Was it Toxic or Do I Suck?

[Cooper]

I've been pretty forthright about this before, but I have panic disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, and clinical depression. I'm on medication for it, and the nature of these for me is usually eposodic. While I sometimes have the 'can't get out of bed' type of depression, usually I'm perfectly fine, until something tiny sets me off, and then I have a meltdown.

I've been fine for six months. I've had trouble getting out of bed some days, I had two mild panic attacks two months ago, but it's been going good. It took about a week for my new job to break the streak.

Let's see if I can figure out how. The job, for your information, was a Way of the Sub.

The Coworkers

Some of you remember the potentially anorexic coworker? Well, she became pretty off-putting pretty quickly. While I'm forthright about my issues, she practically shoved them down your throat. In the first two days with her, I learned she'd been in the army, discharged when she had an anxiety attack, got pregnant at 16, had a miscarriage, and was on a four day eating cycle, where she only ate every four days.

Well, as the stress started to get to me, she decided to add to it. (Don't go into fratching on this please, it's an easy topic to do so, but let's not). She worked out that I was on antidepressants--I just mentioned I thought I could wait until my dinner break to take my meds but the stress was getting to me--and asked me how I dealt with my illnesses and romantic relationships. My response?

Me: Well, my first boyfriend was abusive, and my second boyfriend cheated on me. With a guy. So... (not good ).

She then went to say that he was probably gay if he chose a guy over a girl, and that her ex-boyfriend had been bi, and she dumped him for it because gay people were gross. She knew they were 'born that way' but they were still gross and the bible only talked about heterosexual relationships, so it was forboden.

I had to wrap up the convo as I was almost done mopping by her, so I just went into a soft theological debate with her. She was called to go on break just then, and asked if I was willing to make her a sandwich.

I let my snark get the better of me, and asked if she would mind that it was made by a lesbian. She didn't talk to me for the rest of the night, and didn't respond when I apologized for snapping at her.

We were often paired for shifts, until she unexpectedly disappeared. It turns out, her diet got to her, and she wasn't able to stand during the entire shift, and was fired for it.

The Boss

I think this was the big one. There is one kind of person in the world that is a master of setting off my anxiety. I can handle always angry, always happy, weird, quirky, hard to get... but the unpredictable get me. Not like my High School psychology teacher, where he would, once in a blue moon, do things like yell out buzzer noises when we did wrong answers, but would otherwise be completely collected.

I mean like, 50% of the time, the person is your best friend. A joker. You could get away with saying just about anything to them, and they'd just laugh along. But the other 50% of the time, you even start your question wrong, and your head is gone. This was my manager. It took me longer to realize it than I should have, but eventually, I did figure it out.

How one minute she'd go from: "I guess I can't yell at you for being slow on your second day" to screaming at me over getting the wrong amount of olives on the sandwich, when it's hard to give them exactly 6, and they rarely do want exactly 6 black olives.

The most notable was when she yelled at me for asking what to do with the bread machine, as it was beeping, but in my panic, I'd forgotten that the drive-through gal, who was currently taking an order, could hear me too. She lectured me for about ten minutes on that brain burp. And from then on, she never gave me a headset, even if there was one availible.

Another incident was when I was heading out to do tables. While squeezing out the rag, I asked a co-worker doing dishes how his day was doing. He said his uncle was in the hospital to get his galbladder removed.

Me: Well, don't worry about it. I mean, chances are he'll be fine. I don't know the specifics, but-
Manager: You aren't paid to talk to him!

I'm sorry I tried to comfort an upset coworker...

The Final Day

But, I went to work just feeling awful. I could barely drag myself in, and didn't get there the requisit five minutes early. I had trouble dragging myself about, and just felt exhausted. I started to wonder what it'd feel like to quit. I had a split-shift, which meant I had an hour for lunch. In prep for this, I had taken my laptop, and figured I'd spend the hour writing.

Instead, I decided I was going to discuss with my mother over IM about quitting.

As I was heading out to do so, I saw a co-worker sitting down. I sat across from her, and the convo basically went like this:

Me: What'cha up to? Waiting to start your shift?
Her: No, I came in and they said they wanted me to work tomorrow instead, so I'm waiting for a ride.
(I offer her a ride, she declines.)
Her: So what are you up to?
me: I've got an hour long lunch break today.
Her: Is (first shift manager) nice?
Me: Yeah, he doesn't seem all there, but he's pretty nice. Why?
Her: I'm getting my hours switched over to mornings. (our manager) worries me.
Me: What for?
Her: Well, don't tell her I said this, but I feel like she's trying to make excuses for firing people. And I really need this job.

That's when I realized it wasn't just me seeing this, and I wasn't the only one going into fear over-drive around her.

I had two customers nominate me for employee of the month (not a real thing at that store), and one wanted to talk to my manager to compliment me, which was awesome, even if it was my last day.

I worked out the rest of the time, deciding not to talk to the manager about quitting while on the clock. I took my hat off after I clocked out, and headed for the back door.

Manager: Can we talk?
Me: Yeah, sure.
Manager: (other manager) said you were late today.
Me: Yeah, I was.
Manager:T his isn't working out.
Me: I agree. I was going to talk to you about that actually.
Manager: I'm glad we agree. So you won't work the rest of the week, and you can get your paycheck in two weeks, if you bring in your uniform.

And it's over.

Aftermath

My father was pretty sure I wasn't motivated enough to keep the job. It's kinda the down-side of genuinely believing anything can be achieved if you work hard enough. Those who don't achieve weren't working hard enough. He's been breathing down my neck to get another job, and now that I've had a bit of time to unwind from all that, I started putting out applications again.

I just hope I do better this time.

I know I gotta keep my foot out of my mouth. I tend to be a giant walking awkward turtle. And my mental illnesses are pretty mild, now that I'm on medication (even if my father is insistent I don't need it, and I somehow managed to talk doctors into diagnosing me with these for attention). I'm just pretty shaken to learn that I fell apart so quickly. I had two meltdowns a week when I worked there (two weeks) that were bad enough to rival the ones I had the day I got diagnosed in the first place.

So, do I suck? And any advice to help me suck less? My first job was pretty good in that all my coworkers (all seven of them, so on a much smaller scale than this) were all pretty good, non-biased people with even tempers (or at least a determination to not take it out on me.) My schedule was flexible, so if I couldn't pull myself out of bed until the afternoon (which was harder when my medication dosage was higher, one of them makes me sleepy) I was forgiven for it.

I'm keeping away from fast food, as I think the pace of it didn't do a lot of good for me, and I'm trying for sales associate and cashier jobs, which my mother says should be easier for me to find this season.

And most importantly, if I'm asked about what happened with my last job, what do I say?

[Der Cute]

Seshat and others have suggested CBT - cognitive behavior therapy (if I can type and shplel right tudray..)
I am in classes for DBT - a bit more intense and more "broken down". Fits me good. The reason I say this is because I've got anxiety like you do, I SUCK at social interaction, and I can't read people very well (it sounds like that's a bit of an issue for you too). We have some mental stuff in common here. Taking those DBT classes has helped me consciously relax myself in public, when getting wound up. I'm able to recognize what exactly is going through my head in different situations, which then helps me behave accordingly. I'm able to recognize that "oh shit this is a mood seizure fuck hold onnnnnnnnnnn aaaaaaa" and I can't do anything about it. Or when "Ok that thingy is out of my control there, breathe breathe, it's ok breathe". Here, read this stuff. DBT notes from my class. http://bit.ly/VdJ071

I want you to think this also: Sometimes the situation/life/place you're in doesn't fit YOU. If the people there started to set you off or trigger your mental stuff, and other variables in there just didn't jive, it's not ALL your fault. Do take responsibility (you are, asking for advice) but it's not all on you. Unless you went postal and killed everyone, that's all on you. Now it's part "I need to control/work my brain better" and "Find a place to fit me better too". And I can relate with the dad stuff. Mine always told me, "Say yes sir no sir and that works." Just last year I got him to understand that my bi-polar et al has been the core, and THAT is part why I can't keep a job.
You've got meds to work on your mental, to help stabilize it. Yay! Now can you attack it from the behavior end? Oh. Also, keep a good eye on your meds, see if you need to tweak them at all. And track your moods. Here: http://bit.ly/OwWhYs


But all that shit is hard. Especially when you're trying to survive and get through life in general. Keep applying for jobs. Yes, keep going. Have you filed unemployment? That's first.

Now.
My last job, "I'm looking for something that fits me better. The management and I didn't see eye to eye. They sucked donkey balls". Recently on the radio I heard something. "When you're in an interview and your'e asked all those questions, they've heard it all before. They KNOW wht you're going to answer/say. At that time it's more like 'can you play the game in here'. Not always a sincere 'what were your tasks and did you really like the job' but more of a 'you've passed our screening, do we like your personality' kind of stuff." That resonates with me. I can really see that.
"The last job and I didn't work out" why "The management wasn't a good fit for me"

You didn't suck. It didn't work, it didn't fit. Have you learned from this what kind of stuff (there) got you wound up? That's the silver lining in the cloud.

Hugs. The last job I had..my contract was terminated because I didn't learn the stuff fast enough. Not that I didn't get along, or that people complained about me. It was the first job in YEARS that I got fired from - for something different than my interactions/behavior. I know, huh..of all things to be proud of. The job /culture fit, my knowledge didn't. I learned that "I'm NOT all that screwed up!"

Hugs. Kitty bonks. Slap your dad from me.

[fireheart]

I think Der Cute summed it up fairly well. I'll add my own :twocents: (I think it's 10c down here since Aussies don't have 1c and 2c coins anymore )

I also have episodic mental illnesses, except that mine tend to fall under the umbrella of borderline personality disorder. Generally if the subject comes up (or I DO have an episode), I tend to state that I have dysthymia and anxiety, which usually people can understand (also because BPD isn't as familiar to some and I don't want people thinking I'm schizo -.-). I wound up leaving my last job because I couldn't handle it. Which wasn't even fast food!

The jobs I'm looking for now have the main goal of minimising the amount of time I spend face-to-face with the general public. So in short, while I may still be doing register work, it won't be me on the registers CONSTANTLY. Alternately, since I'm studying teaching, I'm trying to find jobs that give me experience in that field. (it's kind of awesome actually-one of the other staff members at the pool is also doing my degree ) Any retail jobs, I plan on one of two avenues:

-Small store such as a $2 shop or even a candle shop (like I applied for last time). Something where I'm not stuck behind the registers all the time. If it's a store with say 2-3 staff on per shift, if I have an episode, I can spend some time doing stock duty to clear my head.

-Something like my previous company, except nightfill/stock duty. I'd still need to help customers, but it's not so in-your-face.

The reason why I'm chronicling all of this is that if you know what triggers an episode, try to find jobs that work around your disability with minimal accommodations.

And I agree, that workplace sounded like a nightmare.

[Gurndigarn]

I think that the most important thing for you is watching your work environment. Ideally, before you start it. What you have is something you'll need to deal with your entire life, so learning how to deal with it will be critical-- and one of the best ways, basic as it seems, is to avoid situations where it'll be badly aggravated.

To that end, I would probably try to avoid fast food as much as possible. Retail would be better, especially if you can find a job in a smaller establishment, moreso if you can get away from the registers and customer service desk. And best of all would be a job outside of the service sector entirely-- factory, maintenance, or the like.

Now, I said "avoid as much as possible" because there are going to be times in your life when you're going to have to face things-- especially early on. And because no matter what job you get, there's the risk near certainty of idiot bosses, stupid co-workers, and so forth. The environment of the business is probably going to be more important than the actual business (except when the business naturally has stress built into it, like fast food), so pay close attention during the interview to what the guy on the other side is saying about his business-- and yes, walk away from jobs that are obviously going to end badly.

[Draper Mel]

Der Cute, your class notes are interesting. I haven't heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy before, I've only done Cognitive, as I'm not borderline.

It's nice to see that I've apparently absorbed it better than I realized. I'm using a lot of those techniques right now during all the issues we're having with my parents.

[morgana]

Slap your dad from me.

And from me.

[fireheart]

Der Cute, your class notes are interesting. I haven't heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy before, I've only done Cognitive, as I'm not borderline.

It's nice to see that I've apparently absorbed it better than I realized. I'm using a lot of those techniques right now during all the issues we're having with my parents.

The recommendation was made for me to go on DBT after my diagnosis. Initially I refused because I didn't want work to use it as an excuse to cut my hours. Then when I was hospitalised, I met the lady who runs the DBT program and she was an outright bitch. Funnily enough, I haven't needed to go through the program, instead the recommendations have been made that I do things like yoga.

[TheTigress]

In a way it was probably for the best that you were only there for two weeks. "Way of Sub" is a horrible place to work at, even rivaling "Mart of Wal" in terms of being utterly evil. Your story fits with how management is there. They scheme and look for passive aggressive ways to either make you quit or set you up to get fired. I was a sandwich slave for nearly 6 years and I still have my thousand yard stare from it.

From what you have posted you seem to have had an overall better than average experience with the customers, unless there are stories which you have yet to tell about them. Your location might have something to do with it. My store was located in a bad area of town and that attracted a lot of lowlife customers.

I also know what it's like to suffer from mental conditions. I have Aspergers and my former job caused several meltdowns while at work. My social skills are very poor and that's another thing they used against me there. They didn't understand how much I tried to explain it to them. They simply accused me of having an attitude problem. If they would have kept me in the back room for the entire duration of my shifts at "Way of Sub" I'd still have a job. The back room cleaning/other tasks were the things I was excellent at, it was the sandwich making/customer interaction that got me constant complaints and write-ups.

Hopefully you will be able to find something much better soon.

[Der Cute]

Der Cute, your class notes are interesting. I haven't heard of Dialectical Behavior Therapy before, I've only done Cognitive, as I'm not borderline.

It's nice to see that I've apparently absorbed it better than I realized. I'm using a lot of those techniques right now during all the issues we're having with my parents.

Thanks. Just don't follow the "LSD only" note lol
Keep in mind that's just A TINY bit of notes from the class. DBT was created by Marsha Linehan for BPD, but honestly, ANYONE can use it. Shit, sometimes I think everyone should take a class.
The distress tolerance comes in handy for me a lot, the Anxiety Gremlin likes to poke me often.
Hugs. I can relate to job not fitting, me unable to handle people, unable to handle job-people..but you need a high five for asking. Because you're self aware.

Slap your dad again.

[Kristev]

No, stop the slapping. Let me pass you all a clue stick to use on him.

That job sounded more toxic than mercury.

[evilfarmer]

I was recently diagnosed with Bipolar II with general and Social anxiety. A book my therapist suggested was The bipolar workbook: Tools for controlling your mood swings. It has some really good steps for recognizing when a shift in your mood or in your panic is starting and how to try and break the cycle. I have found it helpful with my panic as well so that I can actually try and network in the business world.

[Seshat]

Your father sounds like mine. There's a very good reason I don't talk to my gene donors or my brother much. That is a major part of it.


Listen to me, and please believe me:

You have limitations. You need to work within those limitations. Sure, you can stretch them, reshape them - with time, with effort, with training, and within the range of what is possible. But the limitations will always be there.

It is NOT YOUR FAULT that your employer expected you to work outside your limitations, and you couldn't do it. Because that's like expecting a one-armed man to hang wallpaper. Not possible.

That situation, I suspect, would have been toxic to someone with full mental health. For you? Not a chance.



There will be a suitable job for you - possibly multiple suitable jobs.

My mental health nurse says that my art is gorgeous, and that if I chose, I could make some money selling prints or originals as I get things completed: not with any pressure to complete things, just doing it at whatever rate works for me, and selling whatever I get done. You may well have a similar undiscovered talent.

Or there might be a workplace willing to hire you under some sort of disabled-to-employment scheme (we have some here in Australia), under which it's expected that there will be times when you're reacting more poorly to stress than others.

Or maybe there's a job or an industry out there that simply suits you. Remember that not all jobs - heck, not all industries - are customer-facing.

[Der Cute]

what about warehouse work? Labor jobs make you move (exercise and endorphins), and you'd not be so public.

[fireheart]

Or there might be a workplace willing to hire you under some sort of disabled-to-employment scheme (we have some here in Australia), under which it's expected that there will be times when you're reacting more poorly to stress than others.

I'm actually about to start on one of those. And strangely enough, it comes at the right time when I happen to be in the middle of an episode! joy! (not bipolar, just depressive/anxiety episode) I am not ashamed of being on it, although I am ashamed of being on benefits (I definitely do not qualify for the disability support pension).

And although I didn't quote it Seshat, my uni supervisor noted that I could actually be a craft teacher given I seemed to love doing the Arts and Crafts topic at my school.

[Seshat]

Wonderful, Fireheart!

And never be ashamed of being on benefits. Economists consider a 'healthy' economy one which has a small percentage of unemployed people - a pool of potential workers.
Which sounds fine in the abstract, but not if you're one of the unemployed.

Anyway, politicians trying to balance an economy aim for that 'small percentage of unemployed people'; so since the folks in control are actually aiming for a chunk of the population being on benefits - don't be ashamed to be one of them!

And when (not if, statistically it's a when) you're on sickness benefit, or (god forbid) disability, please, PLEASE do not be ashamed to ask for the benefit, or to take it. Our society has decided - and imo, rightly - that providing the basics for the sick and disabled is better than leaving us on the street, or taking us out the back and shooting us. :P


As for the arts and crafts teaching? GO FOR IT! Try looking for a specialist shop for the type of arts/crafts you enjoy, and asking if they hold classes and need teachers. Or go to a community house or a TAFE and talk to them.
I know that TAFE runs courses on how to teach; and that Centrelink will fund you to take those courses - perhaps you could do one of those courses, and the TAFE will then have you on their list of people who are qualified to teach short courses on your craft-skill topics.