Bad Boys, Bad Boys...
Over the past few months a new bug has been popping up on smartphones around the country and it presents itself like this:
Oooh, scary looking!
Now of course people get freaked about this, worrying about someone has accessed child porn on their phone and now the FBI is after them, since you know, it's their phone.
Of course the dead giveaway this is a scam is the requirement to pay up to access your phone again.
Obviously,if the FBI caught you looking at child porn they'd promptly lock your ass up, they sure as heck wouldn't try to get you to effectively bribe them to look the other way.
It's an easy issue to fix, you just need to find the problem app in your phone, uninstall it and bingo, you can browse the web again.
I've had several women seriously freak out about this to the point of wanting a manager just to be "super sure" that they were not going to be arrested.
I also had a guy who wanted a credit because we "terrified" him with the bogus warning. Nevermind Red Checkmark has nothing to do with the warnings. And no, he didn't get a credit either.
In which I channel Argabarga
Young sounding guy calls in. There's a problem with his wifi. After troubleshooting we determine the reason he can't get on is the network password has changed. No biggie, I ask him if he knows what it is. He doesn't. No problem, I tell him, your ISP can help you with that.
What's that? You have no ISP? Wait--huh?
And that's when he confesses that the wifi he's been using that suddenly stopped working actually belongs to someone ELSE.
Just like Arga's towing victims, this guy starts in with the excuses:
- He's in college and he doesn't have a lot of money (like I've never heard that one before)
- He was only using it "Temporarily" (uh huh, sure....)
- The guy he was "borrowing" it from said it was Ok. (alright well why not just ask him from the password? Busted!)
and the crown jewel:
- The wifi just so happens to be provided by Red Checkmark so why can't I just give him a break and hack it for him? (Oh sure mister, let me violate my own personal ethics, company policy AND the law for you! Not like I've got anything to lose right?)
And then of course he wanted a credit because he was now stuck with the inconvenience of no wifi. (Yes, Really!). He finally wised up to the fact that I wasn't going to cave and hung up.
What a winner.
Shooting for the moon
Talked to a guy whose daughter had broke her iphone 4. No insurance but he's been a long time customer of Red Checkmark (15 years) with a good history so one of my coworkers hooked her up with a 5s free of charge (no contract extension either). In case you weren't aware, that's a PRETTY SWEET DEAL.
Not sweet enough apparently.
Now this guy says his little precious isn't really happy with the 5s and would prefer the iphone 6.
Well setting aside the fact the iphone 5s is fundamentally not that different from the 4, the fact we made an exception for once, we're not doing it again. I don't care if you've been with us 20 years we're only going to go out of policy so many times lest we get walked all over.
I don't care that your daughter doesn't like the phone.
I don't care that you spend "thousands" with us every year
You can threaten to go to Death Star wireless, but it's not going to get you a 6.
I thought he was going to demand a manager but he eventually hung up.
I have a sneaking suspicion he'll be calling back soon...
What part of 'I can't help you' don't you understand?
Look man, I know it sucks that the bluetooth in that spiffy new car you just bought doesn't seem to want to connect with your phone. We've gone over all the basics, everything on the phone works except this.
It's not that I don't want to help you, it's that I CAN'T. You seem to have a difficult time grasping this fact.
My company didn't make the phone and we didn't make the car. I have verified all your Red Checkmark services are working perfectly. There's nothing more that we can do here. Beyond calling the car maker or phone manufacturer, there's nowhere for this to go.
No, a manager won't be able to fix it for you.
No, I won't call the car company for you and call you back later.
No, you can't get a credit for inconvenience (WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE?!? )
No, I'm not being unhelpful at all, I just can't get you the help you need because this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
And now you want to cancel your services. Have fun with our retention department. Bye bye now.
Over the past few months a new bug has been popping up on smartphones around the country and it presents itself like this:
Oooh, scary looking!
Now of course people get freaked about this, worrying about someone has accessed child porn on their phone and now the FBI is after them, since you know, it's their phone.
Of course the dead giveaway this is a scam is the requirement to pay up to access your phone again.
Obviously,if the FBI caught you looking at child porn they'd promptly lock your ass up, they sure as heck wouldn't try to get you to effectively bribe them to look the other way.
It's an easy issue to fix, you just need to find the problem app in your phone, uninstall it and bingo, you can browse the web again.
I've had several women seriously freak out about this to the point of wanting a manager just to be "super sure" that they were not going to be arrested.
I also had a guy who wanted a credit because we "terrified" him with the bogus warning. Nevermind Red Checkmark has nothing to do with the warnings. And no, he didn't get a credit either.
In which I channel Argabarga
Young sounding guy calls in. There's a problem with his wifi. After troubleshooting we determine the reason he can't get on is the network password has changed. No biggie, I ask him if he knows what it is. He doesn't. No problem, I tell him, your ISP can help you with that.
What's that? You have no ISP? Wait--huh?
And that's when he confesses that the wifi he's been using that suddenly stopped working actually belongs to someone ELSE.
Just like Arga's towing victims, this guy starts in with the excuses:
- He's in college and he doesn't have a lot of money (like I've never heard that one before)
- He was only using it "Temporarily" (uh huh, sure....)
- The guy he was "borrowing" it from said it was Ok. (alright well why not just ask him from the password? Busted!)
and the crown jewel:
- The wifi just so happens to be provided by Red Checkmark so why can't I just give him a break and hack it for him? (Oh sure mister, let me violate my own personal ethics, company policy AND the law for you! Not like I've got anything to lose right?)
And then of course he wanted a credit because he was now stuck with the inconvenience of no wifi. (Yes, Really!). He finally wised up to the fact that I wasn't going to cave and hung up.
What a winner.
Shooting for the moon
Talked to a guy whose daughter had broke her iphone 4. No insurance but he's been a long time customer of Red Checkmark (15 years) with a good history so one of my coworkers hooked her up with a 5s free of charge (no contract extension either). In case you weren't aware, that's a PRETTY SWEET DEAL.
Not sweet enough apparently.
Now this guy says his little precious isn't really happy with the 5s and would prefer the iphone 6.
Well setting aside the fact the iphone 5s is fundamentally not that different from the 4, the fact we made an exception for once, we're not doing it again. I don't care if you've been with us 20 years we're only going to go out of policy so many times lest we get walked all over.
I don't care that your daughter doesn't like the phone.
I don't care that you spend "thousands" with us every year
You can threaten to go to Death Star wireless, but it's not going to get you a 6.
I thought he was going to demand a manager but he eventually hung up.
I have a sneaking suspicion he'll be calling back soon...
What part of 'I can't help you' don't you understand?
Look man, I know it sucks that the bluetooth in that spiffy new car you just bought doesn't seem to want to connect with your phone. We've gone over all the basics, everything on the phone works except this.
It's not that I don't want to help you, it's that I CAN'T. You seem to have a difficult time grasping this fact.
My company didn't make the phone and we didn't make the car. I have verified all your Red Checkmark services are working perfectly. There's nothing more that we can do here. Beyond calling the car maker or phone manufacturer, there's nowhere for this to go.
No, a manager won't be able to fix it for you.
No, I won't call the car company for you and call you back later.
No, you can't get a credit for inconvenience (WHAT IS IT WITH THESE PEOPLE?!? )
No, I'm not being unhelpful at all, I just can't get you the help you need because this has NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.
And now you want to cancel your services. Have fun with our retention department. Bye bye now.
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