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Just noticed this part of the site today, and I couldn't pass it up without sharing some delightful driving advice. I do not have a license - was not allowed to even get a permit in high school because that would put me that much closer to independence my mother did not want me to have. So now I've got one road test failure under my belt. My mother has been teaching me to drive because no one else I know has a car, has their own car, or has an automatic-shifting car.
How my mother ever got her license is way beyond me. Here are some of the things she has taught me (which I know are wrong and did not do during my road test) because this is how she drives:
1. Do not under any circumstances drive the speed limit ever. Her theory is that one can only get in trouble with either other drivers or the law for going too fast, but driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit is just fine and whoever doesn't like it can go suck on a shotgun barrel.
2. Slow down for people who do not have the right of way. For example, someone approaching from my right has a stop sign and I do not. I am to slow down for anyone approaching from my right because they just might run the stop sign and their very presence should make me nervous.
3a. When approaching a stop sign, begin using the brakes a few hundred feet before reaching the spot designated for stopped vehicles. Move at a 2-mph crawl up to the stop sign. Remain at stop sign longer than necessary because Mother cannot see oncoming traffic and by the time she feels she has satisfactorily checked for me, there is more traffic to wait for.
3b. Drive up over the crosswalk and slightly into traffic so she can see around shrubs, other cars, etc. It is irrelevant if I can see just fine.
4. Slam on the brakes at random.
5. Roadside gravel will destroy the tires. Scream a lot when tires come into contact with gravel.
6. Use hazard lights when parallel parking.
6a. Practice parallel parking around other people's cars. When owner of said car comes out of wherever they were to get in their car and asks what's going on, yell at them that I'm practicing (Mom yelled, not me).
7. Use turn signals a half-second before making the turn - can't have people thinking I might turn onto that dirt road prior to my turn.
8. Drive either in the middle of the road or on the center line because the closer you are to that center line, the better your driving will be. This is to ensure about five feet is between the car and any parked vehicles.
9. Left-turn lanes are optional (I use them; she does not).
10. When able to turn right on red, don't because it's too scary. Those people behind you beeping can go get bent.
11. Driving laws don't mean shit - all that matters is the car. Do everything illegal because there is apparently no collision insurance on this car (uhh, isn't collision protection something all forms of car insurance include?)
Would you believe she has not been in an accident yet? I hate driving like that, but I'm made to while in her car (if I don't listen, I get screamed at a lot, and this makes me super nervous). So for anyone who has had to deal with a super-slow driver of a black Subaru with PA plates, I apologize. I'm a better driver than that, I promise.
How my mother ever got her license is way beyond me. Here are some of the things she has taught me (which I know are wrong and did not do during my road test) because this is how she drives:
1. Do not under any circumstances drive the speed limit ever. Her theory is that one can only get in trouble with either other drivers or the law for going too fast, but driving 10-15 miles under the speed limit is just fine and whoever doesn't like it can go suck on a shotgun barrel.
2. Slow down for people who do not have the right of way. For example, someone approaching from my right has a stop sign and I do not. I am to slow down for anyone approaching from my right because they just might run the stop sign and their very presence should make me nervous.
3a. When approaching a stop sign, begin using the brakes a few hundred feet before reaching the spot designated for stopped vehicles. Move at a 2-mph crawl up to the stop sign. Remain at stop sign longer than necessary because Mother cannot see oncoming traffic and by the time she feels she has satisfactorily checked for me, there is more traffic to wait for.
3b. Drive up over the crosswalk and slightly into traffic so she can see around shrubs, other cars, etc. It is irrelevant if I can see just fine.
4. Slam on the brakes at random.
5. Roadside gravel will destroy the tires. Scream a lot when tires come into contact with gravel.
6. Use hazard lights when parallel parking.
6a. Practice parallel parking around other people's cars. When owner of said car comes out of wherever they were to get in their car and asks what's going on, yell at them that I'm practicing (Mom yelled, not me).
7. Use turn signals a half-second before making the turn - can't have people thinking I might turn onto that dirt road prior to my turn.
8. Drive either in the middle of the road or on the center line because the closer you are to that center line, the better your driving will be. This is to ensure about five feet is between the car and any parked vehicles.
9. Left-turn lanes are optional (I use them; she does not).
10. When able to turn right on red, don't because it's too scary. Those people behind you beeping can go get bent.
11. Driving laws don't mean shit - all that matters is the car. Do everything illegal because there is apparently no collision insurance on this car (uhh, isn't collision protection something all forms of car insurance include?)
Would you believe she has not been in an accident yet? I hate driving like that, but I'm made to while in her car (if I don't listen, I get screamed at a lot, and this makes me super nervous). So for anyone who has had to deal with a super-slow driver of a black Subaru with PA plates, I apologize. I'm a better driver than that, I promise.
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