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Some abusers just don't quit

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  • Some abusers just don't quit

    A long time ago - and I do mean, a long time ago - I was involved with a guy who was manipulative in the extreme. This guy was very bad news, but he was, unfortunately for all who came into contact with him, very skilled at leading people to believe that he was a kind, caring person. He fooled everyone, including me.

    Our "relationship" was a joke. He didn't want anyone to know we were involved, so I kept it a secret. (I know. HUGE red flag. But I was younger and excited at the thought of a "hidden" relationship.) He called the shots, all the time. The "rules" of our "relationship" were his, always.

    When he dumped me, I hung around like a lost puppy, eating my heart out and waiting in agony for him to decide that he had made a huge mistake and come back to me, and then everything would be all right.

    He never did, and everything isn't exactly all right, but it's much better than it ever could have been if he were still in my life. After he dumped me, he took up with someone else, and constantly rubbed my nose in it - he flaunted her in front of me, he talked about her all the time, he said he was in love with her, and everyone knew that they were involved, in stark contrast to our "affair", which was unknown to almost all who knew either of us.

    I finally took myself out of that scene and away from him. Some years ago, I received a message on Facebook from him. I blocked him. A few years ago, I had the misfortune of running into him at an event. I told him I was leaving, and left.

    Now? He's found my email address somehow. Which means, he went online and searched until he found it, because my friends would never give it to him. He emailed me to say that "I saw you on the street a while back and you were still so angry with me." He said that he'd been "looking for you for a while now".

    Oh, and "just know I am deeply sorry".

    It has been a long, long time since I was involved with this fucker, and I now live far away from him. Unless he's just been diagnosed with a terminal illness and wants to make amends for past abuse, there is NO good reason for him to contact me.

    He's "deeply sorry". Sorry for what? He doesn't say. And I was "still so angry" with him? I don't know what the fuck he's talking about. I didn't see him on the street, and when I did see him a few years ago, I didn't say anything about being angry, so he must be thinking of someone else he screwed over. That would make sense, actually; I'm sure he's abused everyone he could.

    This is irritating in the extreme, but it's also rather scary. Even this idiot should know by now that I have no intention of reestablishing contact with him, but he's still trying. To the extent of searching for my email address online. He's still trying to get a response. He's still trying to manipulate me. He's really that stupid - and that ruthless.

    Lesson to all of us; when you leave an abuser, they will keep trying to get their hooks into you. They will try various means, including attempts to contact you through mutual acquaintances. They will think that what worked before will work again.

    I blocked his email address.

  • #2
    Excellent decision to block him. As you say, there is NO valid reason for him to contact you.

    And yes, he is undoubtedly still trying to manipulate you. I would bet the "still so angry" comment is an attempt to get you to respond. It wouldn't matter whether you agree with it or deny it ... any reaction would do. And to a lesser degree, I'd bet that the "I'm deeply sorry" comment is a similar tactic.
    Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
    ~ Mr Hero

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    • #3
      God! He ALSO sent me a message on Facebook! I blocked him from messaging my personal page, so he found another page I have (which has my name on it, because it's work-related) and messaged me there.

      This is harassment. I don't know why he wants to contact me, and I don't care. I can't block him from my professional Facebook page, but I can and did block him from attempting to contact me on LinkedIn. I haven't told him not to contact me, because I shouldn't have to do that. If he's trying to contact me, and I'm clearly not responding, that means I'm not going to respond. It doesn't mean that he has to try various approaches until I give in.

      I'm checking out my options for reporting this.

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      • #4
        Print out the contacts and go to the police. Then they'll have a record and will be able to act on future harassment
        My son thinks I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I'm not sure he's wrong.

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        • #5
          I'm keeping the email and the Facebook message. I contacted a domestic violence coalition in my home state and told them about these repeated attempts to contact me. Fortunately, not only do I now live in another country, I live on another CONTINENT. He won't be showing up at my door.

          It is creepy, though, and if I were back home, I would have gone to the police already. As it is, I refuse to respond to his messages, even to tell him to fuck off. I shouldn't have to do that; he should be just intelligent enough to realize that I don't want to have anything to do with him.

          I want someone in a position of authority to put the fear of God into him and tell him in no uncertain terms to cease and desist all attempts at communicating with me. It's not on me to tell him to stop.

          I'm beginning to wonder if he's caused trouble for himself by attempting to get in touch with other women who were unwise enough to get involved with him. If he has any kind of a record, that will cause my complaint to carry more weight.

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          • #6
            Has anyone here dealt with something like this before? Or known someone who has? Or works in this field? What are my options?

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            • #7
              I don't have any advice, I'm just chiming in to say that sucks. But it sounds like you're handling it well. Responding to his messages would just drag you in again.

              If there's a local domestic violence organization or something similar, they might be able to help you figure out what your legal options are.
              "I look at the stars. It's a clear night and the Milky Way seems so near. That's where I'll be going soon. "We are all star stuff." I suddenly remember Delenn's line from Joe's script. Not a bad prospect. I am not afraid. In the meantime, let me close my eyes and sense the beauty around me. And take that breath under the dark sky full of stars. Breathe in. Breathe out. That's all."
              -Mira Furlan

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              • #8
                My advice before comes from my husband. He has a Bachelors in Police Science, a Masters in Criminal Justice, and has been a PI since 1996. Make a record with the police AND your internet provider, AND Facebook. The bigger the paper trail the better. ISPs and Facebook do not have the jurisdictional restrictions the police have as they are international corporations.
                My son thinks I'm Lucifer Morningstar. I'm not sure he's wrong.

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                • #9
                  The message he sent on Facebook isn't there now. I don't know what happened; maybe I deleted it by accident. I'm going to report his business page to Facebook, explaining what happened, and see what they say. I've already blocked his email, and contacting my ISP wouldn't make a difference, as far as I can see, given that I live in a different country.

                  As for contacting the police, I don't even know where he lives now. My guess is that he's still where he's been all this time, but I can't say for certain. What I do know is that he contacted me twice on the same day, using two different methods, and I've had enough.

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                  • #10
                    I am not a doctor, lawyer, psychologist, etc...

                    This is not about intelligence or "getting the message". I'm sure he has gotten the message and understands it quite well. He is ignoring it, because this is a power trip. It is about control, just like your relation was. If he thinks he has a way of reaching you, he will continue to do so.

                    A good place to start would be to contact https://www.thehotline.org/. I am sure that they can answer all your questions.

                    As was already stated, keep everything.

                    There is one other thing you may need to do. You probably can't start any sort of legal process (think restraining order) until you tell him to stop.
                    Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
                    Save the Ales!
                    Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

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                    • #11
                      Thanks for the advice, csquared!

                      I haven't told him to stop because in so doing, I would be responding to his attempts to contact me. I refuse to teach him that if he badgers me long enough, he'll get an answer. It's not about hearing a specific answer. It's about getting a reply. As you said, it's about control.

                      If I do have to take legal action, I will explain to the authorities why I didn't tell him to stop. I don't know if the law sees it as I do, but to me, not answering attempts at contact is a clear sign that the person on the receiving end is not interest in being contacted. I hope that failing to respond to attempts at contact constitutes clear lack of interest.

                      Jesus, what a mess. This guy is like herpes; dormant for years, then a sudden rash.

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                      • #12
                        In some jurisdictions you have to clearly tell a stalker to stop ("I do not want anything to do with you, do not contact me again" etc) before any further action can be taken. I agree that seems strange.

                        Can you create an email filter that sends any incoming messages from him to a separate folder so you don't have to see them?

                        I was also going to suggest making a "honeypot" email address that you only use for replying GTFO and then you'd have a collection of future emails (don't even have to read the contents, just collect the emails)...but that might be difficult--if he already has your real email and notices a difference he might want you to explain why it changed.
                        "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                        "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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                        • #13
                          Would you like one of us to use our email as 'your new one?' Then you won't have to have any contact with him at all and perhaps the message might sink in if he thinks he's actually messaging you and it turns out to be the email of a large angry man...
                          Personally l think we should get a delegation from CS to inform him if he doesn't leave our lovely Eireann alone that he will face the collective wrath of CS which is mighty to behold...
                          The Copyright Monster has made me tell you that my avatar is courtesy of the wonderful Alice XZ.And you don't want to annoy the Copyright Monster.

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                          • #14
                            Quoth Kit-Ginevra View Post
                            ...Personally l think we should get a delegation from CS to inform him if he doesn't leave our lovely Eireann alone that he will face the collective wrath of CS which is mighty to behold...


                            Thank you so much!

                            Right now, I'm trying to find out how to report him, where to report him, all the rest of it. The site that csquared linked me to has live chat, but I've been unable to FIND it on any of the pages, and it should be on each page. I'd rather not have to call the 1-800 number, but it looks like I'll have to.

                            Thank you, all of you, for your support. Keep those ideas coming, and I'll let you know anytime there's news.

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                            • #15
                              Red box right below the phone number. I could be that they block it outside of the USA.
                              Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
                              Save the Ales!
                              Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

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