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  • Questions I've been asked/ My inner answers (Language)

    After a while, the same basic question, that you've explained 300+ times, makes you head hurt, and your brain scream to answer the first thought in your head. Well, I wrote mine down.

    What do you have breakfast?
    Bagels, waffles, cereal, coffee, tea, juice, milk and muffins.
    No butter, or cream cheese?
    Well, yes. I’m sorry, I was assuming you’d understand, we offer the basics.
    How late is that grocery store open?
    Do you see cars? Hmm. then I’d assume they’re closed!
    Where can I get food?
    At.. the butt crack of dawn? Anywhere if you can drive.*As I’m explaining the cash policy* You must pay 50 dollars extra if you’re paying me cash. It’s my policy. “But I don’t want to pay it and you can just waive it.”
    Or.. you can give me the fifty dollars and have a room. No deposit, no room. Simple as that.
    HI, I’m calling for your weekly rate.
    367.92
    Is that without tax?
    That’s total.
    “What is it total.”
    367.92. *Headdesk*
    *Pushes orange juice button, no juice comes out* “You’re out of juice.”
    No.. no. It’s not time for breakfast. Not gonna bother starting it.
    I paid for my room I want juice! The customer is always right.
    No.. not always. And You aren’t getting any damn juice. Go back to your room and shut the fuck up.

    Do you have any rooms?

    No, sorry I’m sold out.
    Why?
    Cause.. people thought ahead and reserved their rooms rather driving cross country with no real secured place of rest?
    What’s going on in (small town here) that YOUR’RE full.
    Real life. It happens. Why are YOU here?
    Give me a room for 30 bucks and wave that 50 dollar cash fee for me.
    Again, after tax, you’d still not have paid for the shower and phone bill, or the cleaning shit we’d need to get your i’m-gonna-smoke-in-a-non-smoking self out of our hotel. Oh and that cash fee, stays. Pay up.
    What kinds of beds do you have?
    King or queen.
    What’s the difference?
    Between the beds? Size. Between us? A brain, that I seem to have and you don’t.
    *A potential guest has sent in her fourteen year old daughter, and when I send the child away, she gets angry, saying I was rude to children and the child was getting the room for her.*
    Here, let me make this easy for you. I don’t know that the child actually HAS an adult with her. So I say no. I’m not renting to ANY underage children. As such, you need to be over 21. I’m sorry I inconvenienced you, but too bad. And I am not rude to children, I only told your daughter she needed to have an adult, I couldn’t rent to her alone.
    *A guest isn’t getting their way, by complaining about something I can’t fix (Rate, machine not working..it can be anything). The next thing that comes from their mouth is “I’ll have your job.”
    Ask really, REALLY nicely and I may share. You do the work, and I’ll get the paycheck. Let’s see if you like putting up with assholes like yourself! I don’t get paid enough for this!
    Last edited by superhotelworker; 05-30-2010, 02:19 AM.

  • #2
    Ack, thought of More.

    Where’s the Ice machine?
    Well..it’s the thing labelled ICE you’ve walked past 2 times..

    What’s wrong with your vending machine? It didn’t take my dollar.
    No shit. There’s not a dollar slot since the machines nearly as old as me. Do you want change?

    I need quarters.

    I need a dollar to make the quarters. This isn’t an arcade..

    But I need them. I don’t have a dollar!

    Then no quarters for you!

    *After a guest falls down the stairs and another calls down* What was that sound?

    Someone proving why their iq is the number of braincells they’re currently running. Don’t worry! Everything’s okay!

    *After a guest complains about room price* Do you have a closet you can put me in?

    Nope, sorry. All are full. The ghosts called them first.

    Can I sleep in the lobby?
    No. Cause I don’t wanna deal with you any longer than I have to! You’ve asked too many damn questions!

    How do you go up?

    You walk up the stairs. Your choice of the short way (From the front) or the longer stair case (in the back). No elevator.

    Is there an elevator to bring us down?
    Since the elevator would have to go UP to take you DOWN and you can’t go UP on any elevator, especially our invisible one, NO!

    What time is breakfast?

    Well, the sign behind me says 6-10 am..the sign by the coffee says 6-10 and I told you 6-10 when you checked in. Genius.

    *after a guest stumbles or falls* Why do you dare me to stupid shit?

    **WARNING**You MUST resist the urge to say “We don’t dare you. You’re a fucktard on your own!”

    POST your own questions Don't worry, no SC can read them!

    Comment


    • #3
      I'd never before heard of a *fee* for paying cash. Deposits, sure, but you actually have a higher price?

      Very strange.
      Now the trouble about trying to make yourself stupider than you really are is that you very often succeed.

      Comment


      • #4
        Quoth superhotelworker View Post
        Is there an elevator to bring us down?
        Since the elevator would have to go UP to take you DOWN and you can’t go UP on any elevator, especially our invisible one, NO!
        In the break room, we have a generic task list that goes out to everyone in the chain, and one line says "Clean stairways and elevators." New trainees ask if we actually have an elevator...we tell them it's invisible and that if we can see it, they didn't clean it well enough.

        Here's a convo I often get:

        Is the [steakhouse next door] closed?
        Well, they're parking lot is vacant, their flowerbeds are overgrown, their sign is gone, the building is empty...so yeah, I'd say they were.
        But that's the whole reason we came here!
        They've been closed for two years. Perhaps you should have researched that before you came down here.
        Why are they closed?
        'Cause people don't want to spend money on excessively expensive food in this economy.
        Where is there another steak house close by?
        There isn't. We have Thai, Greek, Chinese, Mexican, Japanese, Pizza, and good ol' American burger joints on the strip here. The closest steak house is two miles away.
        That's to faaar!
        Alrighty, then. Let me just pick up a business license and a lease to the building next door. I'll open up a steak house for you. It'll take me a few minutes, though, so you're going to have to wait. Or, see the above options we have on the nearby commercial strip and try something new.

        Of course, that's not as great as this one I get less often, but it still happens.

        What happened to Denny's?
        Let me see...they haven't been there for over ten years!
        But I come here all the time and that's the whole reason I came here!
        You do not come here all the time. Again, they've been closed for over ten years. If you did, in fact, come here all the time, you would have noticed that.
        Last edited by bhskittykatt; 05-30-2010, 08:40 PM.
        Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

        Comment


        • #5
          LMAO. Wow.
          But I come here all the time and that's the whole reason I came here!
          You do not come here all the time. Again, they've been closed for over ten years. If you did, in fact, come here all the time, you would have noticed that.
          I come here all the time! It've been coming here for 30 years!
          Okay, ya don't come here all the time, or you'd be in my system, number one. Number two, the damn building isn't 30 years old yet!

          ANyone else have stupid questions from work? They don't have to be hotel related! :P And yes, we charge a cash fee. Too many people pay cash then trash the rooms.

          Comment


          • #6
            ~when i was working for Sbux~
            is your coffee good?
            nope. it's absolute crap. spoiled milk, week espresso...total crap

            why do you charge so much?
            ...because you pay it

            ~when i was working for mrs. fields~
            (after getting the 44 oz soda)do you have anything bigger?
            ...i have an empty 10 gallon frosting bucket in the back. would that work?

            do you have icecream?
            do you see an icecream machine behind me? is there icecream anywhere on our menu? you're an idiot. gtfa

            what kind of cookies do you have?
            why don't you look in the case in front of you, you idiot.

            when did you stop selling pretzels? i got a pretzel here last week!
            mm no you didn't. we've never sold pretzels. i've worked here for three years and not once sold a pretzel. there's a pretzel place directly above us so go up there you idiot

            can i leave my bags o' crap here while i continue shopping?
            ...what!? no! leave!

            ~when i was working at the Dollar Tree~
            how much is this?
            for you? it's on sale for a million dollars. pay up, bub

            how accurate is this pregnancy test?
            you're buying it at a dollar store. i'm guessing not very

            this didn't work/taste right/live up to my expectations! i demand a refund!
            it's...it's a dollar! what the hell did you expect?
            If you want to be happy, be. ~Leo Tolstoy

            i'm on fb and xbox live; pm me if ya wanna be "friends"
            ^_^

            Comment


            • #7
              at the relay call center
              Relay, are you still there
              No, I'm not, I just decided to be a douche like all of our callers and leave without actually closing the connection and leaving you in a state of unknowing... betcha don't like it, do you.
              but I don't know any deaf people
              Yes, but if I find out that you posted an ad on the internet selling something then I will reach through the phone and strangle you... the whole fucking point of your ad was to get the attention of people you don't know who may be interested in doing a transaction and it worked asshole.
              why would a deaf person be calling *insert name of restaurant here*
              Oh, I dont know, but I think that just maybe they are hungry and want to place an order... that's why I'd be calling you.
              why can't they just call me directly
              Umm, perhaps you didn't hear the part about them being deaf... if that's the case, here, let me give you our website, we can help you too.
              *after relaying an automated message about a person's account or whatever*
              what does that mean
              Why the hell should I know... it's your account, not mine.

              At the hotel
              Are you guys by the airport
              No, I just answered the phone (hotel) at the Salt Lake City Airport for the hell of it.
              I just saw your shuttle go past, do you guys have shuttle service
              No, we just use him as a billboard, you have to walk here.
              are you guys serving breakfast
              No, not at all, those people you walked past eating breakfast are nothing but a figmant of your imagination
              Can we buy stuff from this food mart
              No, we just put it there to tease you

              when I worked at the reservation center
              are you sure you know anything about this hotel
              No, I don't even know why I answered the phone
              Why can't you give me a better rate on that room
              because your a self entitled douche who wants a view of the San Diego bay and a balcony who is too cheap to pay a fair price for it.


              I"m sure I'll get more
              If you wish to find meaning, listen to the music not the song

              Comment


              • #8
                Quoth superhotelworker View Post
                *Pushes orange juice button, no juice comes out* “You’re out of juice.”
                No.. no. It’s not time for breakfast. Not gonna bother starting it.
                I paid for my room I want juice! The customer is always right.
                No.. not always. And You aren’t getting any damn juice. Go back to your room and shut the fuck up.
                You owe me a new keyboard. Permission to steal: "Go back to your room and STFU"?
                "So, if you wanna put places like that outta business, just stop being so rock-chewingly stupid." ~ Raudf, 9/19/13

                Comment


                • #9
                  GO ahead. LMAO and sorry for the keyboard.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    At McD's.

                    *Female shift lead takes order, customer pulls up to first window* Are you the person who took my order?
                    Do I F***ing LOOK like a chick?

                    *Person driving vehicle with diesel engine pulls up, blowing my eardrum through the far wall and attempts to order* I can't hear you... Can you speak up or something?
                    No, no I cannot. Either shut your F***ing engine off or get the F*** out of my drive-through.
                    (This also happens with stereos instead of engines, and stereos combined with engines.)

                    Can I get a cheeseburger with no cheese?
                    Really? I mean, seriously? It's called a f***ing hamburger, dammit.
                    (And man, no joke...they'll frigging argue with you about that one.)

                    *Upon hearing that they're order total is $6.66* Um...what's the cheapest thing on your menu?
                    Well, for an overly superstitious dolt like yourself, I'm going to have to recommend water, which, being free, is not only the cheapest thing on the menu, but it's not going to change your total.

                    *customer offers one gallon baggy full of change* Is this enough to pay for my order?
                    I have no clue, but there's no f***ing way I'mma count that and find out. You're one of six cars in my drive-through, and I am not interested in spending an hour counting your pennies, nickels, and dimes, just to see if there's twenty plus dollars in there. F***. That. Get the f*** out of my drive-through, go to the safeway down the street, put that in the CoinStar, and come back with real money.

                    *customer offers a comp coupon from the Dalles, TriCities, SeaTac, etc..* I have this, so I don't need to pay.
                    *sighs* Yeah, no. Read the fine print. If it ain't from this region, corporate won't honor it with us, so we ain't gonna honor it with you. Pay with either real money or plastic...or GTFO.

                    *Mid-winter* I slipped in your driveway and it's your fault so you should comp my food (or something to that effect)
                    *snorts* Yeah...no. I'm sorry, but if you didn't expect there to be ice on the blacktop, in spite of the foot and a half of snow on the ground, I have no sympathy. You didn't slip on one of our sidewalks, so we're not required to comp you unless you're injured, and if you're injured, you should GTFO and go get checked out at the hospital.

                    *insert a great deal of customer swearing here, followed by a request from staff for them to stop before they're asked to leave* I'm the customer, you're required to serve me.
                    Nope. Actually, with you swearing at me, the only thing policy requires of me is to call the police if you don't leave when asked to do so.

                    I slipped on the floor so you should comp my food.
                    Do you not see the yellow signage on the floor? Are you completely retarded? No. I'm not comping your food, I'm not lowering the cost of your food, and no, I'm not getting a manager for you, just so they can refuse to comp your food. Pay up or get out.

                    I'm friends with the manager/owner/etc, so you should comp my food.
                    *snort* Yeah, right. The owner doesn't have his food comped unless he's working, and you are not on our staff. So I don' care if you're the owner's brother/sister, you pay full price or you get out.
                    <WARNING> THIS MINION IS COMPLETELY INSANE </WARNING>
                    This Minion brought to you by superhotelworker.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      For the phone company as a supervisor:

                      My phone dropped the call. Comp me the minute I lost!
                      No! F*ck you! It's ONE MINUTE. The credit would be less than 30 cents. I'm NOT bothering, I'm not REQUIRED to care, and no, you're not speaking to the call center manager above my head either.

                      But I didn't know I should have canceled my stolen contract phone! Credit me the minutes! (they were closing the call center, and were being rather unfriendly about it, so I credited this lady back and then some. What would they do, fire me?*)
                      ...Your phone was stolen over seas, and it NEVER occurred to you that they may want to use the phone for free to rack up minutes on YOUR bill? You just thought they wanted to get a free phone you can get for $5 at any phone store?

                      For the cable company:
                      My cable was out for 5 minutes during a broadcast of <latest craze tv show>. I demand a credit!
                      Ok! Your prorated credit of $0.002 has been applied. Since the system drops anything smaller than 1 cent, you won't see it until you rack up at least 1 cent in credit. Have a nice day! *hang up*

                      Collections? You sent my account to collections? but WHYYYYYYYYYYY?!
                      ...Shall I draw a picture? You. Didn't. Pay. Your. Bill. STFU and GTFO.

                      But the fight's on tonight! I can pay right now!
                      Great! Go talk to the collections company that's been hassling you for the last month and work it out with them. You just MIGHT get service reconnected by next week!

                      And for web hosting:

                      You offer unlimited domains. How many is that?
                      ...What color is the Lone Ranger's white horse, you twat?

                      But why are you charging me for registering domains? It's unlimited!
                      Clearly, you fail to realize the inherent difference in definitions between the words "free" and "unlimited". Go look it up in a dictionary, since I doubt your hairy ape knuckles can handle a keyboard.

                      How do I do <definitely unsupported thing with Windows hosting we don't offer>?
                      Google.

                      That's not an answer!
                      Yes it is. It's the only one I can provide, since we offer Linux shared hosting, not Windows dedicated hosting.

                      *: The company concerned wasn't going to tell us the call center was closing until they closed it and we couldn't get back into the building. We found out because a coworker found a text message in the server from an exec talking about it. When we called them on it, they offered to move us over to a nearby outsourced system, for a huge paycut, and a horrid schedule. All of a sudden, we got really liberal with crediting customers, and giving stuff for free to customers. No, not my finest moment, but I was young and dumb.
                      Coworker: Distro of choice?
                      Me: Gentoo.
                      Coworker: Ahh. A Masochist. I thought so.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        You offer unlimited domains. How many is that?
                        ...What color is the Lone Ranger's white horse, you twat?
                        I seriously almost chocked on water. Love it <3

                        Where is your pool?
                        Same place as the coke machine: At the local gym.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Quoth Midorikawa View Post
                          You offer unlimited domains. How many is that?
                          ...What color is the Lone Ranger's white horse, you twat?
                          Grey. White isn't considered a valid registration color for most breeder assosiations.
                          Last edited by Geek King; 06-04-2010, 03:55 PM.
                          The Rich keep getting richer because they keep doing what it was that made them rich. Ditto the Poor.
                          "Hy kan tell dey is schmot qvestions, dey is makink my head hurt."
                          Hoc spatio locantur.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Accounting software tech support:

                            You're not [Intuit/Sage]?
                            (** often in response to "Have you done tech support with us before at <companyname>?" -- my personal best is mentioning our name FIVE TIMES before getting this question; the average is three)
                            No ma'am, that would be why I answered the phone as "<companyname that sounds NOTHING like Intuit, Sage, nor their products>, this is EricKei, how may I help you?"

                            Wait, wait, you CHARGE for technical support?! ARGABARGAHBLASPHEMY!

                            Well, if you can give me a good reason to support products that we do not even MAKE for free, and get all of the other techs to work for free, then, yes, we'll be happy to provide you with free support

                            But...but I have a support plane with [Intuit/Sage]! Here's my customer ID! Here's the case number!
                            We use neither of those. I would suggest you call them directly. Here's their website (** or, if I'm feeling really nice, the toll-free sales number. they hide the direct line to tech support really well. We PAY for direct access to them, I'm sure not gonna give it to you for free)

                            (really rare) Are you sure you're not [Intuit/Sage]?
                            Well, let's see... Did you get a computer on the line who then placed you on hold for ten minutes, or did you get a human being on the second ring? The latter? Well then, guess what? WE'RE NOT [INTUIT/SAGE]! We support their products, but we're not part of I/S. Also, we're not based out of any city where either of them have an office.

                            Wait, I just bought it! It says we get free installation support from them for X days!

                            (** read that again. carefully. Especially the part where it says you get free support from THEM, not us. Note also that the stickers advertising same usually come with a number to call that ain't ours...)

                            I need to register my product
                            I would suggest you call I/S's registration department, then. That would be the toll-free number that appears on screen, ON THE PRODUCT REGISTRATION POPUP WINDOW

                            We've even had the occasional caller who refuse to believe that we're NOT I/S; we also get some who claim that literature sent out by I/S had our number on it (only possible when we do an ad campaign)...OR, better yet, that our number was inside the box. We've asked for a scan/fax of same when this happens; we've yet to get even one (especially because the brass at S/I would be really interested to know how such a monumental f***up could have happened)
                            "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
                            "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
                            "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
                            "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
                            "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
                            "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
                            Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
                            "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Can you transfer me to another [hotel] in your chain?
                              No. I'm Not able to do that.

                              But you're the same chain!
                              Really that's the only similarity.

                              It's bad business, the customer is always right!
                              No. No you are not. Most of the time, you aren't remotely close!

                              Comment

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