Go Back   Customers Suck! > Community > Forum games

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes

  #521  
Old 11-30-2013, 08:49 PM
Kristev's Avatar
Kristev Kristev is offline
Tarot-carrying novelist.
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: No longer on the streets and that's wonderful.
Posts: 3,822
Default

Dear Miss Luddite,

We at Bithertz apologize for your computer difficulties, but your computer was never actually returned to you. It had so many viruses that we had to send it to the C. D. C. You will never get your laptop back, or at least that's what they report. What were you doing with that computer anyway?

No, Miss Luddite, anti-viral software is not a huge scam. Think of it as the windshield on your car. And yes, Miss Luddite, one must pay their bill.

I will not fire my son, and even if we could return your laptop, we wouldn't. No computer is safe in your hands and we beseech you to go seek medical attention.

Yours truly,
Cy Bernetic.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Holywood Independent Film Company,

I was disgusted when I went to see your movie, The Wounded Healer, because it told the story of a British doctor who had married an American man, fifteen years ago, but she was so committed to her job that she spent all her time with her patients rather than her husband and her family. So when he ran into an American girl that he used to date as a teenager, he resumed their relationship. Then the doctor found out.

And instead of fighting the girl, or destroying everything her husband had, the doctor turned to her brother, an Anglican priest, for advice. Then the doctor told us about the trauma she had been through, having survived an abusive relationship until she found the strength to fight back and leave, and that it ruined her ability to trust men ever again. She instead dove into her work at the clinic, trying desperately to save all her patients, no matter what, at the cost of her personal relationships.

There was no hitting, except for one scene where the doctor slapped her husband in the face after spending five straight minutes berating her. There was no swearing of any kind. The worst thing anyone ever said was fiddlesticks, and that was a woman with a husband dying of cancer! No car chases, nothing getting blown up, nobody getting arrested by some supercop who thrashes baddies around! With the husband and his girlfriend, we didn't get to see them do more than kiss, then he began to touch his shirt as if he was going to remove it, and the scene switched back to the hospital, where the doctor was being given some very good advice by an old nurse. Why, the only person who died in the entire movie was the man with cancer.

I was completely disgusted! No violence, no profanity, no sex, only one death! Just a wiccan doctor who turns to her Christian brother for advice when she finds out her neglected husband is having an affair because she's too busy avoiding her own pain by healing others to care about him. What kind of a movie is that? When I take my kids to the movies, I expect to see gore and the darkest side of humanity, not a drama about a woman trying to save her marriage. I demand that you start making your pictures as filthy as everyone else, or else I'm going to sue for emotional distress, for ten million dollars!

Signed,

Wade Andwallow Infilth.
__________________
Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

Last edited by Kristev; 11-30-2013 at 09:07 PM.
Reply With Quote

  #522  
Old 12-02-2013, 06:42 AM
catcul's Avatar
catcul catcul is online now
Computer Tech
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 963
Default

Dear Mr. Infilth,

We made The Wounded Healer for prime time on the Hallmark Channel. They required us to make a movie extremely limited violence, no sex, and no profanity. If you want that kind of "action," may I suggest HBO, Showtime, or Cinemax.

Sincerely,

Fred Rodgers, Holywood Films

-----

Dear Big Hill Hotel,

I went to your hotel in Dallas, TX. They said that their hotel was completely booked up. The hotel clerk muttered something about "football" and "Thanksgiving." Those were some poor excuses. We all know that football season ended two weeks ago with the Grey Cup. Also, Thanksgiving is the second Monday in October, not some Thursday in November. For some reason, that clerk is discriminating against us Canadians.

I demand that you let us stay in your hotels in Florida for the entire month of December, and you fire that bigot clerk.

Sincerely,

Ann Canuck
__________________
This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.
Reply With Quote

  #523  
Old 12-03-2013, 07:39 PM
cindybubbles cindybubbles is offline
Almighty Web Producer
 
Join Date: Apr 2011
Posts: 659
Default

Hey, y'all! Big Billy, owner of the Big Hill Hotel here!

Now what in tarnation are y'all yammerin' about? Ah don't know or care when you Canucks hold yer Thanksgivin' or football, but here in the good ol' US of A, we have ours in November! And we have good pecan pie, too!

Now, ah aint gonna fire mah wife for knowin' that! Y'all might wanna skip February, too; that's when we have our good ol' fashioned Super Bowl, and the hotel is packed to the hilt!

How about that, EH?

Big Billy

--------------------------

Dear Mr Police Officer:

Since when is it illegal to drink on the street? It was just a bottle of Scotch, and I bought it with my hard-earned money! I wasn't even driving; I don't have a car, since you dolts stole it from me!

Sincerely,

The Town Drunk
__________________
cindybubbles (👧 ❤️ 🎂 )

Enter Cindyland here!
Reply With Quote

  #524  
Old 12-03-2013, 09:31 PM
Tyg3rW01f's Avatar
Tyg3rW01f Tyg3rW01f is offline
Cashier
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Upper East Tennessee
Posts: 54
Default

Dear Otis,

It's been illegal since the 1800's to drink in public. By the way, you do know we leave the keys to your cell by the door for your convenience, right?

Signed,
A. Taylor
Duly Appointed Sheriff, Mayberry

P.S. Your car is awaiting your hard-earned money in the County Impound Yard.

------------

Dear Lapple Computers Inc.
The qPADD I purchased this past CyberMonday was not new! In fact it contained another person's ENTIRE life on it, contacts, schedule, EVERYTHING!!! I horrifiedly request you DO SOMETHING!

Officer S.
Sûreté du Québec aka SQ
((REAL LIFE Story HERE))
Reply With Quote

  #525  
Old 12-04-2013, 01:52 AM
catcul's Avatar
catcul catcul is online now
Computer Tech
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 963
Default

Dear Officer S.,

So that's where my qPADD went. One of our workers accidentally boxed up and sent it to your address. I will be picking up my qPADD and give you a fully loaded qPADD and US$200 for your troubles.

Thank you,

Bill Jobs, CEO Lapple Computers, Inc.

-----

Dear Elvin Forest Hotel,

I stayed in your hotel recently and noticed a beautiful and fully decorated Christmas tree in the lobby. I just love the scent of pine. I went to smell the tree. Imagine my horror when I found out that it was an artificial tree. I went to the manager and complained about the tree. He told me that putting a real tree there would be a fire hazard.

I demand that you take that abomination out and put in a real tree, or I'll show you how much of a fire hazard that fake thing really is.

Sincerely,

Fiera Grinchy
__________________
This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.
Reply With Quote

  #526  
Old 12-04-2013, 02:19 AM
XCashier's Avatar
XCashier XCashier is offline
Insert clever title here
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: At my computer
Posts: 6,984
Default

Dear Ms. Grinchy,

It's a violation of the fire code to have a real tree inside a public building. However, you could've stepped outside and enjoyed the scent of any of the many species of evergreens growing alive and healthy in the grounds around our hotel.

A pity you won't be back to enjoy them, since your little threat of arson has put you on the banned list. We've also forwarded a copy of your letter to your local police department.

Regards,
Legolas Greenleaf, owner
Elvin Forest Hotel

* * * * *

Dear Riverside Shopping Mall,

Last Friday I wanted a nice long shopping trip. I'd worn myself out cooking a huge turkey dinner the day before, and I thought I deserved a nice, quiet shopping trip as a reward.

Imagine my horror to see the entire mall mobbed! Wall to wall with people! There was shouting, pushing, I even saw a fight break out over a toy! It was utterly terrifying! I asked what the deal was, someone rudely shouted "what do you expect on Black Friday?!"

Well, this won't do! I demand a million dollars for my pain and suffering, and ask that you keep the mall orderly and quiet so I can enjoy my shopping in peace!

Sincerely,
Ann Throphobia
__________________
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
My LiveJournal
A page we can all agree with!
Reply With Quote

  #527  
Old 12-04-2013, 02:03 PM
Lace Neil Singer's Avatar
Lace Neil Singer Lace Neil Singer is offline
Urge to kill, rising...
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Location: England
Posts: 4,415
Default

Dear Mrs Throphobia,

Your letter shocked and disgusted me. I was working that very day, as it happens, and was present when one of my collegues was trampled under the rampaging crowd. I also distinctly remember you giving him a kick as you walked out. Please understand that you are no longer welcome in the mall, so will no longer have to tolerate the crowds.

Yours, Ms Manager.

~~~

Dear Manager of Wonderful Pizza,

i called ur shop today, witch is Xmas Eve, to ask wen u wer openin 2moro. the rude bitch workin ther told me u wer closed! this is outragus coz wat am i gonna do for xmas dinner? mi kidz wil starv now and its all you're falt! Giv me free pizza 4 a year or i wil su u.

from I. L. Iterate.
__________________
People who don't like cats were probably mice in an earlier life.
My DeviantArt.
Reply With Quote

  #528  
Old 12-04-2013, 04:02 PM
catcul's Avatar
catcul catcul is online now
Computer Tech
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 963
Default

Dear Mr. Iterate,

We are closed on Christmas Day so that our employees can spend Christmas with their families. However, if you're looking for a restaurant that's open on Christmas, you might want to go to Solomon Cone Kosher Deli. Since the owner is Jewish, he doesn't celebrate Christmas.

Sincerely,

Giovanni Vatali, Owner, Wonderful Italy Pizza

-----

Dear Fillmore Correctional Facility,

I was visiting some of my friends in your prison when these guys in uniform just grabbed me. They said something about drugs, saws, and cell phones being taped on my body. They stuffed me in the back of a truck and sent me to someone named Veterinarian. This woman stuck this object into my rear end and said 102 when she finally pulled it back out. Now, I'm living with a family who dangle string in front of me. The final indignity is they keep calling me "Fluffy." They won't let me visit my buddies in the prison.

How could you do this to me?

Sincerely,

Sampson, Destroyer of Rats

PS: How could you post this picture of me on the internet? You didn't even blur my face.



[Picture found here.]
__________________
This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.

Last edited by catcul; 12-04-2013 at 07:05 PM.
Reply With Quote

  #529  
Old 12-05-2013, 09:16 PM
purplecat41877's Avatar
purplecat41877 purplecat41877 is offline
Number Absorber
 
Join Date: Jul 2006
Posts: 1,400
Default

Dear Sampson,

Please enjoy your stay with your new family. We have also included some more cat toys for you to enjoy.

Sincerely,

Chief Prison Officer



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came to your store to shop and was offended to see one of your employees outside next to a bucket outside constantly ringing a bell. When I told her to stop, she had the nerve to tell me that she wasn't allowed. I want this rude employee fired and whatever she has in that bucket. If you don't do what I want, I will snatch the bell from her and run over it with my car.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Peaceandquiet

Last edited by purplecat41877; 12-06-2013 at 02:41 AM.
Reply With Quote

  #530  
Old 12-06-2013, 06:33 AM
catcul's Avatar
catcul catcul is online now
Computer Tech
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 963
Default

Dear Mrs. Peaceandquiet,

The woman in front of our Supermarket does not work for us. She works for the Salvation Army, a charity organization whose mission is to help the less fortunate. We will not ban her or any other worker for the Salvation Army. However, we will ban you if you destroy her bell.

Sincerely,

Peter Paul, Store Manager, Healthy Foods Supermarket

-----

Dear M Mobile,

I was using my phone to text a friend when the bus I was driving slammed into a house. The policemen that responded to the accident you caused said something about the house being knocked of its foundation and it needing to be condemned. Thankfully, nobody got hurt due to your negligence. When my boss saw what happened, he fired me.

Why didn't you put a warning system on your phone? It would have been nice if my phone had warned me if I was wandering off the road. I demand $1 million and you pay for rebuilding the house.

Sincerely,

Helen Wheels
__________________
This site proves Corey Taylor right. Man really is a "four letter word."

I'm now using my Deviant Art page to post my humor.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:34 AM.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.9
Copyright ©2000 - 2020, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.