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How does one become more self-confident?

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  • How does one become more self-confident?

    Weird-ass question, I know. But let me 'splain.

    I've had problems with low self-esteem and general feelings of "I'm not good enough" for several years. It's something that I'm well aware of and something that I rather dislike about myself. However, it's also something that I have no idea how to change or if I can even change it at all (part of me thinks it's because of a shunt malfunction from 10 years ago).

    So how does one get past such a thing? The reason why I ask is because my group has our big final presentation in my capstone class next week and I did a practice run of my portion of the presentation in front of my parents tonight. They told me that everything was really good, which surprised me because I didn't think I did that well, but I still have this lingering "I can't do this. I'm going to mess up again" feeling.

    So, yeah, how does one become more confident and less self-esteem-is-in-the-toilet-again?
    "Things that fail to kill me make me level up." ~ NateWantsToBattle, Training Hard (Counting Stars parody)

  • #2
    If you figure it out share it with me. My self-esteem has never been the best. That being said..here is my advice.

    Realize it doesn't matter what others think, or how they see you. It is what you think, and how you see yourself. I mean..I see a interesting, smart person who cares about others (or why would you care about what they think if you didn't). I see somebody who obviously impressed people during the practice run. Does this change your view of yourself? If not..then why let others change your view of yourself? Just be the genuine person you are..and you will do great.
    Engaged to the amazing Marmalady. She is my Silver Dragon, shining as bright as the sun. I her Black Dragon (though good honestly), dark as night..fierce and strong.

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    • #3
      For me it helped to actually accept that others' compliments were true. I sometimes think, I don't see it, but it must exist because others see it. That said, firecat--you are funny and outgoing (at least here) and smart. I like your posts.
      Last edited by Food Lady; 05-03-2012, 05:45 AM.
      "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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      • #4
        If it helps any:

        Confidence is generally projected. You can be nervous as hell but if you go out with your head high and your shoulders out people will *think* you're confident and things will flow better.

        There are other tricks on how to appear confident which can be of great help, but I can't remember them off the top of my head right now.
        A PSA, if I may, as well as another.

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        • #5
          Almost all anxiety is a learned behavior. I know that sounds radical, and there are genuine cases/issues where it isn't. But there are tons of coping mechanisms to help relieve anxiety/stress/fear or what have you.

          Confidence is also a learned behavior.

          The saying goes, if you think you can or can not do something you are usually right. A good portion of confidence comes from changing your way of thinking as you approach a situation. This isn't something you can do over night. You need to take the mindset that failure won't hurt you.

          One of the things we learn in education about helping students cope with test anxiety is to teach them to stretch before a test if they are feeling anxious. Just tense and relax your muscles. Most situations with anxiety trigger a fight or flight response and that is when your thinking brain will shut down and the primitive brain that concerns itself with survival and nothing else kicks in. The stretching is a way to relieve the adrenalin rush brought on by anxious thoughts and feelings.

          I would suggest look at test anxiety coping. There are a lot of good bits of advice in those that teach you how to gradually change the way you view a situation through repetition and the mindset you take when doing something.

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          • #6
            As a more long-term thing, I find focusing on the good stuff that I'm doing helps me. I still get the thoughts, but they're easier to ignore. So, my penny'orth:

            If someone compliments me on a job I've done well at work, I write it down (date, time, who, what the situation was). I've got a draft email at work that just sits in my folder, and it helps when I'm feeling that I can't do anything right - I've got proof that it isn't true, and it kicks my brain back from the exaggeration.

            If I think I've done something well at home - managed to tidy the kitchen, got one of my readings done for Uni, finished a panel of my sewing - I take a moment to sit back, think "yeah, that's good, I did well." Letting yourself be aware of what you're doing well becomes a habit, and it acts as a counter to the "I'm crap" thoughts.

            The other trick, from a friend who's a Samaritan, is to stop bad-talking yourself. If you start thinking "I'm useless, I'm worthless" then STOP and take a step back. You didn't do a task very well; you said the wrong thing to a friend; you tripped over on the bus and looked stupid. But try to keep your bad thoughts specific, as they're a lot easier to deal with than a general "worthless" feeling.
            I speak English, L33t, Sarcasm and basic Idiot.

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            • #7
              Fake it.

              That sounds like overly simple advice, but it worked for me. If your brain works the same as mine, there's probably nothing you can do to stop the I'm-not-good-enough thoughts from butting in, and that's fine, let them come, just don't let yourself be paralyzed by them. If you act confident, most people can't the difference between real confidence and faked, and it's a lot easier to be confident when people treat you as if you actually were (if that makes sense). With enough practice, maybe it won't be fake, any more. I'm not quite at that point, but maybe eventually...

              My self-esteem has always been close to non-existant, too. But last year, I had to give my thesis defense, and I started selling at cons, both things that require talking to people and being looked at.
              And I was terrified. There was no way in hell I was as good as the professors or the other artists. They knew what they were doing, I didn't. They were pros. My algorithm wasn't all that original. I just scribble on paper and glue stuff together. I stutter when I talk. I have less charisma then a pair of used gym socks.
              But I had to do this, or I would flunk/go broke.
              So my terribly nerdy and horribly embarassing solution was to "borrow" the personality of one of the characters I'd been writing about, one with enough charisma to overthrow a government and conquer a continent. Sure, the tragedy chorus in the back of my head still insisted that Aqutalion was stupid and untalented and no one liked her, but that didn't matter- Aqutalion wasn't giving the presentation/selling the stuff, Zeld!Aqutalion was. And for the most part, people couldn't tell it was all a big front.
              Random Doctor Who quote:
              "I'm sorry about your coccyx, too, Miss Grant."

              I has a gallery: deviantART gallery.
              I also has a "funny" blog: Aqu Improves Her Craft

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              • #8
                What aqutalion said.

                My advice would be that in any situation where you feel you aren't good enough, think of somebody that you think is good enough, and then act like you think they would act in that situation. It's kind of like a play where you're the only one that knows you're just acting.

                ^-.-^
                Faith is about what you do. It's about aspiring to be better and nobler and kinder than you are. It's about making sacrifices for the good of others. - Dresden

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                • #9
                  It's a mix of what aqutalion and crazylegs said. Project confidence by faking it. Senior year of college, I just started faking confidence. People thought I was so outgoing, more people wanted to chat with me and hang out with me. This in turn gave me real confidence that I now apply every day.

                  Just wish I had started doing this earlier in life.
                  "I've found that when you want to know the truth about someone, that someone is probably the last person you should ask." - House

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                  • #10
                    Another vote for the "fake it till ya make it" method.
                    I returned to school last Spring - training in a whole new career - I was terrified and cried all the way home the first day - I never thought I would make it. Just the other day a woman I met the first week just told me the first thing she noticed about me was my confidence. It wasn't until then I realized that I wasn't faking it anymore - it was for real.
                    Also, it helps to remember, esp. for class presentations, is that everyone there wants you to succeed.

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                    • #11
                      Prove it. "Fake it till you make it" works. It does NOT instill real confidence though. You will ALWAYS have doubts. Self confidence can be self delusion, and still be real enough. Find what you don't like about yourself, work it until YOU like the results. Not easy, not quick. What you do to get self confidence is BELIEVE IT.

                      People who make great and world-changing achievements can still have self doubt. It is a human condition. Practice knowing your limits and defy them. Improve yourself. Test yourself. When that little voice inside your head speaks.. INTERROGATE IT!! Why? HOW? Can it be better, or am I just making excuses? Is it my fault? WHY?! Am I making things better? Is this just me being mean to myself? You'll be surprised when you realize how much these doubts are just habit.
                      You hold power over me and abuse it. I do not like it, and say so. Suddenly I am a problem.. FIND. A. MIRROR!

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                      • #12
                        Quoth crazylegs View Post
                        If it helps any:

                        Confidence is generally projected. You can be nervous as hell but if you go out with your head high and your shoulders out people will *think* you're confident and things will flow better.

                        *snip*
                        Quoth aqutalion View Post
                        Fake it.

                        That sounds like overly simple advice, but it worked for me. If your brain works the same as mine, there's probably nothing you can do to stop the I'm-not-good-enough thoughts from butting in, and that's fine, let them come, just don't let yourself be paralyzed by them. If you act confident, most people can't the difference between real confidence and faked, and it's a lot easier to be confident when people treat you as if you actually were (if that makes sense). With enough practice, maybe it won't be fake, any more. I'm not quite at that point, but maybe eventually...

                        *snip*
                        Both of these are excellent. I had to do a group project this year in which each group member had to do a presentation. I hate doing presentations and frankly think the person who invented PowerPoint should've been strangled at birth. But I ended up with a group of peer reviews and several verbal comments that talked about how "confident" I looked while doing my presentation!

                        Behave "as if." "As if" you know you will do fine and "as if" you have few or no fears. Others can't see into your mind; they will see the confident person, and eventually you will find the "as if" confidence turn into the real thing.

                        Does that mean you'll never have doubts again? Definitely not. But I find that it gives me a better sense of perspective about what I can do and what I actually deserve, compared to what my brain is telling me at times.

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