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It's Pining for the Fjords! (Long)

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  • It's Pining for the Fjords! (Long)

    Regular male customer came in today, after having bought a laptop from me back in November. Seems said laptop, one of those little convertibles (the 360 degree hinge kind), had stopped booting. Power cord swapped out. Check. Hold down power button firmly, check. Open the laptop, disconnect the battery, and discharge the capacitors before plugging it all back in. Check. Machine is DOA with only the power light turning on, the fan turning, no other signs of life, and still under the manufacturer's warranty. Phone call time!

    About 15 minutes of the usual "Oh, this isn't MY department, let me get you to the right one," later, and we finally get to the hardware tech. What follows is as near as I can remember. At no time did I raise my voice, in fact I lowered it at several times. I was in full deadpan/snark mode by the end, though I DID start out nice.

    R: "Thank you for calling <manufacturer>. How may I assist you?"

    M: "I am a <company> tech, calling with <customer> to have his laptop fixed under warranty. It will not turn on whatsoever. I have performed these steps <listing above> and all I get are a power light and a CPU fan. The hard drive doesn't even attempt to spin. We need his motherboard replaced."

    R: "Okay, Mrs. <customer's last name>, this is a software issue. Can you please his F8 when you see the <manufacturer> logo?"

    M: "I just stated that the screen is black. There IS no logo."

    R: "Ma'am, just work with me here. I need you to make sure the battery is in the machine and it is plugged in."

    M: "Yes and yes. Still dead."

    R: "As I said, this is a software issue. Can you please go to your desktop..."

    M: <Deadpan/Snark ON>"WHAT desktop? She's DEAD."

    R: "Ma'am, try hitting F2 while you tap the power button. We may need to flash the BIOS."

    M: *dutifully attempts. still not working* "I already told you, THAT would require the machine even being able to GET to the BIOS. The screen is black."

    R: "Ma'am, I assure you this is probably software..."

    M: "'S DED. It is a BRICK."

    R: "What do you mean by brick?"

    M: "This is an EX-LAPTOP."

    R: "So it is not a laptop, ma'am?"

    M: "Seriously? Yes, it IS a laptop. A very. dead. laptop."

    R: "Okay then, you can now try to turn on the machine."

    M: "Sir, I PROMISE you, this is a motherboard issue."

    R: "Ma'am, I am aware you THINK this is a motherboard issue..."

    M: *gets closer to the speaker phone with every single word* "I. Have. SEVENTEEN. Years of hardware experience. Do you REALLY want to test me on this?"

    R: *silent for a moment* "Ma'am, it is software."

    M: "The computer is DECEASED. Do I REALLY need to go full Monty Python on you?"

    R: "Ma'am, please let me troubleshoot the software!"

    M: "I JUST told you that I not ONLY disconnected the internal battery and drained the capacitors, and it STILL did nothing but turn on the power light and spin the fan!"

    R: "Ma'am, if it is spinning the fan the laptop is getting power and therefore it will turn on. Please go into the BIOS."

    M: "You are REALLY not listening to me."

    R: "Ma'am, I am listening to you."

    At this point, the customer speaks up. "You're listening to us but you're not HEARING us."

    M: "I promise you, it IS the motherboard. The computer. Is. Dead."

    R: "Let me get you a supervisor." (Sexism lives, folks!)

    The supervisor, despite Speaking. Like. This. Very. Calmly. And. Carefully. did assure us that the machine would be expedited straight out, all shipping paid for. He PERSONALLY would see to it that his best tech and Quality Assurance people would handle everything. He promised that he would call the customer after it was shipped back to make sure everything's okay. The customer will also bring it to me for the unboxing so I can double check the work. We shall see what happens. At least my manager and the customer thought the call was hilarious.

    I'll need to post a couple more recent vendor calls eventually. Those need more time to cool off, but this one was just too bad to NOT share.
    Last edited by Dragon_Dreamer; 04-20-2016, 12:26 AM.

  • #2
    I wish you'd gone the full monty...uh, the full monty python.
    "Is it hot in here to you? It's very warm, isn't it?"--Nero, probably

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    • #3
      It's run up the curtain ('cuz it's hanging on the Windows ) and joined the choir invisible!
      "For a musician, the SNES sound engine is like using Crayola Crayons. Nobuo Uematsu used Crayola Crayons to paint the Sistine Chapel." - Jeremy Jahns (re: "Dancing Mad")
      "The difference between an amateur and a master is that the master has failed way more times." - JoCat
      "Thinking is difficult, therefore let the herd pronounce judgment!" ~ Carl Jung
      "There's burning bridges, and then there's the lake just to fill it with gasoline." - Wiccy, reddit
      "Retail is a cruel master, and could very well be the most educational time of many people's lives, in its own twisted way." - me
      "Love keeps her in the air when she oughta fall down...tell you she's hurtin' 'fore she keens...makes her a home." - Capt. Malcolm Reynolds, "Serenity" (2005)
      Acts of Gord – Read it, Learn it, Love it!
      "Our psychic powers only work if the customer has a mind to read." - me

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      • #4
        I don't think the guy even GOT the Monty Python references...which only goes to show you his education is sorely lacking

        Seriously, how could he ask you to do something that requires you to have a functioning screen when you haven't got one! Condescending twit!
        When you start at zero, everything's progress.

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        • #5
          Quoth Dragon_Dreamer View Post
          M: "'S DED. It is a BRICK."

          R: "What do you mean by brick?"

          M: "This is an EX-LAPTOP."

          R: "So it is not a laptop, ma'am?"
          I can't even. He didn't know the term brick? He thought you had an actual brick?

          I've been down the "let's prove this is a software problem so we don't have to fix it!" route before. It was long and depressing, and in the end they did accept that the graphics card had died, and that it was covered under warranty. Nowhere near as horrible as this tech, though.
          Replace anger management with stupidity management.

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          • #6
            When I still worked doing telephone tech support I had asshole co-workers who were very much like the idiot the OP had on the line. They took pride in trying to pull this sort of stuff on their callers for some reason, and it was even worse when they were dealing with a tech who knew their stuff. And we're not even going to touch on the over-seas call center who read off of a script and were told to push back on anything that might be at all hardware because if they had too many repairs sent in it might mean they lose the contract with the manufacturer! Go figure -_-

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            • #7
              Quoth Dragon_Dreamer View Post
              (Sexism lives, folks!)
              Though I know it does, I have to say you are not the only one that has to deal with these shenanigans. I have been working Tech for the last 12 years at DoD its everything from Hardware / Software repair, Server Rebuilds, to Satellite links. I have a mixed bag, When ever I end up calling some desk jockey who wants to play the let me read the script and not fix your problem I make it my life mission to make them cry.


              I am very successful in this tasking. At the end of all my conversations I always tell them two pieces of advice "Play stupid games win stupid prizes" and "Never get in an argument with a Ginger"

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              • #8
                I technically have "seventeen years of hardware experience" and was flummoxed by a recent BIOS issue with mom's laptop. One of the manufacturer updates reflashed the BIOS (but did not advise it was doing so--bad vendor, no biscuit!) and one of the settings that was reset wouldn't allow the laptop to boot until I figured out how to get in and change it...which they don't want consumers to know how to do.
                "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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                • #9
                  Quoth Dreamstalker View Post
                  I technically have "seventeen years of hardware experience" and was flummoxed by a recent BIOS issue with mom's laptop. One of the manufacturer updates reflashed the BIOS (but did not advise it was doing so--bad vendor, no biscuit!) and one of the settings that was reset wouldn't allow the laptop to boot until I figured out how to get in and change it...which they don't want consumers to know how to do.
                  That one sounds like fun. I run into new issues occasionally, but it was obvious even to my coworker with 6 months experience that this laptop had a hardware issue.

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                  • #10
                    Crai I have a soft spot for gingers. One of my friends is a ginger and I can confirm that it is beyond stupid to aggravate a ginger. Now treat them right and they are some of the most fun, snarky, crazy people to hang with. Dragon I find many people don't understand the difference between hearing and listening. I was ready to headdesk out of empathy by the end of that one.

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                    • #11
                      Quoth pudddykat View Post
                      ... I can confirm that it is beyond stupid to aggravate a ginger.
                      A (female) friend of mine keeps dying her hair red as "a warning to the rest of the world".

                      No, you do not want to aggravate her...
                      “There are two novels that can change a bookish fourteen-year old’s life: The Lord of the Rings and Atlas Shrugged.
                      One is a childish fantasy that often engenders a lifelong obsession with its unbelievable heroes, leading to an emotionally stunted, socially crippled adulthood, unable to deal with the real world.
                      The other, of course, involves orcs." -- John Rogers

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                      • #12
                        Quoth MoonCat View Post
                        Seriously, how could he ask you to do something that requires you to have a functioning screen when you haven't got one! Condescending twit!
                        Simple. His call center gets "dinged" for every repair that it authorizes, and feces flow downhill. He wants to avoid authorizing a repair. If he follows a procedure that requires the customer to do certain diagnostics before he'll authorize a repair, and the diagnostics are not possible if the hardware is bad, then he'll be able to refuse the repair on the grounds of the customer not doing the required diagnostics.
                        Any fool can piss on the floor. It takes a talented SC to shit on the ceiling.

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                        • #13
                          Quoth Dragon_Dreamer View Post
                          That one sounds like fun.
                          The actual setting change took five seconds, but the longest part was getting into BIOS to do it (this vendor doesn't make it easy to either find the right command or access anything before being told "No boot device").
                          "I am quite confident that I do exist."
                          "Excuse me, I'm making perfect sense. You're just not keeping up." The Doctor

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