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  #291  
Old 05-02-2017, 01:14 AM
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Punishment: Maybe the Church of the Subgenious is more his speed. Let's pray to Jehovah 1 that Bob can set him straight.

Crime: SC decides that he wants to clean all of his clothes at the same time, so he does his laundry naked. Normally, this wouldn't be a problem, but he does his laundry at a laundromat in the middle of the day with children present.
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  #292  
Old 05-11-2017, 03:06 AM
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Punishment: A mother of an infant boy laughs at the man, claiming her son is hung better than he is. Then she changes the boy's diaper, proving her statement to be true. Everyone present laughs at the man who runs out the door crying.

Crime: Hackers hack into the store's webpage, posting pictures of barnyard porn where the ads for children's toys should be.
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  #293  
Old 06-22-2017, 06:54 AM
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Punishment: The website has a reflecting defense, which allows the porn to be turned back upon the hackers. They can't even check their e-mail now.

Crime: A man comes up to the restaurant's counter with his family. They say they didn't get their order. The trouble is, between every member of the family, they've managed to get their meal after all. Seven times. Where, oh where, are the food police?
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  #294  
Old 06-24-2017, 03:04 AM
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Punishment: Isn't modern technology wonderful? Security cameras in the restaurant caught the family not only eating their own meals but stealing the tips off of the other tables! Officer Friendly, having a cup of coffee at the counter, was very interested in the video; so interested that every member of the family got a lovely pair of shiny connected bracelets!

Crime: Grocery store customer picks his nose and wipes it on the produce.
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  #295  
Old 06-24-2017, 10:27 AM
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Punishment: The cashier, who has a flu that, were she not working retail, she'd be bedridden with, can't control it any longer. She sneezes and the fans direct the germs at that horrid S. C.

Crime: I feel like making a crime out of music again. Not one word about The Unsafety Dance at Glibby's Glass. So strike up the banned because here it comes (thought we all wish she wouldn't). . .

It's the little old shopper from Pasadena

The little old shopper from Pasadena
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
Got what she wanted at the deli yet still caused a scene there
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
She's sent all the electric carts to the garage
By the way that she drives them, while everyone else must dodge.

And everybody's sayin' that there's nobody meaner than
The little old shopper from Pasadena
She screams real loud and she drives bargains hard
And don't you dare give her flack about her (expired) credit card!
It's the little old shopper from Pasadena

If you see her in a store, go to the competition.
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
She knocks other elderly shoppers down like she's on a mission
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
But no matter what she does, she's always welcomed back
Because every C. E. O. in town have all got her back.

And everybody's sayin' that there's nobody meaner than
The Little Old shopper From Pasadena
She thinks the express lane is meant only for her
And if you dare to disagree, she'll club you with her purse.
It's the little old shopper from Pasadena

You can catch her all the time, but why would you want to?
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
The one person who bested her, she slapped with a lawsuit.
(Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go)
And she's famous for her coupons (Oh please, make her stop!)
By the time she was done, the store paid her to shop!

And everybody's sayin' that there's nobody meaner than
The little old shopper from Pasadena
She tells people what they can and can't buy though they're total strangers
Plus, the way she left the bathroom made it a complete danger . . .
It's the little old shopper from Pasadena

Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go (come on granny, go)
Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go (come on granny, go)
Go away granny, go away granny, go away granny, go (come on granny, go)
And so on and so on.

We're needing a counter-song, and a voodoo doll here!
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  #296  
Old 07-09-2017, 05:50 PM
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Punishment: Whoever wrote this song is getting a paper cutter.

Crime: SC decides that scaring cats would be hilarious. SC brings a recording of barking dogs and plays it at the local cat shelter.
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  #297  
Old 09-30-2017, 10:06 AM
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Punishment: This is why kitties have claws. There's not much left of the SC by the time they're through.

Crime: SC has learned their lesson. They're not going to get caught, oh no. See, they stole the hot new movie from Kay's Mart, but they never unwrapped it. This is a means of getting money, but this SC has learned from the telly what happens if you steal from a store and then try to return that merchandise there for money. But it didn't show what happens when you try to return the sealed package at another store. So SC stole from Kay's Mart, didn't unwrap it, and then brought the hot new movie to Sprawl Mart and returned it there.

Will they get away with this?
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  #298  
Old 10-01-2017, 07:05 PM
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Punishment: Kay's Mart has a very good security camera setup. Full color, sound, everything. They got a good video of the SC pocketing the movie and the manager, being one who cares about fair play, e-mailed copies of the video to every store in the city that sells movies, as well as the local police. The Sprawl Mart manager has seen this video, saw the SC coming into the store with the movie, and has called the police while the SC waits in the very long returns line. The police show up before SC returns his movie and arrest him.

Crime: Rob R. Chex has had his checks bounce at every store in town. Now his check has been refused at the grocery store. He proceeds to throw a tantrum and demolish half the store.
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  #299  
Old 10-02-2017, 05:41 AM
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Punishment: Unfortunately for Mr. Chex, the grocery store owner is into "littles." She decides if Mr. Chex was acting like a big baby, then she was going to turn him into a big baby. She selects a crib, ties him up tucks him in, gags gives him a binky, dresses him in a baby outfit, and *sniff, sniff* what's that smell? Someone did a stinky! It's time to change baby bobby's diaper!

The store owner, known in adult baby circles as Mommy Beatrix, uploads pictures and videos of her brand new baby to the internet. She not only makes enough to cover the damage to her store, but she is able to pay off the other store owners and make a nice, tidy profit. She might just adopt baby bobby.

Beatrix: "Who's a cute little criminal? Yes, you are. Yes, you are."
Baby bobby:


Crime: Sucky landlord runs an apartment building. He brings his male lover to a unit to "check his temperature." The only problem is that the landlord is currently renting this unit out to a young couple. The renter caught the whole adventure on video. Oops!

Yes, that actually happened.
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  #300  
Old 01-18-2018, 08:22 PM
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Punishment: The landlord is forced to sell his apartment building to pay his lawyer. His new cell mate uses the former landlord's prison uniform to wipe up stains.

Crime: The SC walks into a music store. He wants the clerk to "play" his "instrument" allegro.
__________________
This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.
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