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Oi....costumes last night....sucked so much.... ><
Horse Molesting
Sure, you're scraggly, utterly insane, compulsively scratching yourself and look like the mugshot of every serial killer, rapist and/or weird old farmer that was caught by police having inappropriate relations with a horse. Oh, and yeah, you did get on the Skytrain, shufflewalk to the back, sit down and begin lighting things on fire much to the horror of everyone nearby. But! You *did* have a Canucks jersey on. In fact it was the only part of you that wasn't covered in 3 layers of grim. Although I don't know if you actually bought it, stole it, or simply peeled it off the back of your last victim….but still!
So, Mr Pyromaniac serial killer rapist horse molester, I salute you and your home town hockey spirit! ( Please don't hurt me. )
We're headin' down river....
Me: "Ok, I see here that the tech advised you that you'd have to go to your bank and file an e-claim to resolve this?"
SC: "Uh...yaw"
Me: "Ok, have you done that?"
SC: "Yaw. I wen' to da bank and did dat an they said it'd take 48 ta 72 hours. So how long is it gonna take?!"
Me: "…….the bank told you it would take 48 to 72 hours?"
SC: "Yaw."
Me: "Then it will take 48 to 72 hours."
SC: "Oh, ok."
....you call your sister "Mom" don't you?
New Additions
Me: "and how do you spell your last name?"
SC: "X-X-X-X-X-X-ZAI"
…..Zai? Well, that's a new one………we're going to have to rewrite the song and everything.
Even Our Clients Are Idjits...
Me: "I have a call here for you from <Security Company>. Regarding a fire trouble signal at <building>."
OC: "Yeah, I already took care of that this afternoon."
Me: "Yes, well, they're calling again about it."
OC: "Oh. They are?"
No, we just like to call you at 1am and review calls you picked up 6 or 7 hours earlier. Its part of our customer care follow up program. I'll be calling you again around 5am to remind you again. Around 7am or so I'll be showing up at your house where I will jimmy a window open, slip quietly into your living room, sneak into your bathroom while you're taking a shower and get a towel ready for you. When the subconscious nagging fear of my presence finally makes you realize I'm there and you demand shriek like a little girl and demand to know why ( Don't worry, I'll have a towel ready to cover your naughty bits. ), I'll remind you about that pesky fire trouble signal.
The Parkade.....with a twist.
I've heard locked out of the parkade. But locked IN the parkade? That takes some sort of talent. Were you napping *under* your car or something? Or did you just think the security guard was "it" and were trying to avoid being tagged by hiding? Seriously, how the hell did you get locked IN the parkade? You'd have to be *trying*.
( The on call maintenance guy told him to get bent too, hahahah )
Business Hours(tm)
SC: "I've been calling every day now about the payment I made on the 19th and no one's called back yet!"
Me: "Hmm, ok, I'm not seeing any resolution for your case yet. Have you asked the main office during business hours? They may have more information or may need to speak with you directly to resolve this."
SC: "Uh, no."
Yes, I've spoken with you before. You call between 1am and 3am every other night or so about this and then wonder why the billing department isn't in to fix your worthless cell phone account. Thus far I have dropped not so subtle hints on you in all 5 previous calls. Yet you persist against my advice for some reason. As if you enjoy this or are under the woefully misguided impression that we do.
Not again...
"It’s a transaction for Cox."
….the scary place is back again….I seriously pity whomever has to answer the phones over at Cox.
867
"Good morning, <company>-"
"I WANT ORDER PLACE COD"
THROGDOR WANT PANTS OR THROGDOR CRUSH.
Police Brutality
Caller was arrested, stripped naked by the sheriff and left to wander the highway for a bit before they brought him in. God Bless Texas.
No Love
So…how do I put this? I saw what I can only describe as a Werepimp on the Skytrain tonight. It was one of those asshats that normally dresses in a fashion that would embarrass Vanilla Ice ( Blinding white tracksuit with gold trim, 6 inches of underwear, bling ) but he was wearing a hideous latex monster mask and platinum blond wig + fedora. Hence…Werepimp. I can think of no other term to describe Werepimp.
Girl 1 to Girl 2: "Happy Halloween!"
Werepimp: "Thanks!"
Girl 1: "Not you"
Werepimp:
Werepimp don't get no love from the honeys.
You *jackass*
Me: "Ok, and you said you were being pulled over?"
SC: "Just tell him my number. That’s all you need to know."
You know, my motivation to assist you was a paltry, scrawny, feeble little thing to begin with that had just kind of half dragged half limped its way out, wheezing and gagging, into the sun just for this call. You, my friend, just backed it over with your jackass wagon. So you'll pardon me if I make only the bare minimum effort to assist you from this point forward. I'm also privately hoping you get arrested and at some point in your dark, hopeless future you inadvertently drop the soap.
Actually, give the phone to the cop. I can hear him in the background explaining that there's a court order banning you from operating a motor vehicle which you, in your brilliance, chose to ignore. I want to see if there's any information, light hearted encouragement or outright bribery I can provide him that could speed up your arrest and eventual shower love. Tell him there's a box of Timbits with his name on it if he can get you behind bars within the next 60 minutes.
In fact if there is anything I can do within my power to expedite having a large, burly bunkmate ride the bologna pony up your old dirt road let me know right now. Because I will do it.
Minions
Caller: "Thanks, boss!"
I don't recall holding any sort of superior position to you. However, far be it for me to disagree to your subservience. It's hard to find good minions these days so I need all the help I can get, really.
First things first, dealing with those pesky Joes.....first we need a plan. Preferably one that begins with kidnapping some completely random scientist and making him build like...a lava machine or a machine that will vaporize all the money in the world. Which we will then replace with Cobra bucks in return for people's valuables. Yeah, *thats* a damn fine plan.
Its All So Clear Now
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "P-O-T…..huh…huhuhuhuhuhhehehehe.uhh.....wait..."
Me: "Your postal code."
SC: "Right, ok, P-O-"
God, that explains so much...
867
Me: "and your first name?"
SC: "G-Unit. Er…uh…wait…..no…"
Ok, well, Caller Formerly Known as G-Unit, once you figure out who the hell you are and what you want, give me a call back.
867
Me: "Ok, and your phone number, please?"
SC: "…uh….uh….area code first?"
No, just throw that in somewhere at random. I like a challenge. Few things at work give me more joy then having to act like some sort of F*ckwit Enigma Machine and decode the fiery bits of wreckage that fly off your train of thought and land on the phone line.
Oh GOD
Sweet mother of Christ. Remind me to never, ever ask what a call is regarding until AFTER I check the file to see what kind of doctor's office it is. ( In this case, gynecologist…. )
I know you guys won't let my off the hook till I elaborate so I will just type it word for word what she said:
"She's just starting her period and at first she was just spotting. But now she's sitting on the toilet and something's hanging out."
I don't remember if she said anything else beyond that because my brain seized.
Halloween Round Up!
Oh wow, Vancouverites, or at least the ones downtown last night, really….REALLY *suck* at Halloween this year. Tragically suck. I don't recall ever having seen that much fail wandering the streets in any previous year. Since I have nothing better to do I shall provide blow by blow reviews of every costume sighting I had this evening:
Orange Guy:
I don't know what you were attempted to transform yourself into aside from a vibrant eyesore. As far as I can tell all you did was paint yourself orange. Aside from that you were wearing completely normal cloths and had no other props to speak of. You just painted any visible skin orange. Badly, I might add.
Angel
Psst. I can *see* the duct tape holding those on.
Geisha
You're doing it wrong. That's a bath robe. Geisha did not wear terrycloth despite your attempts to envision the idea with sash and ribbon. Also, Geisha painted their entire face and neck. Basically any area that was not concealed by kimono. You painted only your face…rather badly….as if you did it with a pocket mirror on the Skytrain trip in from Surrey. Japan weeps at the disgrace you bring.
Girl Who's Entire Costume Consisted Of Just Clutching an Inflatable Male Sex Doll
.....wait, what? The fark....
Pink Lady
If I recall correctly the Pink Ladies ( Whose logo you donned ) are a breast cancer awareness organization. I'm not sure what justice you're attempting to do them by wearing giant oversized sunglasses and stuffing all that toilet paper down the back of your pants to give you a comically fat ass.
Pillsbury Failboy
At least I think you were attempting the Pillsbury Doughboy…..I'm not sure. It looks more like you killed and pelted a tent at Canadian Tire. You didn't even have a mask or anything. Just the body….? I don't know. I give up.
Skiboots Asshat & Basketball Dumbass
Skiboots and a hat….that was your costume. Your entire costume. Still, it does top your friend who was wearing a basketball jersey + shorts as a costume. I'm not sure what the pair of you were suppose to be but you were *really* damn proud of it as you attempted to High Fivin' White Guys everyone coming from the opposing direction while they tried to avoid you in embarrassment.
Fireman
All you had was the hat….just the hat and all the hat itself said was "There's an empty shelf at a Dollar Store somewhere."
Cheap Blond Whore
You were with Fireman and I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what year Cheap Whore became an acceptable costume. Maybe it was a Paris Hilton costume? I don't know. You and your date, Fireman, were walking ahead of me and I was trying to look anywhere but directly at you since even after a cursory glance at your back I now know you more intimately then even your date does. <shudder>
Hiker
….uh….you were with Fireman and Cheap Blond Slut. I thought you were a backpacker looking for a hostel at first. But it became rapidly apparent that was your actual costume. You fail more then Fireman. At least he went out and bought something ( For 99 cents ). You just threw on a backpack from your closet.
Hobo
There's an inherent cruel irony in dressing up like a hobo and then walking down Granville past the hobos. I've not yet decided if I applaud or disapprove of this masquerade.
Pirates
Pirates are always awesome and you guys were in full character. I approve of your shenanigans. You appeared to be threatening the life of Hobo for not dressing like a pirate. Which I do fully approve of. Wanton violence by packs of pirates is always entertaining and always negates assault charges by default.
Guy In Full Body Ultimate Warrior Muscle Suit, Face Paint and Wig
Shine on, you crazy diamond. Shine on.
The Village People
I give you 5 out of 6. 6 being the Biker on the end. Whom I shall call Moobs after his massive, hairy man boobs that were ill concealed by the skimpy black leather vest. Which was the sole article of clothing he was wearing above the waist. <shudder>
Bloody hell its good to be on my days off. ><
Horse Molesting
Sure, you're scraggly, utterly insane, compulsively scratching yourself and look like the mugshot of every serial killer, rapist and/or weird old farmer that was caught by police having inappropriate relations with a horse. Oh, and yeah, you did get on the Skytrain, shufflewalk to the back, sit down and begin lighting things on fire much to the horror of everyone nearby. But! You *did* have a Canucks jersey on. In fact it was the only part of you that wasn't covered in 3 layers of grim. Although I don't know if you actually bought it, stole it, or simply peeled it off the back of your last victim….but still!
So, Mr Pyromaniac serial killer rapist horse molester, I salute you and your home town hockey spirit! ( Please don't hurt me. )
We're headin' down river....
Me: "Ok, I see here that the tech advised you that you'd have to go to your bank and file an e-claim to resolve this?"
SC: "Uh...yaw"
Me: "Ok, have you done that?"
SC: "Yaw. I wen' to da bank and did dat an they said it'd take 48 ta 72 hours. So how long is it gonna take?!"
Me: "…….the bank told you it would take 48 to 72 hours?"
SC: "Yaw."
Me: "Then it will take 48 to 72 hours."
SC: "Oh, ok."
....you call your sister "Mom" don't you?
New Additions
Me: "and how do you spell your last name?"
SC: "X-X-X-X-X-X-ZAI"
…..Zai? Well, that's a new one………we're going to have to rewrite the song and everything.
Even Our Clients Are Idjits...
Me: "I have a call here for you from <Security Company>. Regarding a fire trouble signal at <building>."
OC: "Yeah, I already took care of that this afternoon."
Me: "Yes, well, they're calling again about it."
OC: "Oh. They are?"
No, we just like to call you at 1am and review calls you picked up 6 or 7 hours earlier. Its part of our customer care follow up program. I'll be calling you again around 5am to remind you again. Around 7am or so I'll be showing up at your house where I will jimmy a window open, slip quietly into your living room, sneak into your bathroom while you're taking a shower and get a towel ready for you. When the subconscious nagging fear of my presence finally makes you realize I'm there and you demand shriek like a little girl and demand to know why ( Don't worry, I'll have a towel ready to cover your naughty bits. ), I'll remind you about that pesky fire trouble signal.
The Parkade.....with a twist.
I've heard locked out of the parkade. But locked IN the parkade? That takes some sort of talent. Were you napping *under* your car or something? Or did you just think the security guard was "it" and were trying to avoid being tagged by hiding? Seriously, how the hell did you get locked IN the parkade? You'd have to be *trying*.
( The on call maintenance guy told him to get bent too, hahahah )
Business Hours(tm)
SC: "I've been calling every day now about the payment I made on the 19th and no one's called back yet!"
Me: "Hmm, ok, I'm not seeing any resolution for your case yet. Have you asked the main office during business hours? They may have more information or may need to speak with you directly to resolve this."
SC: "Uh, no."
Yes, I've spoken with you before. You call between 1am and 3am every other night or so about this and then wonder why the billing department isn't in to fix your worthless cell phone account. Thus far I have dropped not so subtle hints on you in all 5 previous calls. Yet you persist against my advice for some reason. As if you enjoy this or are under the woefully misguided impression that we do.
Not again...
"It’s a transaction for Cox."
….the scary place is back again….I seriously pity whomever has to answer the phones over at Cox.
867
"Good morning, <company>-"
"I WANT ORDER PLACE COD"
THROGDOR WANT PANTS OR THROGDOR CRUSH.
Police Brutality
Caller was arrested, stripped naked by the sheriff and left to wander the highway for a bit before they brought him in. God Bless Texas.
No Love
So…how do I put this? I saw what I can only describe as a Werepimp on the Skytrain tonight. It was one of those asshats that normally dresses in a fashion that would embarrass Vanilla Ice ( Blinding white tracksuit with gold trim, 6 inches of underwear, bling ) but he was wearing a hideous latex monster mask and platinum blond wig + fedora. Hence…Werepimp. I can think of no other term to describe Werepimp.
Girl 1 to Girl 2: "Happy Halloween!"
Werepimp: "Thanks!"
Girl 1: "Not you"
Werepimp:
Werepimp don't get no love from the honeys.
You *jackass*
Me: "Ok, and you said you were being pulled over?"
SC: "Just tell him my number. That’s all you need to know."
You know, my motivation to assist you was a paltry, scrawny, feeble little thing to begin with that had just kind of half dragged half limped its way out, wheezing and gagging, into the sun just for this call. You, my friend, just backed it over with your jackass wagon. So you'll pardon me if I make only the bare minimum effort to assist you from this point forward. I'm also privately hoping you get arrested and at some point in your dark, hopeless future you inadvertently drop the soap.
Actually, give the phone to the cop. I can hear him in the background explaining that there's a court order banning you from operating a motor vehicle which you, in your brilliance, chose to ignore. I want to see if there's any information, light hearted encouragement or outright bribery I can provide him that could speed up your arrest and eventual shower love. Tell him there's a box of Timbits with his name on it if he can get you behind bars within the next 60 minutes.
In fact if there is anything I can do within my power to expedite having a large, burly bunkmate ride the bologna pony up your old dirt road let me know right now. Because I will do it.
Minions
Caller: "Thanks, boss!"
I don't recall holding any sort of superior position to you. However, far be it for me to disagree to your subservience. It's hard to find good minions these days so I need all the help I can get, really.
First things first, dealing with those pesky Joes.....first we need a plan. Preferably one that begins with kidnapping some completely random scientist and making him build like...a lava machine or a machine that will vaporize all the money in the world. Which we will then replace with Cobra bucks in return for people's valuables. Yeah, *thats* a damn fine plan.
Its All So Clear Now
Me: "and your postal code?"
SC: "P-O-T…..huh…huhuhuhuhuhhehehehe.uhh.....wait..."
Me: "Your postal code."
SC: "Right, ok, P-O-"
God, that explains so much...
867
Me: "and your first name?"
SC: "G-Unit. Er…uh…wait…..no…"
Ok, well, Caller Formerly Known as G-Unit, once you figure out who the hell you are and what you want, give me a call back.
867
Me: "Ok, and your phone number, please?"
SC: "…uh….uh….area code first?"
No, just throw that in somewhere at random. I like a challenge. Few things at work give me more joy then having to act like some sort of F*ckwit Enigma Machine and decode the fiery bits of wreckage that fly off your train of thought and land on the phone line.
Oh GOD
Sweet mother of Christ. Remind me to never, ever ask what a call is regarding until AFTER I check the file to see what kind of doctor's office it is. ( In this case, gynecologist…. )
I know you guys won't let my off the hook till I elaborate so I will just type it word for word what she said:
"She's just starting her period and at first she was just spotting. But now she's sitting on the toilet and something's hanging out."
I don't remember if she said anything else beyond that because my brain seized.
Halloween Round Up!
Oh wow, Vancouverites, or at least the ones downtown last night, really….REALLY *suck* at Halloween this year. Tragically suck. I don't recall ever having seen that much fail wandering the streets in any previous year. Since I have nothing better to do I shall provide blow by blow reviews of every costume sighting I had this evening:
Orange Guy:
I don't know what you were attempted to transform yourself into aside from a vibrant eyesore. As far as I can tell all you did was paint yourself orange. Aside from that you were wearing completely normal cloths and had no other props to speak of. You just painted any visible skin orange. Badly, I might add.
Angel
Psst. I can *see* the duct tape holding those on.
Geisha
You're doing it wrong. That's a bath robe. Geisha did not wear terrycloth despite your attempts to envision the idea with sash and ribbon. Also, Geisha painted their entire face and neck. Basically any area that was not concealed by kimono. You painted only your face…rather badly….as if you did it with a pocket mirror on the Skytrain trip in from Surrey. Japan weeps at the disgrace you bring.
Girl Who's Entire Costume Consisted Of Just Clutching an Inflatable Male Sex Doll
.....wait, what? The fark....
Pink Lady
If I recall correctly the Pink Ladies ( Whose logo you donned ) are a breast cancer awareness organization. I'm not sure what justice you're attempting to do them by wearing giant oversized sunglasses and stuffing all that toilet paper down the back of your pants to give you a comically fat ass.
Pillsbury Failboy
At least I think you were attempting the Pillsbury Doughboy…..I'm not sure. It looks more like you killed and pelted a tent at Canadian Tire. You didn't even have a mask or anything. Just the body….? I don't know. I give up.
Skiboots Asshat & Basketball Dumbass
Skiboots and a hat….that was your costume. Your entire costume. Still, it does top your friend who was wearing a basketball jersey + shorts as a costume. I'm not sure what the pair of you were suppose to be but you were *really* damn proud of it as you attempted to High Fivin' White Guys everyone coming from the opposing direction while they tried to avoid you in embarrassment.
Fireman
All you had was the hat….just the hat and all the hat itself said was "There's an empty shelf at a Dollar Store somewhere."
Cheap Blond Whore
You were with Fireman and I'm still trying to pinpoint exactly what year Cheap Whore became an acceptable costume. Maybe it was a Paris Hilton costume? I don't know. You and your date, Fireman, were walking ahead of me and I was trying to look anywhere but directly at you since even after a cursory glance at your back I now know you more intimately then even your date does. <shudder>
Hiker
….uh….you were with Fireman and Cheap Blond Slut. I thought you were a backpacker looking for a hostel at first. But it became rapidly apparent that was your actual costume. You fail more then Fireman. At least he went out and bought something ( For 99 cents ). You just threw on a backpack from your closet.
Hobo
There's an inherent cruel irony in dressing up like a hobo and then walking down Granville past the hobos. I've not yet decided if I applaud or disapprove of this masquerade.
Pirates
Pirates are always awesome and you guys were in full character. I approve of your shenanigans. You appeared to be threatening the life of Hobo for not dressing like a pirate. Which I do fully approve of. Wanton violence by packs of pirates is always entertaining and always negates assault charges by default.
Guy In Full Body Ultimate Warrior Muscle Suit, Face Paint and Wig
Shine on, you crazy diamond. Shine on.
The Village People
I give you 5 out of 6. 6 being the Biker on the end. Whom I shall call Moobs after his massive, hairy man boobs that were ill concealed by the skimpy black leather vest. Which was the sole article of clothing he was wearing above the waist. <shudder>
Bloody hell its good to be on my days off. ><
). Now we have a lot more kids around. Last year my mom got 2 boxes of M&M cookies at Sam's. This year we're giving out single-serve bags of microwave popcorn (also from Sam's). I don't know if I'm disappointed she didn't get anything I can pilfer or glad I won't be tempted to steal junk (though I'm still hoping we'll have leftovers 
).
All of your posts crack me up. I get very peculiar looks from my boyfriend as I sit here cackling at my laptop...
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