The Customer Complaint Letter Game

[purplecat41877]

Dear Mr. Nightmare,

My employee had every right to ask you and your son to leave since you were disturbing the other customers. Both of you are banned from the store.

F. Abric
Manager



Dear Toy Store Manager,

My children were riding bikes through the store and casually knocking items off the shelves when one of your rude employees told them that they couldn't ride the bikes in the store. She needs to mind her own business because she's not a parent and she has no right to tell children what to do. I demand you tell your employee to mind her own business or she's fired. If you don't, I will come in with a carton of cigarettes and give one cigarette to every child I see and tell them that there's candy inside.

Sincerely,

Wild Motherchild

[XCashier]

Dear Ms. Motherchild,

The employee in question is indeed a parent; she's got two school-age daughters, and I've never seen better-behaved children anywhere. Even if she didn't, she works here, therefore, she IS minding her business when she stops people from trashing the place! Think about it.

Nevertheless, we are taking your threat very seriously, and have contacted the police about your threat. They should be showing up at your place shortly regarding your plans to distribute drugs to minors. Oh, and expect a visit from CPS as well.

Sincerely,
Lionel Trains, manager,
MegaSuper Toy Store

* * * * *

Dear Commissioner Gordon,

Got any more members of the Christmas-Freak family you want to get rid of? Send them our way, Mary and Lloyd were delicious!

Sincerely,
Lon Gpigfan, Chief
Cannibal Tribe

[cindybubbles]

Dear Commissioner Gordon:

Please excuse my soon-to-be ex-husband and his pathetic jokes. I'm roasting him on the spit right now just for that prank!

Although Lloyd and I would love it if you could please send us that impostor who tried to make me look bad in front of the Church!

By the way, I'm teaching my future child in my womb the joys of Christmas. Lloyd has a lot of consorts now that we've gotten rid of my husband and we have drawn up plans to roast my new parents-in-law, just in case they think the same thing. Which will probably happen in about two weeks when they get back with more long pigs!

Sincerely,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

--------------------------------

My dearest children:

I send to you a belated Christmas gift. I hope this will help mend fences.

My tribe recently brought in and roasted 4 stranded tourists. I was a little unsettled when one of the tourists seemed to recognize me and screamed her lungs out as we undressed her and tied her to the spit, though. However, the feast was excellent, and all four of them were very tasty!

Here are the four skulls that I promised that I would send you for Christmas. One for Merry, one for Holly, one for Noel and one for Ivy!

Oh. Noel, I've just been informed by one of my assistants that the woman who screamed her lungs out just happened to be your wife. Oopsie!

Love, your mother,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

[Lace Neil Singer]

Dear Sir,

I read thru your complaint. I was even tempted to send you a gift card just to get you out of my hair, but then I read further. How dare you insult my beautiful husband and my lovely daughter! Just cuz we're not a conventional family does not give you the right to give us scorn. For that, consider yourself banned from all outlets of Create A Kitty. Oh, and the giftcard? I'm giving it to the little girl who's custom kitty cat was ruined by your demonic offspring. Have fun once he hits the teenage years.

Ciao,

Mr Manager of Create A Kitty.

~~~

Dear Supermarket Manager,

I came into your supermarket on Christmas Eve to do my entire Christmas shop and found to my disgust, that you had completely sold out of turkeys, sprouts and parsnips. How dare you? Why didn't you do your job properly and ensure that you had enough? I demand a gift card for my trouble, and a handwritten apology or else I will sue you for the fact that your incompetence ruined my Christmas. I also demand that you fire that cashier on till seven, the fat one with the horrible pink hair. You shouldn't allow either fat people or people with dyed hair to work there as they are less than human.

Yours,

Mrs B Narstie

[cindybubbles]

Dear Mrs. Narstie:

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. If you can't understand that, then you shouldn't even leave home.

Oh, and the pink-haired cashier that you just insulted? That's the CEO's daughter. I'll forward your letter to her mother, the CEO, and she will make sure that you never shop in any of our stores ever again.

Sincerely,

M. Anne Ager
Manager
Lovely Foods Inc.

-----------------------

Dear children:

Well, it seems that my letter was lost in the mail, so I'll resend it. Hopefully, you all received your packages in time!

Here is the letter again:

My dearest children:

I send to you a belated Christmas gift. I hope this will help mend fences.

My tribe recently brought in and roasted 4 stranded tourists. I was a little unsettled when one of the tourists seemed to recognize me and screamed her lungs out as we undressed her and tied her to the spit, though. However, the feast was excellent, and all four of them were very tasty!

Here are the four skulls that I promised that I would send you for Christmas. One for Merry, one for Holly, one for Noel and one for Ivy!

Oh. Noel, I've just been informed by one of my assistants that the woman who screamed her lungs out just happened to be your wife. Oopsie!

Love, your mother,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

I hope you get the letter this time, children! You already know what happened to Aunt May when she didn't reply (wink, wink)!

Love, your mother again,

Mrs. Mary Christmas-Freak

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Christmas-Freak,

Our children were terrified when they received their gifts so they contacted me. I told them to burn the skulls and we are ceasing all contact with you.

Goodbye forever,

Easter Freak



Dear Writing Teacher,

Where do you get off failing me? All I did was make copies of various books and paste them into my story. I demand you give me an A at once. If you don't, I will cut your classes for two weeks.

Sincerely,

C. O. Pier

[Seanette]

Dear Writing Teacher,

Where do you get off failing me? All I did was make copies of various books and paste them into my story. I demand you give me an A at once. If you don't, I will cut your classes for two weeks.

Sincerely,

C. O. Pier

Dear "student":

I'd be more alarmed by a threat to ATTEND class, since doing so would be very out of character for you.

Your F stands.

Hope Lost, writing instructor

-------

ISP:

Interruptions in services are NOT acceptable. I don't care about power outages, city-wide disasters, etc. Those problems are for peons like you to handle, and are not to disturb ME.

You WILL provide me free service for life as compensation for the stress and inconvenience your incompetence has caused me.

Allie About-Moi

[purplecat41877]

Dear Miss About-Moi,

We have no control over service interruptions but we try to fix the problem as soon as we can. Therefore, you won't be getting anything for free.

Sincerely,

C. Omputer
Manager



Dear Nursing Home Manager,

Where does your staff get off allowing my grandmother to pass away? It's their job to make sure that everyone there stays alive. I demand you tell your staff to bring my grandmother back to life at once. If you don't, I will come in with my grandfather's ashes and dump them on your head.

Sincerely,

G. R. Ieving

[Rizdan]

Dear Irving Ieving

While we are sad to see your grandmother pass, its hard on us as well, its for the best. She is not in constant pain anymore. As for your threat to dump your grandfathers ashes on the floor here, I can tell you weren't raised by people that taught you anything about respect. See, that kind of threat is very disrespectful of him and his memory.

Ol Dfolk Shome
Owner
Friendly folks home

------------------------------

Dear sir

Where do you get off by making your workers work on a national holiday? I came over here to England from the states and am shocked at how you make them work on July 4th. Dont you know that its a holiday? Send them home!

Sincerely,
Glob Alknow Nothing

[wolfie]

Dear jerkYank,

Different countries have different holidays. I notice that you don't celebrate May 24th, July 1st, Guy Fawkes Day, Bastille Day, or any one of a number of non-U.S. holidays, and according to our Canadian cousins you are a month late celebrating Thanksgiving. To you, July 4th marks a significant event in your country's history. To us, it's a way to keep July 5th from immediately following July 3rd.

Also, if we gave all our employees a holiday on July 4th, you would be unable to find an open restaurant, a working bus/taxi/Underground, or get the sheets changed in your hotel room that day.

If you want to be in an environment where everything is done in the same manner as in the Rebellious Colonies, GO HOME!

Sincerely,
As many Brits as there was space for signatures.

-----------------------------------------------

Dear computer manufacturer,

I bought one of your laptops which promised "Wireless Internet" as one of its features. When I first got it home, this feature worked, but halfway through the movie I was streaming the data stopped. I tried to re-connect, but the hotspot I had been using was no longer there, and the one which replaced it (named "Stop leeching my connection, you asshole") demanded a password.

I request that you provide me the necessary password so that I can continue to use the wireless internet you promised.

Sincerely,

Clueless User

[HotelMinion]

Dear user,
Please send your address. The police have experience in these matters.
Thanks,
Computers, inc.

---
Dear general manager,
I'm just a lonely old guy who was seduced by your night clerk who was obviously a witch. She smiled at me. Under her evil spell, I fell over my feet and landed hands first on top of her. She had the nerve to slap me! Now in my day, youngsters must respect their elders! Next thing I know I'm in a police car on sexual assault charges! What customer service is this?

From,
Vert Per

[Tama]

Dear Mr. Per,

I highly doubt you accidentally fell. Your hand was someplace it really ought not to be, and you were holding her down.

You are banned from our properties for life. And assuming you are convicted, you probably won't be around to bother us for awhile anyway.

Sincerely, Ceyour Eauner





Dear Playhalt,


Where do you get off letting my thirty year old son who is living on his own buy Alpha Sapphire?! Those games are for kids! If you don't demand he return it I will sue you for everything you own!

I hate you,


Helen Copter-Parent

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Copter-Parent,

You son is old enough to decide what he wants to buy. Therefore, we won't force him to return a game he enjoys.

Sincerely,

G. Amer
Playhalt Manager



Dear Mental Institution Manager,

Where do you get off putting me in a padded room? All I did was bite the nurse because she was trying to force me to take my medication. I demand you take me out of here at once and stop giving me medication. If you don't, I will bite all of the staff including you.

Sincerely,

B. Iter

[Kagato]

Dear B. Iter

I hope you enjoy the Hannibull Lecture brand mouthguard that we have involuntarily gifted to you and applied to your mouth. Please enjoy your extended stay at our facilities.

G. Rumpy
Ward Manager


Dear Bus Company Manager Person.

How dare you flag my bus card as lost/stolen when I know it is perfectly legitimate, having gotten it off of my closest friend the day before he caught his spur-of-the-moment flight to the Banana Republic! I demand you reinstate it and compensate me for the inconvenience!

Regards
N. Titled.

[purplecat41877]

Dear Ms. Titled,

Your friend reported his card as lost/stolen right before he caught his flight. Enclosed is an application to get your own bus card.

Sincerely,

T. R. Avel
Bus Company Manager



Dear Supermarket Manager,

I was shopping in your store while smoking a cigarette and one of your rude employees told me that I wasn't allowed to smoke in the store. I am the customer and I have every right to smoke in your store if I want to. I demand you fire the rude employee and allow me to smoke while I shop all I want. If you don't, I will set fire to the propane tanks outside.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Smoker