The Unnamed Stoner Game

[catcul]

I decided to spin this game off from the The Customer Complaint Letter Game. Yes, it's the adventures of our favorite no-name pot user. He writes various businesses talking about his encounters with other people. He generally complains about not finding his marijuana, but he never stays angry. It's not clear if marijuana is legal or not, and I'd like to keep it that way. He never gets arrested, and he never identifies himself.

If you can come up with a letter from the no-name stoner, please post it here. Below are some letters I wrote.

Dear Stoner's Pot Palace,

I was trying to get to your store early yesterday morning when I encountered a woman coming out of a building with a dog on a leash. At least I hope it was on a leash. I confronted her about letting me buy some marijuana. She said something about an "animal clinic" and "closed." I think your product is a little strong. She also said there was a rumor about marijuana users leaving things unfinished. That's ridiculous. She's funny.

Do you know of a good place to get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

Dear Stoner's Pot palace,

I'm telling you that your marijuana is too strong. I tried to write you a letter explaining how I had trouble finding your store. I must have been high when I sent that letter. Apparently, it went to the BigSleep Animal Clinic. I think I'll write an apology to them soon. I'm still laughing about that joke the woman with the dog told me. Pot smokers tend to leave things unfinished? I still find that funny.

Apparently, they didn't know the answer to my question. Do you know a place I can get a burger at 4 am?

Sincerely,

Dear Selene's Diner,

I came into your restaurant at about 4 am yesterday morning. I was about to order a bacon cheeseburger when I found a chicken pot pie on your menu. When I received it, I noticed it had chicken, peas, potatoes, and carrots. Imagine my disappointment when I realized it had no marijuana. I would be angry, but that thing tasted so good, I ordered 3 more. Your waitress told me that marijuana users tended to leave things unfinished except for their meals. That's funny. She must be related to the dog walking woman at the BigSleep Animal Clinic.

Please call those pies something else so my friends don't get confused.

Sincerely,

Dear Bullseye Retail,

I came into your store because I heard you had some good pot. I came up to this Japanese woman named Kaori. I think she said that her name was Kaori. I ask where you kept the pot. She took me to the cookware. That wasn't the pot I had in mind. Then I asked her where you kept the marijuana. She said that you didn't sell marijuana. I would have been mad, but I realized that I really needed that kind of pot, too. I've been really hungry lately, and I needed something to cook my food. Also, I couldn't stay mad at Kaori. She's pretty, funny, and charming. She told me that marijuana users don't finish anything except their meals. It was kind of a buzzkill when she told me she had a girlfriend. Oh, well. The Japanese flower has her Rose; I have my Mary Jane.

Speaking of which, Stoner's Pot Palace's product is too strong. Do you know anywhere else that sells marijuana?

Sincerely,

[catcul]

Dear Blue House Hardware,

I went to your store the other day because I heard that you had excellent grass. I asked the lady at the customer service desk where I can find it. She pointed me to the garden center. I went to the garden center, and I asked the guy there where I can find the grass. He shows me these sacks. That wasn't the kind of grass I was looking for. I asked him where the marijuana was. He told me that you didn't sell any. I would be angry, but I couldn't stay mad at him. Also, I might need fertilizer and pesticide if I decided to grow my own garden.

Do you know where I can find marijuana? The stuff from Stoner's Pot Palace is too strong.

Sincerely,

[Irving Patrick Freleigh]

Dear Freddie's Head Shop:

The guy outside your store sold me a bag of skank weed. It smelled bad and didn't even make me hungry. I couldn't even finish one entire bag of Doritos. So I roasted a bunch of banana skins in the oven and tried to get a buzz off those. Not recommended, by the way.

Hey, do you know if Pizza Hut will put twinkies and fritos on a pizza? I'm asking for a friend.

Take it easy,

[Racket_Man]

Hey, do you know if Pizza Hut will put twinkies and fritos on a pizza? I'm asking for a friend.

Take it easy,

IRV PLEASE DO NOT give the stoners any ideas PLEASE?????? We have enough trouble with them as it is.

[Dreamstalker]

Dear Grocery Store:

Your logo kinda looks like a fun leaf, so why wouldn't you sell it? I asked an employee where the pot was, and she showed me some saucepans. I said I wanted the other kind of pot, and she came back with a bag of catnip. It didn't do much for me, but man was my cat excited. At least one of us got high. Maybe if you sold the 'human catnip' too you'd make more money. I know I'd come in all the time. Your deli guy is awesome; he didn't even blink when I asked if he could put pickles on a pizza. Maybe he's done it before...

Come to think of it, a lot of your other customers could benefit from a little marijuana; everyone's so grumpy and high-strung all the time. Especially that one manager who expects you to be in 5104 places at once. He really needs to chill.

[catcul]

Dear Racket Man,

How could you say that me and my friends are trouble? I always try to be polite. I will admit that some of my friends can be really dumb. Anyway, who puts Fritos and Twinkies on a pizza?

Whatever. I'm getting really hungry. I'd like 6 sausage pizza, please.

Sincerely,