Religious SC Behavior thread (Three part)

[Yossarian]

i really want to put together some pamphlets and little books for other religions.

someone hands you a chick tract hand him right back a discordian pamphlet or a church of scientology flyer

Heh. My mom used to do that.

JW:<DING-DONG>"Hi, have you heard the Good News about Jesus?" <hands pamphlet>.

Mom: "Hey thanks. Here, have you heard about the Self-Realization Fellowship?" <hands pamphlet>

JW: "Umm, thanks?"

[bars.of.a.rhyme]

JW:<DING-DONG>"Hi, have you heard the Good News about Jesus?" <hands pamphlet>.

Mom: "Hey thanks. Here, have you heard about the Self-Realization Fellowship?" <hands pamphlet>

Har.

I do that sometimes, but without the pamphets.

Them: "Have you accepted God as your personal lord and savior?"
Me: "No. Have you accepted the Goddess as your personal lord and savior?"

One time I said something kind of snotty. I'm not proud of it.

Them: "Have you found Jesus?"
Me: "Oh shit, did you lose him?"

Old joke, I know.

[Moirae]

Honestly, try telling them you're a witch someday and see what happens. Just a note, it doesn't work. They'll try anything by going on and on about how you "Haven't found the truth of Jesus" or some crap like that.

Btw, I'm Wiccan. A modern day witch. It doesn't matter what you say, they'll say you haven't found the truth.

I've taken to just closing the door in their faces.

Can't do that when you're walking down the street and get accosted though. I've litterally had them following me up the street. Even after telling them "I'm Catholic, I have my own religion."

It really should be illegal to do that. Especially harassment.

[Jester]

Speaking of the bible thumpers, since this is a SC forum, thought I would add my 3.5 cents...as a person who works in the service industry and has for 20 years now....good lord, has it been that long!??!!?....anyway, while I have no problem per se with people trying to push their religion on me (they are just trying to "help" me as they see it), I DO hate when they leave, as part or all of their tip, a little religious pamphlet. $50 check, $5 tip, and your comic book version of what I should accept at The Truth. Great. Wonderful. Problem is, as much as I try, I can never get these pamphlets accepted as payment by the electric company, my landlord, the cable company, the water company, the cell phone company, the insurance company, the bank, etc., etc., etc. If you really want me to listen to what you have to say, tip like a normal person, and understand that your religious tracts don't take the place of cash. Ever. (If you don't believe that this is an ongoing problem in the service industry that every one of us hates, check out the fine folks at bitterwaitress.com. It is an ongoing vent there, and at every restaurant or bar I have ever worked at.)

Rant over.

Amusing sign at one of my favorite bars:

"Sorry I missed church. I was too busy practicing witchcraft and being a lesbian."

[Broomjockey]

I've got a couple of second-hand stories.

When my dad was just a teenager, and still living at home, he was under his car and a pair of well dressed legs come into his view. A voice asks him for the man of the house, and dad points him up to the house. He hears them knock on the door, some talking, and all of a sudden his dad starts screaming "I told you Sons of Bi***es not to come here any more!!!" Then he grabbed, i guess it was a rake by the door and CHASED them down the block. They never came back.

The other story my roommates told me when I got back from work that evening. Apparently some JWs came to the door, and my roomies tried to be nice and send them on their way, but they wouldn't leave. Finally roomie in the other room called to the other "Hey, I need some help with the goat!" Roomie at the door gets a scared look on his face, says "You didn't hear that!" and closes the door quickly.

Personally, I'm always polite but firm, saying right away at the door, thanks but no thanks and close the door without letting them say more. If they grab me at a bus stop they usually just hand me the booklets and walk off, and I pitch the booklets into the bus stop garbage can.

[Mongo Skruddgemire]

Them: "Have you found Jesus?"
Me: "Oh shit, did you lose him?"
Old joke, I know.

Old but funny. I've used:

"Yeah, he's in the trunk."
"Oh...if you've lost him, try behind the couch...everything you lose ends up behind the couch. Or sometimes under the fridge if you have cats."

If I have the time I'll pull out my worst weapon in my arsenal...psychology!

I've used this on JW's, Mormons, Survey Takers at the mall...it works on them all.

If you have the minutes to spare (and I usually do for meyhem), listen to them...or at least look like you are. While they are going through thier spiel, scratch yourself...all over. Scratch your hair, your arms, your chest, all over. Just don't look like you're paying attention to the 'itches', just keep scratching. After a while (5 minutes) they'll usually start scratching themselves in a psychosomatic sort of way.

That's a really evil trick since they won't stop scratching for a while.

Mongo

[Lace Neil Singer]

I also had 2 come up to me while I was shopping, purely on the basis that I was wearing an Alice Cooper t-shirt. They started going on about the evils of Alice's music, and I cut them off saying, "He's a born again christian, look it up." They were just standing there dumbfounded when I walked off.

Them: "Have you found Jesus?"
Me: "Oh shit, did you lose him?"

That's a classic.

[HappyCthulhu]

someone hands you a chick tract hand him right back a discordian pamphlet or a church of scientology flyer

Hand them a tract about the Almighty Cthulhu next time.

[Imogene]

Now, I don't mind when somebody starts telling me about their religion, IF, and only if, they allow me to tell them about mine. If they don't? "I don't have time for your 'ever-loving' god who says 'I'll smite New Orleans for being a den of sinners...once a year...'?
Mmm boy, I do love telling the religious types about the familial bloodlines of my Gods. Let's put it this way, the family tree does NOT fork. It's lots of fun to watch their faces when I start telling about the polyamorous lesbian trio. Or the living shadow. Think Santa, only covered in writhing shadows. "She knows when you are sleeping, she knows when you're awake..."
No evisceration, no martyrdom, one rule to live by: "Have fun, and be yourself." Pray? What's that?

[Format C]

My pastor once said in a sermon that if you are going to leave a tract behind, leave a good tip first.

[Broomjockey]

My pastor once said in a sermon that if you are going to leave a tract behind, leave a good tip first.

Good idea. If I was left a good tip and a booklet, I'd likely save the booklet for when I was bored. Crappy tip+booklet=booklet+trash

[Acolyte]

Heh.
I was over at a friend's house, with a bunch of other people. Said friend is of a goth-y persuasion to begin with. Anyways, some JWs came to the door, and I heard him trying to get them to leave, to no avail. Finally, he came into the room where we were all hanging out.
'Any of you guys interested in Jehovah?'
We promptly decided no, and that we had to so something to get rid of them. Some sort of evil-sounding call was in order. We decided on 'BLOOD FOR THE BLOOD GOD, AND SKULLS FOR HIS THRONE!'
We promptly shouted that in the direction of the door.
The JWs promptly left.

[PuckishOne]

Them: "Have you found Jesus?"
Me: "Oh shit, did you lose him?"

I've only ever done this once, and I must have been feeling ornery at the time, but it went a little something like this:

Someone: Have you found Jesus?
Puck: Did you try looking in the prison? Because it seems lots of people find him there.

No, I'm not proud of myself for that one, but if memory serves it was near the end of a long, one-sided "conversation" that an acquaintance was having in my presence, trying to convince me of the various errors of my ways. Luckily, I've never been in the same position with a customer...I can only imagine.

[technical.angel]

Luckily, I've never been in the same position with a customer...I can only imagine.

I find that they are rarely customers.

I had this woman come up to my kiosk 5 minutes before I was set to go home.

She started out with "Do you believe in Jesus?"

I thought about it.. "Hum.. No. I don't think I do."

Her blasphemy (no offense, blas!) radar went off and she dove into me like a shark to a surfer. I was bored, and a little.. annoying feeling, so I decided to play with her. I tried debate. Since her main defense thus far had been "Because Jesus said so" "because God said so" "because it's in the Bible" and "because God wrote the Bible". Comments on the true authorship of the Bible went like this. "No, God didn't write the Bible, a bunch of guys wrote the Bible." "But God told them what to write, and God's word is law." If I knew then what I know now, I'd have gone into that debate, but hindsight being 20-20 and all that.

"So, basically," I said, "You're doing what a book tells you to do."
"Yes, cause God wrote it."
"So what do you think about the Islams?"
"They're evil."
"Why?"
"They're killing people."
"But they have a book telling them to. How is that different from yours?"
"Cause God wrote the Bible, and God's word is law."

At that point, I realized what kind of fundie I had, turned around, called Security, and watched her scurry away. The person taking over for me thought I was weird.

Jenni

[AmericanZero8503]

Has anyone heard about the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Look it up on wiki-pedia. It's a really good inside joke and some people have dedicated their books to FSM for touching them with his noodle-ly appendage. It's freaking awesome and instead of the 10 commandments, it's the 10 'I'd rather you didn't' 's. Try explaining that to an extremist christian...their head might explode.

***UPDATE***- Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster website: http://www.venganza.org/

"Extremist are in charge of our government, because moderates have shit to do."- John Stewart

"Small government talks about Jesus in their speeches. Big government does what he asks."- Stephen Colbert