Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

Some emotional house cleaning

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • Some emotional house cleaning

    Some of you may remember that some time ago, I ran into a guy I once knew. He and I used to get along very well, or so I thought. But when the shit really hit the fan for me, he disappeared. I unfriended him on Facebook and removed him from my Skype contacts.

    So, as it turns out, we both frequent the same hangout. He walked up and said hello to me one evening, and I didn't recognize him. He had to remind me. Then, the light dawned. We chatted briefly.

    Some time after that, I ran into him again. This time, he looked very pleased to see me, and struck up a conversation. This irked me. It had been a long time, he knew that I had been in a very bad situation, and suddenly, he wanted me around. I didn't like that at all; I'm not here to provide social interaction for him. Even when we spent time together all those years ago, he used to complain about things that we were tired of hearing. And when we women talked about men we found attractive, he got really pissy and made rude remarks.

    So I just didn't (and don't) feel like letting him back in my life. He's been saying hello to me, sometimes going so far as to interrupt a conversation I'm having with someone else to do it. And I've been very chilly to him.

    Tonight, at the hangout, I was sitting alone when two guys asked if they could sit at my table. Sure, no problem. This guy (let's call him Todd) was also in the room, and I knew he had seen me. Some time later, he sauntered over and asked if he could join us.

    I thought, "Oh, great." He was sitting next to me. He knew the two guys at my table, and talked to them about various things, using a lot of colorful language. I'm no stranger to colorful language, and I'm highly fluent in it myself, but it seemed that he was just trying to draw attention to himself. He said hello to me as he sat down, and asked how I was. I said, "Fine," and picked up my book.

    The guys went off somewhere else later, and sure enough, Todd came over and sat down at the table. He leaned over and said, "Eireann, if you don't want to talk to me, I understand. I'm just wondering if that's the case." (Or something like that; it was noisy in the room, and I had a little trouble hearing him.)

    I looked at him and said, "You belong in my past, Todd, and I belong in yours."

    He apologized - I think for what he did several years ago. And he got up and left.

    It feels right. I've given too many chances to too many of the wrong people, and I've regretted it more often than not. And the way I said it was as right as I could make it. Not just that he's in my past (not present, and definitely not future), but that I am also in his.

    Thoughts?

  • #2
    I think that was a polite but clear way of saying "Go away." Unless you feel that your response might have been a mistake, it seems to me that you did a very sensible thing. You know from past experience that he cannot be depended upon when the going gets tough, so ... he's not a friend, just (at best) a nodding acquaintance.
    Customer service: More efficient than a Dementor's kiss
    ~ Mr Hero

    Comment


    • #3
      You worded that a hell of a lot more politely than I would have, but you made it clear that you were not willing to be his friend anymore.

      The only thing I would have done was cut him off sooner, first or second time seeing him, but I'm pretty blunt when someone has hurt me.
      A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

      Comment


      • #4
        If you tear into someone, it shows that there are feelings. Feelings that could be manipulated. If you had done so, I bet that he would be back.

        That was polite, blunt, and cold. I don't think that you could have sealed that any better. I would be surprised to see him try again.
        Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
        Save the Ales!
        Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

        Comment


        • #5
          Sounds good to me. Brief, cordial, and to the point. Good for you!
          When you start at zero, everything's progress.

          Comment


          • #6
            Thanks!

            I have a history of letting people into my life, or back into my life, when they aren't good for me. Some have been downright toxic. This guy isn't toxic, as far as I can see, but he has shown that when things are truly horrible, he's not interested in knowing me.

            I've noticed that when he's at the hangout, he's always alone. Of course, I'm often alone when I'm there, though I know that I'll almost always find one of my friends/acquaintances there. And if I don't, I end up talking to someone anyway. Since "Todd" is always alone, I get the distinct impression that he looked at me and saw instant social interaction.

            Uh-uh, wrong. Even if he hadn't disappeared during that shitty time of my life, there were many things about him back in the day that got on my nerves. And I'm not here to be someone's social life. I don't like it when anyone attempts to make me pay attention to them, and I think that's what he was trying to do.

            When I told him that he belongs in my past, it was easy. I didn't have to psych myself up for it. I wasn't scared or nervous. I'm finally learning that the people who are in my life must be there because it's beneficial to both of us, not just one.

            Comment


            • #7
              What do I think?

              AWESOME!
              “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
              One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
              The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

              Comment


              • #8
                Checkmate

                well played
                AkaiKitsune
                Sarcasm dear, sarcasm. I’m well aware that dealing with civilians in any capacity will skin your faith in humanity alive, then pickle anything that remains so as to watch it shrivel up into an immortal husk thus reminding you of how dead inside you now are.

                Comment


                • #9
                  This evening, I was at the hangout again.

                  So was "Todd".

                  He was sitting elsewhere, and he certainly knew I was there within a minute after I entered. The owner of the place looked at me and said enthusiastically, "Eireann!"

                  Well, shit. But he would have found out anyway.

                  So I sat in one place, he sat in another, and that was that.

                  But.

                  Some time later, when I thought he had gone, he showed up, with a smile on his face. He said, "Hi, Eireann."

                  "Hi," I said frostily.

                  "How are you?"

                  After a long pause, I said, "Fine."

                  He then said, "I know you don't want to talk to me, and I'm sorry."

                  I said nothing.

                  What the fuck has to happen to get the message across that he is not a part of my life? I refuse to let him draw me into a conversation. I also refuse to let him chase me out of my favorite place. Right now, I just want to beat the shit out of him for being too dense, whether deliberately or otherwise, to stay the fuck away from me.

                  What a fucking asshole, to so blatantly disregard my clearly expressed wishes and try to force his company on me.

                  God, am I pissed off!

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Sounds like he's Mr. I Want the Last Word. He's trying to get to the point where HE decides he doesn't want to be in your life anymore. Asshole. Next time don't even respond, just turn away. Maybe he'll finally get the point. One can hope.
                    When you start at zero, everything's progress.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I lose my bet. I'm going with MoonCat's theory. However, if that is his behavior, it may be difficult to get rid of him. I wonder if you will need to enlist the Owner's help. Have him threaten to throw Todd out if he continues to harass you.
                      Life is too short to not eat popcorn.
                      Save the Ales!
                      Toys for Tots at Rooster's Cafe

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Maybe it's time to be a bit ruder if he doesn't get the hint. Give him 1 more chance to get the hint with you just giving him the cold shoulder.

                        If he bugs you after that, time to pull out the swearing and make a scene. Then everyone in the area will be aware of the issue too. Hopefully a few regulars might then be aware of the issues.
                        A good bookshop is just a genteel Black Hole that knows how to read. - Terry Pratchett, Guards! Guards!

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          In retrospect, I can see that responding to him last night was an error. I was amazed that he'd even try to talk to me.

                          I'm also thoroughly pissed off that he was standing there with a smile on his face, as if to say, "Look at all this kindness I'm offering."

                          No more of this shit. I'm talking to the owner - today, if I can get him during a lull. This is going to stop.

                          One of the things that pisses me off is that I'm now concerned for my safety. I've never known this guy to be violent, but there are so many things we don't know even about people who are close to us (and this guy definitely doesn't fit into that category). I want to be sure he doesn't try to follow me home. I want to be sure he won't try to attack me. I just want him to go away.

                          And I don't want to have anyone say, "Oh, come on, why would he do that?" Why does anybody do that? I want to be taken seriously.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Be careful. Can you find someone to walk you home or something?
                            Customers should always be served . . . to the nearest great white.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              I contacted the owner through chat today, and told him what is going on.

                              He knew which customer I meant, describing him perfectly. I said that, yes, that's the guy, and how did he know?

                              I haven't heard back from him (the owner) yet. Rapscallion and Kristev both think that this means other people have been bothered by "Todd". I think that sounds very likely. It hadn't occurred to me earlier, though. Another friend pointed out that creepy people are creepy to everyone, which also makes sense.

                              So, I don't know what will happen. But since the owner is already aware of a problem, or a potential problem, I am relieved.

                              Comment

                              Working...
                              X