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Your All-Time Favorite Quotes!

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  • #31
    "And now 'Deep Thoughts', by Jack Handey"...
    • I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, when somebody comes up, acting like they just woke up and going, "What was THAT?!"
    • If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I guess I'm a coward.
    • Sometimes I think the world has gone completely mad. And then I think, "Aw, who cares?" And then I think, "Hey, what's for supper?"
    • If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
    • What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
    • If you ever go temporarily insane, don't shoot somebody, like a lot of people do. Instead, try to get some weeding done, because you'd really be surprised.
    • As the evening sky faded from a salmon color to a sort of flint gray, I thought back to the salmon I caught that morning, and how gray he was, and how I named him Flint.
    • Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: "Mankind." Basically, it's made up of two separate words-"mank" and "ind." What do these words mean? It's a mystery, and that's why so is mankind.
    • It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man.
    • Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
    • If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
    • If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
    • Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh. But then I think, what if I was an ant, and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.
    • If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
    • If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
    • We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.
    • Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of its head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
    • I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
    • Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
    • As we were driving, we saw a sign that said "Watch for Rocks." Martha said it should read "Watch for Pretty Rocks." I told her she should write in her suggestion to the highway department, but she started saying it was a joke -- just to get out of writing a simple letter! And I thought I was lazy!
    • I bet one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
    • Laurie got offended because I used the word "puke." But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.
    • Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
    • One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old burned-down warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned down." He cried and cried, but I think that deep down, he thought it was a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but it was getting pretty late.
    • I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it.
    • It's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
    • Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
    • If aliens took over the world I hope that they would make people their pets so I could sleep in one of those little dog beds...
    • If you ever drop your keys in a stream of molten lava, let them go, because man, they're gone.
    • To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've wondered where this started and I think it goes back to the time I went to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
    • When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.


    What? I have a VERY demented sense of humor! You all should know this by now!!
    "Eventually one outgrows the fairy tales of childhood, belief in Santa and the Easter Bunny, and believing that SCs are even capable of imagining themselves in our position."
    --StanFlouride

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    • #32
      "I had two big accidents in my life Diego, the trolley and you... You are by far the worse."-Frida(Salma Hayek) to Diego(Alfred Molina) in the movie Frida-by far the meanest line in movie history.

      ...But why is the Rum gone?!"-Capt. Jack Sparrow

      Deep Thought: Okay. The answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and everything is... 42.
      "Failure is not an option. It comes bundled with your software."

      Comment


      • #33
        Quoth Jack T. Chance
        I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
        woof....
        I don't go in for ancient wisdom
        I don't believe just 'cause ideas are tenacious
        It means that they're worthy - Tim Minchin, "White Wine in the Sun"

        Comment


        • #34
          how could I forget this one:

          “Getting to the top is optional, but getting down is mandatory. A lot of people get focused on the summit and forget that.”

          -Ed Viesturs
          "Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory." _Ed Viesturs
          "Love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, and don't settle" Steve Jobs

          Comment


          • #35
            here's one i forgot before



            ...there’s been some wins - the (Radio Series, Book, TV series and Movie) HITCHHIKERS GUIDE TO THE GALAXY promised us a massive Electronic Enclopedia that was quote: "full of ommisions, apocraphal and highly inaccurate at best”. If you’ve got a better description of wikipedia, i'd like to hear it.
            - Marc The Film Guy, Triple J
            It's like trying to get laid by showing a girl your resume.
            Look, I was good at Biology and Woodwork.
            So I know where stuff is and I'm good with my hands.

            - Dan, The Gruen Transfer

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            • #36
              "Life's a journey, not a destination." --Aerosmith.

              "Life's what happens when you're busy making other plans." --John Lennon.

              "Simon says go fuck yourself." --George Carlin.

              "Tonight's forecast: dark. Continued mostly dark thoughout the evening, breaking to widely scattered light in the morning." --George Carlin.

              "Tonight's forecast: beer. Continued mostly beer throughout the evening, breaking to widely scattered hangovers in the morning." --Me. (Yes, I have said that many times at the beginning of an evening, or the end of a work shift.)

              "And the bombs and the devil, and the kids keep coming. No way to breathe easy, no time to be young." --Heart.

              "Don't you draw the Queen of Diamonds, boy. She'll beat you if she's able. You know the Queen of Hearts is always your best bet." --The Eagles.

              "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need." --The Rolling Stones.

              "I remember throwin' punches around and preachin' from my chair." --The Who.

              "You're good looking, but in a goofy way." --my friend Cat to me many years ago.

              "I'd love to find a girl who looks just like you, but with a completely different personality." --me to my friend Cat, in a completely separate conversation. Amusingly, both of us took the above comments as the compliments they were intended to be.

              "You're best isn't good enough!" --from Mr. Holland's Opus, several characters.

              "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
              Still A Customer."

              Comment


              • #37
                Good morning, Universe. Looking good. I see the sun came up today as well. Big thumbs up on that one, great idea. I'll get out of bed then.- Neil Gaiman (A few hours ago on Twitter)
                Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                Comment


                • #38
                  "And now, your extended foreceast...fffffoooooooooorrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeccc ccaaaaaaaaaasssssssst"
                  -Unknown



                  (I have to find my lil book....I kept it for a few yrs i school....many quotes)
                  "Getting to the top is optional. Getting down is mandatory." _Ed Viesturs
                  "Love what you do. If you haven't found it yet, keep looking, and don't settle" Steve Jobs

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    This may not be an exact quote, but that is because I just heard it about 20 minutes ago on Real Time with Bill Maher.

                    "I'm Catholic. We were taught that sex is a filthy, dirty, vile thing...that you save for the person you truly love." --Paul Begala.

                    "The Customer Is Always Right...But The Bartender Decides Who Is
                    Still A Customer."

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Thanks to Jester I decided to add some of my favorite friend quotes. But only the ones that make sense without an explanation. My friend quotes get a separate journal from my famous people quote book. Because my friends like reading the friend quotes.

                      ~It's one of those events that could ruin you. And if it ruined me, I didn't notice.- My brother Stan (I think this is one of the best things I've ever heard anyone say in my life)

                      ~You are weird and sentimental. Emphasis on the Mental- My friend Keri

                      ~But then the star would explode. And in physics, explosions are bad.- Dr. Zukoskas my astronomy professor

                      ~Everyone is a whore. You just need the right adjective.- My friend Krissy
                      Hinakiba777- Student of Divinity-Always trying to get laid.

                      Annoying student=I pay tuition here so I pay your salary!
                      Desk Worker=I pay tuition here, too. So I guess I pay myself.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        And now it's time for a couple of my favorite quotes from the Longest Running Science Fiction Series in the History of Television... Doctor Who

                        The 7th Doctor (Sylvester McCoy): "Goodbye Davros. It hasn't been pleasant."

                        --From "Remembrance of the Daleks"

                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Ace: "Professor? We did good, didn't we?"

                        The 7th Doctor: "Perhaps. Time will tell... It always does."

                        --Also from "Remembrance of the Daleks"

                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        The 9th Doctor (Christopher Eccleston): "You lot. You spend all your time thinking about dying, like you're going to get killed by eggs, or beef, or global warming, or asteroids. But you never take time to imagine the impossible. That maybe you survive."

                        --From "The End of the World" ................................
                        Last edited by Jack T. Chance; 07-06-2009, 10:19 PM.
                        "Eventually one outgrows the fairy tales of childhood, belief in Santa and the Easter Bunny, and believing that SCs are even capable of imagining themselves in our position."
                        --StanFlouride

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          Ghostbusters (1 and 2)

                          "I collect spores, molds and fungus."

                          "Well that wasn't such a chore now was it?"

                          "I don't have to take this abuse from you. I got hundreds of people dying to abuse me."

                          "No job is too big, no fee is too big!"

                          "We're going about this all wrong. This Mr. Staypuft is all right, he's a sailor, he's in New York; we get this guy laid we won't have any trouble!"

                          "Ungrateful little yuppie larva."

                          "We had part of a Slinky, but I straightened it."

                          "Have you been out on the streets lately? Do you know how weird it is out there?"
                          "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                          "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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                          • #43
                            Red Dwarf; if anyone is as big a geek as me and feels like labeling these quotes by series and episode, feel free. XD

                            Rimmer: Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is?

                            Kryten:
                            Well, Space Corps Directive 195 clearly states that in an emergency power situation, a holo-grammatic crew member must lay down his life in order that the living crew members might survive.
                            Rimmer: Yes, but Rimmer Directive 271 states just as clearly, "No chance, you metal bastard."

                            Rimmer: You're about as useful as a condom machine in the Vatican.

                            Cat: He won't throw anything away because it reminds him of the good times he had with Rimmer! I must have blinked and missed them.

                            Lister: Drop dead, Rimmer.
                            Rimmer: Already have done.
                            Lister: Encore!

                            Rimmer: Oh ha, ha!
                            Lister: Rimmer, people who say 'ha, ha' have no sense of humour, they can't think of a witty retort.
                            Rimmer: (pause) Oh ha, ha!

                            Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!
                            Kryten: But sir, we lost Mr Rimmer.
                            Cat: All in all, a 100% successful trip!

                            Rimmer: Please rush me my portable walrus polishing kit. Four super brushes that will clean even the trickiest of seabound mammals. Yes, I am over eighteen, though my IQ isn't.

                            Lister: Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.

                            Kryten: Frankenstein was the creator, not the monster. It's a common misconception, held by all truly stupid people.

                            Lister: What's it feel like?
                            Rimmer: Death? It's like being on holiday with a group of Germans.
                            People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
                            My DeviantArt.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              "All of this was for nothing, unless we go to the stars." - Commander Jeffrey Sinclair, "Babylon 5"

                              "A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles." - Kosh, "Babylon 5"

                              "We've lived too long, seen too much. To live on, as we have, is to leave behind joy, love, and companionship because we know it to be transitory, of the moment. We know it will turn to ash. Only those whose lives are brief can believe that love is eternal. [pause] You should embrace that remarkable illusion. It may be the greatest gift your race has ever received." - Lorien (alien) to Ivanova (human), "Babylon 5"

                              "The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements. Energy, matter, and enlightened self-interest." - G'Kar, "Babylon 5"

                              "We are star stuff. We are the universe made manifest trying to figure itself out." - Delenn, "Babylon 5"

                              I could do B5 quotes all day. But I'll end with a funny one:

                              "Zathras is used to being beast of burden to other people's needs. Very sad life... probably have very sad death, but at least there is symmetry." - Zathras, "Babylon 5"
                              "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
                              -Mira Furlan

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                              • #45
                                We're doing friend quotes too? Oh fun!

                                "Psychotic killers don't kill people........oh wait -- yes they do!" -- my little sister Emily

                                "Oh, come on. I want them in a Disney mood, not dead from insulin shock..." -- my best friend Lucy

                                "Thus, i'faith, I am always head over heels for one reason or another." -- Lucy, again, after explaining why she doesn't understand the term "head over heels" in character at the Renn Fest. If you'd like the whole spiel, I'll post it. It's a great little monologue

                                “I was going to take over the world, but I got distracted by something shiny.” -- I'm sure it came from somewhere, but Lucy and I always say it

                                "Caterpillars, for reasons unknown to man, occasionally get this bizarre urge to 1) parachute without parachutes, 2) imitate rain, 3) commit suicide. They're either insane, studying zen buddhism, or in need of caterpillar prozac." -- found on a blog and I always loved it

                                "I have an involuntary scream reflex around them, and I do a very good, "DADDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!"" -- Emily again

                                "Let me know if you figure out whether or not it's a good idea." -- the Hubby many many years ago

                                "Honey, he’s a psychopathic killer. Of course he’s crazy." -- me. WAY too long of a story to explain
                                I am Wolverine.............and Wolverine does not do high kicks.

                                He was a hero to me....and heroes are not supposed to die.

                                Oh good, my dog found the chainsaw!

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