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Driving tips for the Middle East - Long? Nope. "Comprehensive".

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  • Driving tips for the Middle East - Long? Nope. "Comprehensive".

    Tips on Driving in the Middle East

    Tips, tricks, tried-n-true techniques, rules, regulations, and rights for Omani national drivers to make the most out of their automotive experience (and for expats and other non-national people to know what the truth really is.)

    • When approaching a "blind" four-way intersection (i.e. one where you can't see whether any cars are coming or not, roundabout or 4-way), do not, under any circumstances, stop; regardless of any signs to the contrary. Simply flash your lights and honk your horn to "claim" the right to go through the intersection. Under no circumstances should you slow down, and it is preferred to speed up. Similarly, if approaching an intersection and you hear someone honking; honk back and indulge in a game of blind chicken.

    • Numbers in circles by the side of the road are minimum speeds; or, at best, merely suggestions.

    • As are octagonal red signs posted in various places around town.

    • Policemen will pull you over for no apparent reason. They like to read your ID upside down. Show them your Texas/Brazilian/Mongolian driver’s license for extra points. Super extra bonus points if they detain you, confiscate your license, deride and belittle you, and make you waste a day of work getting new license plates because they issued the wrong ones to the person from whom you bought your car 2 years ago.

    • In an accident with any national, the non-national is always at fault; since the non-national does not understand the driving rules documented here.

    • And if there is an accident with a national and an expat, it is automatically the expats fault, because if he wasn’t here, he wouldn’t have been involved.

    • Lane markings are there for decorative purposes. Two broken lines spaced a few meters apart mean "drive five cars across here". If another driver drives past you at 150 km/h so close that he takes out your left rear view mirror, then that's his way of telling you that there was too much space empty on your right hand side.

    • Traffic lights are not always automatically controlled and are never sequenced, so it is imperative to get through as many as possible without braking, so that you stand the best chance to catch the next one.

    • Also, in various the various foreign tongues endemic to the Middle East, traffic signal colours have different meanings. Green means “speed up and fly through the intersection without looking for cross traffic”, yellow means “speed up and fly through the intersection without looking for cross traffic”, while red means “speed up and fly through the intersection without looking for cross traffic or brake madly so you don’t rear-end the idiot in front of you but the moron behind you has no such choice in the matter”.

    • Only wimps turn left from the left lane. If you are a bus driver, feel free to swerve your bus through five lanes of traffic to get to the off-ramp.

    • Beware of donkeys and camels. In particular, avoid hitting a country farmer's donkey or Bedouin’s camel. They are likely to want the animal put in the back of the ambulance and taken to hospital with you; indeed, the ambulance driver is likely to agree with the farmer.

    • Further, when driving out in the country’s’ interior, where large livestock freely roam at will, it is imperative that you drive as fast as possible. The reason being that if a camel does wander into your path and hitting it is unavoidable, the velocity and mass of your vehicle will overpower the relatively stationary mass of the animal, whereupon you will shear off its legs and its carcass will fly harmlessly over your car. A 1,600kg vehicle travelling at 175km/hr. is more than a match for a mere 550kg camel ambling across the highway at 5 km/hr. It’s just simple physics: F=MA.

    • When it rains, it's safer to drive faster, to avoid undue exposure to the elements.

    • Do not be concerned by mass honkings. It could be any of the following:

    * A wedding entourage.
    * Fans for a victorious soccer team.
    * Bored youngsters with nothing better to do than drive around the streets and honk.

    • When going to pick someone up, never actually go to their apartment or villa, simply honk from your vehicle. However, to distinguish yourself from other sounds, develop your own "family honk" so that people will know it's you; especially in crowded urban areas at 0530.

    • The basic principle that should guide you when driving in the Middle East is that if you drive faster you spend less time on the road and therefore you are less vulnerable to road accidents.

    • A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same jerks to squeeze their way back in before hitting the construction barrels.

    • Turn signals are just clues as to your next move in the never ending road battle to be first; so never, ever use them.

    • Under no circumstances should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you no matter how fast you're going. If you do, the space will be filled in by somebody else putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

    • The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

    • Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work or is driven by a male or female national less than 97 years of age.

    • Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to insure that your anti-lock braking system kicks in to give you a nice relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates.

    • Construction signs tell you about road closures immediately after you pass the exit but before the traffic begins to back up.

    • The electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information; they're just to make the highway look progressive.

    • Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It's a good way to show people entering the highway how well you can do it.

    • Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that the driver flashing his high beams and leaning on the horn behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

    • Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident, a person changing a tire or an ROP officer standing on the shoulder looking bored. If you're lucky, you may see an unwitting breakdown victim rear- ended.

    • Learn to swerve abruptly. The Middle East is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to certain types of individuals who refuse to walk 100 meters to use highway walk-overs. They do this to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

    • It is traditional in the Middle East to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. In fact, the shortest period of measurable time, the nanosecond, is defined this way.

    • Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, and is usually a waste of time with cars whose windows are tinted the same colour as a cave’s ambient interior.

    • All unmarked exits on the Qaboos Dual Carriageway lead to Ruwi, or Nizwa.

    • At all times, when behind the wheel, you must hold a deep, intense and wildly gesticulatory conversation on your GSM. Forget, for the time being, that you have significant trouble walking, breathing and carrying on a simple chat simultaneously; but behind the wheel of a hurtling piece of machinery, you are multi-tasking incarnate.

    • Speed bumps (a.k.a.: ‘speed breakers’, ‘speed humps’, ‘sleeping policemen’ (other than the ROP)) come in several varieties:

    * those permanent, sharply peaked and which occur every 150 meters (in congested urban areas),
    * those semi-permanent, built by the same characters building the flyovers, bridges and roads which they never seem to complete and,
    * “orphan” speed bumps that have no warning sign and are obviously put there by those who run auto repair shops.

    Luckily, they are all handled in exactly the same way: drive as fast as possible towards them and brake heavily so that you come to a complete and total stop mere centimetres before them. Then you have the option of:

    * Driving as far to the left to avoid the more Himalayan part of the speed bump,
    * Driving as far to the right to avoid the more Himalayan part of the speed bump,
    * Or, slowly slalom over the speed bump so as to not bottom out your riced-out Nissan Sentra, 4WD Land Cruiser, or Lexus SUV.

    • Women in the Middle East have their own special set of driving rules:

    * Women nationals: Yes, you do own the road. Nothing is forbidden and everyone must make way for you to pass unhindered. This is especially true at roundabouts, uncontrolled intersections, flyovers, tarmac roads, graded roads, the shoulder of roads, the middle of roads…
    * Well-heeled Sub-Continental women: You think that because your husband has a decent paying job, he can afford something other than a Toyota Yaris or Nissan Sunny and that you left the kids with the maid for the day, that, yes, you do own the road. Nothing is forbidden and everyone must make way for you to pass unhindered. This is especially true at roundabouts, uncontrolled intersections, flyovers, tarmac roads, graded roads, the shoulder of roads, the middle of roads…

    • Ramadan is a time of great reverence, self-denial and spiritual growth. Therefore, there are special tips for driving during this blessed time:

    * During Ramadan, while you are duty-bound not to drink, smoke, eat, etc., you must always drive as fast as humanly possible so you can get to your home/village/tribe as dehydrated, tired and with as low as blood sugar possible so you can maximize your enjoyment of the coming night time.
    * If you are driving near dusk and Iftar falls, you must always drive as fast as humanly possible so you can get to the restaurant as dehydrated, tired and with as low as blood sugar possible so you can maximize your enjoyment of the coming night’s gorging.

    • Wadis pose their own set of traffic hazards.

    * When dry, wadis should be negotiated as fast as possible, so as to not let dust settle on, and defile the beauty, of your newly washed Porsche Cayenne or Hummer.
    * When in flood, wadis must be negotiated as fast as possible. This limits the time your car is exposed to the rocks/trees/ debris/etc., being carried by the raging floodwaters, minimizes the time your vehicle is exposed to the elements, with the added bonus of further swamping those inferiors who have tried the same manoeuvre and got bogged down. However, the fact that a mere 8 cm. of rapidly running water (and it’s load of wreckage), sluicing down the mountains in excess of 30km/h, has been known to sweep fully laden lorries downstream to their doom; you are, of course, exempt from this inconvenient law of physics.

    • Heavy trucks and flyovers have yet another set of rules by which they need to oblige. Since the construction methods and materials of the flyovers are of insufficient strength to support such traffic as a lorry full of sheep or a truckload of petrochemicals; you must exit before every flyover, pass underneath, only to emerge on the opposite side, rejoining the flow of traffic. However, the speeds at which you do this, in fact, the order in which you do this, is entirely left to the driver’s personal discretion or the lateness of the load at its destination.

    • Children in cars have their own set of rules. Under no circumstances should children be strapped, buckled or in any other way confined in the interior of a speeding vehicle. This would only inhibit their growth and wonder at the rapidly passing scenery. They should be encouraged to wander around the vehicle, to climb up on the rear deck of 4-door saloon cars and have a rest, sit in the passenger’s lap or, if the family is especially close, on the lap of the driver. Forgetting Newtonian laws which regard the actions of objects in motion (they tend to stay that way unless acted upon by an outside force; say an unexpected retaining wall, blown rear tire, or that overfull lorry on your right that you’re currently passing at 150 km/h which decides to make an unscheduled and unannounced left-hand turn), your children will have the unforgettable experience of being embraced by approximately 80-150kg of dead-weight (multiplied by the sudden deceleration of your vehicle) in the form of the passenger or driver whose lap they currently occupy, or the equally impressive experience of unfettered ballistic flight as they exit your now stationary vehicle through the windscreen. Remember, you love your children. No need to control or restrain them.

    • If you are driving and you find trash of any sort (candy wrappers, cigarette butts, used disposable diapers), you are free to simply toss them all out the window at your earliest convenience, preferably into oncoming traffic. After all, this is your country.

    • When you arrive at your destination, you may park literally anywhere: across pedestrian walkways, 3 meters away from any curb, in clearly marked “No Parking” zones, in the middle of the road, on the shoulder of the highway, take up to 5 normal parking spaces in a crowded mall lot, or park on top of walkways in front of particularly crowded stores or malls. After all, this is your country.

    • Learners are a special class of driver, easily recognizable by their white vehicles with red stripes and often road debris hanging from one or more bumpers. They are paying for the privilege of being taught how to pass without signalling, slam on the brakes and instantly reverse if they miss their exit on the highway, tailgate at soaring speeds, enter roundabouts at high rates of speed without looking and cut off and weave wildly whenever possible. Regular drivers should allow extra distance and exercise extraordinary care around these highway novices until they annoy the ROP enough to be let loose to drive on their own.

    • Pedestrians are of little concern for the national driver. They obviously are not of your class/standing/tribe or they’d be driving. It is therefore incumbent upon the national driver to first lull them into a false sense of security by appearing to slow at zebra crossings, only to gun the vehicle at the last minute and narrowly miss the individual; not only giving him a good scare, but exercising his cardiovascular system and adrenal glands for him. It’s practically a public service you provide free.

    • Hired drivers have, again, yet another set of rules to which the need to adhere; these include, but are not limited to, baisa bus, cab and particularly, school bus drivers. You must, at all times and in all conditions:

    * Drive as fast as humanly possible. If you don’t, someone else might get your fare.
    * Not use signals of any kind. If you do, someone else might speed ahead of you and get your fare.
    * Make abrupt, unscheduled and unexpected lane changes, left-hand turns from the right-hand lane and freestyle exits from dual carriageways. Failure to do so might result in someone else getting your fare.
    * Drive as if you are the only vehicle on the road. After all, you drive for a living, and all the others are simply private drivers without the benefit of your professional experience; therefore are inconsequential and probably dangerous.
    * Always drive in the farthest left lane possible. This enables you to travel the fastest, beat out others for fares and deliver current fares quickly. If an accident does occur, you will ensure that your fare will not survive, enabling you to search for healthier fares.
    * If a school bus driver, you will not discipline or even speak harshly to your passengers who are standing in the aisles, running around loose or hanging out windows. Besides, if you did, it would distract you from driving in the left lane, as swiftly as possible, to deliver your charges speedily to school so that they may learn things about the world: the strength of materials, destructive testing, or emergency medical procedures, for instance.

  • #2
    To be honest? I think these are the rules for everywhere. Especially here where I am.
    My Wajas cave

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    • #3
      I was going to say, were some of these lifted from the "secret" MA drivers handbook?
      "I am quite confident that I do exist."
      "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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