As I was organizing my drive I stumbled across a most dubious discovery. A seemingly innocent file simply named "Notes.txt" lodged in an old back up folder. Curiosity was faster than caution and I discovered my last batch of shift notes before my doctor ordered me to stop working.
I don't remember much of the months right after I had to quit working. They were largely pain, darkness and the occasional trip to the ER. Somewhere along the line I must have forgotten them. Then backed them up later on when I cleared out my work drive ( I used a second ssd with a separate OS for remote work. I purged it a long time ago but backed up the important document looking stuff in case of any follow up work/medical stuff that might arise from me resigning ).
Perhaps this is ( a terrible, unrelenting ) fate. But, perhaps there is catharsis to be had for finishing up this one last bit of work. The file is dated to July, 2013. So I admit I am seriously out of practice and heck I don't even know if any of you remember who I am, but let's do this.
Oh, and my company no longer exists and my NDAs are void now...
Wait, What?
( We were subcontracted to a lot of town/city emergency services )
Me: "Good evening, <Afterhours municipal emergecy>
SC: "Hey, do you want to buy a car?"
I.....what? I must admit you have put me in a bit of a bind, good sir. I am deeply conflicted over whether or not I want to know exactly what combination of factors and potential federal crimes led you to this exact moment. On one hand, I feel like I would regret knowing. On the other hand, there has got to be a story behind this.
Me: "I don't think so."
SC: "Are you sure? You can pick it up tonight."
Tonight, you say? How convenient! There is absolutely nothing strange or unusual about this situation. This seems like a completely legitimate business transaction and you, sir, appear to be a totally trustworthy businessman.
Why, it's 3 in the morning and you're still hard at working trying to make a sale! That's the kind of enthusiasm and go getter attitude that will get you places in today's world! Small, fenced in places with mandatory yard time and a court ordered representative. But places none the less.
SC: "Come on, I got the keys and everything."
Look, I understand you're probably really desperate to get someone else's fingerprints on that car. But you've really gotta work on your sales pitch. Now, I know, there's probably a body in the trunk and you're panicking because it turns out its surprisingly hard to find a pier to quietly roll a car off of. It's not working out like it does on TV.
But that's not a good excuse to lower your standards of customer service and abandon the sales script. Come on, man. Put a little pizzazz into it. Really sell me this rolling probable cause. Can't you throw in a little discount? Maybe a collector's edition commemorative poster? Some coupons? Give me something here man.
Oh, oh. Upsell me a service plan! How much would it cost for me to get a 6 month warranty on the windshield wipers? Can you offer me some sort of points card!? Do you have a membership club?!? ARE THERE AIR MILES?!?!
TELL ME.
Maybe
( This line was a medical service for hospital/clinic emergencies. A sort of doctor database when hospitals were trying to call in/locate/summon a doctor to a specific ER or OR. It would get random patient calls afterhours because doctor's would list it as their emergency number. )
Me: "Good evening, <Medical Service>"
Caller: "Are you the King of Drugs?"
That depends. Are we talking by volume or current dosage?
Now That You Mention It
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen there? I'll give you your order number."
SC: "Wait, is there an additional charge for the order number?"
......There is now.
Of Course
( The rather infamous line for a certain outdoors/sporting wear/equipment retailer )
SC: "Hey, do you guys sell choir robes?"
Hats? Sure. Pants? More than any one man should ever have to sell.
But choir robes? Not unless they come in Gor-Tex, no. ...Wait. Do they come in Gor-Tex? Ah Christ, one sec........okay, no, no they don't.
Indeed
( Company to company support was a big part of clientele. Especially retail and network management. With some high level government stuff for flavour. )
Me: "Good evening, <tech support line>"
SC: "Hello, Mr Brown! I'm calling from <obviously a telemarketing company> to tell you about a great deal we have going on-"
Me: "I'm sorry, but you're calling an emergency support line for <company>"
SC: "Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn."
No no, you were right the first time.
SC: "Sorry about that dude, they just give us a list of names and numbers.
Me: "It's alright, I understand."
SC: "Anyway, sorry about that! I'll let you get back to your shit."
Yes. My shit. Look, it's not that I do not appreciate your candor. I realize that perhaps you think of me as a kindred spirit. A fellow soldier in the trenches if you will. But I feel compelled to point out that it's highly likely we're both being recorded for quality assurance purposes.
It's A Trick Question
Me: "And your name please, sir?"
SC: "It's....uh. Shoot, let me look."
Don't take this the wrong way but I sincerely don't believe you're capable of making it all the way through to the end of this call. That was only the first question and it was by far the easiest. It's only going to get more difficult from here on out. I mean, I'm going to be asking you about numbers soon. NUMBERS, man. Then what will you do?
I don't think you have enough fingers to meet the challenges ahead and I'm afraid I can't stay on this call long enough for you to figure out how to remove socks.
Always Be Prepared
Me: "And which credit card would you like to use?"
SC: "Which credit card did I say I wanted to use again?"
Unfortunately, I am not privvy to anything you told yourself, the voices in your head or the cat. Hence my inquiry. Though I can wait for a moment if you need to inquire with any of the three.
Me: "I'm afraid you didn't say, ma'am"
SC: "Oh, right. They're both in my purse. Hang on, let me go get it."
I don't want to seem discouraging, but you seem ill prepared for a course of action you yourself initiated when you tragically dialed my number.
Me: "Alright, and the card number please?"
SC: "Numbers? Um, hang on."
.......You better not be taking off your socks.
Me: "And when does it expire?"
SC: "Um.........hang on."
You know what? Let me talk to the cat.
The Highway Of Life
Me: "Alright, and when would be a good time for them to reach you?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "....Pardon?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "When would you like them to call you back?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "......Ma'am?"
SC: "Uh.....yep?"
Right. Well. When you manage to pull the concussed deer of your intellect away from the oncoming headlights of life let me know.
As Sayings Go
SC: "Well, you know what they say: Business before business."
I hate to break it to you, but I think they might have been lying to you. How well do you know they? Do you trust they? I mean, maybe it's none of my business but I think you need to reexamination your friendship with they. I don't think they really respect you.
I Am Subtle
Me: "Good evening, <Doctor's Office>"
SC: "Oh, hi. I have a question for my doctor."
Be that as it may, it is 2am and according to the office instructions your doctor left us he is not to be contacted at this hour for anything aside from, and I quote, "patient death".
Are you suffering from patient death, sir?
Me: "Alright, well, unfortunately the office is closed and he is not on duty this evening.
SC: "Well, maybe you can answer it for me."
I appreciate that you hold "guy that answered the phone" and "guy with 7 years of medical schooling and a degree" in the same esteem when it comes to your personal health. But your confidence in my aside, I doubt I can be of much assistance.
SC: "Can he prescribe, er.......you know."
I'm not familiar with You Know. Is that the brand name?
SC: "I mean. Okay this is a little embarrassing. But, you know. The little blue pills."
Little blue pills? ......Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn. Right, gotcha. Wink wink nudge nudge. Say no more.
Boner pills.
Me: "Little blue pills? I'm afraid I wouldn't know what he can and cannot prescribe. I'm not a doctor."
SC: "Yeah, you know."
Pecker Chiclets? Dic-Tacs? S & Ms?
SC: "I mean, I don't have a problem! I just kind of want to try them, you know? Are there free samples or something?"
Jolly Ranchers you mean?
Me: "I'm not sure, sir. You'll have to ask your doctor."
SC: "Alright, I guess I can wait till the morning and call."
Oh, oh!
Fishermen's Friend.
Epilogue?
So, yeah. At some a couple years after I resigned I guess our CEO decided to make bank and move to the Bahamas or something. My former company was sold off to a larger American corporation. One that does not do the same thing we did. So my former company no longer exists. It is gone. No more. They even changed the font.
So pour one out for the salt mines, I guess, and rest assured the darkness of its callers no longer prowls this world. Well, okay, it does. But it's no longer concentrated in a single place. So that's something at least.
As for me, I am disabled and retired now thanks to that place. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of drugs to get me to where I am today. But let my misery be a cautionary tale to you all:
Call centre work sucks and will kill you.
>.>
I don't remember much of the months right after I had to quit working. They were largely pain, darkness and the occasional trip to the ER. Somewhere along the line I must have forgotten them. Then backed them up later on when I cleared out my work drive ( I used a second ssd with a separate OS for remote work. I purged it a long time ago but backed up the important document looking stuff in case of any follow up work/medical stuff that might arise from me resigning ).
Perhaps this is ( a terrible, unrelenting ) fate. But, perhaps there is catharsis to be had for finishing up this one last bit of work. The file is dated to July, 2013. So I admit I am seriously out of practice and heck I don't even know if any of you remember who I am, but let's do this.
Oh, and my company no longer exists and my NDAs are void now...
Wait, What?
( We were subcontracted to a lot of town/city emergency services )
Me: "Good evening, <Afterhours municipal emergecy>
SC: "Hey, do you want to buy a car?"
I.....what? I must admit you have put me in a bit of a bind, good sir. I am deeply conflicted over whether or not I want to know exactly what combination of factors and potential federal crimes led you to this exact moment. On one hand, I feel like I would regret knowing. On the other hand, there has got to be a story behind this.
Me: "I don't think so."
SC: "Are you sure? You can pick it up tonight."
Tonight, you say? How convenient! There is absolutely nothing strange or unusual about this situation. This seems like a completely legitimate business transaction and you, sir, appear to be a totally trustworthy businessman.
Why, it's 3 in the morning and you're still hard at working trying to make a sale! That's the kind of enthusiasm and go getter attitude that will get you places in today's world! Small, fenced in places with mandatory yard time and a court ordered representative. But places none the less.
SC: "Come on, I got the keys and everything."
Look, I understand you're probably really desperate to get someone else's fingerprints on that car. But you've really gotta work on your sales pitch. Now, I know, there's probably a body in the trunk and you're panicking because it turns out its surprisingly hard to find a pier to quietly roll a car off of. It's not working out like it does on TV.
But that's not a good excuse to lower your standards of customer service and abandon the sales script. Come on, man. Put a little pizzazz into it. Really sell me this rolling probable cause. Can't you throw in a little discount? Maybe a collector's edition commemorative poster? Some coupons? Give me something here man.
Oh, oh. Upsell me a service plan! How much would it cost for me to get a 6 month warranty on the windshield wipers? Can you offer me some sort of points card!? Do you have a membership club?!? ARE THERE AIR MILES?!?!
TELL ME.
Maybe
( This line was a medical service for hospital/clinic emergencies. A sort of doctor database when hospitals were trying to call in/locate/summon a doctor to a specific ER or OR. It would get random patient calls afterhours because doctor's would list it as their emergency number. )
Me: "Good evening, <Medical Service>"
Caller: "Are you the King of Drugs?"
That depends. Are we talking by volume or current dosage?
Now That You Mention It
Me: "Alright, do you have a pen there? I'll give you your order number."
SC: "Wait, is there an additional charge for the order number?"
......There is now.
Of Course
( The rather infamous line for a certain outdoors/sporting wear/equipment retailer )
SC: "Hey, do you guys sell choir robes?"
Hats? Sure. Pants? More than any one man should ever have to sell.
But choir robes? Not unless they come in Gor-Tex, no. ...Wait. Do they come in Gor-Tex? Ah Christ, one sec........okay, no, no they don't.
Indeed
( Company to company support was a big part of clientele. Especially retail and network management. With some high level government stuff for flavour. )
Me: "Good evening, <tech support line>"
SC: "Hello, Mr Brown! I'm calling from <obviously a telemarketing company> to tell you about a great deal we have going on-"
Me: "I'm sorry, but you're calling an emergency support line for <company>"
SC: "Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn."
No no, you were right the first time.
SC: "Sorry about that dude, they just give us a list of names and numbers.
Me: "It's alright, I understand."
SC: "Anyway, sorry about that! I'll let you get back to your shit."
Yes. My shit. Look, it's not that I do not appreciate your candor. I realize that perhaps you think of me as a kindred spirit. A fellow soldier in the trenches if you will. But I feel compelled to point out that it's highly likely we're both being recorded for quality assurance purposes.
It's A Trick Question
Me: "And your name please, sir?"
SC: "It's....uh. Shoot, let me look."
Don't take this the wrong way but I sincerely don't believe you're capable of making it all the way through to the end of this call. That was only the first question and it was by far the easiest. It's only going to get more difficult from here on out. I mean, I'm going to be asking you about numbers soon. NUMBERS, man. Then what will you do?
I don't think you have enough fingers to meet the challenges ahead and I'm afraid I can't stay on this call long enough for you to figure out how to remove socks.
Always Be Prepared
Me: "And which credit card would you like to use?"
SC: "Which credit card did I say I wanted to use again?"
Unfortunately, I am not privvy to anything you told yourself, the voices in your head or the cat. Hence my inquiry. Though I can wait for a moment if you need to inquire with any of the three.
Me: "I'm afraid you didn't say, ma'am"
SC: "Oh, right. They're both in my purse. Hang on, let me go get it."
I don't want to seem discouraging, but you seem ill prepared for a course of action you yourself initiated when you tragically dialed my number.
Me: "Alright, and the card number please?"
SC: "Numbers? Um, hang on."
.......You better not be taking off your socks.
Me: "And when does it expire?"
SC: "Um.........hang on."
You know what? Let me talk to the cat.
The Highway Of Life
Me: "Alright, and when would be a good time for them to reach you?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "....Pardon?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "When would you like them to call you back?"
SC: "Yep"
Me: "......Ma'am?"
SC: "Uh.....yep?"
Right. Well. When you manage to pull the concussed deer of your intellect away from the oncoming headlights of life let me know.
As Sayings Go
SC: "Well, you know what they say: Business before business."
I hate to break it to you, but I think they might have been lying to you. How well do you know they? Do you trust they? I mean, maybe it's none of my business but I think you need to reexamination your friendship with they. I don't think they really respect you.
I Am Subtle
Me: "Good evening, <Doctor's Office>"
SC: "Oh, hi. I have a question for my doctor."
Be that as it may, it is 2am and according to the office instructions your doctor left us he is not to be contacted at this hour for anything aside from, and I quote, "patient death".
Are you suffering from patient death, sir?
Me: "Alright, well, unfortunately the office is closed and he is not on duty this evening.
SC: "Well, maybe you can answer it for me."
I appreciate that you hold "guy that answered the phone" and "guy with 7 years of medical schooling and a degree" in the same esteem when it comes to your personal health. But your confidence in my aside, I doubt I can be of much assistance.
SC: "Can he prescribe, er.......you know."
I'm not familiar with You Know. Is that the brand name?
SC: "I mean. Okay this is a little embarrassing. But, you know. The little blue pills."
Little blue pills? ......Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn. Right, gotcha. Wink wink nudge nudge. Say no more.
Boner pills.
Me: "Little blue pills? I'm afraid I wouldn't know what he can and cannot prescribe. I'm not a doctor."
SC: "Yeah, you know."
Pecker Chiclets? Dic-Tacs? S & Ms?
SC: "I mean, I don't have a problem! I just kind of want to try them, you know? Are there free samples or something?"
Jolly Ranchers you mean?
Me: "I'm not sure, sir. You'll have to ask your doctor."
SC: "Alright, I guess I can wait till the morning and call."
Oh, oh!
Fishermen's Friend.
Epilogue?
So, yeah. At some a couple years after I resigned I guess our CEO decided to make bank and move to the Bahamas or something. My former company was sold off to a larger American corporation. One that does not do the same thing we did. So my former company no longer exists. It is gone. No more. They even changed the font.
So pour one out for the salt mines, I guess, and rest assured the darkness of its callers no longer prowls this world. Well, okay, it does. But it's no longer concentrated in a single place. So that's something at least.
As for me, I am disabled and retired now thanks to that place. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of drugs to get me to where I am today. But let my misery be a cautionary tale to you all:
Call centre work sucks and will kill you.
>.>
Comment