this computer?", your response had better not be "never" or a blank stare. You will activate automatic updates for Windows and have it update every day. You will also check Microsoft Update every week to get optional updates. You have no excuse for using a pirated version of Windows when the bookstore offers XP Pro for $10.

4) Microsoft Windows is your operating system, the core bit of software than runs your whole computer. Microsoft Office includes Microsoft Word, Excel, and Power Point. That is an office software suite, and is DIFFERENT than Microsoft Windows.

5) That big box that is your computer is called a "desktop" or "tower". It is not a "hard drive", "CPU", or "motherboard". Those are specific components inside that box, and using those incorrect terms will only confuse the issue.

6) You will keep up to date anti-virus software. Not a 2-year-old trial version. A fully updated (preferably with automatic updates) anti-virus solution, such as Avast, Norton, McAffee, or Nod32.

7) You will keep up to date anti-spyware software, such as Windows Defender/Live One Care, Ad-Aware, or Spybot: Search and Destroy. Not a copy you downloaded three years ago and never updated, something UP TO DATE.

8) You will not download suspicious packages such as stolen programs and serial code crackers. Nine times out of ten, those are just boxes of viruses.

9) You will not put your computer in the corner with no air circulation. Computers get hot. Give them room to around them to have air circulate to cool it off.

10) Computers have fans in them, and dust will clog them. It's a good idea to clean out the inside of your computer using a can of compressed air (available at most computer stores). A mask, goggles, and performing the operation outside is advised!

11) Go to your favorite computer store and buy an external backup hard drive, and make regular backups. If your computer is completely wasted, I will likely have to do a fresh install of Windows.

12) You WILL have a full copy of Windows. Not a system restore disk which won't work if you change the hardware. I may need that disk to do a full reinstall of Windows. You can get Windows XP Pro from the bookstore for $10 if you are a student, but only one copy. Keep track of that copy, and keep VERY good track of the CD key.

13) You must be the one who owns the computer and is experiencing the problem.

14) You accept that reinstalling Windows may cause permanent loss of all your old data. You accept that if you don't have a backup, that's your problem.

15) You must know how to reproduce the error, and have the error message written down.

16) DO NOT LIE. Odds are I'll be able to tell, and inaccurate information will greatly harm my efforts to fix your computer.

17) Try restarting first. For some reason, that clears many things up.

18) You will not expect me how to use some proprietary, oddball, unknown program. I don't know everything.

19) You will NOT put refrigerator magnets on the side of your case. If you do, I will hit you up side the head. HARD.

20) I can work with Windows 2000, XP, Mac OS X 10.2, 10.3, 10.4, and try to work with Windows Vista. Anything older than that, and you need to get a new computer. Seriously, Windows XP has been out since 2001. GET A NEW COMPUTER!

21) You will not touch the registry. Ever.

22) If you want to uninstall a program, use the uninstall program, do not just delete the program.

23) I will not use a keyboard that's nasty as hell. Keep it clean. Same goes for your room. If it stinks, I won't even go in there.

24) If I can't fix it quickly, I'll have to start charging for my time. Most problems can be fixed quickly or just with some advice, but some cannot and require lots of work and sometimes new hardware must be ordered. I will definitely charge you for parts.

25) If you break any of the above rules, I'm definitely going to charge you for my time.

[Dreamstalker]

1) You will not call me for remote assistance. I don't do that. You will come to me, describe the problem, and set up an appointment for me to take a look at it.

*nodnod* I prefer not to troubleshoot over the phone (unless I know the other party's setup like the back of my hand which only applies to immediate family). That should not be considered a "disability" or "laziness". It's just the way I work (I know users will not read error messages correctly, and, with few exceptions, I can't fix what I can't see).

5) That big box that is your computer is called a "desktop" or "tower". It is not a "hard drive", "CPU", or "motherboard". Those are specific components inside that box, and using those incorrect terms will only confuse the issue.

My shrink did that just yesterday. She asked me what kind of work I do, and proceeds to say "Hard drive repair?" Apparently, my blank stare was insufficient for her to realize what she said wrong

24) If I can't fix it quickly, I'll have to start charging for my time. Most problems can be fixed quickly or just with some advice, but some cannot and require lots of work and sometimes new hardware must be ordered. I will definitely charge you for parts.

Also, if I say that I need to do some research and will come back shortly to begin fixing the problem (if the computer in question does not have internet access and I do not have my laptop with me), do not under any circumstances try to "fix it" yourself. You will only screw it up worse. You will then be charged an ID10T tax. That tax is never to be questioned. Ever.

[Dreamstalker]

I got another one. If you purchase a part, ask me to install it for you, misplace it when I come to install it, and later find it, for the love of Hastur do not leave a voicemail saying "oh I found this and I'll install it myself". That makes me very nervous, especially if I know you know next to nothing about computers. I don't care if you think you'll "save money"; my install fee is much less than replacing the motherboard if you screw something up.

Corollary to the above: Don't even try to blame me if something goes south. I told you to call me when you find the part. Do nothing else. If your computer survived until now without the part, it will survive a few extra days until I can come over. You decided you knew all about hardware install by seeing me next to the open case.

(a friend just did this with a stick of RAM that may or may not work in her machine; yes it's the correct type, but something has transpired where separate sticks of the same timings will not work--it needs an exact matched pair)

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

I think the problem that most people have with Norton stems from who uses it. Norton by default assumes that you're an idiot and will slam the gates closed on EVERYTHING.

This isn't a problem for people like me who have used Norton Products since (and yes I know I'm dating myself here) 1989 and know the little tricks and foibles of the system. We instinctively know to turn this off, tweak that, adjust the other and get norton working and integrated just fine. It's the rest of the world who installs the programs and doesn't know how to disable windows in favor of the new firewall, how to open the firewall to allow networking, how not to run it alongside of McAfee or any of the millions of ways someone unfamiliar with the product can misconfigure it.

Otherwise I love Norton and just feel naked and exposed if my computer doesn't have it running. My computer doesn't even SEE the internet until XP SP2, and Norton is installed.

[Comp_geek]

I like the freeware software I have.
-AVG does a good job with viruses, though they are not as popular any more, and Ewido finds adware/spyware/malware on the fly.
-Once a month I run CCleaner and remove all temp files and such.
-I don't use a firewall...I've got my router with the firewall...and I just don't feel important enough to need a firewall. My wireless is secured and the signal BARELY makes it out of my house. Plus I live in the end of a dead end street so illegal wardriving around here would be pointless.

I don't like how many resources Norton uses and how intertwined with the system is becomes. I'm sure they've fixed a lot of bugs since I last installed it (win 98 on P2). Another reason I don't use Norton, it's so mainstream. If someone REALLY wants to get to my system then it wouldn't be a problem to get around Norton.

[NightWolf]

I've got to go with Mongo here. We have tons of users calling in on a daily basis and 9 times out of 10 the firewall ends up being the issue. Why? Who knows. Most of the time we find out Norton has expired and the customer has no clue about it.

I've had several times though where email is affected, we disable the NIS firewall, and boom. They get email. The re-enable the firewall, it works for 2 months, and boom, same issue. They disable the firewall, and it works. Rinse, Lather, Repeat.

I don't get, I don't really care to get it. I have a router built into my DSL modem, which is the way I like it. Much easier to deal with IMO than the software based ones.

[sr2K2K]

-I don't use a firewall...I've got my router with the firewall...and I just don't feel important enough to need a firewall. My wireless is secured and the signal BARELY makes it out of my house.

Beyond AVG, and the usual battery of anti-adware apps and a few niceties from SysInternals, I use ZA on top of the router, and when people ask me to set up their PCs or if I finish repairing one, I install the same suite of apps on theirs too. Yeah, to some degree, it's a few wasted cycles and a not-entirely insignificant memory footprint, but I like the ability to immediately control outbound data traffic that a software firewall provides.

Not a big fan of the 'all-in-one' security packages for my own use, but when it comes to other people, I'd rather they use NIS or McAfee or whatever than nothing at all.

[JRH2975]

That would require they actually have to do something on the PC. Your average user can't be bothered with such trivial things. Not when there is porn to surf!!

Yeah, I totally agree. The other is to use common sense, if a family member screws up 3 computers prior to the one they are using, it's probably a good indication that they shouldn't have a computer.

[Customer Beating Robot]

My rules

1) Quit assigning blame - If you want your problem fixed, it will be done a lot faster if don't continously state that you didn't do anything and it must be our fault.

2) Be willing to do what it takes to fix the issue - Don't say "No" to everything I ask you to do. If you are not willing to check something out, then I just can't help you.

3) Understand what is and isn't my responsibility - We handle your internet, not your printer, scanner, mouse, webcam, keyboard, computer desk, etc. We also make sure that you get access to the internet. Your problem logging into a website is not our problem.

4) Don't act ridiculous - Don't repond to even the simplest request as though I am out of my mind. Saying "What are you talking about?" when I ask what the problem is, only delays the problem.

[repsac]

1.) If you have a special cooling system, please bring it with the computer. Most likely I do not have the same system and can not be held responsible for any damage done when the chips overheat.

2.) Furthermore, if you are savvy enough to know HOW to install the special cooling system yourself, you should be smart enough to fix the problem on your own. Infact, I have a problem here for which I would pay YOU to fix.

3.) Water cooling systems require water. This is not an option. They will not work without them. Substituting any of the following will invalidate your warranty: Beer, Cola,Urine, Alcohol, Antifreeze, or anything other than water.

4.) If any of your questions involve the words "It makes a grinding sound" expect to be charged extra.

5.) Thou shalt not monkey with dip switches. I don't care what you think you're doing, do not touch. If you move them, I can't really help you. Yes, you're screwed.

6.) Thou shalt not Whine.

7.) Nor grovel

8.) Worshipping only helps when you are sincere and sacrifice a case of my favorite drink to me.

9.) Flashing me will not help if you are male, over 40, fat, hairy, or my cousin.

[LostMyMind]

1.) 5.) Thou shalt not monkey with dip switches. I don't care what you think you're doing, do not touch. If you move them, I can't really help you. Yes, you're screwed.

I thought they got rid of dip switches for motherboards. Oh well, I guess they just won't go away.

[Tria]

9.) Flashing me will not help if you are male, over 40, fat, hairy, or my cousin.

Not even if your cousin's hot?

[EmiOfBrie]

20) I can work with Windows 2000, XP, Mac OS X 10.2, 10.3, 10.4, and try to work with Windows Vista. Anything older than that, and you need to get a new computer. Seriously, Windows XP has been out since 2001. GET A NEW COMPUTER!

Did you forgot Windows 2003 Server?