OMFG.

[McGoddess09]

Sweet. I'm a gateway drug.

I laughed really loud after reading that.

I now dub thee, Marijuana.

[PhiSigGirl1988]

Chocobo!

*starts whistling "Mods de Chocobo" from FFVIII*

Why on earth would you call a lawyer before the cops if you find your friend dead, especially if you had nothing to do with the death? Idiot.

As for your cat, I'm glad she understands not to jump on a burning stove. My boy cat would probably attempt it a few times before he got the slightest idea that fire burns. He's special. My girl cat would just be too lazy to attempt it in the first place.

[smileyeagle1021]

Says she who is considering getting an Starfleet Badge tattoo.

I may just have to turn straight for you

Couldn't be lower than at my workplace. Half my CWs never even heard of Monty Python.

I have a sudden new found respect for my coworkers... they have never seen Monty Python, but they know who he is

Sweet. I'm a gateway drug.

damn, now that I've taken a gateway drug it will make it much harder to have the drug talk with my kids... thanks a lot GK

[HorrorFrogPrincess]

I may just have to turn straight for you

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Behold my Ebil Female Powers, with the ability to make Smiley consider being straight. Truly I am unstoppable!

And perhaps your only hope when the Shirt Queen begins her siege on humanity.

[Buglady]

As for your cat, I'm glad she understands not to jump on a burning stove. My boy cat would probably attempt it a few times before he got the slightest idea that fire burns. He's special.

I had to ban candles from the house after realizing that both of my cats, on two separate occasions EACH, had lit themselves on fire.* Yes. They are special. I'm not entirely sure they shouldn't be wearing little padded helmets.

*(Just whiskers 3 of those times, and luckily when Pickles ignited his tail, he immediately fell into the bathtub and doused himself. That put an abrupt and yowly end to my attempt at a nice relaxing bath with aromatherapy candles...)

[Becks]

I’m sure you’ve worked very hard digging up sticky loose change from your couch and turning in empty beer cans to get that $45.

Well, thanks to GK's way with words and my *wonderful* imagination, I need .

[Rapscallion]

Sweet. I'm a gateway drug.

It all started when a friend offered me a vowel. It was at a party, and everyone was doing it. I'd seen the warnings, but I could see that everyone was happy enough. Sure, a couple of people had those vacant eyes from too many vowels, but there are always idiots who can't handle it, right?

It lasted like that for a few months - just a vowel at a party to get me in the mood. When I was feeling really daring, I'd have a couple of 'O's, and I got really wasted on those. It wasn't long after, though, that I started to get offered consonants. Vowels are pretty minor, but those are the hard stuff - or so I thought. I could handle vowels, so I figured 'why not?' and tried one. It was astounding. Two months after my first consonant, I was taking both sorts of letters when I got home in an evening - I didn't wait for a party, but I felt that I had to feel good.

Two months after that, and this is where it gets difficult for me, I had my first syllable. I know, I was stupid, but when you feel the power coursing through you then you think you can handle it and everything's going to be fine. After that, I went for full words. Just simple ones at first, but then ... the shame is still with me, I managed to find a dictionary. At least, I thought it was a dictionary at first - it was really a thesaurus.

Remember those warnings from the government? They're not kidding, folks. Thesauri are the truly hard stuff. After that, it was plain sailing into primers, then short stories, and eventually novels. Vowels and consonants had nothing on this - I spent hours locked away in my house on an evening, making sure my curtains were closed in case the neighbours saw me reading. I was too busy doing that to eat properly or wash regularly.

I saved and saved, and eventually I managed to buy myself a set of encylopaedias. That's when I knew I was hooked, but I didn't care. I'd come home from work on an evening and gently rub my hands over their spines, wondering which one I would read next. I still managed to retain some sense of proportion, though. I might have read many novels, but I stayed well away from biographies of people under thirty. I may be an addict, but I'm not a pervert. Well, apart from indulging in a little iambic pentameter from time to time, but everyone does that now and again, right? It means I'm a specialist, not depraved.

That's my story, folks. Don't let anyone tempt you in, letting you think it's easy and that you can handle it. You'll end up hooked just the same.

Rapscallion

[RootedPhoenix]

That's my story, folks. Don't let anyone tempt you in, letting you think it's easy and that you can handle it. You'll end up hooked just the same.

*laughs 'til she cries* Oh dear, lol.

[Stryker One]

New Nickname

I laughed really loud after reading that.

I now dub thee, Marijuana.

No. I propose that we all adopt "arctic pumpkin" as GKs new nickname.

[mischugenah]

when Pickles ignited his tail, he immediately fell into the bathtub and doused himself. That put an abrupt and yowly end to my attempt at a nice relaxing bath with aromatherapy candles...)

OK, this made me laugh harder than GKs post did (sorry, GK) because I can see my cat doing exactly the same thing!!

And Rapscallion... brilliant. Simply, undeniably brilliant.

[Slytovhand]

Me: “Alright, and which credit card would you like to use?”
SC: “Wisa”

Ah yes, tell me, is it wabbit season yet? Or is it still duck season?


Vas he ordering nuclear wessels?

And the ridiculous thing about that - in Russian, there is no 'W', but there is a 'V'!

[friendofjimmyk]

I love you! But, you hear that all the time!

[Buglady]

Printing Raps' post to take to English class today

(Mind you, it's a 4th year seminar on Victorian poetry and everyone else in there looks awfully serious... first English lit class for me in about 10 years, and I've long outgrown the "I am a sensitive soul!!!1!" phase of my studenthood, but I think these kids are still there. Maybe I'd better be gentle )

[Jester]

Is is possible the corpse guy was stoned/mentally inept/otherwise NOT all there??

I just don't see how any sane person could act how he did.

Why on earth would you call a lawyer before the cops if you find your friend dead, especially if you had nothing to do with the death?

I can see some scenarios where that would make perfect sense.

Oh, good lord Jester, you're not going to actually attempt to somehow DEFEND this turd thief, are you?

Why yes....yes I am.

Let's say for the sake of argument you arrived home one evening. And let's say for more argument's sake that at the time, you had a friend staying with you. Not a good friend. Not a close friend. Actually more of an acquaintance, perhaps a friend of a friend, that was not overly joyful to be around, but not overly obnoxious when in their presence either, but someone you called a "friend" merely for social convenience, and to not offend him by referring to him merely as an "acquaintance." Perhaps this "friend" had even started to become irritating in their stay on your couch, by stealing your beer, eating your garlic popcorn, watching your favorite Gwen Summers porn DVDs, and generally being a messy nuisance and NOT looking for a job so he could get off your couch like he had promised to three weeks earlier when he first crashed there "just for a few nights."

With me so far? Great! Let's continue.

Let's say upon arriving home this one particular evening, you found said "friend" dead. Not unconscious. Not comatose. But clearly, unquestionably, no doubt about it deader than Milli Vanilli's career. You know, like with a metal tent pole impaled right through his chest, his face the color of a goth's pasty legs, his tongue lolling out of his mouth, and more blood on the floor than is normally in the human body. As I said, unquestionably DEAD.

Now, us humans are an odd lot. Despite knowing certain things, we often do the opposite of what we know should do. Ask anyone who's ever watched "Beauty and the Geek." So as a human, upon finding someone with a six foot pole rammed through their chest, what would your first instinct be? Right! Touch the damn thing. Make sure it's real, and not a hallucination brought on by having one too many vodka and Red Bulls at the bar. Even if you weren't drinking, it really is human nature to touch something that seems so unreal. Like, say, a dead body. Or a pole going through someone you once knew.

And then reality kicks the door to your brain in, and you realize, with horror, that your fingerprints are now on your dead acquaintance and on the long sharp stick poking through him. Panic sets in. Call for a doctor? An ambulance? No, you fool....he's dead! So you should call the police. And right as you reach for the phone, reality kicks in another mental door, just for show: your fingerprints are on a body and the lance sticking out of his heart! Holy SHIT! The cops are going to think you did it! It's your tent pole, after all! (Which is when that little voice in the back of your head that is separate from everything says, "why the hell was that mooch fucking with my tent, anyways?")

Myself, I could totally see finding a lawyer first. As for the tone of the guy's voice? I'm sorry, but different people react different to stress. Some people go very, very numb. Some people can only react to part of the dilemma, and so may sound annoyed. ("It's MY tent, fucker!") Trauma like, say, finding a corpse in the den, is not something the human brain processes well. So he may well have sounded annoyed. Hell, he may BE annoyed that he still has to call, and then face, the cops.

Now, I am not saying that any of the above DID happen with GK's caller. Knowing the people HE gets on his line, the dude probably slit his friend's throat accidentally as part of a drunken knife-sharpening stunt. But let's be honest....without KNOWING what was going on on the other end of that call, can we really judge the dude for calling a lawyer first?

Sometimes you just have to be......practical.

Me: Anything else I may help you with? (yes I know I end with prepositions )
SC: Can you give me a million dollars?
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA never heard THAT one before.

This happens to all of us, I am sure, in one way or another. But this weekend, I had a twist.

A couple sat at a table, and after perusing our fantastic selection of libations, ordered two adult beverages. As they looked under 30, I asked them for identification, as I am wont to do. (Not to mention legally bound to do.) As the female of the species (Katie) was reaching for her ID, her male companion (Ryan) stepped into this very minefield....

RYAN (to Katie): "Make sure you show him the one that says you ARE of age."
JESTER (to Ryan): "Hilarious. I've never heard THAT one before."

Normal so far. But this, my friends, is where Ryan saved face, thus avoiding the normal moniker of "assmonkey SC."

RYAN: "Nice one! Calling me out on the lame joke."
JESTER: "And points to you for realizing it's a lame joke but telling it anyway."
RYAN: "Touche, my friend, touche."

Ryan and I became mutually amused with each other after that. Swell guy. (Seriously.)

[morgana]

Raps, that post is an excellent example of why we all you so much. Great stuff!