I don't know what to title this...

[kansasgal]

On December 14th I got a call from my best friends husband in Oregon. She was in ICU. I immediately flew out there to be with them. She had bled out from some varices that no one knew she had, and had crashed and had to be resuscitated. When I got to ICU that night and walked in her room, I knew she was gone. She was on life support and the only thing keeping her alive was her meds. Her husband didn't understand Doc speak, so I got to be the one to tell him that she was not coming back. We slept at the ICU for three days while people came in and out to say goodbye, and then he took her off of life support on Tuesday.

I have known this woman for over 30 years, we have been best friends forever, and I just spoke to her the Wednesday before this happened. I don't know what I will do without her there....

[dalesys]

Push yourself to keep in contact with your friends and family. My 2nd son went through this with one of his best friends this summer. Fly from his home in Israel to Utah to say goodbye.

[Kara]

I just went through something similar to this with one of my best friends when I went to meet him at the hospital where we found out his wife of 25 years had crashed in the ambulance and couldn't be brought back.

What I learned from this is that you can be there for her family and friends like no one else can. Because you were there. You were in the room with her husband when he got the news, just like I had been with my friend. Just talking to him, just texting him a hug, whatever you can do to let him know he's in your thoughts will be appreciated more than you'll probably ever know. And it's not selfish to talk about how hard this was on you, either. If you don't want to talk to him about it, talk to your friends. I'm here if you want to talk to me, as I went through this just over a month ago.

Never underestimate the power of just being there for others.

[MoonCat]

Never underestimate the power of just being there for others.

This is Truth.

It will help you and it will help your friend's husband. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[Pixilated]

I'm so sorry for the loss of your friend.

[Akasa]

I'm so sorry for your loss. /hugs

[Sunshine]

Oh im so sorry for your loss.

[Seshat]

I have no idea how deep your own, personal grief is. If your grief is too great to do what I'm about to suggest, then don't do it - ask someone else in your friendship circle if they can.

Her husband will be in deep grief, and in no state to properly look after himself, his pets, any children, his house...

Either you or someone else (depending on your own condition), encourage quiet, peaceful visits from assorted friends and family, with those people bringing freezeable, microwaveable meals in disposable containers. The less effort required on her husband's part, the better.

If there are children, have someone wise and gracious in the friendship group make a point of being there for the kids. A grandparent-figure, an aunt/uncle figure: anyone the kids trust and will bring their pain to.

Housekeeping can be a touchy one; some people are very protective of it. But someone might want to make sure that it stays on the 'too grief-stricken to maintain perfectly' side, rather than the 'health-risk squalor' side.

And, of course, there's a thousand arrangements to be made. Again, you might be too grief-struck yourself to handle it; if you aren't, you can make phone calls and help with paperwork.

If you can't take care of these, please feel free to copy my post and forward to a caring, competent member of your friends/family network.

If her family is religious, the chances are good that her family's minister is already aware of the situation, and watching to ensure that the grief processes normally and doesn't become a depression. (the unhealthy version of sadness.) If not, that's another issue to have someone watch for.
For the majority of the population, grief does progress normally, and while they're never the same afterwards, they're still fully themselves. But this is one of the few times in a person's life when there's a predictable risk of it becoming serious.


And also, since she was your best friend, ask someone to do the same for you: for all of these except the paperwork part.

[csquared]

Never underestimate the power of just being there for others.

This is Truth.

Because this needs repeating.

You have my deepest sympathies. I'll keep you and your friend's family in my prayers.

[Mytical]

I am sorry for your loss. Unfortunately usually the first clue anybody has that they have these varices (spelling) is when you start throwing up blood. It is not a good experience. I was lucky, I had a lot of luck and some of the best doctors to pull me back. I am so sorry for your loss. *hugs*

[kansasgal]

I have no idea how deep your own, personal grief is. If your grief is too great to do what I'm about to suggest, then don't do it - ask someone else in your friendship circle if they can.

I am still in shock..but the grief is deep.

Her husband will be in deep grief, and in no state to properly look after himself, his pets, any children, his house...

All of us are aware of his grief, and those still in Oregon and Washington are helping him as much as possible. We had a quiet dinner out with all of us on the Thursday after she died just to have some time together without the ICU, as we had all been there together for days and had talked of nothing else then her health. It was great to have just a dinner. He went to his son's for Christmas so he wouldn't be in the house alone, and there have been dinners delivered, etc.

Either you or someone else (depending on your own condition), encourage quiet, peaceful visits from assorted friends and family, with those people bringing freezeable, microwaveable meals in disposable containers. The less effort required on her husband's part, the better.

Done

If there are children, have someone wise and gracious in the friendship group make a point of being there for the kids. A grandparent-figure, an aunt/uncle figure: anyone the kids trust and will bring their pain to.

The children are all adults now, but the three of us women who were her closest friends have each reached out to them and told them they now have three mom's instead of three "aunt's" and that we are there for them. They have all texted us/called us and we respond without thought, because we helped raise them.

Housekeeping can be a touchy one; some people are very protective of it. But someone might want to make sure that it stays on the 'too grief-stricken to maintain perfectly' side, rather than the 'health-risk squalor' side.

Done

And, of course, there's a thousand arrangements to be made. Again, you might be too grief-struck yourself to handle it; if you aren't, you can make phone calls and help with paperwork.

Already started. I talked to the funeral home to make some arrangements, another friend knows the funeral home owner and the church pastor and is helping as well (it's a very small town that they are from). We are all helping him put together the memorial and he has a plan for spreading her ashes.

If you can't take care of these, please feel free to copy my post and forward to a caring, competent member of your friends/family network.

If her family is religious, the chances are good that her family's minister is already aware of the situation, and watching to ensure that the grief processes normally and doesn't become a depression. (the unhealthy version of sadness.) If not, that's another issue to have someone watch for.
For the majority of the population, grief does progress normally, and while they're never the same afterwards, they're still fully themselves. But this is one of the few times in a person's life when there's a predictable risk of it becoming serious.

We are watching him, the kids, everyone has become involved (at least those closest to him and the kids) and we are aware of the processing of grief. It makes it hard being this far away, but he and the kids know that I will always be there for them.

And also, since she was your best friend, ask someone to do the same for you: for all of these except the paperwork part.

I don't have anyone to do these things for me, as she was my best friend in the world, and my family cannot do it for various reasons. I will be watching myself, etc.

[Mytical]

*hugs* And *hugs again*