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Still all alone on shift.... -.-
Descent
Hmm, I haven't seen The Beast™ this shift....There's no crime scene tape around the bathroom and no one was mysteriously crossed off the schedule. So I assume either one of you miraculously defeated it ( Vanish + X-Zone? ) or its descended to one of the lower floors. In which case at least it will stop the employees from ( c ompany below us ) mistakenly buzzing our floor in the morning.
Envy
( One of my coworkers just had eye surgery so she really does have a black pirate eye patch on. )
<co-worker> tells me she's a pirate. I can only look on in envy and awe.
Savings
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "No, I have a Visa."
Really? Hmmm. I wonder what kind of APR Customer Id Number offers. I should look into it, it might be better then my Mastercard!
Anarchy
Me: "Ok, and the card number?"
SC: "Its xxxx…uh….xx…..I CAN'T READ THIS THING!@!$!@$"
Me: "!?!" ( Why are you yelling at me like thats MY fault? )
SC: "….xx…..um…..xxxx…..I CAN'T READ IT!"
Me: "……"
SC: "….xx…..xx……"
Me: "Hmmm, ok, that’s not going through for me. Can I double check the number with you?"
( I go over it again with him, no go. Against my better judgment I ask him to read it back to me again. )
SC: "xxxx…….xx…….I CAN'T READ ANY OF THIS!!! Xx….."
( Repeat this entire conversation practically word for word 3 more times )
SC: "I'LL JUST CALL BACK LATER THEN! <click>"
Sweet ( Succulent, 75 cent, convenience store ) cherry licorice Jeebus! Put your glasses on or turn on the light or something, sheesh. How did you even read the keypad on the phone? If you know you can't read it and you know you need it to order, why did you call? Isn't there an insurmountable obstacle towering in front of your life there that you should be addressing first? Best part is you're yelling at me like its MY fault you can't read it. Like you expect me to just skip that part because you can't read it and I'm being rude for insisting. Sorry, it doesn't quite work that way.
See, the purchase of goods and services requires currency ( Or in the case of a credit card, imaginary currency ). I can't give you the product unless you give me shiny coins, chickens, goats, ingots or a first born child equal to the value of the product. This is called "commerce" and it is a core function of the world as a whole. Without commerce the world economy would collapse and the very foundation of society would fail. If I let you skip by it'll create a chain reaction that will eventually lead to the end of modern society as we know it.
Do you want to be responsible for the entire world falling into poverty stricken anarchy? No? Then go put on your damn glasses.
Priorities
SC: "Yeah, my ring tones aren't working-"
Oh wow. Just….wow. I'm not sure I can accurately impart to you just how fantastically unimportant the fact that your phone cannot play "Baby Got Back" is to me ( or indeed any living creature aside from yourself ) at 3am. How can I frame this in a way that you can understand? Hmmmm….oh, wait, I know. Ok, you know how important everyone within earshot is to you on the bus while you're yakking like a farkwit on your cellphone? Yeah, that’s how important your ringtones are. Understand? Yes? Good. Now go "back that ass up" or whatever it is you do normally.
Law Enforcement
Its never a promising sign when the arresting officer is physically trying to stop himself from laughing at you while he's calling for your lawyer. Its an even worse sign when he fails moments later.
( From what I gathered, she was picked up on a DUI on like a moped.... )
Start From The Beginning
SC: "Ok, its saying I need to be connected to the internet to finish the installation. How do I do that?!"
Oh wow. You, just....but.....wow. You bought online software without having an internet connection? Or do you have the internet but seriously just don't know where to find it? Did you lose the Internet? Because its actually rather big and its kind of hard to miss. There seems to be a much deeper more fundamental problem here then just the software installation.
Ok, well, I'm going to have to ask you to pack up the laptop, take it back to the store and get your money back. Unfortunately you're not yet qualified to own a computer and if I let you on the Internet I'll be breaking section 3 of the Virtual Halfwit Act. I'm afraid if I let you online with your current qualifications you would only bring despair, annoyance, bad cat macros and retarded Fark.com posts to the rest of us.
You're not on AOL are you? Because to be honest the entire ISP has been outlawed and SWAT teams are, as we speak, moving to strike it and all of its customers from the face of the virtual world. Surrender now. I'd hate to see your face plastered across the newspaper tomorrow being pulled out of the closet by a swat officer clutching your iMac.
Oi...2 more days, but at least I get a coworker again.
Descent
Hmm, I haven't seen The Beast™ this shift....There's no crime scene tape around the bathroom and no one was mysteriously crossed off the schedule. So I assume either one of you miraculously defeated it ( Vanish + X-Zone? ) or its descended to one of the lower floors. In which case at least it will stop the employees from ( c ompany below us ) mistakenly buzzing our floor in the morning.
Envy
( One of my coworkers just had eye surgery so she really does have a black pirate eye patch on. )
<co-worker> tells me she's a pirate. I can only look on in envy and awe.
Savings
Me: "Ok, do you have a customer ID number?"
SC: "No, I have a Visa."
Really? Hmmm. I wonder what kind of APR Customer Id Number offers. I should look into it, it might be better then my Mastercard!
Anarchy
Me: "Ok, and the card number?"
SC: "Its xxxx…uh….xx…..I CAN'T READ THIS THING!@!$!@$"
Me: "!?!" ( Why are you yelling at me like thats MY fault? )
SC: "….xx…..um…..xxxx…..I CAN'T READ IT!"
Me: "……"
SC: "….xx…..xx……"
Me: "Hmmm, ok, that’s not going through for me. Can I double check the number with you?"
( I go over it again with him, no go. Against my better judgment I ask him to read it back to me again. )
SC: "xxxx…….xx…….I CAN'T READ ANY OF THIS!!! Xx….."
( Repeat this entire conversation practically word for word 3 more times )
SC: "I'LL JUST CALL BACK LATER THEN! <click>"
Sweet ( Succulent, 75 cent, convenience store ) cherry licorice Jeebus! Put your glasses on or turn on the light or something, sheesh. How did you even read the keypad on the phone? If you know you can't read it and you know you need it to order, why did you call? Isn't there an insurmountable obstacle towering in front of your life there that you should be addressing first? Best part is you're yelling at me like its MY fault you can't read it. Like you expect me to just skip that part because you can't read it and I'm being rude for insisting. Sorry, it doesn't quite work that way.
See, the purchase of goods and services requires currency ( Or in the case of a credit card, imaginary currency ). I can't give you the product unless you give me shiny coins, chickens, goats, ingots or a first born child equal to the value of the product. This is called "commerce" and it is a core function of the world as a whole. Without commerce the world economy would collapse and the very foundation of society would fail. If I let you skip by it'll create a chain reaction that will eventually lead to the end of modern society as we know it.
Do you want to be responsible for the entire world falling into poverty stricken anarchy? No? Then go put on your damn glasses.
Priorities
SC: "Yeah, my ring tones aren't working-"
Oh wow. Just….wow. I'm not sure I can accurately impart to you just how fantastically unimportant the fact that your phone cannot play "Baby Got Back" is to me ( or indeed any living creature aside from yourself ) at 3am. How can I frame this in a way that you can understand? Hmmmm….oh, wait, I know. Ok, you know how important everyone within earshot is to you on the bus while you're yakking like a farkwit on your cellphone? Yeah, that’s how important your ringtones are. Understand? Yes? Good. Now go "back that ass up" or whatever it is you do normally.
Law Enforcement
Its never a promising sign when the arresting officer is physically trying to stop himself from laughing at you while he's calling for your lawyer. Its an even worse sign when he fails moments later.
( From what I gathered, she was picked up on a DUI on like a moped.... )
Start From The Beginning
SC: "Ok, its saying I need to be connected to the internet to finish the installation. How do I do that?!"
Oh wow. You, just....but.....wow. You bought online software without having an internet connection? Or do you have the internet but seriously just don't know where to find it? Did you lose the Internet? Because its actually rather big and its kind of hard to miss. There seems to be a much deeper more fundamental problem here then just the software installation.
Ok, well, I'm going to have to ask you to pack up the laptop, take it back to the store and get your money back. Unfortunately you're not yet qualified to own a computer and if I let you on the Internet I'll be breaking section 3 of the Virtual Halfwit Act. I'm afraid if I let you online with your current qualifications you would only bring despair, annoyance, bad cat macros and retarded Fark.com posts to the rest of us.
You're not on AOL are you? Because to be honest the entire ISP has been outlawed and SWAT teams are, as we speak, moving to strike it and all of its customers from the face of the virtual world. Surrender now. I'd hate to see your face plastered across the newspaper tomorrow being pulled out of the closet by a swat officer clutching your iMac.
Oi...2 more days, but at least I get a coworker again.
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