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Wherein We Make a Terrifying Discovery

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  • Wherein We Make a Terrifying Discovery

    As I was organizing my drive I stumbled across a most dubious discovery. A seemingly innocent file simply named "Notes.txt" lodged in an old back up folder. Curiosity was faster than caution and I discovered my last batch of shift notes before my doctor ordered me to stop working.

    I don't remember much of the months right after I had to quit working. They were largely pain, darkness and the occasional trip to the ER. Somewhere along the line I must have forgotten them. Then backed them up later on when I cleared out my work drive ( I used a second ssd with a separate OS for remote work. I purged it a long time ago but backed up the important document looking stuff in case of any follow up work/medical stuff that might arise from me resigning ).

    Perhaps this is ( a terrible, unrelenting ) fate. But, perhaps there is catharsis to be had for finishing up this one last bit of work. The file is dated to July, 2013. So I admit I am seriously out of practice and heck I don't even know if any of you remember who I am, but let's do this.

    Oh, and my company no longer exists and my NDAs are void now...


    Wait, What?
    ( We were subcontracted to a lot of town/city emergency services )

    Me: "Good evening, <Afterhours municipal emergecy>
    SC: "Hey, do you want to buy a car?"

    I.....what? I must admit you have put me in a bit of a bind, good sir. I am deeply conflicted over whether or not I want to know exactly what combination of factors and potential federal crimes led you to this exact moment. On one hand, I feel like I would regret knowing. On the other hand, there has got to be a story behind this.


    Me: "I don't think so."
    SC: "Are you sure? You can pick it up tonight."

    Tonight, you say? How convenient! There is absolutely nothing strange or unusual about this situation. This seems like a completely legitimate business transaction and you, sir, appear to be a totally trustworthy businessman.

    Why, it's 3 in the morning and you're still hard at working trying to make a sale! That's the kind of enthusiasm and go getter attitude that will get you places in today's world! Small, fenced in places with mandatory yard time and a court ordered representative. But places none the less.


    SC: "Come on, I got the keys and everything."

    Look, I understand you're probably really desperate to get someone else's fingerprints on that car. But you've really gotta work on your sales pitch. Now, I know, there's probably a body in the trunk and you're panicking because it turns out its surprisingly hard to find a pier to quietly roll a car off of. It's not working out like it does on TV.

    But that's not a good excuse to lower your standards of customer service and abandon the sales script. Come on, man. Put a little pizzazz into it. Really sell me this rolling probable cause. Can't you throw in a little discount? Maybe a collector's edition commemorative poster? Some coupons? Give me something here man.

    Oh, oh. Upsell me a service plan! How much would it cost for me to get a 6 month warranty on the windshield wipers? Can you offer me some sort of points card!? Do you have a membership club?!? ARE THERE AIR MILES?!?!

    TELL ME.



    Maybe
    ( This line was a medical service for hospital/clinic emergencies. A sort of doctor database when hospitals were trying to call in/locate/summon a doctor to a specific ER or OR. It would get random patient calls afterhours because doctor's would list it as their emergency number. )

    Me: "Good evening, <Medical Service>"
    Caller: "Are you the King of Drugs?"

    That depends. Are we talking by volume or current dosage?



    Now That You Mention It

    Me: "Alright, do you have a pen there? I'll give you your order number."
    SC: "Wait, is there an additional charge for the order number?"

    ......There is now.



    Of Course
    ( The rather infamous line for a certain outdoors/sporting wear/equipment retailer )

    SC: "Hey, do you guys sell choir robes?"

    Hats? Sure. Pants? More than any one man should ever have to sell.

    But choir robes? Not unless they come in Gor-Tex, no. ...Wait. Do they come in Gor-Tex? Ah Christ, one sec........okay, no, no they don't.



    Indeed
    ( Company to company support was a big part of clientele. Especially retail and network management. With some high level government stuff for flavour. )

    Me: "Good evening, <tech support line>"
    SC: "Hello, Mr Brown! I'm calling from <obviously a telemarketing company> to tell you about a great deal we have going on-"
    Me: "I'm sorry, but you're calling an emergency support line for <company>"
    SC: "Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn."

    No no, you were right the first time.


    SC: "Sorry about that dude, they just give us a list of names and numbers.
    Me: "It's alright, I understand."
    SC: "Anyway, sorry about that! I'll let you get back to your shit."

    Yes. My shit. Look, it's not that I do not appreciate your candor. I realize that perhaps you think of me as a kindred spirit. A fellow soldier in the trenches if you will. But I feel compelled to point out that it's highly likely we're both being recorded for quality assurance purposes.



    It's A Trick Question

    Me: "And your name please, sir?"
    SC: "It's....uh. Shoot, let me look."

    Don't take this the wrong way but I sincerely don't believe you're capable of making it all the way through to the end of this call. That was only the first question and it was by far the easiest. It's only going to get more difficult from here on out. I mean, I'm going to be asking you about numbers soon. NUMBERS, man. Then what will you do?

    I don't think you have enough fingers to meet the challenges ahead and I'm afraid I can't stay on this call long enough for you to figure out how to remove socks.


    Always Be Prepared

    Me: "And which credit card would you like to use?"
    SC: "Which credit card did I say I wanted to use again?"

    Unfortunately, I am not privvy to anything you told yourself, the voices in your head or the cat. Hence my inquiry. Though I can wait for a moment if you need to inquire with any of the three.


    Me: "I'm afraid you didn't say, ma'am"
    SC: "Oh, right. They're both in my purse. Hang on, let me go get it."

    I don't want to seem discouraging, but you seem ill prepared for a course of action you yourself initiated when you tragically dialed my number.


    Me: "Alright, and the card number please?"
    SC: "Numbers? Um, hang on."

    .......You better not be taking off your socks.


    Me: "And when does it expire?"
    SC: "Um.........hang on."

    You know what? Let me talk to the cat.


    The Highway Of Life

    Me: "Alright, and when would be a good time for them to reach you?"
    SC: "Yep"
    Me: "....Pardon?"
    SC: "Yep"
    Me: "When would you like them to call you back?"
    SC: "Yep"
    Me: "......Ma'am?"
    SC: "Uh.....yep?"

    Right. Well. When you manage to pull the concussed deer of your intellect away from the oncoming headlights of life let me know.



    As Sayings Go

    SC: "Well, you know what they say: Business before business."

    I hate to break it to you, but I think they might have been lying to you. How well do you know they? Do you trust they? I mean, maybe it's none of my business but I think you need to reexamination your friendship with they. I don't think they really respect you.



    I Am Subtle


    Me: "Good evening, <Doctor's Office>"
    SC: "Oh, hi. I have a question for my doctor."

    Be that as it may, it is 2am and according to the office instructions your doctor left us he is not to be contacted at this hour for anything aside from, and I quote, "patient death".

    Are you suffering from patient death, sir?


    Me: "Alright, well, unfortunately the office is closed and he is not on duty this evening.
    SC: "Well, maybe you can answer it for me."

    I appreciate that you hold "guy that answered the phone" and "guy with 7 years of medical schooling and a degree" in the same esteem when it comes to your personal health. But your confidence in my aside, I doubt I can be of much assistance.


    SC: "Can he prescribe, er.......you know."

    I'm not familiar with You Know. Is that the brand name?


    SC: "I mean. Okay this is a little embarrassing. But, you know. The little blue pills."

    Little blue pills? ......Oh. OH. SHIT. Er, I mean, damn. Oh damn. Right, gotcha. Wink wink nudge nudge. Say no more.

    Boner pills.


    Me: "Little blue pills? I'm afraid I wouldn't know what he can and cannot prescribe. I'm not a doctor."
    SC: "Yeah, you know."

    Pecker Chiclets? Dic-Tacs? S & Ms?


    SC: "I mean, I don't have a problem! I just kind of want to try them, you know? Are there free samples or something?"

    Jolly Ranchers you mean?


    Me: "I'm not sure, sir. You'll have to ask your doctor."
    SC: "Alright, I guess I can wait till the morning and call."

    Oh, oh!

    Fishermen's Friend.





    Epilogue?

    So, yeah. At some a couple years after I resigned I guess our CEO decided to make bank and move to the Bahamas or something. My former company was sold off to a larger American corporation. One that does not do the same thing we did. So my former company no longer exists. It is gone. No more. They even changed the font.

    So pour one out for the salt mines, I guess, and rest assured the darkness of its callers no longer prowls this world. Well, okay, it does. But it's no longer concentrated in a single place. So that's something at least.

    As for me, I am disabled and retired now thanks to that place. Its taken a lot of time and a lot of drugs to get me to where I am today. But let my misery be a cautionary tale to you all:

    Call centre work sucks and will kill you.

    >.>
    Last edited by Gravekeeper; 10-09-2017, 02:16 AM.

  • #2
    Wow! I'm not sure if I'm happy about you keeping this for us or sad that you had to remember all that stuff again.

    Comment


    • #3
      OMG do my eyes deceive me?? Is that a GRAVEKEEPER post?!

      It is. For serious. OMG.

      How have you been, GK? I know you used to post on Fratching sometimes but I haven't visited there for a while. Hope things are going as well as possible for you.

      This post is truly a gift. You haven't lost your touch.

      Dic-tacs
      When you start at zero, everything's progress.

      Comment


      • #4
        I think you could say that you are remembered around here, GK.

        I'm sorry to hear that you are disabled, but happy to hear that you are out of call center hell. OK, I'm a little sad about that too, because you no longer have source material for the amazing posts you used to write, but mainly happy that you don't have to deal with the same level of sucktomer any more.

        Hugs to you!
        “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
        One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
        The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

        Comment


        • #5
          GK, if you read the above posts, I think that you will clearly see that you are remembered, and quite fondly at that. And you posts are still top notch.

          Sorry to hear that you are in such rough shape. Best of luck to you.
          Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
          Save the Ales!
          Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

          Comment


          • #6
            Quoth Gravekeeper View Post

            Call centre work sucks and will kill you.

            >.>
            So does retail and I'm glad I'm out of that life. Welcome back.
            Knowledge is power. Power corrupts. Study hard. Be evil.

            "I never said I wasn't a horrible person."--Me, almost daily

            Comment


            • #7
              Gravekeeper post! Gravekeeper post! Gravekeeper post! Gravekeeper post! Gravekeeper post! OMG! Doing the happy dance! There is a new Gravekeeper post!

              Now that I've danced around the room a few times, welcome back Gravekeeper. It's sad to hear that you are now disabled, but I'm glad you have been able to start moving forward. I hope that one day you can find a way to a good place in your life again.

              OMG Gravekeeper post! (Sorry, I'll shush now, but you have made a very shit day have a bright spot. So thanks.)
              A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

              Comment


              • #8
                omg omg omg omg omg its Gravekeeper.
                YAY!!!!!!!

                I saw some really bad rappers/singers the other day that reminded me of the one that you used to write about.
                Their act seemed to consist of one girl screaming like a sea gull in time with the beat while another's lyrics seemed to be "mumble mumble mumble MY N**GA!!!" repeated over and over.
                Both were whiter than a [insert stereotypical white thing] so the act may well have been fairly short lived
                Last edited by the lawsmeister; 10-09-2017, 04:54 AM.
                Be Nicer To Retail Workers 2K18, also known as: stop being an incredibly shitty human to people just doing their job.

                Comment


                • #9
                  A Gravekeeper post!


                  Sorry to hear you're disabled, but man! It's good to see you on the board again! You left some mighty big shoes to fill around here.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    I also remember YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

                    I also remember the fight you had with your "employer" about your working conditions (chair, desk, etc.) which unfortuneately led to your present condition.

                    I hope your body recovered somewhat

                    I remember Uncle <someone> the conspirisy nut, the certain northern provence (yeah I know but those stories were interesting to say the least), the stalker. Sir Shake and Bake (the subway singer I think) and most of the rest of the general stupidity/weirdness/WTFever you put up with.

                    And you had a nice voice (the one YT video you did)

                    It is good to see that you are alive a kickin' (so to speak) LOL
                    I'm lost without a paddle and headed up SH*T creek.
                    -- Life Sucks Then You Die.


                    "I'll believe corp. are people when Texas executes one."

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Quoth Gravekeeper View Post
                      Caller: "Are you the King of Drugs?"
                      He's the lesser-known King of Painkillers.
                      To right the countless wrongs of our days... We shine this light of true redemption, that this place may become as paradise...Oh, what a wonderful world such would be...

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        I definitely remember you (points to my location field.) At first I assumed someone had resurrected one of your posts from time gone by, but the number of replies was way too low for that. Glad to see you’re still going, saddened to learn of your destruction at the hands of mismanglement.
                        This was one of those times where my mouth says "have a nice day" but my brain says "go step on a Lego". - RegisterAce
                        I can't make something magically appear to fulfill all your hopes and dreams. Believe me, if I could I'd be the first person I'd help. - Trixie

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Wow - so glad to read a post of yours, missed you lots ... hope you post here, doesn't have to be about work there are other categories, and you can comment on other people's posts too =)
                          EVE Online: 99% of the time you sit around waiting for something to happen, but that 1% of action is what hooks people like crack, you don't get interviewed by the BBC for a WoW raid.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Welcome back, GK!!!

                            Please feel free to get to know the newer members here . . . they've been well versed on the legend.

                            Glad you managed to escape but it sucks royally that it took such a major toll on you. I'm right now taking a much needed vacation week away from the grocery store (if I didn't, I just might be going postal soon.)

                            But it's still good that you're back.
                            Human Resources - the adult version of "I'm telling Mom." - Agent Anthony "Tony" DiNozzo (NCIS)

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Glad you were able to escape that living hell, even if it was in what I can only presume was a rather abrupt manner. More importantly, I'm glad to hear that you landed on your feet, so to speak. As epic as your stories have always been, your personal health tru-- er, is more important, period.

                              Tho, as an aside, I do believe this one belongs in your personal hall of legendary callers:
                              Me: "And your name please, sir?"
                              SC: "It's....uh. Shoot, let me look."
                              Be well, GK.
                              "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                              "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                              "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                              "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                              "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                              "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                              Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                              "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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