Trying so hard to hang on

[MoonCat]

Joi, you can make those calls...please try. Dial the phone, then close your eyes and pretend you're holding my hand. Here it is, right here...kinda square, short fingers and five silver rings right now...and I'm holding on tight to your hand. Anytime you need to make a call and it scares you, imagine you're holding my hand and you can squeeze as hard as you like, and I'll squeeze back, ok?

[JoitheArtist]

Update: Ok, I made it through the night, and felt a bit better for having at least told someone what was going on. Today was alright, until I sat down to try the suicide prevention chatline. Kinda went downhill from there. Not because of the person on the chat, who was nice, but...well, mental health providers don't seem to understand that rooting through their sites while depressed is actually REALLY hard. I got lots of links, but I'm no closer to finding any sort of treatment. At this point, I'm kind of just assuming that I'll be calling 911 on myself sometime in the next few months. Honestly, it might actually be the fastest way to get help. I don't know what the expense of that would be, though, so... I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen. Just that I'll keep trying to find a way to get better. I'm just...so very tired.

[Der Cute]

Sweety, I want to give you a big fat hug, chocolate and a gold star for your efforts today. Really.

I can commiserate, when I have felt flat, many times, I myself cannot do much more than eat/sleep/shower. Or 2 out of 3. So I can TOTALLY get that you're not able to do much on call/phone legwork. But you DID it.

Joi. Stop the $$ thoughts. Fuck that. That for the last 8 years was my excuse; I've had 1 attempt and many many times so depressed I can't get up (let's estimate the total time to be at least 6 mos of sleep 18 hours, no food depressed). OK? My excuse was I had no money. Thinking back, my theory is that I wasn't WORTH fixing (so I was hanging on the I'm Broke excuse), so I didn't do the legwork.
Super depressed + low self esteem + depressed person logic = not much self help.
You're there, kind of.

Seshat has a very good thought: apply for state help. So what if you're declined? So what if you think it's degrading?(rhetoric - focus on the so what) You're unemployed. You NEED the help right now. Start that rolling overnight, ok? States usually have online/webpage applications. Get that done tonight as a project, let it cook and be processed this week. OK.

So you've started that, it's now on auto pilot. You can now focus on finding the help you need. But if you've got any thoughts of suicide flying around, get your ass to the ER. From there you can be directed to the better places. I don't care about money. Money schmoney. Joi first, everything else later. (do realize you're under Depressed Person Logic [aka really whacked logic for now] and that colors your judgement)
Keep the calls per day going, please. Honey. I had post partum depression sooo bad I went to the ER. I had to find a counselor that could help me, too. Guess what? I had to manually call counselors. Manually. At the same time, my anxiety is through the roof "omg baby's crying aaaaaaaaa" (he was just hungry) "omg I can't figure out what he says" (he had a poopy diaper) "omg omg FUCK" (me). I'm trying to get self together. I'm MEDICATED already and I'm still falling apart. But I slogged through that shit. My kitty was my rock, you find yours.
I had to keep going,I was frustrated as hell. Anxious, depressed, illogical and irrational, I was plain fucked up. I knew the stuff in my head was not me. You are the same. What's flying in your head is not YOU.
Go. Call the 211 number in your city/state, it's usually a help line to hook people up with needs - like light bill went out, where to get help. Try that, you should be able to get some things narrowed down.
Overwhelmed, depressed, sad, flat....been there done that got tshirt. So, do things just a half step above daily operations. (food, shower, clothes, potty, the daily stuff you do). Very simple, small step tasks.
That is why I gave you 2 tasks to do. Just those, you do it, you know you accomplished something, and that's progress in itself. Repeat tomorrow.

Another task: dark chocolate. The chocolate itself will get you a seratonin high. You'll FEEL a zap. (I did).

So. Tonight: online app for assistance. Understand it's not an immediate omg award. Let it cook.
Wednesday: at least 2 phone calls, and some dark chocolate. Check in with us, ok?

[Akasa]

I second calling 211. They were a big help in getting me into the county mental health network. If you need to, go to the ER and tell them you might hurt yourself. You'll be seen, and possibly put under observation. This is too important NOT to do.
Before I got help I went to be every night praying I wouldn't wake in the morning, then something snapped in me and I was catatonic, just able to cry and do nothing else. Its a bad place to be. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[MoonCat]

Still thinking about you, Joi. Lots of good advice on here. Stay with us.

[Teysa]

*hugs* Joi. I'm keeping you in my thoughts too. Check in with us and let us know you're OK.

[Food Lady]

Yes, I have been praying for you, Joi.

[JoitheArtist]

Today was ok. Still feeling very much not myself, but I was able to stay distracted from that fact. (I kept myself busy by working on some t-shirt designs I'd been asked to do, and sewing a rag doll of a My Little Pony character.)

Not out of the danger zone, probably: it's dangerous to think that one good day means getting better. But today was ok, and I'm glad for that. The support of everyone here means more than I can say.

[Elspeth]

I think of you often. And i love your twitter! *many hugs*

[Kristev]

If you need someone you can talk to, I will willingly listen without judging. Vent away.

[BeenThereDoneThat]

Joi, I am reading your thread and your particular posts with great interest, compassion and empathy. I am at one of my lowest points ever, as well, though right now I'm more into self-preservation than the reverse. However, when things get really bad those thoughts still pop into my head.

I hope you will do whatever you can to get help, and lean on us here. I could use more friends myself to talk to, so please, PM me if you want my info. I'm not much into phone calls either and in my case, I need to keep things quiet, so anything computer/text related works. Hope to hear from you.

[Draper Mel]

I find distraction to be very helpful, so yes, keep busy as much as you can. I also like the Stop technique (that's what I call it, anyway). Any time your thoughts go in a direction you don't like, just say "STOP", either in your head or out loud. Then distract yourself so they don't try to go that way again. I have actually started to name objects in the room until my brain gives up.

Hang in there. Keep working on getting help. That's the best thing in the long run.

[Pixilated]

Draper Mel has a good suggestion there. I've tried something similar when my brain seizes on something negative and doesn't seem to want to let go.
Hang in there, Joi, and definitely, please, keep working on getting help. We are all pulling for you.

[Eireann]

My therapist told me to do the same thing. Sometimes I forget, but I'm remembering more and more often.

[Kristev]

It's called the "Stop the thought" technique.