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I know I know. I'm being lazy this week.... -.-
The Plight of Jim - An 867 Story
Meet Jim. Jim lives in what I'm guessing is the armpit of Canada. Jim has only a single hobby/desire/purpose in life: Once a night he heaves himself off his leaking, grease stained beanbag chair and stumbles out of his mobile home to his tool shed, cracks open the nearest can of paint he can find and just gleefully huffs the fumes for a couple of hours. Then, after he spends half an hour trying to manage walking the straight line back to his trailer, he reaches for the phone and calls us. He has only one thing in mind. That is, of course, PANTS. He must have pants. "I'm lookin fer pants!" he cries or "I want some pants!". He then proceeds to order enough pants for him, his immediate family and every neighbour within one tank's gas range on a snowmobile plus his dog. Finding pants that fit the dog seems to be problematic as he's been trying a variety of sizes and styles.
Thus far he's been averaging one stoned order for pants per evening this week. One more call and he'll seriously break the $1000 mark in pants.
( Update: Jim did indeed break the $1000 mark in pants. )
What Twisted Webs We Weave
1. Caller called for tech support.
2. Tech was notified.
3. Tech calls caller back....and tells her to call <same company she just called> for tech support
4. Caller calls me back for tech support...
Can someone stop the ride please? I'd like to get off now.
Right....
According to caller the CSIS ( Thats our CIA up here ) is after him and are going to "set him up". Thus, naturally, America must come to his rescue. He tried going to the cops but they were all in on the conspiracy. So now America needs to rescue him before they make him "finger 9/11 on you guys.". By which I assume he means Americans.
So all you 9/11 conspiracy theorists can relax now. Apparently Canada cracked the case and all we had to do was ask some guy named Sheldon.
You want what?
"Hi, I'd like a goat on my roof."
....er, hmmm....you know the worst part about this is your completely serious. I suppose I can *try* to arrange that. I'm not sure where to get a goat but, well, thats what Google's for. I guess the real problem would be getting the goat up onto the roof. I doubt they can climb ladders too well. We could try and sort of chuck him up there but I can't guarantee he'd stick unless we used some sort of adhesive. Tile grout maybe?
If its more then say 2 or 3 stories though...I dunno. That could be tricky. We'd almost need like a trebuchet or something. Some form of goat-a-pult if you will.....off to Home Depot...? ( You can build it, we can help? ).
867
Me: "Alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "I don't know."
....ok usually callers at least give me a hint or two I can work with. You on the other hand just handed me a LEGO set that contained no instructions, 4 pieces of LEGO, an orange and a live ferret. But the front of the box has the Bat Cave on it.
I'm a dick.
Outside Granville Station a particularly hairy street troll inquired: "Hey dude, are there any cops down there?!"
( So he could fare jump the Skytrain )
I shake my head no.
There were actually 4 of course. But I am bitter and passive aggressive.
867
Me: "Ok, and what would you like to order?"
SC: "…huh?"
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "…..wha?"
Me: "What. Would. You. Like. To. Order?"
SC: "….uh…."
You mean you just called to tell me your name, number and address? How kind of you! In return for your generosity I shall offer you some sage advice: Put the phone down. Take your other hand out of your pants and put both hands over your ears. This a safety precaution. Ok, now, by my rough estimate you have at least 2, possibly 3 braincells operating inside the dark, cavernous interior of your slopped missing link like skull. So what I need you to do now is rotate your head in a circular motion. Get your whole upper body into it. I know this is probably more exercise then you've had in the last 10 years combined, but stick with me here. Hopefully this motion should get the lil' buggers moving. Remember, keep your hands over your ears. You only have 3 left tops and you don't want any of em to fall out. You can't afford the lose any this point. As is you barely have enough to remember how to breath.
If you're lucky and all goes well eventually 2 of them will collide. It may take a few minutes, or a hours….maybe a few months. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut once and a while so keep at it. But once it happens you'll have an strange, utterly alien feeling. That feeling is called a clue. Grab it and cling to it like a drowning man. Now, armed with newfound clarity, call back and we can order you up some pants. Because I'm sure that’s what this was all about to begin with. Pants. Its always pants.
Go For It
SC: "They dun shut my Direct TV off last night!"
Me: "Ok, well-"
SC: "Imma call the FBI and get whomever I need to get on this!"
Wow. You know if there's ANYONE on this earth who gives less of a warm, oily ferret shit about your Direct TV it would be them. But by all means ring them up. Hell, conference call them. I want in on this too.
Death to America
Mr Death to America has been calling this week looking specifically for me. Mainly so he can inform me "F**k you AND your children!" and other such pleasantries. So the other day after I got off shift I was amusing two coworkers with tales of Mr Death to America and his various pleasantries....
....when one of our new hires stands up, turns around to look at me ( Since I'm TEH LEADER in morning ) and goes "Um....someone just told me to f*ck me and my children. What do I do?"
All three of us burst out laughing.
( He actually asked Death to America to HOLD, then put him on hold to ask me what to do. )
First Impressions
( This is a client's info desk line too. Not our actual corporate line. )
Me: "Good evening, <company>-"
SC: "Do you like your job there?"
Me: "….pardon?"
SC: "I'm planning to like, work as an operator there. Do you like working there?"
Oh? Are you going to fax your resume in? Because one of the stall's in the men's room is out of toilet paper and that would really help us out.
Oh for...
SC: "Imma call da attorney general and whomever else I gotta to call!"
I'm sure he cares too. For those of you playing the home game I've now been threatened with the FBI and the Attorney General in the space of 24 hours all over someone's Direct TV. Jesus Christ people, read a book. You know, books? That thing thats keeping your coffee table level? No, not the beer cooler lid. The other one. Yeah, there you go.
A Cunning Plan
SC: "Yeah I went to the <hotel> and they said they had no rooms. So I went the <other hotel> at such and such and they had rooms but they didn't take your voucher!"
Me: "Alright, what's your name?"
SC: "Witless McAsstunnel"
Me: "Ok, your reservation is actually at the <completely different hotel we would have given him the name of no less then 4 times along with the phone number and address when he first called.>"
SC: "…oh."
So rather then calling us back to confirm your reservation you simply went around to every hotel you could think off to see if it was there? In your mind you may have seen this course of action as ingenious. But out here in the real world I would submit that you're a bit of a pillow biter. Still, I do admire your perseverance.
Employment Opportunities
SC: "Are you guys like lookin' fer roofers?"
Maybe, maybe not. However if I was ever involved in such a selection process I would immediately rule out every ditch ape that called to inquire at 5:30am.
Employment Opportunities 2
( Different company )
SC: "Are you guys like lookin' fer operators?"
Maybe, maybe not. However if I was ever involved in such a selection process I would immediately rule out the exact same ditch ape that just called to inquire at 5:30am. Bit of a multi-talented ditch ape, aren't you?
...annnd I rest. For now. -.-
The Plight of Jim - An 867 Story
Meet Jim. Jim lives in what I'm guessing is the armpit of Canada. Jim has only a single hobby/desire/purpose in life: Once a night he heaves himself off his leaking, grease stained beanbag chair and stumbles out of his mobile home to his tool shed, cracks open the nearest can of paint he can find and just gleefully huffs the fumes for a couple of hours. Then, after he spends half an hour trying to manage walking the straight line back to his trailer, he reaches for the phone and calls us. He has only one thing in mind. That is, of course, PANTS. He must have pants. "I'm lookin fer pants!" he cries or "I want some pants!". He then proceeds to order enough pants for him, his immediate family and every neighbour within one tank's gas range on a snowmobile plus his dog. Finding pants that fit the dog seems to be problematic as he's been trying a variety of sizes and styles.
Thus far he's been averaging one stoned order for pants per evening this week. One more call and he'll seriously break the $1000 mark in pants.
( Update: Jim did indeed break the $1000 mark in pants. )
What Twisted Webs We Weave
1. Caller called for tech support.
2. Tech was notified.
3. Tech calls caller back....and tells her to call <same company she just called> for tech support
4. Caller calls me back for tech support...
Can someone stop the ride please? I'd like to get off now.
Right....
According to caller the CSIS ( Thats our CIA up here ) is after him and are going to "set him up". Thus, naturally, America must come to his rescue. He tried going to the cops but they were all in on the conspiracy. So now America needs to rescue him before they make him "finger 9/11 on you guys.". By which I assume he means Americans.
So all you 9/11 conspiracy theorists can relax now. Apparently Canada cracked the case and all we had to do was ask some guy named Sheldon.
You want what?
"Hi, I'd like a goat on my roof."
....er, hmmm....you know the worst part about this is your completely serious. I suppose I can *try* to arrange that. I'm not sure where to get a goat but, well, thats what Google's for. I guess the real problem would be getting the goat up onto the roof. I doubt they can climb ladders too well. We could try and sort of chuck him up there but I can't guarantee he'd stick unless we used some sort of adhesive. Tile grout maybe?
If its more then say 2 or 3 stories though...I dunno. That could be tricky. We'd almost need like a trebuchet or something. Some form of goat-a-pult if you will.....off to Home Depot...? ( You can build it, we can help? ).
867
Me: "Alright, what can I do for you?"
SC: "I don't know."
....ok usually callers at least give me a hint or two I can work with. You on the other hand just handed me a LEGO set that contained no instructions, 4 pieces of LEGO, an orange and a live ferret. But the front of the box has the Bat Cave on it.
I'm a dick.
Outside Granville Station a particularly hairy street troll inquired: "Hey dude, are there any cops down there?!"
( So he could fare jump the Skytrain )
I shake my head no.
There were actually 4 of course. But I am bitter and passive aggressive.
867
Me: "Ok, and what would you like to order?"
SC: "…huh?"
Me: "What would you like to order?"
SC: "…..wha?"
Me: "What. Would. You. Like. To. Order?"
SC: "….uh…."
You mean you just called to tell me your name, number and address? How kind of you! In return for your generosity I shall offer you some sage advice: Put the phone down. Take your other hand out of your pants and put both hands over your ears. This a safety precaution. Ok, now, by my rough estimate you have at least 2, possibly 3 braincells operating inside the dark, cavernous interior of your slopped missing link like skull. So what I need you to do now is rotate your head in a circular motion. Get your whole upper body into it. I know this is probably more exercise then you've had in the last 10 years combined, but stick with me here. Hopefully this motion should get the lil' buggers moving. Remember, keep your hands over your ears. You only have 3 left tops and you don't want any of em to fall out. You can't afford the lose any this point. As is you barely have enough to remember how to breath.
If you're lucky and all goes well eventually 2 of them will collide. It may take a few minutes, or a hours….maybe a few months. But even a blind squirrel finds a nut once and a while so keep at it. But once it happens you'll have an strange, utterly alien feeling. That feeling is called a clue. Grab it and cling to it like a drowning man. Now, armed with newfound clarity, call back and we can order you up some pants. Because I'm sure that’s what this was all about to begin with. Pants. Its always pants.
Go For It
SC: "They dun shut my Direct TV off last night!"
Me: "Ok, well-"
SC: "Imma call the FBI and get whomever I need to get on this!"
Wow. You know if there's ANYONE on this earth who gives less of a warm, oily ferret shit about your Direct TV it would be them. But by all means ring them up. Hell, conference call them. I want in on this too.
Death to America
Mr Death to America has been calling this week looking specifically for me. Mainly so he can inform me "F**k you AND your children!" and other such pleasantries. So the other day after I got off shift I was amusing two coworkers with tales of Mr Death to America and his various pleasantries....
....when one of our new hires stands up, turns around to look at me ( Since I'm TEH LEADER in morning ) and goes "Um....someone just told me to f*ck me and my children. What do I do?"
All three of us burst out laughing.
( He actually asked Death to America to HOLD, then put him on hold to ask me what to do. )
First Impressions
( This is a client's info desk line too. Not our actual corporate line. )
Me: "Good evening, <company>-"
SC: "Do you like your job there?"
Me: "….pardon?"
SC: "I'm planning to like, work as an operator there. Do you like working there?"
Oh? Are you going to fax your resume in? Because one of the stall's in the men's room is out of toilet paper and that would really help us out.
Oh for...
SC: "Imma call da attorney general and whomever else I gotta to call!"
I'm sure he cares too. For those of you playing the home game I've now been threatened with the FBI and the Attorney General in the space of 24 hours all over someone's Direct TV. Jesus Christ people, read a book. You know, books? That thing thats keeping your coffee table level? No, not the beer cooler lid. The other one. Yeah, there you go.
A Cunning Plan
SC: "Yeah I went to the <hotel> and they said they had no rooms. So I went the <other hotel> at such and such and they had rooms but they didn't take your voucher!"
Me: "Alright, what's your name?"
SC: "Witless McAsstunnel"
Me: "Ok, your reservation is actually at the <completely different hotel we would have given him the name of no less then 4 times along with the phone number and address when he first called.>"
SC: "…oh."
So rather then calling us back to confirm your reservation you simply went around to every hotel you could think off to see if it was there? In your mind you may have seen this course of action as ingenious. But out here in the real world I would submit that you're a bit of a pillow biter. Still, I do admire your perseverance.
Employment Opportunities
SC: "Are you guys like lookin' fer roofers?"
Maybe, maybe not. However if I was ever involved in such a selection process I would immediately rule out every ditch ape that called to inquire at 5:30am.
Employment Opportunities 2
( Different company )
SC: "Are you guys like lookin' fer operators?"
Maybe, maybe not. However if I was ever involved in such a selection process I would immediately rule out the exact same ditch ape that just called to inquire at 5:30am. Bit of a multi-talented ditch ape, aren't you?
...annnd I rest. For now. -.-
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