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  • Find Your Own Damn Condoms, Pal

    This is a rant my best friend wrote a week or so ago, and she gave me permission to post it here for your amusement:

    ~*~

    You know, I hardly ever think something is tacky. I find the humor in just about anything. But alas, I have found something that doesn't make even me laugh when it should, by all rights, be funny.

    I work at a gas station now. And every so often, a guy will power-walk through the door, glance around for a moment, and then rush towards the counter and ask, "Do you sell condoms?"

    I'm not one to be embarrassed by this sort of thing. Just about everyone has sex at some point, and who am I to judge the poor guy who has a good-looking, safe-sex-practicing girl waiting in his beat-up Volkswagon parked haphazardly out front? People buy condoms from me all the time; usually they just toss them on the counter, calm as could be, with a couple of other random items. And I scan the barcode on the Trojan box and tell them the price and take their money or scan their cards, then go on about my day. It's only the power-walkers that are starting to bother me, because the power-walkers are the ones who are quite obviously in too much of a hurry to check the shelves themselves.

    And when some pitiful, anxious soul rushes in and asks me to help him get laid, I have to tell him, "Condoms are in the second aisle. Right under the Slim Jims."

    I wish I had some other landmark I could use, but I really, really don't. I did try "Make a left turn at the Monster tank," but the guy just looked at me funny, obviously not understanding that I meant the large pink box-shaped structure full of ice and cans of Monster energy drink and bottles of Power Ade. And for some strange reason, we have six different displays of potato chips, and the last thing I need is a horny guy bouncing around my store like it's an obstacle course because I told him to make a right turn at the chips. I even tried just leaving it at "aisle two," but our aisles aren't marked by number and even saying "aisle two" tends to confuse the shit out of people. We have four different shelves with three walkways between them and space on either side, making for-- in my opinion-- five aisles, though other people seemed to think that "aisle two" must mean "way in the back by the beer" or "in the back storeroom that customers aren't allowed in."

    So the only landmark that Mr. I-Need-Condoms-NOW can see from my counter is the Slim Jims. And I'm sorry, but there's just something really OFF about telling a guy to look for condoms by the Slim Jims. It never sounds right. And it's not like I can refer to the Slim Jims by something else-- because from what I understand of Slim Jims (which I never eat), they're really just sticks of beef jerky, which would sound even worse. "Condoms? Look for the beef jerky." Try saying that out loud in public to a guy who already isn't thinking straight.

    I'm still trying to think of ways to fix this problem. I doubt my manager would approve the purchase of a nice big neon sign that said "Condoms are over here, idiot." I've tried every other possible way of pointing them out, but there's pretty much always confusion unless the guy can turn and immediately zero in on the red-and-yellow Slim Jim display. What else can I do? Walk the guy over to the shelf and say, "Here you go, sir. I recommend these ones myself, but it's your money."

    It should be funny. It really should. A guy comes in desperate for condoms, that's pretty amusing. He practically begs me to tell him where the last necessary requirement for getting laid is. I have to tell him to look for beek jerky sticks to find them. And he's always back in twenty seconds flat, telepathically screaming at me to hurry and usually asking for a pack of cigarettes, too. That should, by all rights, crack me up. Instead it just comes out tacky. And I don't think anything is tacky. Ever.

    I suppose I'll just have to get used to it. But please, if you're reading this, the next time you're pressed for time and looking for condoms, before you ask the gas station attendant for help, check over by the Slim Jims.
    A good fight is like a stick of broccoli, but different. Ich esse grĂ¼ne Bohnen im Nude. ~ "Of Love and Bunnies"

  • #2
    Up where I am they keep the condoms behind the counter at a lot of gas stations so you have to ask. It can be embarrassing sometimes cause a lot of the places are family owned, and by boyfriend and I have had to ask for condoms while dressed up quite gothily in front of the owner and his young children. Makes you feel kinda dirty :P

    That said, it is better than the drug store near my house, cause the very friendly lady who works there looks and sounds exactly like my grandmother. Yes, grandma, I would like the large pack of condoms, some lube and my pills, please. *wince*

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    • #3
      Quoth Brynhild View Post
      "Condoms? Look for the beef jerky."

      That is too funny! I think it is the perfect marker term to describe the location.

      If the guy is not mentally able too to get the humor, at least you can be sure he will know what jerky is.
      "Ignorance is no excuse for a law."
      .................................................. ..................- Alfred E. Newman

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      • #4
        So are these guys just having sex so often they don't know they're running out of condoms, or is it that they haven't been laid in 10 years and this is thier ONE chance.... so they haven't kept any condoms around..... I just don't understand if you're going to have sex, shouldn't you keep at least a few condoms at your house, in your car, or someplace else you can easily get to them?

        But funny. Very funny story.

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        • #5
          "Get thee to Wal-Mart and buy the 36 pack for $12.99+ tax...you'll have extras and the price per condom is cheaper."
          Unseen but seeing
          oh dear, now they're masquerading as sane-KiaKat
          There isn't enough interpretive dance in the workplace these days-Irv
          3rd shift needs love, too
          RIP, mo bhrionglĂ³id

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          • #6
            The price per concom might be lower, but after you figure the 30+ that never get used, it ends up being much more expensive. *snicker*

            For the convenience store, maybe the condoms can be moved to either one of the outside aisles, or to the aisle straight out from the register (if the place is laid out that way).

            ^-.-^
            Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

            Comment


            • #7
              Slim Jims -- wrapped meat.

              In my corner of the world, there's an everything-for-a-dollar store that sells boxes of a dozen condoms. 12 condoms for $1.

              The grocery store where I go has condoms out on racks... except for Magnums, which are kept in a locked case. I don't know if the theft rate is higher for Magnums, or if someone thinks it's just a real hoot to make certain men, um, stand and declare themselves in public: "Hi. I have an oversized penis. I'm going to be using it soon. I need your help."

              And, of course, the cashier doesn't have the key. So, the cashier gets to shout, "Hey, anybody here got the key to the display case? This guy on aisle 2 needs a box of Magnums."

              Not that I have any personal experience with this...
              I was neat, clean, shaved and sober, and I didn't care who knew it. -- Raymond Chandler

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth TNT View Post
                The grocery store where I go has condoms out on racks... except for Magnums, which are kept in a locked case. I don't know if the theft rate is higher for Magnums, or if someone thinks it's just a real hoot to make certain men, um, stand and declare themselves in public: "Hi. I have an oversized penis. I'm going to be using it soon. I need your help."
                That guy should get his girlfriend to go get them for him. I've always enjoyed the envious stares I get when I have to go retrieve...y'know? I'm going to stop right there.

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                • #9
                  Of course those amongst us with allergies to latex have such a fun time finding things.

                  My friend went into a convience store and asked the clerk for condoms. Guy tries to hand him Magnums. My friend's reply was "thanks for the compliment, but no, I have enough socks"

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                  • #10
                    I only "stocked up" on condoms once in my life, in what could only have been a fit of delusional optimism.
                    I used three and the rest expired. Expired. Do you know what the shelf life of those things are? Years.

                    If you have to ask, it's probably better posted at www.fratching.com

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                    • #11
                      *snicker*

                      I have thrown out quite a supply of expired condoms over the years....

                      ^-.-^
                      Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        There once was a time when Sudafed was on the counter, and you had to ask for condoms from the pharmacist. Now it's the other way around...
                        Some days, it's just not worth chewing through the restraints...
                        TASTE THE LIME JELLO OF DEFEAT! -Gravekeeper

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                        • #13
                          An EXPIRED box of condoms?


                          I had to make monthly trips to wal mart

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I'm actually REALLY glad you guys have been making the magnum jokes.... cause the last time my bf bought regular ones, and I didn't know what the "bigger" ones were called.... we had a difficult couple of weeks. He'll be very happy when he arrives in 2 weeks, so thank you *blush*
                            GK/Kara/Jester fangirl.

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                            • #15
                              Ages ago, when I had just started dating my ex, I went to one of the local supermarkets to pick up a pack. When I got to the front of the line, the cashier turned out to be the best friend of the girl who had dumped me a few months prior because she wanted to screw all my male friends (and possibly my female ones too -- one of them said she didn't like the way she was looking at her.)

                              She recognized me, and knew I was dating someone else now, and asked how it is was going with her. "Pretty good", I told her, as I set the condoms down on the belt for her to ring up.

                              Her eyes got all wide, and she cracked a smile and said, "Oh, you are bad!"

                              The best part was, she probably went back to her friend and told her that she had seen me, and that I was getting laid without her now.
                              Sometimes life is altered.
                              Break from the ropes your hands are tied.
                              Uneasy with confrontation.
                              Won't turn out right. Can't turn out right

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