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From November 3rd 2006
Dear wonderful visitor to the historic area:
First of all, what is the effing obsession with taking tour buses everywhere? Every single day people ask if there is a tour bus to take them around here. Seriously, how lazy can you be? I mean, you know those two things sticking out from below your torso? They're called legs! And at the bottom of each is this wonderful invention called a foot. Usually people have two of them. And, get this, if you put one foot in front of the other you can do something called "walking." Try it sometime. Ok, I know, some people have legitimate problems and can't get around that well. I understand and I don't mind when this is the case. But I seriously doubt that everybody in this damn country has a physical problem that would prevent them from walking a mile. If you have trouble walking and you're going to complain about it then don't come here. Same with driving. What is the obsession with driving somewhere touristy? You don't get to experience life by just driving through it. Get out and walk every once in a while. The fresh air will do you good.
Second, why do you insist that we "hold your hand" through everything? Can you not do any research before you get somewhere so you know what there is at your destination? I couldn't imagine not knowing where I was going before I got there. Granted, some people do take spontaneous trips, and that's ok. Even I take that spontaneous trip from time to time. But even then I do preliminary research as to what is at my destination. And honestly, do you know how insanely dumb you sound when you arrive here and state, "I don't know what I'm doing here?" Seriously, why are you here then?
Third, pay effing attention. I don't like repeating myself forty million times because you're distracted by your kid who, by the way, probably doesn't want to be here and most likely will whine the whole time you are here. I'll tell you once. After that, if you didn't pay attention, then it's up to you to figure out what you missed. And don't pull that, "Well, I'm on vacation so I don't need to pay attention" crap on me. It doesn't work. Ever wonder why people get mugged and/or lose important things when they're on vacation? Because they're a dumb ass like you and they aren't paying any attention when they're supposed to. And listen to everything I have to say, regardless of whether or not you already have your mind made up on something. You might actually get some valuable information out of the conversation.
Ok, now on to the children who come here. If you get here and your kid is kicking and screaming that they don't want to be here, then chances are you shouldn't come here. You're going to end up wasting all this money, time, and energy to come here. Granted, we do get some children who are really into history or want to visit because of the whole Felicity book series, and that's fine. Those types of children typically want to be here and usually enjoy their visit. But if your kid is here, cranky because you woke them up at 8:00 am to come here, and they end up whining all day that they want to go have fun somewhere else. Please, if your child is this type, then do us a favor by actually taking them somewhere else! And if your child is such an inconvenience in your life then perhaps (a) you shouldn't have had kids to begin with, (b) you should have left your child with a relative or friend while you traveled, or (c) you should have stayed home!
And on a related note, don't let your kid wear those foolish shoes with the wheels in the heel of the shoe when they come here. Chances are they will fall and hurt themselves and that ends up falling on us since you were too dumb to put proper shoes on your children.
Now I'm going to rip on the place where I actually work. As much as you want to say that you are an "educational, living history museum." You're really a tourist trap. You can say "educational" all you want, but you're really geared toward tourists, especially with the amount you charge for tickets and programs. If you really were here simply for education you wouldn't charge half the price you do now, and you certainly wouldn't have entertainment type programs. And you wonder why people complain so much about the prices.
Then again, if you're a tourist and you come here out of your own free will, you really have no right to complain about the prices. You came here, deal with it. I went to the Prehistoric Forest, which is a hardcore tourist trap in Ohio and not once did I complain about the prices. Also, don't complain when you only have one day and can't see everything here in one day. It's not my fault that you didn't plan enough time to do everything. And, get this, you can always come back another day. Have you ever considered more than a one day ticket? No, because a one day ticket is $20 cheaper than an annual pass and you don't want to spend any money since you're cheap. If you really wanted to be here and you really cared about history then you wouldn't be complaining about the price of a ticket.
Also, don't expect me to know everything. I know about some things, but don't get mad when I apologize and explain that I'm not from around here and I'm still learning about what's here. And don't get mad if you ask "Where 'x' hotel is?" and I don't know because there are fifteen hotels in the area with that same exact name. Perhaps you should be more specific so I can direct you better. And for goodness sake, at least know the name of the road you're staying on! Even if you have to write it down. On the same front, don't get mad at me if I haven't eaten at every restaurant around here. I don't get to eat out much, especially since the restaurants around here suck and they're overrun with tourists. And if you ask me to be honest about where a good place is to get seafood (in my opinion), I will literally be honest and tell you to go to Maine. They have the best of the country to me. And besides, you were asking for my opinion, not where everybody else typically goes for seafood when they visit here. Same with the amusement park down the street. If you ask my honest opinion on that place, I will tell you my honest opinion of them. If you rephrase the question and ask what everybody else thinks of the amusement park, then I'll tell you that information instead.
For the movie patrons: if you come up to buy tickets for something, please specify what you are going to see. If you just say, "Can I have one, please?" If you ask this I will ask "For what?" Most of the time there is more than one program showing at any given time and I'm not a psychic so I don't automatically know what you want. You don't go to the BK Lounge and say, "Can I have one, please?" do you? I bet you'd get some really funny looks if you did go into BK Lounge and asked that.
No love,
Your friendly tourist trap ticket seller.
Dear wonderful visitor to the historic area:
First of all, what is the effing obsession with taking tour buses everywhere? Every single day people ask if there is a tour bus to take them around here. Seriously, how lazy can you be? I mean, you know those two things sticking out from below your torso? They're called legs! And at the bottom of each is this wonderful invention called a foot. Usually people have two of them. And, get this, if you put one foot in front of the other you can do something called "walking." Try it sometime. Ok, I know, some people have legitimate problems and can't get around that well. I understand and I don't mind when this is the case. But I seriously doubt that everybody in this damn country has a physical problem that would prevent them from walking a mile. If you have trouble walking and you're going to complain about it then don't come here. Same with driving. What is the obsession with driving somewhere touristy? You don't get to experience life by just driving through it. Get out and walk every once in a while. The fresh air will do you good.
Second, why do you insist that we "hold your hand" through everything? Can you not do any research before you get somewhere so you know what there is at your destination? I couldn't imagine not knowing where I was going before I got there. Granted, some people do take spontaneous trips, and that's ok. Even I take that spontaneous trip from time to time. But even then I do preliminary research as to what is at my destination. And honestly, do you know how insanely dumb you sound when you arrive here and state, "I don't know what I'm doing here?" Seriously, why are you here then?
Third, pay effing attention. I don't like repeating myself forty million times because you're distracted by your kid who, by the way, probably doesn't want to be here and most likely will whine the whole time you are here. I'll tell you once. After that, if you didn't pay attention, then it's up to you to figure out what you missed. And don't pull that, "Well, I'm on vacation so I don't need to pay attention" crap on me. It doesn't work. Ever wonder why people get mugged and/or lose important things when they're on vacation? Because they're a dumb ass like you and they aren't paying any attention when they're supposed to. And listen to everything I have to say, regardless of whether or not you already have your mind made up on something. You might actually get some valuable information out of the conversation.
Ok, now on to the children who come here. If you get here and your kid is kicking and screaming that they don't want to be here, then chances are you shouldn't come here. You're going to end up wasting all this money, time, and energy to come here. Granted, we do get some children who are really into history or want to visit because of the whole Felicity book series, and that's fine. Those types of children typically want to be here and usually enjoy their visit. But if your kid is here, cranky because you woke them up at 8:00 am to come here, and they end up whining all day that they want to go have fun somewhere else. Please, if your child is this type, then do us a favor by actually taking them somewhere else! And if your child is such an inconvenience in your life then perhaps (a) you shouldn't have had kids to begin with, (b) you should have left your child with a relative or friend while you traveled, or (c) you should have stayed home!
And on a related note, don't let your kid wear those foolish shoes with the wheels in the heel of the shoe when they come here. Chances are they will fall and hurt themselves and that ends up falling on us since you were too dumb to put proper shoes on your children.
Now I'm going to rip on the place where I actually work. As much as you want to say that you are an "educational, living history museum." You're really a tourist trap. You can say "educational" all you want, but you're really geared toward tourists, especially with the amount you charge for tickets and programs. If you really were here simply for education you wouldn't charge half the price you do now, and you certainly wouldn't have entertainment type programs. And you wonder why people complain so much about the prices.
Then again, if you're a tourist and you come here out of your own free will, you really have no right to complain about the prices. You came here, deal with it. I went to the Prehistoric Forest, which is a hardcore tourist trap in Ohio and not once did I complain about the prices. Also, don't complain when you only have one day and can't see everything here in one day. It's not my fault that you didn't plan enough time to do everything. And, get this, you can always come back another day. Have you ever considered more than a one day ticket? No, because a one day ticket is $20 cheaper than an annual pass and you don't want to spend any money since you're cheap. If you really wanted to be here and you really cared about history then you wouldn't be complaining about the price of a ticket.
Also, don't expect me to know everything. I know about some things, but don't get mad when I apologize and explain that I'm not from around here and I'm still learning about what's here. And don't get mad if you ask "Where 'x' hotel is?" and I don't know because there are fifteen hotels in the area with that same exact name. Perhaps you should be more specific so I can direct you better. And for goodness sake, at least know the name of the road you're staying on! Even if you have to write it down. On the same front, don't get mad at me if I haven't eaten at every restaurant around here. I don't get to eat out much, especially since the restaurants around here suck and they're overrun with tourists. And if you ask me to be honest about where a good place is to get seafood (in my opinion), I will literally be honest and tell you to go to Maine. They have the best of the country to me. And besides, you were asking for my opinion, not where everybody else typically goes for seafood when they visit here. Same with the amusement park down the street. If you ask my honest opinion on that place, I will tell you my honest opinion of them. If you rephrase the question and ask what everybody else thinks of the amusement park, then I'll tell you that information instead.
For the movie patrons: if you come up to buy tickets for something, please specify what you are going to see. If you just say, "Can I have one, please?" If you ask this I will ask "For what?" Most of the time there is more than one program showing at any given time and I'm not a psychic so I don't automatically know what you want. You don't go to the BK Lounge and say, "Can I have one, please?" do you? I bet you'd get some really funny looks if you did go into BK Lounge and asked that.
No love,
Your friendly tourist trap ticket seller.
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