This is a rant my best friend wrote a week or so ago, and she gave me permission to post it here for your amusement:
~*~
You know, I hardly ever think something is tacky. I find the humor in just about anything. But alas, I have found something that doesn't make even me laugh when it should, by all rights, be funny.
I work at a gas station now. And every so often, a guy will power-walk through the door, glance around for a moment, and then rush towards the counter and ask, "Do you sell condoms?"
I'm not one to be embarrassed by this sort of thing. Just about everyone has sex at some point, and who am I to judge the poor guy who has a good-looking, safe-sex-practicing girl waiting in his beat-up Volkswagon parked haphazardly out front? People buy condoms from me all the time; usually they just toss them on the counter, calm as could be, with a couple of other random items. And I scan the barcode on the Trojan box and tell them the price and take their money or scan their cards, then go on about my day. It's only the power-walkers that are starting to bother me, because the power-walkers are the ones who are quite obviously in too much of a hurry to check the shelves themselves.
And when some pitiful, anxious soul rushes in and asks me to help him get laid, I have to tell him, "Condoms are in the second aisle. Right under the Slim Jims."
I wish I had some other landmark I could use, but I really, really don't. I did try "Make a left turn at the Monster tank," but the guy just looked at me funny, obviously not understanding that I meant the large pink box-shaped structure full of ice and cans of Monster energy drink and bottles of Power Ade. And for some strange reason, we have six different displays of potato chips, and the last thing I need is a horny guy bouncing around my store like it's an obstacle course because I told him to make a right turn at the chips. I even tried just leaving it at "aisle two," but our aisles aren't marked by number and even saying "aisle two" tends to confuse the shit out of people. We have four different shelves with three walkways between them and space on either side, making for-- in my opinion-- five aisles, though other people seemed to think that "aisle two" must mean "way in the back by the beer" or "in the back storeroom that customers aren't allowed in."
So the only landmark that Mr. I-Need-Condoms-NOW can see from my counter is the Slim Jims. And I'm sorry, but there's just something really OFF about telling a guy to look for condoms by the Slim Jims. It never sounds right. And it's not like I can refer to the Slim Jims by something else-- because from what I understand of Slim Jims (which I never eat), they're really just sticks of beef jerky, which would sound even worse. "Condoms? Look for the beef jerky." Try saying that out loud in public to a guy who already isn't thinking straight.
I'm still trying to think of ways to fix this problem. I doubt my manager would approve the purchase of a nice big neon sign that said "Condoms are over here, idiot." I've tried every other possible way of pointing them out, but there's pretty much always confusion unless the guy can turn and immediately zero in on the red-and-yellow Slim Jim display. What else can I do? Walk the guy over to the shelf and say, "Here you go, sir. I recommend these ones myself, but it's your money."
It should be funny. It really should. A guy comes in desperate for condoms, that's pretty amusing. He practically begs me to tell him where the last necessary requirement for getting laid is. I have to tell him to look for beek jerky sticks to find them. And he's always back in twenty seconds flat, telepathically screaming at me to hurry and usually asking for a pack of cigarettes, too. That should, by all rights, crack me up. Instead it just comes out tacky. And I don't think anything is tacky. Ever.
I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. But please, if you're reading this, the next time you're pressed for time and looking for condoms, before you ask the gas station attendant for help, check over by the Slim Jims.
~*~
You know, I hardly ever think something is tacky. I find the humor in just about anything. But alas, I have found something that doesn't make even me laugh when it should, by all rights, be funny.
I work at a gas station now. And every so often, a guy will power-walk through the door, glance around for a moment, and then rush towards the counter and ask, "Do you sell condoms?"
I'm not one to be embarrassed by this sort of thing. Just about everyone has sex at some point, and who am I to judge the poor guy who has a good-looking, safe-sex-practicing girl waiting in his beat-up Volkswagon parked haphazardly out front? People buy condoms from me all the time; usually they just toss them on the counter, calm as could be, with a couple of other random items. And I scan the barcode on the Trojan box and tell them the price and take their money or scan their cards, then go on about my day. It's only the power-walkers that are starting to bother me, because the power-walkers are the ones who are quite obviously in too much of a hurry to check the shelves themselves.
And when some pitiful, anxious soul rushes in and asks me to help him get laid, I have to tell him, "Condoms are in the second aisle. Right under the Slim Jims."
I wish I had some other landmark I could use, but I really, really don't. I did try "Make a left turn at the Monster tank," but the guy just looked at me funny, obviously not understanding that I meant the large pink box-shaped structure full of ice and cans of Monster energy drink and bottles of Power Ade. And for some strange reason, we have six different displays of potato chips, and the last thing I need is a horny guy bouncing around my store like it's an obstacle course because I told him to make a right turn at the chips. I even tried just leaving it at "aisle two," but our aisles aren't marked by number and even saying "aisle two" tends to confuse the shit out of people. We have four different shelves with three walkways between them and space on either side, making for-- in my opinion-- five aisles, though other people seemed to think that "aisle two" must mean "way in the back by the beer" or "in the back storeroom that customers aren't allowed in."
So the only landmark that Mr. I-Need-Condoms-NOW can see from my counter is the Slim Jims. And I'm sorry, but there's just something really OFF about telling a guy to look for condoms by the Slim Jims. It never sounds right. And it's not like I can refer to the Slim Jims by something else-- because from what I understand of Slim Jims (which I never eat), they're really just sticks of beef jerky, which would sound even worse. "Condoms? Look for the beef jerky." Try saying that out loud in public to a guy who already isn't thinking straight.
I'm still trying to think of ways to fix this problem. I doubt my manager would approve the purchase of a nice big neon sign that said "Condoms are over here, idiot." I've tried every other possible way of pointing them out, but there's pretty much always confusion unless the guy can turn and immediately zero in on the red-and-yellow Slim Jim display. What else can I do? Walk the guy over to the shelf and say, "Here you go, sir. I recommend these ones myself, but it's your money."
It should be funny. It really should. A guy comes in desperate for condoms, that's pretty amusing. He practically begs me to tell him where the last necessary requirement for getting laid is. I have to tell him to look for beek jerky sticks to find them. And he's always back in twenty seconds flat, telepathically screaming at me to hurry and usually asking for a pack of cigarettes, too. That should, by all rights, crack me up. Instead it just comes out tacky. And I don't think anything is tacky. Ever.
I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. But please, if you're reading this, the next time you're pressed for time and looking for condoms, before you ask the gas station attendant for help, check over by the Slim Jims.
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