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  • Dear Miss Noid,

    If you don't like our music, don't listen to it or watch it. We have plenty of fans that enjoy our music.

    Sincerely,

    Lead Singer



    Dear Restaurant Manager,

    Where do you get off not accepting credit cards? Don't you realize that some people don't carry cash and some, like me, are allergic? I demand you start accepting credit cards at once. If you don't, I will sue for discrimination against allergies.

    Sincerely,

    Al L. Ergictocash
    My Fanfic Page
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    Comment


    • Dear Mr. Ergictocash,

      We refused to honor your credit cards, because your I. D. says Mr. Al L. Ergictocash, but the name on your credit cards was Mrs. Carrie Les Withmypurse. Your name doesn't match the name on the card, so we couldn't let it run.

      Our security cameras show that Miss Withmypurse left her purse in her trolley when she went to the loo, and that you came up and took her wallet out. And you certainly weren't allergic to the cash you lifted from her wallet, were you?

      Naturally, the cops have been called.

      P. S., don't mind the nasal drippings all over this letter. Crooks make my nose run and run and run . . .

      Toodle-loo,

      Mr. Al L Ergictocrooks.

      ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

      Dear Y-Mobile,

      You people call yourselves the Don't Carrier, and now I understand why. When I called your telephone service line, I only got people who don't care about their clientele one damned bit.

      See, my service was disconnected, and nobody sent me notice. So I was just using my phone until suddenly it was shut off without telling me. How can you do this? I borrowed a phone from my grandmother, without actually asking her or letting her know that I took it from her purse and kept it when she visited me last week. On her phone, I was able to talk to your heartless phone service reps.

      They told me bluntly that not paying one's bill for six months straight, constantly challenging all charges, demanding credits every time I call, and so forth, all added up to the reps being told by the new manager, Ms. Wittha Spinne, that from now on, I'm going to pay my entire bill without any further freebies or discounts.

      Next thing I know, I'm switched off to people who don't speak a word of English. They say they're from the billing department, and they insist that I'm to pay the whole bill before I get service back on. Mind you, I can't understand a word they were saying the moment they insisted I pay my bill in full. [I]They[I] must have stopped speaking English, because I stopped being able to comprehend what they said.

      I demand my phone turned back on, and given to me absolutely free for the rest of my life. I also want you to fire Ms. Wittha Spinne, and get people in your billing department who speak only perfect, plain, American English! Then throw in a million dollars for all my trouble!

      If my demands are not met, not only will I take my service to Horizon. And I'll sue you in court! Plus, if that doesn't work, I know hackers who can jam and destroy your services. If I can't get my way, your service will be destroyed!

      Signed,

      Miss Neve R. Spenda-Dime.
      Last edited by Kristev; 09-30-2017, 10:37 AM.
      Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

      Comment


      • Dear Miss Spenda-Dime,

        Your grandma stopped in and reported her missing phone. Now that we know what happened, you will be charged for using her phone and for threatening us as soon as the police are contacted.

        Sincerely,

        S. Upport
        Manager



        Dear Convenience Store Manager,

        I came to your store to buy cigarettes for my parents Virginia and Winston. Your rude employee refused to sell them to me even though I had a permission note from my parents just because I showed my school ID which stated that I was 12 years old. I demand you tell your employees to honor permission notes or fire them. If you don't, I will smoke in your store on my 18th birthday.

        Sincerely,

        Eve Newport
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        Comment


        • Dear Miss Newport,

          You are not old enough to buy cigarettes, even if you have a note from your parents, which you didn't. Parents don't normally write in crayon. If we find that you smoke in our store, we will assume you are on fire and douse you with water. We are, however, going to notify child protective services that your parents allow you to smoke.

          Sincerely,

          Don T. Youdoit,

          Manager,

          What You Need Mart.

          -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

          Dear In The Money Financial Advisors,

          I was getting tired of having all my money disappear from my wallet on payday, and so were my bill collectors. And so, my friend, Prudence, told me that she had gone to your company to get advice on how to control her money and make it "Work for her," as your company puts it. Prudence is doing great. She actually has a savings account. Too bad she only goes out to eat twice a week instead of every night now, and only at cheap places. I love my glass of wine and my favorite dinners at Conspicuous Consumption restaurant. She's no fun anymore, because she won't go with me to Sprawl-Mart once I got paid like she used to. She still goes to Sprawl-Mart, but only because she needs groceries, she says, and she's learned to read the price per serving or something like that, to be sure she's getting the best bargain.
          Why, she's even started shopping at Cost-Less-Co! Only poor people and the homeless shop at Cost-Less-Co! It's so demeaning to even be seen with people like that! But Prudence buys things there intentionally. I can't bring myself to do that.

          So anyway, I was assigned a coach, Miss Suzette Morning, who told me that I was to enjoy my money. Well, I loved hearing that. But the rest of what she said was a blur.
          All I remember was that she gave me permission to buy a car, and some silly piffle about paying for it by staying out of Sprawl-Mart. And some nonsense about having a financial accountability buddy to call when I feel like shopping for non-essentials. We also worked out a list of what Suzette considered essentials I could buy, and non-essentials I could only buy when I got bonuses (which we do every quarter).

          Well, I went out and got my car, but a far more luxurious and flashy module than Suzette said I should get. Why should I buy a dully, grey, blotchy, ugly thing for two-hundred dollars a month when I could get a beautiful car to make everyone green with envy for four-hundred and fifty a month?

          Just last week, I went to Sprawl-Mart and found such bargains. Skiing things, new winter clothes, scuba gear, you name it, I bought it. It was wonderful. Except that I called Prudence, who had agreed to be my accountability buddy, when my rent check bounced. I asked her for help, and she said that wasn't the point of having a buddy - that I was to call her while I was at Sprawl-Mart, not after I'd spent myself into disaster! Prudence reminded me that this wasn't the first time this kind of thing had happened. One night, I was home with the girls, and we called Pizza Hot, ordering bundles of pizza for my planned party, but I discovered that my debit card was maxed out when it was time to pay the bill, so all the girls had to cover the pizzas collectively.
          Marie was so mad, she threatened to take my shiny earrings that are too beautiful to wear, so I put them in glass on my mantelpiece.

          Now I can't afford my car, and it's all Suzette's fault! I did almost exactly what Suzette Morning told me to do. I just added a few things to the list of essentials. After all, I want to go skiing, I just can't afford to do it this year like I hoped. Maybe the bank will give me a loan?

          My point is, I've been brought to the brink of financial ruin, to the point where they repossessed my car right in front of all my neighbors, and I'm on the verge of losing my apartment! And I've got so many wonderful things in my house now that I can barely move. My housekeeper, who just quit because I hadn't paid her in a month, told me that she's heard of a man named Tras H. Keeper in the news and that I was starting to remind her of him.
          I web-searched him, and was offended that she'd compare me to him! I would've fired her if she hadn't quit on me.

          I can't be expected to clean my own apartment! I'm too busy shopping. After all, I can't wear the same clothes to work twice!

          If you don't reimburse me every dime that I'm out, and help me pay off all my bills, I will file a lawsuit. It's happened to your company before. And I've got powerful friends, since I have a lot of corporate clients who use my services at work. I can tell the entire business community what you've done! You haven't saved me, you've brought me to ruin, and I expect to be given five billion dollars in compensation for what I've had to face. None of this is my fault! I only did what Suzette told me to do. Now you're going to pay, because if you don't, not only will I sue and make your company's name mud all over the corporate world, I will also
          drive the horrible old gray car my brother lent me after my lovely car was repossessed, straight into your building!

          Furiously yours,

          Miss Construed.
          Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

          Comment


          • Dear Miss Construed,

            We want you to enjoy your money but also be responsible for it. Therefore, we will work out a plan to help you out.

            Please don't run the car into our building. If you do, we will take legal action against you.

            Sincerely,

            M. O. Neyisfun
            Manager



            Dear Dave & Busters Manager,

            I recently came to your place to have a nice dinner and play some games. The dinner was delicious but I had trouble with the games.
            When I played the games, I couldn't get very many tickets. On this one game where you can turn in cards for tickets, I didn't get a single one but purplecat41877 got three of them. In fact, she was winning more tickets than I was. She even placed 2nd on a puzzle solving game and all I got was 4 tickets.
            Purplecat41877 was also playing a music keyboard game like it was the most natural thing in the world and kept ending up on the leaderboard. I kept missing notes because I was rushing and got very few tickets.
            I demand you make the games easy to play and guarantee 100 tickets per game even I lose the game. If you don't, I will hack into your system and load my playcard with as many tickets as I want.

            Sincerely,

            Wanda Bea Winner
            My Fanfic Page
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            Comment


            • Dear Wanda,

              The games are easy to play. You're just not very good at them. I recommend you practice a bit, you'll get better.

              Sincerely,
              Dave & Busters

              * * * * *

              Dear Grumbels Dept. Store,

              Yoo-hoo, I'm back! I came to your lovely store to spread Christmas cheer and your stockboys ran as fast as they could from me and called security on me! Well, I won't have that! You retrain them to love Christmas as much as I do, or I'll have them over for Christmas dinner...literally!

              Sincerely,
              Mary Christmas-Freak

              (I saw today's Retail cartoon and it reminded me of the crazy character cindybubbles created on these pages. Couldn't resist a bit of nostalgia!)
              Last edited by XCashier; 12-03-2017, 11:50 PM.
              I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
              My LiveJournal
              A page we can all agree with!

              Comment


              • Dear Mrs. Christmas-Freak,

                We were scared when we heard that you escaped. However, thanks to your letter, we know where to send the U.S. Marshals. Thank you for your letter.

                Sincerely,

                Maria

                ----------

                Dear Poetry Club,

                I want to join your club
                This issue is the rub
                You've done it this time
                I don't know how to rhyme
                All my poems I do flub.

                Sincerely,

                Matty Patty
                This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

                I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

                Comment


                • A wannabe poet named Matty
                  Wrote poems that were really quite batty
                  We hadn't the time
                  for her meter or rhyme
                  which read like a fresh-laid cow patty.

                  ---------------

                  Dear Mega Record Company CEO:

                  How dare you reject my demo tape and not give me a recording contract! I spent a lot of time writing all those songs ("Get You Naked" and "My Girl's Butt" are hits, I don't care what anyone says). Is it because I had to record it on cheap equipment?

                  I'm a better singer than all those people on those dumb TV shows! And my songs are better than the ones that just repeat the same word or phrase over and over again! You could have had your chance to sign someone who will be the biggest country artist in history! I even picked out a stage name for myself: Bobby Ray Singer.

                  So I demand $5 billion dollars, my own recording studio, and a public apology on all the cable news networks and all the music channels!

                  If you don't, I'll come to your studio, break all your recording equipment, and smash all the masters I find!

                  Musically,

                  I. Wanna Sing
                  Last edited by mjr; 12-04-2017, 05:13 PM.
                  Skilled programmers aren't cheap. Cheap programmers aren't skilled.

                  Comment


                  • Dear Mr. Sing,

                    You're singing was way out of tune. Enclosed is a list a teachers who give vocal singing lessons. Please don't destroy any of our stuff, though. If you do, we'll have no choice but to contact the police.

                    Sincerely,

                    Ree Corder
                    Manager



                    Dear Supermarket Manager,

                    You had no right to fire me! All I did was eat large bills! I demand my job back and to be allowed to eat all the money I want! If you don't, I will break into the vending machine outside and eat all the money!

                    Sincerely,

                    Anita Eatmoney
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                    Comment


                    • Dear Anita,

                      We cannot have you eating our money. Aside from losing our profits, you really don't know where that stuff has been, do you? People stuff it in their bras, socks, underwear, you name it. It's covered in bodily fluids, dirt and bacteria, and you want to eat it?!

                      Enclosed is a list of physicians who are good at treating pica and other eating disorders. I urge you to contact them and get help with your problem.

                      Very sincerely,
                      Karen Aboutyou, manager
                      Healthy Harvest Supermarket

                      * * * * *

                      Dear Highend Department Store,

                      I was shopping in your store when I had to use the restroom. While you do have restrooms on both floors, they're public restrooms. Heaven knows what kind of hoodlums and lowlifes use and dirty up those places! But I'm sure you keep your employee restrooms much cleaner, so I went through the Employees Only door to find them.

                      One of your employees had the nerve to tell me to leave! She said there were no restrooms back there, that they had to use the same ones the public used and that she'd cleaned them half an hour ago, and some silly thing about your insurance not allowing for customers to be in the stock room. What utter nonsense! I knew she was lying to me so I ran from her deeper into the stockroom, and got clipped by a forklift!

                      Needless to say, I will be suing you for every penny you've got. I'll see you in court! Bring your checkbook!

                      Regards,
                      Kent Botherto-Listen
                      I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
                      My LiveJournal
                      A page we can all agree with!

                      Comment


                      • Dear Mr. Botherto-Listen

                        We were having our employee bathroom renovated, which means that they were using dangerous tools, such as saws. So for that time period, yes, the staff had to use the same bathroom that you did, and it was too dangerous for you to go back there. Not that you were allowed to go in there in the first place!

                        We have signs all over the place saying that you can't be back there. You may not be willing to read, but judges are.

                        And by the way, we have a witness who saw you intentionally cut yourself on our forklift. Sorry, but you're fired as a customer.

                        Cheers,

                        Miss Lotta Warning Signs,
                        Risk Manager, Highend Department Store.

                        ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                        Dear Angels and Elves Holiday Shoppe,

                        Your store just started to have Santa in it, to come in and have the kids sit on Santa's lap and tell him what they wanted. Your store also had a promotion - that they would hand out free (small, cheap, but still thoughtful and fun) gifts to kids that behaved themselves while waiting in the rather long line. Basically, all the kids got a gift unless they behaved really badly.

                        My son pushed and kicked and got to the front of the line. The angel assistant and the elf photographer asked me to take him out of the line, but Santa overruled them and told my son to come up to him. At least Santa saw my son's value and his superiority over the other brats.

                        Santa asks my son what he wants, and my son says he wants the Playing With Fire toy he saw on a television commercial. But Santa said that he saw that commercial and that that wasn't a toy, it was a dangerous weapon that can start fires, and can burn you if you mishandle it, and that he shouldn't have one. How dare he say that to my kid?

                        Santa suggested a tool kit, but my poor Donald was horrified. And angry. Naturally, my kid kicked him in the shins and ran to me, knocking over the tree along the way. Then my sweet little cherub stomped all over the ornaments until he screamed. I rushed to my son, and it seems that he'd cut his foot on broken glass! I grabbed my son and told all of your employees off, then took him out of the store. As we were leaving, he took the bag of little presents, too, but I think that's perfectly fair. My son cut his foot!

                        Of course, I took his straight to the hospital. The medical staff acted as if I'd done something wrong, and they told me my son's foot was seriously injured. He couldn't walk for two days!

                        That's two days of me taking him to the hospital and having to sit with him all day and night, and two days of missed work because I belong with my precious little baby. My son is traumatized from this horrible experience, and I demand recompense. That Santa is personally going to bring my son the Playing With Fire device, and apologize to him. If he doesn't, I'll come back with one of my own and I'll burn your store down!

                        Then there's my lawsuit. I'm thinking ten million dollars for having unsafe ornaments on your floor due to a falling Christmas tree, and the firing of that Santa and his entire team, in fact, the entire staff of the store, should be adequate.

                        Trust me, you want to give me what I've asked for. It's better for everyone involved. Because I got two of those Playing With Fire things. One is for Donald, and the other one is for your store if I don't get my way.

                        Signed,

                        Miss Anne Dulgent, proud mother of Donald Dulgent.
                        Last edited by Kristev; 12-15-2017, 01:03 AM.
                        Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                        Comment


                        • Dear Miss Dulgent,

                          Your son destroyed our property and you threatened us. Therefore, both of you are banned.

                          Sincerely,

                          Ann Gel
                          Owner



                          Dear Jewerly Store Manager,

                          You had no right to fire me! I didn't do anything! I demand you give me my job back at once! If you don't, I will post on Facebook that you make your employees work!

                          Sincerely,

                          Lacey Bones
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                          Comment


                          • Quoth purplecat41877 View Post
                            ... I will post on Facebook ...
                            Didn't you mean to say "... fece on Postbook ..." ?
                            I am not an a**hole. I am a hemorrhoid. I irritate a**holes!
                            Procrastination: Forward planning to insure there is something to do tomorrow.
                            Derails threads faster than a pocket nuke.

                            Comment


                            • OOC: I believe this will be my final letter.

                              BIC:

                              Dear Lacey Bones,

                              That's the reason you were fired. You didn't do anything. All day. We had several customers who tried to get your attention. A lucky few were able to get another staff's attention, but most of the rest just left and went to our competition.
                              You didn't do anything when a fire broke out in the boutique next door and all the smoke alarms kept going off in every building in the complex. We had to drag you out!
                              And you didn't do anything when a gunman came in and robbed our store! You let him take the money from the register, and you let him clean out the jewelry cases. While this we can forgive, you also didn't call the police, even after he left. You didn't call any member of our dozens of managers either. In fact, you did absolutely nothing.

                              Normally, we'd put you in the manager training program, but the fact is, we're at full capacity on our management team. We need workers, and face it, Lacey, that's not you.

                              Farewell,

                              Mrs. Gem Stone,

                              Manager number 4321 of Queen of Diamonds Jewelers.

                              ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

                              Dear Ocean World,

                              I went to the Ocean World across the street from one of the world's largest and busiest airports, for your big event, which was drawing crowds from all over the world thanks to the airport. It was the very first look at the first great white sharks born in captivity. Though the park's marine biologist and her assists looked quite angry with the park's manager for allowing crowds anywhere near the display tank, first during the birth and then afterwards, to see the babies, the crowds were both excited and scared.

                              And I was riveted. I just couldn't help but get a good, up close view. So I pushed my way through everyone until I came right up to the tank. People were in my way, so I just pushed them with my hands, and after a while, people finally did the smart thing and let me through, up to the edge of the tank.

                              The biologist sent her assistant down to me, and he said something about "Not pressing myself against the tank . . ." I didn't listen to him. All I did was cough my lungs out, and he backed off just like everyone else did.
                              Then at that point, the park biologist noticed that I'd been leaving a trail of snot everywhere and called her assistant off of me. Keeping her distance, she told him to go to the infirmary, and told me I was too close to the tank and needed to get back, or get out.
                              I coughed in her direction, and she made herself scarce. So, since by now everyone had given me a wide berth, I just went up to the top of the tank and tried to reach out and touch a baby.

                              Mother didn't like that and tried to bite me! She tried to bite me! How dare you let me get so close to a killer shark? Next thing I know, two security men are running my way when some busybody Brit screams out to them that they'll need masks and gloves before they touch me. She's wearing them too, and gives them to the security guards, then they put them on and drag me away from the tank.

                              Then the biologist comes back and she declares that the show's over because now the mother is agitated and there's no telling what she's going to do. The park's owner is not happy with this, as he starts yelling at the biologist . . . until the mother shark bites him in half.

                              The two security guards drag me away, but the busybody Brit doesn't let anyone else leave. She tells the crowd that she's a doctor and that I've been showing signs of carrying a dangerous virus. The British doctor also tells everyone that if they've touched me at all, or if I've touched them, they need to go be checked out at a nearby hospital.

                              Then the doctor turned to me and told me she wanted to run some tests on me to make sure I had the virus she feared that I had. It turns out that she works at the infirmary here at Ocean World and was sent by the biologist's assistant after he got there and told her what symptoms I was showing.

                              Now, I'm being sued by all these people I don't even know for making them sick with a dangerous virus that they'd all be dead from if that doctor hadn't scared them all into seeking emergency treatment at the hospital! So I'm suing you for allowing that mother shark to nearly bite me!

                              I demand a trillion dollars, free passes to Ocean World for the rest of my life, the firing of the doctor and the biologist, and one of those baby great whites whom, by now, the newspapers said, you've released into the sea along with the mother because they couldn't survive in captivity any longer after my intrusion . . . or something like that.

                              And I want to be given a public apology from Ocean World. In fact, you can make me the new owner. It's not like you don't have a vacancy.

                              If you don't, I happen to be a lab tech in a place where they make new viruses and bolster old ones. I know how to spread a disease in a large public vector. But do it quick because I'm not feeling very well any longer. In fact, I've had to call in to work over the last two days. So bring me a doctor, but not that busybody Brit. We can do without her.

                              Signed,

                              Mr. Khan Tagious.
                              Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                              Comment


                              • Dear Mr. Tagious,

                                You infected lots of people with your disease. In the future, stay away if you have any cold or disease.

                                Sincerely,

                                O. C. Ean Manager



                                Dear Restaurant Manager,

                                We were at your restaurant and we had a problem with your waitress. Although our meal was delicious, she didn't give us 100% of her attention. She also served other customers.
                                I demand you give us a waitress or waiter that will only wait on us when we come to your restaurant or we will burn all of the lettuce in the kitchen.

                                Sincerely,

                                Anita & Wanda Personalserver
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                                Comment

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