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Good, Bad, I'm the Chick with the Gun...

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  • Good, Bad, I'm the Chick with the Gun...

    Yeah, I've been kind of scarce lately. If it weren't for the beautiful weather, I'd be able to refrain from being outside in my free time so much. There was kind of a lull in activity at the ol' prison for a bit, but now that the days are hot in the non-air conditioned cellhouses, the natives are getting restless.

    I/M - Inmate
    CW: Coworker
    SGT: Sargent
    ME: Armed and Dangerous

    Respect My Authoritah!

    Since they've been training some of the newbies in the Intake cellhouses, which are my normal posts, I've been floating a bit more than normal lately. I've spent a couple days a week in one of the Towers. It's an armed post, so I get a .357 Magnum, a Mini-14 rifle, and a 12-gauge shotgun. The particular tower I've been running has the controls for the Maintenance Gate (where the maintenance crews, food service trucks, and construction crews enter/exit the facility). I also run the Heartbeat Monitor. All vehicles that come in and go out that gate go into a garage where they have me hit a button that scans the vehicle for a heartbeat, in case anyone is trying to sneak somebody in or out. I also control the gate for the Dormitory Unit, which is where the inmates don't live in cells, but dormitory cubicles. Also, in the event of a Condition being called, all tower Officers are to be out on the catwalks at the top of the towers with their weapons in hand until the Condition clears.

    Now comes the fun part. A Condition 30 ("Officer Needs Assistance," usually called when there's a fight or if an inmate is refusing to lock down or cuff up) was called to one of the Segregation cellhouses. I went out on the catwalk and pointed my rifle at the rear door of the cellhouse, since that is the only exit I would have a shot at. Not that anyone would be able to get out that door, because the house Control Officer is the only one who can hit the button to open the door, but it was the only logical place to aim my weapon. In the meantime, there were some inmates trying to get in the dormitory and they kept yelling and banging on the gate to be let in. They know what it means when an Officer is up there with a gun drawn, but that didn't seem to stop them.

    I/M: Hey, come on! Let us in!
    I/M2: HEEEEEY!
    I/M: OPEN THE F***ING GATE!
    ME: Not now!
    I/M: HEY CO! GAAAAAATE!
    ME: *cocks rifle* I said, "NOT NOW!"
    I/M: Oh shit!

    I never aimed at anything but the door to the cellhouse where the condition was called, but it shut them the hell up

    The following stories all occurred at various times when I was running the control rooms of a few cellhouses. Inmates have an intercom in their cells and they can page the control officer for all kinds of retarded crap.

    Sucks to Be You

    *DING!
    ME: Control.
    I/M: Yeah, uh, why is it so hot in here?
    ME: Because there's no Air Conditioning.
    I/M: Say what?
    ME: There is no air conditioning in the facility.
    I/M: Oh. Damn.

    Yep. But at least I have this nice big fan in the control room. So do the floor officers at the Officers' station. Inmates can buy fans, except for the new guys. They are only allowed to buy hygiene items. But don't worry, oh Sweaty One. If you don't die of heatstroke, you'll be eligible for the full list of Commissary items for purchase once your 8-12 week stay in the Intake unit is over.

    Hehe

    *Ding!
    ME: Control.
    I/M: Yeah, they always let us out to get our meal trays in the same order, so I'm always last. Could you start on this side today?
    ME: I'll think about it.

    Guess who went last again?

    Still Loving My Job

    *Ding!
    ME: Control.
    I/M: Yeah, can I get out and get some ice?
    ME: Negative.
    I/M: What the hell do you mean, "negative?"
    ME: No.

    After 10 years of retail and customer service, I can finally take pleasure in being able to use the word "No" as often as possible without fear of endangering my job. And it feels good. Real good.

    I'm Sure She'll Be Thrilled

    *Ding!
    ME: Control.
    I/M: Yeah, how would I go's abouts gettin the address for the Governa?
    ME: I don't have that information.
    I/M: Well, see, I need ta write to tha' Governa, on account o mah rights was violated in County.
    ME: How so?
    I/M: Yeah, uh, theys stripped me down ta mah drawers and left me like dat fo' 5 days, an' that's cruel and unusual punishment or some shit.

    It would almost be worth letting her Governor-ness try to decipher whatever sloppy ghetto-glyphics you would no doubt use to convey such a message, but, alas, I highly doubt the mailroom would be willing to send it.

    Same Jackass, Different Day

    *Ding!
    ME: Control.
    I/M: Yeah, uh, I need ta' speak to da' Medical Supervisa.
    ME: There isn't a Medical Supervisor.
    I/M: Well, who can I talk to what would be able to resolve mah medical issue, other than da nurses?
    ME: The only way to contact any medical staff is by submitting a Sick Call form.
    I/M: Yeah, well, I did dat already. But, see, I gots a problem wif mah back, an' only a docta can fix it.
    ME: If the nurse feels it is necessary that you see a doctor, then she will be the one to make that determination.
    I/M: Yeah, but, dat bitch said they wasn't nuttin wrong. So dat's why I want to talk to someone above da nurse.
    ME: There is no other way to contact any member of medical staff.
    I/M: Don't talk ta me like I'm stupid. The 14th Amendment guarantees that a inmate has the right to be seen by a docta at any time or some shit.

    It's been awhile since I took Government in high school, but I'm pretty sure I don't remember that being in any amendment.

    Phoenix Wretard: Asshat Attorney

    Same guy. This time he had been bugging me about another absurd lawsuit he's trying to file. There wasn't much to restate from the conversation, but I listened to him throughout the rest of the day as he spent about 4 hours having a conversation about law with the guy in the cell next to him. Highlights ensue:

    I/M: They don't know who they dealin' wif. I gots me da' best lawyer in Wyandotte County.

    Really? You're in a state prison, in a Segregation cell, you've only been here for a week, and already everyone hates you. I feel sorry for whatever poor bastard enlists the help of the worst lawyer in Wyandotte County.

    I/M: Yeah, I is goin sue dey asses. I'm already seekin 20 thousand from the County jail, on account dey did some cruel and unusual shit...

    I/M: See, da Constitution of da United States, as set forth by our fo'-fathas, states dat, "No mother****er shall be denied da right to....."

    I don't know what he said after that because I was laughing too hard. I would dearly love to see that version of the Constitution.

    That's about all for now. Like I said, things are getting tense as the weather heats up, so we'll see what happens. They found a beer can buried in the vegetable patch maintained by the Inmate Garden Group (which our Captain has shut down and is going to have the whole thing tilled up to see what else is buried there). They've also found a lot of hooch (home-brewed alcohol made from primarily rotten oranges and yeast), and someone broke into the used Sharps container in the clinic and stole a bunch of used syringes. Keep in mind, these could very easily be infected with Hepatitis, Staph, and HIV, among many other horrible diseases and/or infections.
    "You are loved" - Plaidman.

  • #2
    Quoth Kara View Post

    I/M: See, da Constitution of da United States, as set forth by our fo'-fathas, states dat, "No mother****er shall be denied da right to....."

    I don't know what he said after that because I was laughing too hard. I would dearly love to see that version of the Constitution.
    .
    you know... i wish I had the same government teacher as him... that constitution sounds so much more interesting than the constitution that I studied
    If you wish to find meaning, listen to the music not the song

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    • #3
      Good, Bad, I'm the Chick with the Gun...
      ok, i know short post, but UBER BONUS POINTS for the army of darkness quotage.

      i wish i had you job, the inmates still seem saner than the customers.
      Siead

      Hobby Twitter.

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      • #4
        Quoth Kara View Post
        ME: *cocks rifle* I said, "NOT NOW!"
        I/M: Oh shit!
        How often have we wished for this situation, and Kara manages to be able to do it!?!
        A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

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        • #5
          Srsly. That makes me want to write a bit on it.
          Last edited by Record Store Tough Guy; 06-03-2008, 11:09 PM.

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth siead_lietrathua View Post
            ok, i know short post, but UBER BONUS POINTS for the army of darkness quotage.

            i wish i had you job, the inmates still seem saner than the customers.
            and unlike with customers you are the one in charge.
            If you wish to find meaning, listen to the music not the song

            Comment


            • #7
              Ah, welcome back. We missed you.
              A lion however, will only devour your corpse, whereas an SC is not sated until they have destroyed your soul. (Quote per infinitemonkies)

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth Kara View Post
                After 10 years of retail and customer service, I can finally take pleasure in being able to use the word "No" as often as possible without fear of endangering my job. And it feels good. Real good.
                I'll bet it does!
                Excuse me, good sir paladin, can you direct me to your EVIL district?

                http://www.dywhcomic.com

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                • #9
                  I think I like your new stories better...

                  You are awesome for doing the job you do, and it must be so satisfying to get to use all your skills of awesomet-ey to subdue the ah..."finer" members of society.

                  I particularly like how you shut up the guys trying to get through the gate.
                  I will not shove “it” up my backside. I do not know what “it” is, but in my many years on this earth I have figured out that that particular port hole is best reserved for emergency exit only. -GK

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                  • #10
                    Kara's back! Yay!

                    *hugs on*

                    I love your stories. You have the best job. (Yes, I remember. It's dangerous and all but it's worth it!)
                    Ridiculous 2009 Predictions: Evil Queen will beat Martha Stewart to death with a muffin pan. All hail Evil Queen! (Some things don't need elaboration.....) -- Jester

                    Ridiculous 2010 Predictions: Evil Queen, after escaping prison for last years prediction, goes out and waffle irons Rachel Ray to death. -- SG15Z

                    Ridiculous 2011 Prediction: Evil Queen will beat Gordon Ramsay over the head with a cast-iron skillet. -- FireHeart

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                    • #11
                      Quoth Kara View Post
                      I/M: HEY CO! GAAAAAATE!
                      ME: *cocks rifle* I said, "NOT NOW!"
                      I/M: Oh shit!
                      If you've been a sucky husband, they send you to Divorce Court.

                      If you've been a sucky child it's Juvie for you.

                      Sucky Customer? Maybe People's Court.

                      But if you've been a REALLY REALLY REALLY bad customer, there's a former cell-phone CSR just waiting for you in Kansas.....

                      Thank you Kara for living the Dream for all of us!

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                      • #12
                        I would dearly love to see that version of the Constitution.
                        That's the Official Samuel L. Jackson Constitution. Sometimes known as the Shaft Constitution.
                        "Always stand near the door." -- Doctor Who

                        Kuya's Kitchen -- Cooking, Cooking Gadgets, and Food Related Blather from a Transplanted Foodie

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                        • #13
                          Quoth Kara View Post
                          They've also found a lot of hooch (home-brewed alcohol made from primarily rotten oranges and yeast)
                          Uh....*Hides his still....again*

                          DUDETTE. You RULE.
                          Now a member of that alien race called Management.

                          Yeah, you see that right. Pink. Harness.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Are they hiring?...
                            If you don't like my attitude, talk to the manager!!! Oh, wait, that would be me!!

                            Yes, I'm the manager. I'm also known as "the brick wall".

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Maybe that guy was taught a different type of history in a different type of class. Maybe the teacher was DMX or Diddy or Eminem or Vanilla Ice.
                              You really need to see a neurologist. - Wagegoth

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