Age of Responsibility

[Tanasi]

My middle son has been dating the same woman for the last 3 years. To me they seem to be getting along very nicely and she has been semi-living with him for about 6 months (his mother and I are not supportive of this arrangement and neither are her parents.) As long as we've known her she has said lots of strange things and according to others that have known her longer she has done lots of strange things.
Today my wife received a call from the woman's mother who told her that her daughter has been telling out son that she in on birth control but really isn't. She asked for my wife to tell our son for JIC and he can protect himself. Our youngest daughter overheard the conversation and told us the GF's younger sister has told her the same thing but the GF is trying to get pregnant and she passed on the info her brother. The wife immediately call our son and asked him to come over immediately and alone.
He was not happy and said he was going to break up with her. He has told us several times that he doesn't want kids had has tried to get a vasectomy but can't find a doctor that will do it for someone his age (24).
So IMO the GF is trying to play him and he should break-up with her.
What my question is should a man that doesn't want kids be able to get a vasectomy at any age? I ask this because about 10 years ago a friend told me his wife trapped him into being a parent and marriage by purposely getting pregnant when she knew he didn't want children. (I've heard his wife say that he is a great husband and father.) Before his daughter was born he went to get a vasectomy and there wasn't a doctor in town that preform the procedure without his wife giving permission. How is this remotely fair to the man?
I'm not trying to stir anything up. I believe that birth control is the responsibility of all involved and I've told all of kids this. So thoughts?

[csquared]

I am #4 out of six kids. I was suppose to be the last one. According to my Dad, "That's what happens when you try to be nice to Mama on a cold night." Little brother was born in April. Do the math.

Back on topic...

After my little brother was born, my father decided to make sure it would not happen again. He had to go out of state as all the local hospitals were run by Catholic organizations.

Look at the local politics and religions. He may need to broaden his search.

[Monterey Jack]

There is NOTHING lower than a woman specifically hoodwinking her boyfriend or husband about birth control when the boyfriend/hubby has specifically said he does not want kids. This is a LIFE-CHANGING decision not to be entered into lightly, and it should be something that both partners want equally and discuss beforehand. It's one thing when it happens even with precautions, but when one partner deliberately misleads the other to create a child, that is unforgivable.

[TheWolfEmperor]

As to your son getting a vasectomy, it is his body. I don't know if there's a specific health reason why a doctor won't help him or if it's a misguided notion on the doctor's part that your son just hasn't found the "right person". God knows some doctors are quite capable of letting their beliefs get in the way of a patient's rights. On the other hand there could be a legitimate reason not to give someone a vasectomy before a certain age, I don't know. I'm in no danger of getting another guy pregnant so it's never come up in my case.

I would encourage your son to do a little more research and just make sure he plays it safe with any future relationship he might have in the meantime.

[EricKei]

For an 18-year-old guy...? Er, maybe, maybe not; even as a major, it's something he should really discuss with the parents. For a 21yo or older? No question, he's old enough to get one.

[MoonCat]

A friend of mine had this situation happen, but that was in the 60's! Now? It should not be anyone's decision except the man. I could see the doctor wanting to know if the wife/GF knew about it, but getting her permission is a whole 'nother thing.

I suspect it's mostly a CYA ploy on the doc's part. He doesn't want the GF to try suing him later for making it impossible for her to have kids with this man.

And yeah, if he can confirm that she really is trying to pull this crap, he should definitely break up with her.

[Monterey Jack]

Aren't vasectomies reversible, anyways?

[Mental_Mouse]

On NotAlwaysRight, there's been a recent run of stories about women being refused sterilization because "you might want to have kids", and never mind if they have health problems that would make a pregnancy deadly dangerous. The comments to those make is clear that men might somethings get asked "are you sure", but in general have a much easier time.

As noted above, your son may need to check who's running your local medical establishments, but he should definitely be able to do it. That said, I'm not sure it's warranted, as the better solution would be to lose the girlfriend (which he probably will anyway once she finds out he's been sterilized).

[Blue Ginger]

What she is doing is trying to trap him into being a dad and/or a wallet. So not cool on her part.

I would suggest you and your son check out the Childfree reddit. https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/

There is a list of childfree friendly doctors that might help your son find someone to give him the snip. The list is a bugger to get to on a mobile, but on a computer, it is on the right hand side underneath the rules of the sub. Click on 'Resources for the Childfree' under the 'Interesting and Useful Material' heading. I think the youngest guy to get snipped was 18. There is also a list of papers and articles about the regret rate, etc, that your son can use to plead his case with doctors.

In the meantime, he needs to stop having sex with her or use condoms that do not leave his control under any circumstances. There is a horror story on there recently about the guy wanting kids, so he used a hair dryer on the nuvaring (sp?) and poked holes in all their condoms. The woman kicked him out after busting him with the hairdryer and only discovered the condom issue later. And if they do use condoms, he needs to dispose of them properly too. Some time ago there was a thread where the guy busted the woman trying to use what was in the condom. So gross and desperate.

To be honest, this would be a dump their arse situation if it happened to me or any of my friends. I would suggest the same to him because it is a massive breach of trust. Even if he wanted kids at some point, but not now, she is trying to take away his choice in the matter.

(Sorry if this comes off a bit ranty, but I feel strongly that kids should be wanted by both people in a relationship and have no tolerance for arseholes that pull this kind of shit.)

[EricKei]

MJ - I cannot say for certain, but I have heard tell of vasectomies either being reversed, or in some way losing their effectiveness over time (as in, 20+ years). Thus, I'd say that there must be different methods, with some being reversible, and some carrying the possibility of the relevant tissues healing/reconnecting over time.

[notalwaysright]

On NotAlwaysRight, there's been a recent run of stories about women being refused sterilization because "you might want to have kids",

I can barely even begin to comment on how I feel about doctors deciding what is right for both men and women on this matter. But I believe it's even worse for women who don't want kids and want to make that final. I shouldn't need therapy if I want to do this, and yes that is what some doctors require. Some won't do it until a women is a certain age or has a certain number of children. Because one isn't enough. Women have been told "what if something happens to your child, wouldn't you want another?"

...okay I'll stop.

[morgana]

This is a hot-button issue for me. I had sterilization surgery at age thirty-two. I started looking for a doctor at age twenty-two. Of course, this was thirty years ago . . .

Sonny needs to keep looking. And lose the girlfriend ASAP.

[kaherbert]

Obviously, he needs to break up with her ASAP. For the vasectomy, do you have a planned parenthood in your area? https://www.plannedparenthood.org/le...-get-vasectomy They provide reproductive and health care for men as well as women.

I strongly recommend that your son avoid being alone with this person so that she can't make false accusations against him.

[EricKei]

"what if something happens to your child, wouldn't you want another?"

Buh, WHAT?! O_O These are kids we're talking about, not spare articles of clothing or car keys...

[Racket_Man]

There is NOTHING lower than a woman specifically hoodwinking her boyfriend or husband about birth control when the boyfriend/hubby has specifically said he does not want kids. This is a LIFE-CHANGING decision not to be entered into lightly, and it should be something that both partners want equally and discuss beforehand. It's one thing when it happens even with precautions, but when one partner deliberately misleads the other to create a child, that is unforgivable.

Actually there is one form of not-quite-human protoplasm who is lower than this. I recently came across a post on reddit's MIL sub-form about this very subject.

The post detailed the journey of a husband and wife and HIS mother. The wife unfortuneately had a complex medical/physical condition that would NEVER allow her to carry a pregnancy full term. the conditions were certified by MULTIPLE Doctors and Specialists. The wife had gone thru 3 pregnancies and miscarried all 3 times AND almost died ALL 3 times.

Subsequencially the Husband and Wife were using multiple forms of birth control till she could schedule getting her tubes tied and burned. Husband's Mother was fully aware of this BUT had a VERY BAD CASE OF BABY RABIES. Mother went so far as sabotage ALL of the couple Birth Control.

Of course the Wife again gets pregnant and MIL says to her face "JUST stress down and eat all these herbal thingies and YOU WILL BE FINE CAUSE I WANT A GRANDCHILD.". as predicted wife gets really sick again, miscarries, and almost dies. Wife confronts MIL and MIL just seems to brush it off.

Wife plans PRO Revenge on MIL. MIL demands to tag along with wife to Dr. appt. Wife walks out of Dr. appt. and shoves a bio-harzard bag into MIL hands and SCREAMS "HERE IS YOUR GRANDCHILD I HOPE YOU ENJOY IT" and walks away.

(note not really fetal tissue but like 2 or 3 oz of ground meat but the message got across to MIL)

This MIL is one of the lowest of the low. The Hall of Fame over there has some TRUELY low stories in what some people will actually do to other people who are family.