Wedding Drama Rawr (Too Long)

[BookstoreEscapee]

One of my friends went with separates for her bridesmaids, so they all had the same skirt and each was able to choose a top in a style that worked for their body (all the same color, though). I like that idea. Another friend had a family friend or someone make skirts for the bridesmaids from periwinkle satin fabric, and she bought them matching cashmere sweaters (just simple long-sleeve v-necks) which were also part of their bridesmaid gift. They were beautiful, perfect for a September wedding outdoors right near the water in New England, and definitely something they could wear again. The skirts probably aren't something you'd wear again but they were very inexpensive. (She also had an old-fashioned New England clambake for dinner which was fun.)

[Mytical]

People forget what is most important about a wedding. That it is a profession (spelling?) of love for each other. While it is nice to have all the 'frills', and for it to be memorable..all that really matters is the two people involved (and of course somebody to perform the ceremony). It doesn't have to be 'better' then the person down the street's wedding. It doesn't have to be perfect.

I am one of those who, yes, would want my soon-to-be bride to have the wedding she wanted. To be as much help as she wanted me to be, and as involved as she wanted me to be. To be honest, its because the details do not matter to me personally. As long as she is there, and I am there, and at the end of it we are legally man and wife..its all good.

Do I have my dream wedding? Absolutely. I can be a very detail oriented person. Down to what the napkins look like. In the end, however, only one thing is required. That I love her, and she loves me.

[Eireann]

The Etiquette Hell site has a truly amazing story (okay, many of them). This story was written by a guest who bitched about anything and everything.

For example:

There were no printed invitations. The bride invited everyone by sending them handwritten letters. (I, for one, would be thrilled to have such a thoughtful invitation. It must have taken her forever!)

The bride's attendants and the groom's were an uneven number. I think the bride had three and the groom had two.

The attendants didn't wear matching outfits. Instead, they wore their best and most flattering clothing.

The bride had one male attendant, and the groom had one female attendant.

The bride wore her grandmother's veil ("cheap and tacky," sniffed the woman who wrote the story).

There was no alcohol.

There was no DJ.

She didn't like the tables and chairs.

There was no wedding cake, per se. They just got sheet cakes from the bakery.

All in all, it sounds like the kind of wedding I would love to attend. The bride and groom kept everything at a reasonable cost, they didn't ask their attendants to shell out any money, they showed respect for everyone. They just invited one person too many, in my opinion.

[Becks]

Oh and another "low-budget" bride here I've been picking stuff up on clearance as I find it so I'm down to his wedding band and outfit, reception stuff (food, plates, plasticware, serving stuff), honeymoon, dress alterations, and photographer. I've spent $750 so far.

Too bad you're not in WI. I know a photographer. (No, it's not me.)

[BookstoreEscapee]

The Etiquette Hell site has a truly amazing story (okay, many of them). This story was written by a guest who bitched about anything and everything.

For example:

The bride's attendants and the groom's were an uneven number. I think the bride had three and the groom had two.

My cousin had an uneven number; there was an extra guy.

Can't help but wonder if there was a post in the Guests from Hell section from the bride or groom of that wedding...

[Eireann]

If there is, I wouldn't blame them.

There is a very interesting story told from two sides. First, a guest weighed in on a wedding she attended with her then-boyfriend. It was a Goth wedding, which clearly was not the guest's thing. It sounded like the kind of thing I'd like to attend, but I have different tastes. It seems that a lot of makeup was used (on the attendants); the ceremony was held just outside a graveyard; the reception was held in an old, cobwebby house.

What got me was, the guest also complained that the bride was half a head taller than the groom. And she (the guest) wrote a note to the bride telling her off, then climbed out a window to leave the reception.

For her part, the bride wrote about her wonderful wedding and the nasty guest who complained about everything, wouldn't talk to any of the other guests, then tucked a note into the bride's bouquet telling her off. I'm on the bride's side.

Here are the two stories: http://www.etiquettehell.com/smf/index.php?topic=1352.0

[AccountingDrone]

The Etiquette Hell site has a truly amazing story (okay, many of them). This story was written by a guest who bitched about anything and everything.

For example:

There were no printed invitations. The bride invited everyone by sending them handwritten letters. (I, for one, would be thrilled to have such a thoughtful invitation. It must have taken her forever!)

The bride's attendants and the groom's were an uneven number. I think the bride had three and the groom had two.

The attendants didn't wear matching outfits. Instead, they wore their best and most flattering clothing.

The bride had one male attendant, and the groom had one female attendant.

The bride wore her grandmother's veil ("cheap and tacky," sniffed the woman who wrote the story).

There was no alcohol.

There was no DJ.

She didn't like the tables and chairs.

There was no wedding cake, per se. They just got sheet cakes from the bakery.

All in all, it sounds like the kind of wedding I would love to attend. The bride and groom kept everything at a reasonable cost, they didn't ask their attendants to shell out any money, they showed respect for everyone. They just invited one person too many, in my opinion.

You would have liked my first one. Justice of the peace was a friend of both self and hubby, my attendant was a female friend, best man was a guy in my husbands division. Wedding was held in the middle of our housewarming party as it was all our friends anyway. Nobody other than the wedding party and my parents knew it was a wedding. Dress code was tahiti camo. We did not want anybody getting dressed up or bothering with presents. The whole party, food and booze and all was around $250. Yup, two hungred and fifty dollars. We had a BBQ =)

[Indigo]

There was no alcohol.

There was no DJ.

She didn't like the tables and chairs.

There was no wedding cake, per se. They just got sheet cakes from the bakery.

All in all, it sounds like the kind of wedding I would love to attend. The bride and groom kept everything at a reasonable cost, they didn't ask their attendants to shell out any money, they showed respect for everyone. They just invited one person too many, in my opinion.

Sounds like what I'm planning - the way I describe my wedding is that it'll be a family reunion with a ceremony in front of it. It's at a BSA campground with plenty of room for the kids to play and they'll probably be a couple shots of me playing Frisbee with them. Food will be a pulled pork BBQ picnic.

Too bad you're not in WI. I know a photographer. (No, it's not me.)

I've actually got someone in mind already, just haven't booked her yet. We went to HS together and she lives up the road from my parents. She's a budding photographer and has done some of our friends' weddings but I'll be the first to actually pay her for her services. (Everyone else has just assumed she would do it for free and she's been too nice to say otherwise)

[Evandril]

A friend of mine is planning on doing her legal wedding with just her, her groom, and the officials...No family or friends invited. Then, later, when they have the money to do a 'real' wedding, they are going to have the one for show...Makes far more sense to me to do it that way, personally

[BookstoreEscapee]

A goth wedding involving cemeteries and cobwebby houses wouldn't be my thing, either, but I wouldn't go around complaining about it being some kind of etiquette faux pas, either. I would suck it up and try to have some fun if it was someone I cared about seeing get married, and if not I would politely decline. It's not rude to have a quirky wedding theme even if some people aren't into whatever your thing is. (Though in the story you linked, it does sound like maybe the boyfriend might have given her a more detailed description of just what she might find "weird" about his friends...)

If I ever get married I would keep things simple, too. I don't like being the center of attention; frankly I'd rather just have a small ceremony, just us and maybe parents and a few friends, and then throw a big party. I'd totally elope if it wouldn't break my mother's heart (I'm the only daughter). A church wedding for me, however, is highly unlikely.

[taxguykarl]

The Etiquette Hell site has a truly amazing story (okay, many of them). This story was written by a guest who bitched about anything and everything.

Oh great[EXTREME SARCASM!]...now we have guestzillas to cope with

[Moirae]

Ok, this has me hot under the collar. And not for the reasons you might think.

Yes, I agree the bride is being unreasonable. And you should not hold the bachelorette or the bridal shower until she's actually getting married. I also don't think its right of her to ask you to spend all this money and then put it off after the money has been spent.

However... I am going to try very hard to be nice so if I say something that may come across as otherwise, I apologize.

You are also being unfair to her.

The first thing, you really shouldn't be judging her just because they are from different countries.

I'm going to tell you my husbands and my story. Its a very long one, and it reads like a romance novel but every bit of it is true.

I'm from western Canada. My husband is from Louisiana (well... Tennessee, but he's lived in Louisiana for a good 17 years, maybe longer). He and I met on the internet. Thats right, the internet. We weren't looking, and it was totally unexpected. I was even with someone else at the time (that relationship is a whole other discussion that involves my ex being abusive to me and me no longer willing to take it). I left the someone else before I met my current husband face to face, and no I didn't cheat on my ex with my current. The love of my life (my now husband) and I didn't develop feelings until after I had left the ex.

To put it politely, you do not have any right to judge that aspect of their relationship. You may not like it, but that is not your choice, its theirs. If they are willing to sacrifice, its their life.

My husband and I met online in February of 1999. We were just friends for years, chatting over a game we both played. It meant nothing at the time.

After I left my first husband in 2001, I came to the US to escape him for 6 months. I really was terrified he'd kill me if I didn't. While I was here, I met a bunch of internet friends, and eventually my husband face to face. And we fell instantly in love. I never believed in love at first sight, but this man, this truly wonderful man... I looked him in the eyes, leaped into his arms and kissed him the moment we met. And we have been together ever since.

The first year we nearly broke up. Long distance is incredibly hard and heartbreaking. Imagine, you love the other person sooooo much, but you only get to see each other maybe once a year. You spent thousands on these trips and on the phone and the internet. And you can only touch each other for maybe two weeks out of an entire year.

This is HARD. Its not simple, and its not easy. I cried every single time we had to say goodbye. But I loved him so much. Life was not life if I couldn't hear his voice every day. Life was not life is I couldn't see him even for only a couple weeks a year. It was not complete without him.

Is this selfish? Yes, a bit. But its not meant as a hatred against my family, my friends, or my country. I love all of them. I always have.

Through the years, we have been through so much apart. The death of his grandfather, the death of his mothers twin sister, hurricane katrina, the death of my mother, and a nasty car accident that I'm very lucky didn't kill her and still have left over problems from it.

In fact, my car accident erased any doubts I had of being with him. When my sister called him to tell him I had been hit by a car crossing the street, he dropped everything, borrowed money from everyone he knew, and came to Canada to be by my side in the hospital. And he held my hand until I woke up. He's the first person I remember seeing when I woke up. He tells me that was his moment too. The moment he realized without a doubt that we were meant to be together.

That was in 2004.

We tried three times to get married through all these years. The idea was to get the families together so they could meet. Originally we had tried to get married in New Orleans with my family attending. Then Katrina hit. And we tried to get married and honeymoon in Disney World. And then came my car accident.

They spent money on those dresses, roughly about $150 each. I bought them jewelry as presents, and I worked hard to plan a wonderful vacation even though I was asking them to spend money. And I gave them two years to plan that first time.

It was NEVER about just soaking them for money and presents. It was about being together for a happy time.

Finally... we had enough. We had tried so hard, and spent so much money by that time, that we just finally had enough. It wasn't worth it trying to plan a big wedding.

So we did something else instead. Instead of a church and a minister, I contacted a Marriage Commissioner (kind of like a JP but only does weddings in Canada). Instead of a wedding dress, I wore a lacy shirt, pants and high heals and put tiny porcelain roses in my hair. Instead of a tux, my husband wore a suit he already owned that had a mandarin collar. I carried a single large pink rose from my grandmothers garden. The only people in attendance were my family and friends because his couldn't afford to come. My sister was my maitron of honor. My stepdad was his best man. We got married in a park only a five minute drive from where I lived near the lake. After the ceremony, we told everyone that we were going to our favorite restaurant to eat and they were welcome to come if they wanted, but everyone was paying for their own food. And no one cared they had to pay for their own food, they all joined us anyway. We asked that they not give us gifts because of the cost to move them, but most of them gave us money instead without us asking (very helpful in the moving costs. I put it all in the bank, and it paid for the cost to move to the US). I did not have a bridal shower, or a bachelorette.

And it was incredibly beautiful, incredibly wonderful. Sometimes I wish my husband and his family could have had the big wedding. I did it once with my first husband. Most of the time, I just realize how lucky I am.

Afterward, we had to separate for a time again. You see, for me to move to the US, we had to live in our respective countries, and then wait for the paperwork to go through. It took more than a year. It was so hard being apart from him, and we didn't even get to have a honeymoon right after we got married. A year after our wedding, he came to Canada for our honeymoon (you can't leave the country while the visa is processing) and we went to the Rocky Mountains for four days.

I moved to the US in April of 2008 leaving everything I know and love most in the world behind because I love him most of all. I get very frustrated in the US sometimes because the mindset is so different. The countries are an awful lot alike, but Canada is much more liberal than anything you see in the US and it gets aggravating occasionally.

So here's my suggestion. Talk to her. Politely yes, but you need to make her understand that hers isn't the only cost involved in this. That its taking money and time out of your life too and that she's being inconsiderate of those around her.

I'm sorry but I'm on the brides side on this one. Why? Because I've been there. With the family and friends constantly whispering in my ear about how I'm just being selfish, and about how he's going to betray me or hurt me in some way. I was harped on for years about how "he's probably cheating because he's in a different country". Years. Constantly.

My mother was livid that was going to move away. LIVID. The first time she met him she said she didn't trust him. But you know what? Over the years, she got to know him. Its not like we did this overnight. She was sooooo angry about me being with him and leaving Canada but she got over it. A few days before my mom died, she gave us her blessing saying "If he makes you happy, thats all that matters". And I cried when she did because I wanted her blessing as much as I wanted to marry him. She died in 2003.

My husband is a good man. I knew it the moment I met him. He's thoughtful, kind, strong, intelligent, funny, my best friend, and my greatest love all rolled up into one. We have been together over 12 years now.

I think that you need to be reminded that its very doubtful the bride is just being selfish and horrible. Or being bridezilla. She's just in love, and not thinking clearly.

I think you really don't understand how hard this is on someone. Or even remotely what she's going through. I imagine that she's doing all this wedding stuff because she's scared and trying to take her mind off it all.

Leaving everything behind is a VERY frightening thing.

But DO NOT make her feel guilty for leaving her country to go to another so she can be with the man she loves. Its not because she hates you. She wants you there but she's caught up in it all. Talk to her. Let her know that the problem is the cost, NOT the bride and groom.

[CaroPhoenix]

At my wedding, the guys wore purple cummerbunds and ties. The females in my party wore green. One of my attendants was 8 or 9 months pregnant. For those playing along at home, my wedding colors were purple and green.

My two bridesmaids wore green dresses I got at JC Penney outlet at the local outlet mall. The were the exact same dress. The top of the dress was a dark green velvet. The bottom of the dress was a dark green satin. My sister, as the Matron of Honor (she was married), wore a dark green spaghetti strapped dress along with a matching green shawl. As the MOH, I let her wear something different than the other two. I bought the dresses for the 2 bridesmaids. They were $10 each. My pregnant friend's mom and her altered it themselves. My other bridesmaid was able to find a seamstress to alter it. My sister got her dress offline at Land's End. I wore my mother's wedding dress.

We got married out in the country and so everything was cheap. My wedding cake was made by my MIL's best friend. It was her wedding gift to me & Mr. Rum. So I got this really nice, ornate cake that would have been really expensive for free! I loved it.

But yeah ... Good luck with this wedding and your friend. Hopefully everything will be smooth sailing next year!

Forgot to add: Told all 3 attendants that they could do whatever they wanted to the dresses after the wedding. I didn't care. It's not like they were actually mine.

[fireheart]

There's a TV show that some of you might be interested in as far as weddings go. The show is called Four Weddings. Basic concept: four women are planning their weddings. They then attend each ceremony and rate it on a few concepts such as Dress, Ceremony, Reception etc. The winner gets a honeymoon. They judge each other, so there's no independent panel. Also, they don't meet until the big day IIRC.

Usually the ceremonies all have a theme or some unique aspect to them, for instance one episode had the themes/aspects as "560 guests, Racecourse wedding, Big Budget blowout and Lord Of The Rings".

[Beckpatton]

There's a TV show that some of you might be interested in as far as weddings go. The show is called Four Weddings. Basic concept: four women are planning their weddings. They then attend each ceremony and rate it on a few concepts such as Dress, Ceremony, Reception etc. The winner gets a honeymoon. They judge each other, so there's no independent panel. Also, they don't meet until the big day IIRC.

Usually the ceremonies all have a theme or some unique aspect to them, for instance one episode had the themes/aspects as "560 guests, Racecourse wedding, Big Budget blowout and Lord Of The Rings".

Love Love Love that show!! They are all so bitchy!! People told me to apply when I was planning my wedding, but I would never invite people to my wedding purely just to judge it.. that's what family is for!