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I had one of my “special” calls recorded and I wanted to try and share it. But our system makes it impossible to manually make a recording of the call so I’m afraid I can’t do that. So I thought of something I can do, which is grabbing screenshots of some of the things I do for my own amusement (and any rep who may refer back to my notes down the road on an account). So I have some visual goodies to share along with the usual assortment of stranger than fiction callers I get on a daily basis. And yesterday was a damn circus.
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Karate CSR
TR = Guy from Training Dept
ARGH!
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Well, let me tell you my story….
Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
Somebody Call a Whaaambulance
SW: I have never gotten a free phone! I have always paid for a phone every time! I could never get a free phone and I deserve to get one!
I should point out that since she first activated, the only phones she has ever used are unlocked phones she got off eBay. Phones that we never carried to begin with. We could have gotten her a wide assortment of phones at any time, but she chose to get phones that don’t even work right with our service. And she’s somehow mad at me about it.
Language Barrier
SM1: I do apologize, but I do not speak English fluently. Would you mind speaking to my friend?
ME (wtf?): …Sure.
SM2: Hello?
ME: Yes, who am I speaking to?
SM2: This..uh, this… Michael.
SM1 (in background): Yes, Michael.
I have no idea what kind of game these guys were playing or what in Chris Farley’s ghost they were hoping to achieve, but the first guy who spoke perfect English and might as well have been wearing a smoking jacket and holding a copy of the New Yorker in one hand and a pipe in the other puts on a guy who can barely form a sentence in any language. It’s official, I give up. What the hell do you want from me?
It’s Not You, It’s Me
ME: Is there any particular reason you’re looking to cancel?
SW: It’s just not working out.
I hate it when they cancel like they’re breaking up with me. Trust me, you’re not breaking my heart. In fact, I want you gone. You’re needy, clingy, self-centered, inconsiderate, and you’ll go running to the first person who wags a free phone at you. Everything is always you, you, you! What about me? What about MY needs! I have feelings too! Go on then, who needs you?
Phantom Phone
SW: I need to cancel because my daughter moved to China.
ME: Okay. And are you wanting to cancel the second line as well?
SW: What second line?
ME: The second line on the account.
SW: I don’t have a second line.
ME: … You’ve had the second number active for 2 years, the same as your daughter’s line.
SW: No I don’t.
ME: You’re on a shared minute plan between those two numbers and have been since activation.
SW: I don’t see it on my bill.
ME: I’m looking at your bill right now. You should see both numbers listed on the first page.
SW: No, it only shows the 1 line.
Ok, I applaud you for your persistence. But you’ve been busted. Just tell me what to do with the second line, stop trying to dispute its existence. Do you want me to cancel it? Change the plan? Dress it up in frilly clothes? Launch it into the sun? What do you want to do with it?
Clone War
Guy calls in to cancel his service because he’s not using it (despite consistent usage every day). Threw a couple offers and him and he declined them and wanted to cancel. So I go to cancel his account and get an error that the account is already in use by the system. Well, that’s odd. Our system doesn’t update in real time, so if someone changed something while I was in the middle of doing something else, I’ll need to refresh the account. I do so, and it’s canceled already. I check the notes and see that another rep got a call a minute after I did from someone claiming to be the same guy as the customer I’m talking to and canceled it. I asked him just for fun if he had called previously to cancel and he said no. I asked if anyone else might have called in, he said no. I asked if he gave anyone else his info to verify his account, he says no. Obviously, either the one I was talking to or the other one that called in a minute later was a dealer. But, I left this memo (I do things like this all the time. Like I said, it’s mainly for my own entertainment):
I’m Not Doing Someone Else’s Tech Support
SM: Yeah, uh, I’m having trouble downloading ringtones. I try to go there and it gives me a page error.
ME: You’re trying to download from our website?
SM: Yeah. No. It’s like, you download the song, then it sends a message to your phone with a link. Then you go to the link and it sends the song to your phone. But it’s not working.
ME: Are you trying to access the website from your phone?
SM: No, my computer. Every other website is fine, but not this one.
ME: Sounds like a problem with the site.
SM: Yeah. So, can you fix that.
ME: I can’t offer support for third party websites.
SM: But, like… I want it to work.
ME: I can only help you if you’re having problems downloading from our site.
SM: So, uh… what do I do?
I’ll tell you what you do. You FAIL. I tried to help out. I threw out several not-so-subtle hints that should have told you that I can’t do a freaking thing about someone else’s website. Not only can I not help you to get Baby Got Back as your ringtone, but I don’t really care if you never get it. I can live out the rest of my life in perfect happiness regardless of how this turns out. In fact, I hope the website got shut down and you spend the rest of your life having to scream the eloquent words of Sir Mix-A-Lot whenever your phone rings to drown out the sound of the crappy ringtone you got stuck with instead.
If he got knighted, would he be “Sir Sir Mix-A-Lot?”
Your Karate Is No Match For My Karate
Dude comes right on my line wanting to speak to a supervisor. I assure him I’m a specialist and can assist him, he says he’s talked to 5 specialists and is not talking to any more of us. All the sup’s are in a meeting, so I spot a guy from the Training department who’s a pretty cool friend of mine, and ask him if he wants to talk to the guy. He says sure, and plugs into my call box. The guy is upset because he talked to a rep a month ago who was going to order a phone for him on a specific date so it would be delivered when he got back from his vacation. The rep had scheduled the day to go back into the account and order the phone, but he never did it. So I understand the guy is mad. He also travels internationally all the time, and has paid us over $35,000 in 2 years and had no credits, so we’re pretty much willing to give him whatever he wants. Now, my Trainer friend is on the call, it’s past his time to go home, and he tells the guy he will authorize me to give him whatever phone he’d like. Then the following occurs:
TR: So I’ll get you back to Kara, because she’s a lot faster than me at placing these orders.
SM: I can beat her?
TR (looks at me with one eyebrow raised): I’m sorry, what?
SM: Can I beat her up?
ME (Muted): *Assume fake-karate pose* BRING IT!
TR (trying not to laugh): No, ahem, no I’m afraid that won’t be possible. But she will be able to get you a new phone.
Okay, I talked to this guy for all of 2 minutes and now he wants to start something with me? I’ve had no formal training, but I’ve seen tons of kung-fu movies, not to mention untold amounts of martial arts anime. Trust me, you don’t want to be anywhere near my Super Flying Dragon Infinity Burning Fist of Ultimate Death.
Insert Quarter for Additional Credits
SM: I wasn’t supposed to have any more bills and I got another bill!
ME: I see that you requested to cancel in June, but the account stayed active for another month. I’m terribly sorry about that, but when you called last month we did get it canceled completely and we have also applied credits to your account for everything you were billed after you initially requested to cancel. So you can disregard that bill.
SM: Then why don’t I see the credits on my credit card statement?
ME: Well, we credited your account. There are no charges due.
SM: No you didn’t! If you gave me credits, they’d be on my credit card!
ME: The credits were taken directly off your bill. You never paid those charges to begin with.
SM: Then where are the credits? I need that refunded!
ME: I can’t refund you for charges you never paid to begin with.
SM: You’re ripping me off!
ME: Sir. The charges were removed from your bill from us. You never paid those charges. I cannot give you a refund for something you never paid us.
SM: Well, I’ll see what the attorney general has to say about this!
I’d like to see that too. Hell, I’ll pick you up and drive you there. I’d love to see what your Attorney General has to say about it. Then, after he’s done screaming at you for wasting the taxpayers’ time and money, he’ll have his assistant abuse you in ways you never imagined were possible before leaving you for dead in an alley. Then you will wake up in excruciating pain with a size 7 poop shute (bonus points for reference).
Just Stupid
We offer phone insurance, but it has to be added within 14 days of buying a phone. Customer called in one day and had lost her phone, so the rep she talked to added insurance and told her to file the claim. But, she bought the phone in April, so insurance denied the claim. She was understandably upset, and guess who she called to scream at about it? The following was what I left in this account for my memos (I filed a request that will go to their supervisor and basically have walk over and hopefully smack the rep upside the head):
SW = Sucky Woman
SM = Sucky Man
ME = Karate CSR
TR = Guy from Training Dept
ARGH!
ME: Hi, this is Kara, how can I help you today?
SM: Well, let me tell you my story….
Noooooooooooooooooooooo!
Somebody Call a Whaaambulance
SW: I have never gotten a free phone! I have always paid for a phone every time! I could never get a free phone and I deserve to get one!
I should point out that since she first activated, the only phones she has ever used are unlocked phones she got off eBay. Phones that we never carried to begin with. We could have gotten her a wide assortment of phones at any time, but she chose to get phones that don’t even work right with our service. And she’s somehow mad at me about it.
Language Barrier
SM1: I do apologize, but I do not speak English fluently. Would you mind speaking to my friend?
ME (wtf?): …Sure.
SM2: Hello?
ME: Yes, who am I speaking to?
SM2: This..uh, this… Michael.
SM1 (in background): Yes, Michael.
I have no idea what kind of game these guys were playing or what in Chris Farley’s ghost they were hoping to achieve, but the first guy who spoke perfect English and might as well have been wearing a smoking jacket and holding a copy of the New Yorker in one hand and a pipe in the other puts on a guy who can barely form a sentence in any language. It’s official, I give up. What the hell do you want from me?
It’s Not You, It’s Me
ME: Is there any particular reason you’re looking to cancel?
SW: It’s just not working out.
I hate it when they cancel like they’re breaking up with me. Trust me, you’re not breaking my heart. In fact, I want you gone. You’re needy, clingy, self-centered, inconsiderate, and you’ll go running to the first person who wags a free phone at you. Everything is always you, you, you! What about me? What about MY needs! I have feelings too! Go on then, who needs you?
Phantom Phone
SW: I need to cancel because my daughter moved to China.
ME: Okay. And are you wanting to cancel the second line as well?
SW: What second line?
ME: The second line on the account.
SW: I don’t have a second line.
ME: … You’ve had the second number active for 2 years, the same as your daughter’s line.
SW: No I don’t.
ME: You’re on a shared minute plan between those two numbers and have been since activation.
SW: I don’t see it on my bill.
ME: I’m looking at your bill right now. You should see both numbers listed on the first page.
SW: No, it only shows the 1 line.
Ok, I applaud you for your persistence. But you’ve been busted. Just tell me what to do with the second line, stop trying to dispute its existence. Do you want me to cancel it? Change the plan? Dress it up in frilly clothes? Launch it into the sun? What do you want to do with it?
Clone War
Guy calls in to cancel his service because he’s not using it (despite consistent usage every day). Threw a couple offers and him and he declined them and wanted to cancel. So I go to cancel his account and get an error that the account is already in use by the system. Well, that’s odd. Our system doesn’t update in real time, so if someone changed something while I was in the middle of doing something else, I’ll need to refresh the account. I do so, and it’s canceled already. I check the notes and see that another rep got a call a minute after I did from someone claiming to be the same guy as the customer I’m talking to and canceled it. I asked him just for fun if he had called previously to cancel and he said no. I asked if anyone else might have called in, he said no. I asked if he gave anyone else his info to verify his account, he says no. Obviously, either the one I was talking to or the other one that called in a minute later was a dealer. But, I left this memo (I do things like this all the time. Like I said, it’s mainly for my own entertainment):
I’m Not Doing Someone Else’s Tech Support
SM: Yeah, uh, I’m having trouble downloading ringtones. I try to go there and it gives me a page error.
ME: You’re trying to download from our website?
SM: Yeah. No. It’s like, you download the song, then it sends a message to your phone with a link. Then you go to the link and it sends the song to your phone. But it’s not working.
ME: Are you trying to access the website from your phone?
SM: No, my computer. Every other website is fine, but not this one.
ME: Sounds like a problem with the site.
SM: Yeah. So, can you fix that.
ME: I can’t offer support for third party websites.
SM: But, like… I want it to work.
ME: I can only help you if you’re having problems downloading from our site.
SM: So, uh… what do I do?
I’ll tell you what you do. You FAIL. I tried to help out. I threw out several not-so-subtle hints that should have told you that I can’t do a freaking thing about someone else’s website. Not only can I not help you to get Baby Got Back as your ringtone, but I don’t really care if you never get it. I can live out the rest of my life in perfect happiness regardless of how this turns out. In fact, I hope the website got shut down and you spend the rest of your life having to scream the eloquent words of Sir Mix-A-Lot whenever your phone rings to drown out the sound of the crappy ringtone you got stuck with instead.
If he got knighted, would he be “Sir Sir Mix-A-Lot?”
Your Karate Is No Match For My Karate
Dude comes right on my line wanting to speak to a supervisor. I assure him I’m a specialist and can assist him, he says he’s talked to 5 specialists and is not talking to any more of us. All the sup’s are in a meeting, so I spot a guy from the Training department who’s a pretty cool friend of mine, and ask him if he wants to talk to the guy. He says sure, and plugs into my call box. The guy is upset because he talked to a rep a month ago who was going to order a phone for him on a specific date so it would be delivered when he got back from his vacation. The rep had scheduled the day to go back into the account and order the phone, but he never did it. So I understand the guy is mad. He also travels internationally all the time, and has paid us over $35,000 in 2 years and had no credits, so we’re pretty much willing to give him whatever he wants. Now, my Trainer friend is on the call, it’s past his time to go home, and he tells the guy he will authorize me to give him whatever phone he’d like. Then the following occurs:
TR: So I’ll get you back to Kara, because she’s a lot faster than me at placing these orders.
SM: I can beat her?
TR (looks at me with one eyebrow raised): I’m sorry, what?
SM: Can I beat her up?
ME (Muted): *Assume fake-karate pose* BRING IT!
TR (trying not to laugh): No, ahem, no I’m afraid that won’t be possible. But she will be able to get you a new phone.
Okay, I talked to this guy for all of 2 minutes and now he wants to start something with me? I’ve had no formal training, but I’ve seen tons of kung-fu movies, not to mention untold amounts of martial arts anime. Trust me, you don’t want to be anywhere near my Super Flying Dragon Infinity Burning Fist of Ultimate Death.
Insert Quarter for Additional Credits
SM: I wasn’t supposed to have any more bills and I got another bill!
ME: I see that you requested to cancel in June, but the account stayed active for another month. I’m terribly sorry about that, but when you called last month we did get it canceled completely and we have also applied credits to your account for everything you were billed after you initially requested to cancel. So you can disregard that bill.
SM: Then why don’t I see the credits on my credit card statement?
ME: Well, we credited your account. There are no charges due.
SM: No you didn’t! If you gave me credits, they’d be on my credit card!
ME: The credits were taken directly off your bill. You never paid those charges to begin with.
SM: Then where are the credits? I need that refunded!
ME: I can’t refund you for charges you never paid to begin with.
SM: You’re ripping me off!
ME: Sir. The charges were removed from your bill from us. You never paid those charges. I cannot give you a refund for something you never paid us.
SM: Well, I’ll see what the attorney general has to say about this!
I’d like to see that too. Hell, I’ll pick you up and drive you there. I’d love to see what your Attorney General has to say about it. Then, after he’s done screaming at you for wasting the taxpayers’ time and money, he’ll have his assistant abuse you in ways you never imagined were possible before leaving you for dead in an alley. Then you will wake up in excruciating pain with a size 7 poop shute (bonus points for reference).
Just Stupid
We offer phone insurance, but it has to be added within 14 days of buying a phone. Customer called in one day and had lost her phone, so the rep she talked to added insurance and told her to file the claim. But, she bought the phone in April, so insurance denied the claim. She was understandably upset, and guess who she called to scream at about it? The following was what I left in this account for my memos (I filed a request that will go to their supervisor and basically have walk over and hopefully smack the rep upside the head):
I can just barely understand the threat of getting physical in the middle of a heated rant, but to calmly ask permission? It's not really funny or scary, it's more like.....weird.
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